Need help preparing for next reconnect attempt

[djblazer]

I am in a LD relationship with a BPD man. We've been NC for 2 months, initiated by him (I tried twice to contact him with no response). He said he just needs his "space", doesn't know for how long... . this came a few days after his professions of undying love for me).

I am heavily leaning towards leaving, but have moments of uncertainty. I feel like I am caught in a game. I cycle between feeling invigorated by him, then utterly humiliated.

I WANT to be able to end this now, because logically, I see that it will never change, and this cycle has repeated for many years. But the guilt of not responding when he eventually reaches out is what gets me. That and the thought that maybe this time it will be different.

Anyway, long story short, I am going to be visiting friends and family very close to where he lives. I'll be in his area for the next month. I texted him to let him know I would be in town and which dates. Did not suggest meeting, because he initiated NC. While I'm there he will celebrating a big birthday. I doubt he will have a party since he has no real friends. The thing is, in the nearly 25 years I've known him, I've only once missed his birthday. And after he noticed that, he contacted me a few days later. This time I am not planning on contacting him while I am there, and not on his birthday either. I expect he will notice and will likely reach out to me soon after.

My question is: what should I ideally do in order to get closure for myself and end this? Do I respond to him explaining that I am done? I am not sure I can follow through with that. Or do I just not respond, ever again?

[seeking balance]

djblazer, it sounds like you are in a really tough spot.  Over the past 2 months, have you had some moments of clarity about what you really do want from any relationship?

My question is: what should I ideally do in order to get closure for myself and end this?

Closure comes from within - if you have decided this is not the sort of relationship you want, then you end it.  The one thing about relationships is this:  past behavior is a pretty good indicator of future behavior. 

Do I respond to him explaining that I am done? I am not sure I can follow through with that. Or do I just not respond, ever again?

Well, you could wait for him to contact you since he is the one who doesn't want contact and deal with that when it happens.

It sorta sounds to me like you telling him you are done is a bit of an ultimatum - I mean, are you really done or are you hoping that will prod him into responding to you?

I am sure you are hurt after 25 years with him - I know I would be.  Look to the right - choosing a path... . step 3 - really look in the mirror - what do you see?

[goingtostopthis]

The most that I can say about this is that it's easy to just make a decision, ok.   it's over...   You can do this in your head easy,   but your feelings are all ways going to be lingering behind. Easy advise is all ways easy to hear but never easy to take in a case like this, I dont care who you are.   And it all ways seems to imply that youve got a real problem if its not taken, like just taking a knife and cutting a piece of cake. What's so hard about that?

                                                                     It seems to me there must be steps a person can take before they are ready to finally cut the chord.  But who says it even has to be looked at like that?  I believe some kind of thought therapy  is really the solution to dealing with connections like this. I think its what we think about in relationship to these relationships that keep us stuck.   

                      Im in a LD relationship too,  and its been after him splitting on me so things arent the same at all.   We used to communicate morning,noon and night for months,  and now its like he can go on for 3 or 4 days with out any contact  and I sit there and struggle should I contact him or should I wait,  is he waiting for me contact him first before he feels inclined  to contact  me.  I never know what he's thinking. I get angry about this too because on one hand hes telling me he loves me and then on another he says something so cold and detached I want to die. I dont want to press him so I usually sit back and let him contact me when he wants,   but basically somewhere along the line I end up feeling resentful and I often wonder why is he even bothering to talk to me anyways if Im just so non shallant to him.  This is how it seems.  I want to skype with him and he keeps this subject really uncomfortable for me to ask for. We used to all ways do this.  Im getting really tired of this and dont see much point of having a relationship with him just on chat.  It's not working. If there is no real time then there is nothing.  No real communication which equals growth to me. If there's no growth there's no relationship.  Im not going to give him an ultimatum,  but I am going to tell him how I feel about this.   I really believe that half of his avoidance to this has something to do with what he wants to believe that was happening during his splitting period. I say this because when he split on me is was all on chat.

Every single last bit of it. And it didnt matter what I had to say about how easily things can get distorted when communicating this way, especially during a fight!    He acted like he all ready understood this, but I know he refused to really understand this because he didnt want to be proven wrong in what ever case it was he had against me. So he sees me on skype and everything gets contradicted.  Its a tottally different picture of me, its who I really am,   not the bad person he so adimently wanted me to think I was.   He cant deal with it. deal with what?maybe coming face to face with his illness? possibly.  Its too scary for him to love me again so he puts me through his stupid run around.

                 I think its true you have to just decide what you want and in avery big sense find out who you are, now I know they say BPD's dont know who they are,  but I speaking about this in a more general way that applies to all of us.  We all never really know completely who we are because we are all ways involving and discovering things about ourselves that were allways there,  but things we stopped loving in ourselves , and with this we cant help but to become stronger and more confident with the things we need to decide upon.,even if it  happen in small increments, its still happening, and in the end if we continue along these lines         

we cant help but to come out of situations like this as a winner to ourselves.                                                                                           

[djblazer]

Thank you both for your replies.

I am still thinking about this but as the days go by with still NC, I realise that I am much more even-keeled when not in contact with him. I see that for my own dignity, I must let this go. And yes, I also recognise that the closure can only come from within and I must give up on any hopes of it coming from him.

I am still looking in the mirror and thinking long and hard about whether I am where I want to be. Friends and family seem in agreement that this relationship is never going to work. Yes, the hope of a renewed contact does indeed exist but I think that it always will. In the past I have let my heart rule and kept up this connection in spite of the harm it has caused to my self-worth. My head is telling me to detach, and I am actively not allowing myself to dwell. I am just trying to let my head lead for a change, and not my heart.

[Southeast]

Thank you both for your replies.

I am still thinking about this but as the days go by with still NC, I realise that I am much more even-keeled when not in contact with him. I see that for my own dignity, I must let this go. And yes, I also recognise that the closure can only come from within and I must give up on any hopes of it coming from him.

I am still looking in the mirror and thinking long and hard about whether I am where I want to be. Friends and family seem in agreement that this relationship is never going to work. Yes, the hope of a renewed contact does indeed exist but I think that it always will. In the past I have let my heart rule and kept up this connection in spite of the harm it has caused to my self-worth. My head is telling me to detach, and I am actively not allowing myself to dwell. I am just trying to let my head lead for a change, and not my heart.

I know it has been a few days since this last message, but I just read it (I came here for a dose of reality), and honestly, I could have written this exact same thing. Word for word. In fact, I think I probably already have written this exact same thing. I'm at the same point you are. It's a horrible kind of limbo. Whenever enough time goes past I start bargaining with the 'what if's. But that's easy to do when I'm on 'an even keel', like you say. I understand this. I have to keep working my own program, to stop these damaging patterns.