What is wrong with ME.. not my BPD wife

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Why am I having such a hard time accepting this is not me and that I cannot solve this?

Why am I putting up with this?

I can keep posting on here the latest blow up or the latest crazy episode, but in the end, I am still putting up with it... I am not leaving.  I am not changing correctly, I am still blaming myself.  Maybe getting a bit more angry and letting her know that I feel she did cross a boundary with me, only to feel guilty as she then says I am being mean and i used to never be that way...

What is wrong with me? 

I cannot get out of the FOG.  I have waited so long that I am financially bound to this disaster.  The guilt that would be on me from leaving would be unbearable.  I would rather her leave me...

It feels the only solution is her miraculously working it out.  She has been better of late, but there are still out of nowhere blowups... .

Double Blinds thrown up...   I finally just start calling the double blinds what they are... double blinds to her face.  I have no energy for the games of this all.  The usuage of tools that may work but usually do not work anymore. 

I am miserable, and she is even more miserable which is even more hurtful to me. 

I cannot help but reacting to certain buttons she pushes... I try walking away only to be followed...

It seems there is only one rational thing to do, but I cannot do it...

[hurthusband]

Why am I having such a hard time accepting this is not me and that I cannot solve this?

Why am I putting up with this?

I can keep posting on here the latest blow up or the latest crazy episode, but in the end, I am still putting up with it... I am not leaving.  I am not changing correctly, I am still blaming myself.  Maybe getting a bit more angry and letting her know that I feel she did cross a boundary with me, only to feel guilty as she then says I am being mean and i used to never be that way...

What is wrong with me? 

I cannot get out of the FOG.  I have waited so long that I am financially bound to this disaster.  The guilt that would be on me from leaving would be unbearable.  I would rather her leave me...

It feels the only solution is her miraculously working it out.  She has been better of late, but there are still out of nowhere blowups... .

Double Blinds thrown up...   I finally just start calling the double blinds what they are... double blinds to her face.  I have no energy for the games of this all.  The usuage of tools that may work but usually do not work anymore. 

I am miserable, and she is even more miserable which is even more hurtful to me. 

I cannot help but reacting to certain buttons she pushes... I try walking away only to be followed...

It seems there is only one rational thing to do, but I cannot do it...

[lostandunsure]

I don't know that I have much advice, but I understand how you're feeling. You're not alone. I'm not in the "ready to go" boat yet, but it is exhausting and I keep wondering how long can I do it. I just don't know. (I chose my avatar image because I always feel like I'm bending over backwards)

Sorry you're having to go through this all.

[hurthusband]

how do I know there is not something wrong with me... she says I do not get it... what if i do not?

she says I do not do anything nice for her... I feel i did.  I feel I did alot of nice things.  I certainly rescued her a few times.

What if she is right?  Why do I just assume she is the sick one?

She is all I have left... and not much of that.  I have given everything.  Emotionally, mentally, my career, financially... . I do not even know how to afford a divorce now.  Our house is half torn apart on remodels.  There is nowhere else to go for either of us...

I do not know how to face things alone... with her at least I can feel a team and we can combine ourselves and fortitude.  Alone ... I will be fighting her, and my usual wars, and the hole I am in now as a result of her.

i do not see how I can get out.  I know I wont, but I just feel like there is no way I can save myself now.  If i died in an accident, at least the life insurance policy will clean the slate for my wife and kids... They can then have a shot at least.  I couldnt make it right with her... maybe its not my fault, but I just do not feel there is anymore way...

[Kabooma]

Wow HH... It's like you just summed up everything I felt last night.

I feel for you bro.  I know why I stay though.  Although I wonder why I didn't bolt when I had the chance.  Every day.  Now I'm trapped and can't leave.

[tired-of-it-all]

Hurt,

We sometimes over complicate things.  When we are in the midst of all of the FOG and pain, we cannot see the solutions. 

How do you know it is not you?  It is you.  It is you because she has beat you mentally until you don't know which end is up.  You need to get away to let your mind clear.  I have done it and it works.  I can promise you it will work for you.

The house is torn apart?  It is just a freaking house.  It really doesn't matter if it is ever fixed.  If you leave it like it is someone else will fix it or they won't.  It isn't the end of the world.

She is not all that you have left.  It just feels that way right now.  She has isolated you from other people.  She has built a wall around you to keep others out.  I suspect the half-torn-apart house is something she manipulated you into.  This keeps you from allowing others to come to your home.  It keeps them from seeing how she really behaves.  It keeps you from having friends who might support you and help you.

You need to take care of yourself first.  It is like flying on an airplane when the oxygen mask drops.  They tell you to put your own mask on before you put it on your child.  Otherwise you both die.  You have to help yourself first then you can help your kids.

Try to do a few things for yourself. I go to alanon meetings.  I found a lot of friends and support in those meetings.  My wife hated it and was very threatened by alanon and still is.  The people in alanon said, "Keep coming back."  I did and it has helped me tremendously.

I PROMISE YOU THAT WHEN YOU GET BETTER YOUR KIDS WILL GET BETTER.  You are at bottom right now but now you can start to move up.  DON'T LET HER BROW BEAT YOU INTO NOT GETTING HELP FOR YOURSELF.  You deserve a better life and THERE IS A BETTER LIFE OUT THERE FOR YOU.

Good luck my friend.  There are a lot of us that care.  I am praying for you. 

[waverider]

Truth is it is both of you. But that doesn't mean you are to blame, but you can only fix you. Everything in life is a choice, your choices are just not working for you at the moment.

We get stuck with reacting to what is in front of us now, the consequencies that happen now. The long term results are like some distant unattainable fantasy.

To repair yourself will take a long time, and you will not see it untill you are well down the path. At the moment it only seems like endless band aids fixing todays symptoms, without making any difference in the big picture.

Leaving can seem like the only option, but this is the staying board and that recommendation wont be made whilst you are posting here. That doesn't mean that it is not an option nor that by being here you are committed to staying regardless.

Part of the function of the Staying board is to fix YOU while you are in it. So that you know who you are, what you want, what your values & boundaries are, once you have established that and put it into practice if it is still not tenable and the decision to leave is made then that will be done in the light of knowing why so that you are not left with all the bitter "what ifs" and up hill battle of repairing yourself after the event that you will see on the Leaving and Coping boards.

This is why here we are committed to fixing you while you are in it, what happens after that can be addressed elsewhere

It seems there is only one rational thing to do, but I cannot do it...

You cannot do it because you have'nt fully fixed you yet. Once you have done that you will know what has to be done and you will be ready for it. You are still stuck in default mode, part of acceptance has a lot to to with acceptance of choices, and if you stay you will know why, if you leave you will know why.

tired-of-it-all is right in saying rebuild your life, your wife will either fall in with you or she wont, either way you will have a life. You need to cut ties with the concept that your wife has to allow you to have a life. Having a life is your choice like any other

[hurthusband]

I just cannot stop the guilt.  I feel that I am not doing enough... that she feels the way she does means it has to have some truth.  Therapist says we are always fair to feel what we feel, but what if we feel is completely opposite.  How do you address that?

Am I too timid?  Am I too forgiving?

I know I get run over by alot of people.  At same time, I do not let those people in my life too far so it doesnt happen much, but my wife is my wife

I just cannot stay strong in her assaults.  I cannot, not cry, when she claims I do not love her and I have ruined her life...   I do care so much.  It pains me to see her feel that.  I cannot help but cry.

I am not emotionally cut out for this.  I do not see how I can make it through this.  I just want my family to be safe.  I cannot protect them.  I cannot live with knowing I left them behind to protect myself though

[ziniztar]

Hurt, first of all:   

Second: if you keep writing and saying to yourself that "I just cannot", you won't ever be able to and you will continue to be right. And stay in the same situation.

A mentor at work once told me: "You can. You just don't know how to yet."

That state of mind will end the helplessness, and start giving you some feeling of control.

[WalrusGumboot]

hurthusband,

It's painful reading your posts. You might as well have been me five years ago.

I know you hear the phrase "take care of yourself" to the point where it might seem cliche, but seriously some change HAS to occur with YOU soon (don't worry about her for the time being). You seem committed to this relationship (?), so unless you want to see an early grave or a host of medical issues, or devastated finances, or messed up kids, or (fill in the blank), you need to be proactive.

I'm not saying this blindly. Five years ago I was a physical wreck. I hated getting my pictures taken because I looked like hell, and pictures don't lie. I looked 10 years older and sad. Even when I smiled, my eyes looked sad.  That was the external... internally I was no better. It was like my body was falling apart and I didn't care because I probably thought subconsciously that death was a sure way of escape. So you can definitely add DEPRESSION to the mix.

I don't know if you are where I was, but you sure are heading there from what I read.

A good question to ask yourself is what will it take before you change yourself and the course of your life? A medical crisis? Do you have any well-defined boundaries for your BPDw? Some line in the imaginary sand where she should never cross?  If not, then you should.

I remember distinctly my wake up call. See, my exBPDw did not respect any boundary. Responding to her calmly never worked because she wanted a reaction from me. The only way she could get a reaction from me was stepping on my boundaries. One day she pushed that envelope to far and I woke up from my FOGGY dreamworld and realized the magnitude of her disrespect, but not only that, the magnitude of what I allowed her to do.

I hope you get your wake up call soon, for your own sake.

WG

[HopefulDad]

Pretend for a moment that you are not you, but rather a close friend.  Imagine observing your close friend going through all of this.  What would you say to your close friend?  Would you tell him to continue the status quo or would you tell him to make changes?

When you're neck deep in the turmoil, it's hard to step outside of your own perspective, but often it helps.  It also helps having people to talk to about this, whether it's a therapist or some close friends you trust.  They can often help you see through the FOG.

The world is gray, not black and white.  It is this gray area that you need to recognize: Yes, your BPDw may have a legitimate complaint at some level, but her reactions, behaviors, accusations, judgments, conclusions are influenced by her BPD and her inability to see that same gray area, causing her to paint it all black.  And thanks to the FOG, you're buying into it.

Acknowledge that gray area and if you truly feel you are not doing enough, then do more.  But don't do it because you are guilted into it.  Do it because you think it's right.  Do it for yourself.  Do it for your wife, too, but not because she demands it, but because you want to do it for her regardless of her response.

[SweetCharlotte]

I think you reacted too quickly in bailing her out with that expensive return ticket.

Now you are "paying the price."

My gut feeling is that it is too soon to give up, but you should take several steps back as others have said above and assess your part in enabling your BPDw. You may feel burnt out right now and need more self-care too.

[hurthusband]

Its just so hard sometimes.  We been together 11 years.  When we started I was fresh from college just starting my career but with a nice savings and she was out of work with 2 kids.  Since that time I have dealt with her rages, cheating, alcoholism, drug abuse, suicide attempts, break-ins with vandalism, numerous financial problems she got into, physical abuse, mental abuse, emotional abuse, fights with family and friends by her, isolation of myself, self debt, putting her through school to no end, numerous career changes by her, hospitalizations both mental and physical for her, and all sorts of other things

Her family only invades our boundaries but thats a dynamic it is hard for me to put a foot down on because it causes all sorts of chaos between her, kids, and her family.  They are also zero help at all.  They ignored all the suicides and everything.  They show no compassion nor love to her and are BPD also

I do not know if I have a hero complex or something... I feel that I should go down with the ship if I really love her.  What about he kids?  How do I move on without her?  What does that mean if I wasted my life so far?  Whats the point of anything?  I *know* the answer the those questions, but I do not *feel* the answer to those questions.  I am not sure if it has something to do with the fact I have OCD and that is somehow playing a role... I been in therapy my whole life so I am getting help

I do not really stay angry with anyone though.  I genuinely easily forgive.  I am the polar opposite of her.  Makes it easy to stay calm and not hold onto anger to burn, but at same time maybe I want to be some more like her in a way.  I know that she is either right, ultra sick, or cannot control herself... I do not know if that selfish of her or any fault of her own. 

I just have nothing left to give.  The tank is empty.  My mind is frayed and I do not have the energy to even rest or help myself.  Its almost like I can use the years of my life and burn my *lifeforce* or something to keep going to save the children or maybe help her a bit longer... I just feel done.  I hit my breaking point about a year ago, and I can tell my breaking point was a point far further than most people's.  FOG is not just around me but in me now. 

The only way out I almost feel is if I am forcibly removed... institutionalized or locked up.  It has some appeal to it to be honest.  At same time, if that is done, future is destroyed.  Career, everything...

Sticking with this seems to have at least a shot at a miracle of happening.  I have faith in God.  Wife is agnostic/atheist... She has no hope.  If i had no faith that miracles could happen and did not worry about hurting family, I am pretty sure I would have killed myself awhile back.  At this point its just about limiting pain to others from my own actions

[Olinda]

I'm sorry to hear you are going through this.

You are sounding very close to hurting yourself and that is a scary place to be.

You have gotten a lot of good advice on here about taking care of yourself but what I am hearing you say is that you are overwhelmed and feel trapped.

Do you have a therapist to talk to? Do you feel you might need to seek professional help?

When I got to such a low place like you I went to the emergency room to seek help. 

Please take care of yourself.  Your family needs you. Your children need you.

You are not alone and there is help out there. 

[HopefulDad]

You're in a bad place.  You really need to go talk to a professional to get help for yourself.  But if you choose not to... .

Please continue writing here.  It can be cathartic.  It can also help you organize your thoughts, maybe help you see things differently after writing them down.  It can be its own form of therapy.

[waverider]

Your OCD is causing you to obsess about "her stuff". It is also hindering your ability to change the way things are, change in itself is scary for pwOCD regardless of logic.

My partner is OCD comorbid with BPD, so I understand how it hinders change.

You are stuck in rescuer mode, and she is happy for you to be there. The problem is you being stuck in rescuer mode means she is stuck in victim mode. Nothing will change until that balance is broken

[hurthusband]

Your OCD is causing you to obsess about "her stuff". It is also hindering your ability to change the way things are, change in itself is scary for pwOCD regardless of logic.

My partner is OCD comorbid with BPD, so I understand how it hinders change.

You are stuck in rescuer mode, and she is happy for you to be there. The problem is you being stuck in rescuer mode means she is stuck in victim mode. Nothing will change until that balance is broken

Good point... Yes, I have been in therapy for 30 years now ... since I was 5.  It is just one of those things when you know the *truth* the therapist tells you the *truth*, but you just do not feel the truth.

As far as self harm... wanting it to stop is one thing, but I do not have what it takes to kill myself. 

While I am religious, I do not like to think that people who do commit suicide go to hell.  I mean it was done in the Old Testament, and who can really blame somebody who would have been trapped in a Nazi prison camp.  I do not know that God judges that way.  Still, I guess that fears me a bit.  Also, hurting myself gets me away, but it hurts too many other people.  The guilt of the whole thing is what drives me nuts and killing myself would just be doing what I want least of all for others.  Not really an option

[momtara]

If you stay, set firmer boundaries.  Don't say anything mean that you'll regret, or that she can use against you.  Act like you would act if you were in a normal relationship.  What's the worst that happens?  She wants to leave, which may happen anyway.

My heart bleeds for you because you really are trying.  And you love her.  I know you do.  That's why you stay. 

I can't change how you feel, but maybe you can compartmentalize rather than catastrophize? 

You say you're alone, you have known her since college.  Your relationship is an investment, too much to throw away.  I get it.  There are many like you, who would like to know you.  You will always be something in her life, even if it's a person who will always love her, and who she loved.  You have made a big difference in the life of her son. Even if you don't have any legal claim (and I still think you should refuse child support unless you have visitation) he will remember how much you helped.

What you get out of this is that you learned how deeply you care and how deeply you love.  There are many, many women going through the same thing who are looking for someone like you, who want to make you happy and be proud of you instead of tearing you down.

But I know that's not consolation.  You want THIS woman.

So while you are still staying... . Are there more boundaries you can set?  If you set them firmly WITHOUT meanness and snide comments, she can't really say anything.  Block her phone number from calling you at work.  Tell her when you're going to different events - don't ask her permission.

What's the worst that can happen, if you do normal things?  She may leave - but then it's not her, not you.

Set boundaries and see what happens. 

[yeeter]

Hugs hurthusband   

And dont feel alone.  Many of us here either are completely overwhelmed and have lost ourselves, or have been there at one point in time.

Something to consider - if you arent able to convince yourself that YOU are a good enough reason to change and set boundaries - is that by simply dancing the dance that SHE defines is really not healthy for HER either.  In other words, if you are going to do something for HER benefit, its not what you are doing now.  You need to get yourself healthy.  Set boundaries.  Gain your strength back.  And live a life with consistency and holding a steady course.  This will be a huge help to her (whether you/she sees it that way at the moment or not).  In other words, give her what she needs, not what her emotions want in any particular moment.  And to do that, you need to get yourself squared away and standing solid on two feet.

[lemon flower]

if faith is important to you and you are a religious person, you might use that as an extra tool... maybe you can seek some rest in the retreat/hostal-area of a monastery for a while, get out of the daily trouble, let your mind come at ease, maybe speak to a priest or a monk... . everything that helps you to clear your mind and contemplate...

leaving your family for a short time to re-strenghten can prevent you from more drastic actions, and maybe it could be an eye-opener to your wife too... .

I don't know if this is a helpful option for you, but I personally do believe in the beneficial and healing qualities of "sacred" environments, whether they are religious or in plain nature, as long as it's quiet and peaceful... .

[MusicCity123]

Hey there.

You are not alone in your struggle.  I have the same things going on in life with my wife.  Things have quieted down some, but there has been a big price I've paid because I stood with her and didnt leave.

My son has disowned me because he thinks I am choosing his abusive mom over him.  That's the furthest thing from the truth.  I'm trying to see the bigger picture but some days the struggle is too much to bear.

I havent had sex in three years and my wife sleeps in an air mattress next to me on the floor.  The dogs sleep next to me.  My other son has had a problem with deep compulsive lying and he too is feeling the effects of years of his mothers temper and flare-ups.  Both my sons are grown now and have had to face an adulthood with deep emotional issues.  Of course I feel the most guilty for letting all this happen.   

Hang in there

[waverider]

In other words, give her what she needs, not what her emotions want in any particular moment.  And to do that, you need to get yourself squared away and standing solid on two feet.

Nicely put Yeeter, pretty well sums up the road to RS recovery for all of us.

[Washisheart]

You are definitely not alone. My uBPDfiance is proud to be cruel and heartless. Feels no remorse for the things that come out his mouth. Finds a way to blame me for everything. Even the cruel things he says. I'm not in a financial situation to leave because we got a place too expensive for either of us to afford alone.

He is currently at the point where I am some kind of punishment, a burden. Spending time with me sucks and is boring. I'm boring. I don't entertain him. Keeping in mind we set up our house with a game room just so he would want to hang out here and not be bored. He works evenings so thinks it's perfectly acceptable to go out every evening he's it at work because  "nights are his schedule." To him the fifteen minutes we spend in bed together from when he gets home until I get up to leave it enough time spent.

I feel horrible. And I have no one to blame but myself as I kept taking him back. Sometimes I wonder where my life would've if I would have just saidno that last time.

[hurthusband]

There is definitely a lack of trust in myself... I do not know why or where that comes from and I try in therapy to get to it...

Boundaries are difficult.  I do not trust myself that my boundaries are reasonable I have doubt.  This coupled with the fact that the anger and rage basically follows me everywhere from her.  She will invade work with it, it will cause me trouble there.  I am not sure that the chaos will destroy everything I have, and outside of literally leaving, and literally getting a restraining order... there is no way to stop the consequences

[momtara]

I know, the work thing is a problem.  Hmmm, how do we get someone to stop harassing us at work without a restraining order?  Anyone got suggestions?  I've struggled with this too.

You can always have a lawyer send her a letter.  I know this would make things weird, but it can say whatever you want it to say, and it could be written cautiously - something like, as HurtHusband continues to work out his marriage with you, he'd like to ask you to limit calls at work to one a day except in cases of emergency... .

I don't know, just an idea.

You could maybe tell her yourself that you need to limit non emergency calls, or put it in an email.  It's a boundary that may make her angry, but she gets angry anyway!

You could explain to the secretary at work what's going on so she can help you somehow?

I just want you to know that all of us are in these very difficult situations, and you are not alone.  While you feel alone, you sound sweet and kind and there are lots of people who would be your friend if they knew the situation.  

It is NOT your fault that you married someone with a very confusing mental illness.  It only pulled you further into the fog.

Hang in there.  There is so much good in the world.  You are among the good.

[Mono No Aware]

You need to take care of yourself first.  It is like flying on an airplane when the oxygen mask drops.  They tell you to put your own mask on before you put it on your child.  Otherwise you both die.  You have to help yourself first then you can help your kids.

Perfect post.

Hang in there man! You've got a bad one, but you CAN make positive progress. You CAN think positively. You CAN lean on your family and friends for support and venting. You CAN work on yourself first and make yourself stronger, calmer, wiser, and if not happier than less depressed and FOGgy.

[hurthusband]

The weird thing is you ask yourself why you had to fall in love with somebody like this.  The unhappiness is causes and how much easier your life would be without them. 

At same time, you think if you could do it all over again, you still would meet and marry them.

Is it love?  Is it my own psychosis?  Is it both?  who knows

[waverider]

Boundaries are difficult.  I do not trust myself that my boundaries are reasonable I have doubt. 

Boundaries do not need to be "fair", they are a self protection mechanism. You are stuck in a mindset of having to justify them. Boundaries are about you alone.

To use an analogy, if you had a serious back injury it would be dangerous for you to say carry the shopping. It could also be said that for your wife to carry all the shopping as a consequence is unfair. But that is the way it has to be to protect your health. Mental health is no different than physical health.

In the above analogy you are picking up the bags simply because your wife is capable of kicking up a bigger stink that you are willing to endure. Your back injury becomes worse as a result.

[allibaba]

Boundaries are difficult.  I do not trust myself that my boundaries are reasonable I have doubt. 

Boundaries do not need to be "fair", they are a self protection mechanism. You are stuck in a mindset of having to justify them. Boundaries are about you alone.

To use an analogy, if you had a serious back injury it would be dangerous for you to say carry the shopping. It could also be said that for your wife to carry all the shopping as a consequence is unfair. But that is the way it has to be to protect your health. Mental health is no different than physical health.

In the above analogy you are picking up the bags simply because your wife is capable of kicking up a bigger stink that you are willing to endure. Your back injury becomes worse as a result.

Understanding that boundaries don't need to be "fair" was a really pivotal for me.  I am a really "nice" person and I absolutely hate being "unfair."  I now know that in interactions with my husband that I will rarely "win" so I stopped trying to win or avoid pitfalls and just accepted that they will come regardless of what I do ... .   I don't try to avoid criticism or twisted thinking... . (this is a huge difference from a year ago)... . I just keep my side of the street clean and let things play out.  It has definitely taken some of the steam out of our conflicts.

[Ulysses]

I've been where you are, and I'm still slowly digging myself out, with quite a way to go yet.  A friend suggested a book on projective identification by two authors, Tansey and Burke.  It helped me both see what my spouse was doing to me and what I could do to protect myself psychologically and emotionally.  I also have an excellent therapist who has worked with a lot of BPD clients, and she was actually the first one to mention BPD as a possibility when others were thinking my spouse was autistic.  Emotionally detaching from my spouse helped, and getting away for a little while, too.  I hope you keep posting to let us know how you're doing.

[Theo41]

I think there are several reasons that I have stayed:

1. There are periods where she thinks I hung the moon. Birthday and Anniverary cards are so lovingly and beautifully written that I conclude I'm living with a wife that really loves me deeply but suffers from the BPD  condition which causes her to act badly.

2. On the two occasions that I have tried to leave she has pulled out all the stops (I'm having a nervous breakdown, I'll kill myself and even threats: I'll ruin your reputation.)

3. Leaving is  tough to do. Stressful, depressing, expensive.

4. We've been married too long to divorce. Decades...

So,, 80% of my life is good including 50% of my time with her. I spend about 30 hours a week away from her and do things that give me great pleasure: sports, writing group and classes, socializing with friends, Alanon which has been MOST hElpful.

Someone wrote recently: when the pain of staying exceeds the perceived pain of leaving you will leave. That makes sense to me. But I haven't gotten there and may never. THEO