Is fighting over grades worth it?

[Parents! Get help here!]

My DD's grades are dropping like crazy and she is even flunking a class. She is an intelligent young lady with a high IQ, but lack of motivation.

We send her to a private school, so we are paying for her high school education. She is a Junior now, and I am tempted to tell her if she gets any D/F's on her report card, we are not paying for her to go to that high school her senior year.

My DH says DD will just view this as a cruel punishment, which I can see. But, should there be consequences to her actions? Is it worth the battle? We have let up significantly with grade expectations and missing assignments. We use to ground her, but this caused more chaos for us and taking her phone is a huge trigger for her.

I have let go of the fun college visits and the excitement in the planning. She seems pessimistic about the future (fearful, most likely and I realize this is normal) and if I try and discuss college plans, she says it stresses her out and I am trying to control her.

What have other parents here done with expectations of decent grades with their cwBPD? Let them live with whatever they get and face the natural consequences? I am just frustrated because we sacrifice financially to send her to a great school and she is poo-pooing it! 

Thanks for any advice, friends!   

[mama72]

My DD's grades are dropping like crazy and she is even flunking a class. She is an intelligent young lady with a high IQ, but lack of motivation.

We send her to a private school, so we are paying for her high school education. She is a Junior now, and I am tempted to tell her if she gets any D/F's on her report card, we are not paying for her to go to that high school her senior year.

My DH says DD will just view this as a cruel punishment, which I can see. But, should there be consequences to her actions? Is it worth the battle? We have let up significantly with grade expectations and missing assignments. We use to ground her, but this caused more chaos for us and taking her phone is a huge trigger for her.

I have let go of the fun college visits and the excitement in the planning. She seems pessimistic about the future (fearful, most likely and I realize this is normal) and if I try and discuss college plans, she says it stresses her out and I am trying to control her.

What have other parents here done with expectations of decent grades with their cwBPD? Let them live with whatever they get and face the natural consequences? I am just frustrated because we sacrifice financially to send her to a great school and she is poo-pooing it! 

Thanks for any advice, friends!   

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[jellibeans]

Dear autkpl

We must live is twin universes... . I am right where you are now except for the private school. She was in a private school last year but we were not invited back due to the high support my dd needed. My dd is also in her junior year... . so important to get good grades and yes I have suggested going to a college or two for a visit but my dd dosen't see a future either and really doesn't care.

I have cut back my expectations a great deal on school... . this is a stressful week because grades are due and she is missing assignments or needs to redo test... . my dd does not have a high IQ and struggles greatly at school. During exams right befor xmas she overdosed and I really think it was because she didn't want to write her history exam... . sadly but this is true.

There are consequences for poor grades... . for us we will lose the use of her car and I will have to drive her school. Ultimately her punishment will be summer school or repeating classes. I have to say I would not be happy iff I was paying a lot of money for private school and she was not trying BUT here is the other side of the coin... . changing schools I think it pretty difficult and har on these kids. My dd has gone to three different schools and I am not counting the inpatient schools... . my dd doesn't do well with change... . her anxiety is through the roof and her behavior wild during these times so although I understand your problem I am wondering if there is another consequence that might be better suited?

If your dd is smart she can still get into a good school with good scores on her SAT... . but does she want to go to school? We are truly wondering where our dd will end up... . she has failed the SATs and is retaking them... . I signed her up of a prep class but she really didn't do the work... . I do feel like I am throwing way the money but I feel I need to give the opportunity to suceed just like I gave her old sister... . so maybe you can look at it that way. You are giving your dd the best education if she wants to waste it she is only hurting herself.

I am sure right around now kids are talking about colleges and where they are going... . your dd has to hear these conversations... . I would back off and not say anything if she is passing all her subjects.

Why didn't grounding work? I ground my dd when necessary and although it is more of a stress on us I do think she needs consequences. Is there anything else? Car?

Is there a way to involve the school? The private school my dd was at had Saturday school for kids that skipped classes etc... . Is there a way to get the school on board... . you are paying them and I am sure they want their kids to suceeed.

I am trying to step back and it is so hard but they really need to take the wheel here and start driving the bus... . it is their life and they will need to make a living and support themselves. Does your dd have any plans?

[mama72]

Thanks for the response, jellibeans.

My DD's 6 week grading period is this week, as well. You are so right about not wanting to cause more stress with a school change. That would probably be disastrous to all of us in the end. Big price to pay to make a point, I suppose. My daughter took her ACT last year, did wonderful, but thinks that the ACT will carry her to college and not her grades.

I emailed her teacher in the class she is failing and he talked to her and will keep her after school to work on assignments. He said she could use his "technology", I think she told him that we would not let her use the internet for homework? We do not allow her on our wifi (consequence for bad behavior), but knows that if she needs to use the computer for homework, we have a central family computer that she may use. Just no wifi on her laptop. I emailed him back reassuring him that she can use "technology" for homework, always has been able too. He closed his email with this, " I've told her that I've never seen a student with this large of a discrepency between skill and performance.  When she turns things in, near everything is 100%." She is either trying to prove a point that if she can't use internet on her computer, she will fail classes and that is my fault OR she is just giving up.

DD mentioned taking a "gap year" after graduating, but had no plans on what to do in that year. She will not be living here, that is for sure! She mentioned graphic design a few months ago, but I don't think she realized how competitive that field is and I just do not think she has the motivation to do it, at least she is not showing it now. My T told me the next time she says something about not going to college to say, "College is not for everyone." Reverse psychology, I guess? So, I really do not know what her plans are. They change so often.

When my DD is grounded, I feel that she is more mentally healthy. She does not have too many friends and the friends she does have are very important to her. Grounding has not motivated her to be better. She continues to lie and manipulate. Her dad just bought her a car (her dad is my ex and is an idiot, harsh words, I know. But if you knew him you would agree. Long story!) I have been debating on just having her keep the car at his house and not here, as a consequence. She is spoiled and has an entitlement attitude, I know I am to blame for this.

I am having a h*** of a time trying to let go and have her face natural consequences and trying to still parent her. I feel unsure of what I am doing and am not consistent. I know this is not good for her either. I told her that her grades are her grades and I was going to back off, which I have. But, feel that I need to step in when her grade is 47%!

Why does it have to be some damn hard?

[jellibeans]

I think what is important is to state a clear expeactation to her. You know she is capable of getting good grades and if her poor grades are a result of lack of caring and missed work then there should be some kind of consequence. You are lucky your d is smart and has a good ACT.

I am a graphic designer too... . I think it is a great profession and she could always go into web design etc... . it really is a job you can do from home and I am glad your d has an interest. I am all for a gap year if that will help. I am afraid that my dd would just lay in bed and watch TV for a year... . We of course would not support that and she would need to have a job and even if she didn't have a job I would insist she volunteer a certain amount of hours. No job... . no money to go places and put gas in her car... . no job= no car.

my dd feels a great sense of entitlement... . but that can just be a teen thing... .

One thing I think is really good is to go over what things cost with her... . phone, car, apartment... . make her awre that things are not free and once she moves out she will have to find a job to pay for these things. My dd is very immature so I just don't think she understands what things cost... .

For me I really try to reduce the power struggles... . that has help reduce conflict... . we are still learning but things have gotten better over the past year... . the week grades are due are always stressful... .

[ABelle]

I am struggling with these same issues.  Our d16's grades have slid to abysmal lows in the past two grading periods.  She was once a gifted student who enjoyed learning, and now school is too stressful to deal with for her.  She almost seems to enjoy the drama of detesting school, which is a real pain since I teach at her school.  I can't tell you whether it is worth it to argue about grades - to be honest a have given up that fight, at least for now.  My D was in the hospital earlier this year, which set her back even more academically, and she does not want to do any work at this point in either math or science.  These are the classes that she does not consider useful or interesting, so she states that she can't understand these topics. 

We have made an offer of a smart phone for all Cs and above, and we are not budging (she only has a flip phone with no internet). She argues about that, but we are firm.  I do not have a specific consequence for her failing grades (three of four classes at this point), because the ultimate natural consequence is that she may have to retake all or some of these classes.  We are providing the carrot, and school provides the stick.  I keep my fingers crossed that she will get on board sooner or later.

[theplotthickens]

We are doing a private high school education via homeschooling and hiring a bunch of tutors.  I can tell you that it is logical and perfectly reasonable that you will not pay for classes in which she refuses to do the work.  My daughter is taking Composition, American Sign Language, Speech, and Watercolor Painting.  She is also in a theater company which is not cheap.

We collaborated on choosing the classes, but if she doesn't get a decent grade, we will not pay for them the next semester.  If she does not do the work, she either has to pay for the class herself, or complete it independently.  

When she refuses to go to a certain activity that she wanted to go to, and that we PAID for, I give her the choice of either attending or reimbursing us for the tuition.  This has worked well for us, and it is a win-win.  She makes the choice.


It seems reasonable, as we are not made of money and education is expensive.

[theplotthickens]

I am having a h*** of a time trying to let go and have her face natural consequences and trying to still parent her. I feel unsure of what I am doing and am not consistent. I know this is not good for her either. I told her that her grades are her grades and I was going to back off, which I have. But, feel that I need to step in when her grade is 47%!

If she wants to stay in that school, but doesn't want to keep up her grades, maybe she can get a job and pay for the tuition, or a portion of it.  This gives her ownership and choices, and also empowers you as a parent.  I bet you have plenty of things you could spend thousands of dollars on!