Things are so difficult...

[Thunderstruck]

Things have been so rough for us lately. In the past few weeks uBPDbm has really amped up her game.

- She has called DCF claiming that we do drugs (we both had to take a drug test and passed obviously). Now SD9 says "My mom thinks you smoke pot". Wonderful.

- She called the police to come over for a "custody exchange" one day when she ASKED US to pick SD9 up from school because she was working late. Now SD9 thinks we're keeping her from her mom.

- So much alienation... . SD9 is in hysterics when we pick her up from school and just screams "I want to go to my mom's house!".

- When SO went to pick up SD9 after school, he found out that a random person had already got her. Turns out it was the neighbor and SD9 was HOME ALONE. SO called the police who said there's nothing they could do. Now uBPDbm claims SO tried to break in, threatened SD9, threatened the neighbor, and they're scared of him ( ). Oh, but she still wants us to watch SD9 this weekend because she has to "work".

- Apparently she filed papers with the court but refuses to send them to SO or his L.

It sounds like court is the next step (we still don't have a CO). I'm insanely nervous. We have documentation of everything but her emotional reasoning can be SO convincing to an outsider. Especially since right now she's desperate and trying everything.

Here's what we have:

- SO has a stable job and residence. uBPDbm has had 5 jobs in two years. uBPDbm and SD9 share a room.

- uBPDbm abuses the legal system: false DV allegation, 3 police visits, and DCF all in two years

- uBPDbm consistently neglects SD9's homework (missing assignments, doesn't sign off on work, wrong answers)

- To prevent SO from seeing SD9 uBPDbm will pull her out of school early, keep her out of school entirely, have her ride the bus home or have a neighbor pick her up early such that SD9 is home alone. Plus there are numerous threats of moving or pulling SD9 out of school to keep her from us.

- uBPDbm bad mouths us to SD9 and does other harmful things with the end result being unjustified anger and alienation

- SO enforces nightly phone contact between SD9 and uBPDbm. SO has received 6 phone calls in two years (even though he asks nightly).

- Visitation is currently at slightly over 50/50 with us having the majority

Here's what we think she will claim:

- SO is a deadbeat (eventhough he makes weekly payments)

- SD9 says he is mean and doesn't want to be with SO

- That they have an agreement that uBPDbm gets weekdays and SO gets every weekend and SO "steals her days" when he picks SD9 up from school during the week

Those seem to be the most consistent arguments. In addition lately there have been the drug claims and who knows what else she will throw in there (lots of projection about him being the abusive one instead of her, her being so involved and him blocking access... . )

I think one of our weaknesses is that we don't have a T for SD9. Any other thoughts?

[ForeverDad]

We separated when son was still 3 years old.  When my son was 3 to 5 years old, he always came running to me at exchanges and sobbed and fought to stay with me when I returned him.  She tried many times to get him to lie to professionals including the hospital staff.  One time she took him in claiming she suspected/alleged s**ual abuse, "my son told me... . ", son told staff he wished he could spend more time with me.

Finally when he was in kindergarten and 6.5 years old - just a week after the pediatrician "withdrew services" because she had raged at and cursed out the staff - she was desperate to make me look worse than her and so somehow managed to get him to tell hospital staff I had beat him on his shins.  As an active boy he always had a few bumps on his legs.  The records there report the nurse saw the bruises as normal but since he stated it then it was referred to CPS.  CPS interviewed him at school and, as they reported, in the relatively neutral setting he didn't 'indicate' abuse.  It was closed as unsubstantiated.  However, I saw that she had gotten him to lie.  Turned out, at age 6 he didn't know what a lie was.  So I bought an out of print copy of Clifford the Big Red Dog's story, "T-Bone Tells the Truth".

In time he got used to the schedule adn time away from me.  At age 9 he had had equal time with me for over two years and I was seeking custody.  When ex found out a Guardian ad Litem was assigned to be his lawyer, at the very next exchange he came back to me, first words, "I want to keep 50/50".  I knew he was just parroting, but by that age he was developing a sense of "fairness" that she appealed to.

I listed the above to show how my child's reactions morphed over the years as he grew older and how my ex used them to benefit her.

It's clear to me that your SD is becoming or has become programmed by her mother and SO's parenting is being obstructed in multiple ways and he is experiencing the resulting alienation.  If those issues aren't addressed, the alienation is likely to get worse.  Do you have Richard Warshak's Divorce Poison?  The latest edition and his web site has information on Family Bridges which helps reunification, though maybe it hasn't gone that far.  Surely for now her getting an experienced and perceptive T, one not easily conned, is an excellent goal.  That should be one focus when he goes back to court.  My lawyer told me courts love counseling, just make sure it is with a competent professional and not an easily fooled enabler.

Since SO is heading back to court, be sure you have a copy of Bill Eddy's SPLITTING handbook.  That relationship with his ex is long over but this advice is still essential.

[marbleloser]

Actually, what your SO should have done is have the police meet him at her residence. Informed the police to get the child and hand her over to him. She's 9. Too young to stay home alone.

If the officer balked,request the shift supervisor show up,and ask that a report be made. If she's not in her mothers custody,dad has the parental rights,and no third party can come between that right,unless there's a crime,or some medical emergency.No teacher,no neighbor,no coach,no principal,NO ONE!

The US has laws in regards to this.Federal law for parents rights and states have to recognize it.

[Thunderstruck]

Actually, what your SO should have done is have the police meet him at her residence. Informed the police to get the child and hand her over to him. She's 9. Too young to stay home alone.

If the officer balked,request the shift supervisor show up,and ask that a report be made. If she's not in her mothers custody,dad has the parental rights,and no third party can come between that right,unless there's a crime,or some medical emergency.No teacher,no neighbor,no coach,no principal,NO ONE!

The US has laws in regards to this.Federal law for parents rights and states have to recognize it.

He called the cop to meet him at her place. The cop went in, talked to SD9. Checked that she had food and water and said he wouldn't do anything else. I guess we're not forceful enough. We're trying so badly to shield SD9 from conflict while at the same time getting stomped all over by her mother and any decision we make is the wrong one. Darned if we do and darned if we don't.

The previous night uBPDbm was telling SD9 that she had to stay home alone and she was so distraught and upset about the idea of it. She was scared and started crying not to be left alone.

[DreamGirl]

In my experience, this is all that matters:

- SO has a stable job and residence. uBPDbm has had 5 jobs in two years. uBPDbm and SD9 share a room.

- uBPDbm abuses the legal system: false DV allegation, 3 police visits, and DCF all in two years

- uBPDbm consistently neglects SD9's homework (missing assignments, doesn't sign off on work, wrong answers)

- To prevent SO from seeing SD9 uBPDbm will pull her out of school early, keep her out of school entirely, have her ride the bus home or have a neighbor pick her up early such that SD9 is home alone. Plus there are numerous threats of moving or pulling SD9 out of school to keep her from us.

- uBPDbm bad mouths us to SD9 and does other harmful things with the end result being unjustified anger and alienation

- SO enforces nightly phone contact between SD9 and uBPDbm. SO has received 6 phone calls in two years (even though he asks nightly).

- Visitation is currently at slightly over 50/50 with us having the majority

I say that because, often times in these emotionally charged situations, there is this finger pointing contest that goes on and it makes both sides look like it's more about the fight then it is about the kiddo.

So in turn, I'd answer to any of her accusations with facts and rationalizations:

Here's what we think she will claim:

- SO is a deadbeat (eventhough he makes weekly payments) Dad pays child support in full and on time

- SD9 says he is mean and doesn't want to be with SO It's important that Dad and daughter maintain a relationship and Dad is willing to do whatever it takes. Dad can provide therapy for daughter and incur the costs.

- That they have an agreement that uBPDbm gets weekdays and SO gets every weekend and SO "steals her days" when he picks SD9 up from school during the week Verbal agreement has worked so far, would like to add a clause that says that on Tuesday's and Thursday's when mom is working late, Dad is able to pick child up from school. Not only is it in the best interest of the child to be with a parent rather then a neighbor or home alone, it can help save on costs of any daycare expense that may be incurred. Dad is willing to drop child off at 7:30pm when Mom arrives home from work.

Those seem to be the most consistent arguments. In addition lately there have been the drug claims and who knows what else she will throw in there (lots of projection about him being the abusive one instead of her, her being so involved and him blocking access... . ) Dad does not use drugs and there is not any evidence that suggests that he does (negative drug tests, work requires being drug free, no criminal record).

He believes that the relationship between both parents and the child are equally as important and is willing to continue to encourage that relationship with the child's mom. It should be a requirement of both parents to facilitate the relationship with the other parent - neither parent disparaging the other parent in front of child, do not limit phone access, share all pertinent information about the child, and encouraging the child to not feel like she has to choose one parent over the other.  

Judge's and other professionals tend to recognize when one parent is stable and one is not. You actually don't have to say a whole lot for either parent to show what they are actually bringing to the table.  If it ever does go to trial - you'll also know what you are up against.

I've found that an effective court strategy is to build yourself up, not tear the other parent down. Not everyone agrees with that of course, but it proved to be pretty effective in our situation. It was a lot of her accusing him of how she felt ("he's a bad dad!") and him saying "no, that's not true. We're both good parents and we both should be a significant part of these children's lives. Our discord for each other has nothing to do with the children's right to have both parents in their life." My husband also knew that her being upset had probably a whole lot more to do with her "projections" (as you put it), so by telling her she was a sufficient parent (which she really is according to the [low] standards that are set forth in this country) that it helped her not be so aggressive in saying how awful he was.

My thoughts are that if you have been exercising a certain kind of custody agreement for an extended period of time, just say "this is what we agreed to and it's really been working so far". If it's 50/50 (and you are OK with 50/50) really push for it. Let her make all the accusations and do all the finger pointing.  

[ForeverDad]

In many states there is no specific age set for when it's okay to be a latchkey kid.  For example, my state has does not set a specific age.

www.latchkey-kids.com/latchkey-kids-age-limits.htm

Likely SD9 is at that 'tween' age, depending on her level of maturity it could go either way.  Apparently the officer felt it didn't justify intervention.

When in court SO needs to bring all his documentations, since some may be needed.  He can let her wildly claim he's a deadbeat and then he can show proof of payment to the judge.  Same for other accusations.  Same for his allowing phone calls consistently but her denying them consistently.  Etc.  The judge needs to see a contrast between them.  Reasonableness, consistency and cooperation with the order versus unreasonableness, inconsistency and obstruction of the order.  What the judge will actually do about it is the real question.

Since I have a very possessive ex and she would have taken over my time anytime I wasn't personally present, so my order stated that school and daycare were exempt from ROFR (right of first refusal).  Finally I decided this year son was in middle school and I'd let him ride the bus home and be there until I returned from work.  Naturally ex said No! at the beginning of the school year.  The lawyers and police corrected her.  At age 11.5 there was no doubt he could be at home alone for a few hours.

[marbleloser]

" Apparently the officer felt it didn't justify intervention."

That's true,but in the end it doesn't matter. If dad said "Have the kid come outside so I can take her home" the officer would need to do that.If he doesn't,call and have the supervisor sent.

This kid is not at age of majority and has no say so in the matter.The officer,and dad,let the 9 year old kid call the shots.

[DreamGirl]

" Apparently the officer felt it didn't justify intervention."

That's true,but in the end it doesn't matter. If dad said "Have the kid come outside so I can take her home" the officer would need to do that.If he doesn't,call and have the supervisor sent.

This kid is not at age of majority and has no say so in the matter.The officer,and dad,let the 9 year old kid call the shots.

Parents are allowed to have different values in this, especially when the child is under your care on your time.  

For instance, my son's father lets my kids play video games that I believe are age inappropriate (indicated by the sticker on the front of the game). If I don't agree, it's not really my place to barge in their front door and turn off the tv and set down the game controller. If he thinks it's OK that they play the video games, as their father - he's allowed to decide. I hate it, but I can only enforce my values in my own home... . not his.

The kid was safe, the police officer checked it out and probably asked a couple pertinent questions (What happens in an emergency? Do you have a neighbor you can go to? What time is mom coming home?). Mom believes that kiddo can be home for an hour (or two) by herself, the laws in most states read that it is legal and mostly depends on the maturity of the child. Parents are usually the best at gauging this.  

This is a civil disagreement about a child staying home alone - not a criminal case against mom. I seriously doubt that dragging the child out of the house and taking her home would help this situation. What happens when mom calls the police accusing Dad of kidnapping the child on her time?

It's a lot of unnecessary drama in my book.  

There's also a trend in showing that American parents are way too over-protective anyways. I read an article that showed how big the contrast is in different countries, even mentioning an 8 year old in Belgium who took three different buses to get to school everyday. Three year olds in China riding their bikes freely in their neighborhoods while the parents still inside their homes.

[marbleloser]

"What happens when mom calls the police accusing Dad of kidnapping the child on her time? "

First,a parent can't kidnap their own child when the child is unsupervised by the other parent,without a court order,which is what Thunderstruck has said.

Second,too many times parents sit back and let the stbx or x call the shots. They slink away,trying not to cause any "drama" and it costs them in the end.

Last,playing a video game and leaving a child unattended are two totally different things.

Here's a link to some parents rights cases.It deals mostly with education,but includes other court cases.Many parents don't know their own rights when it comes to thier kids.

www.hslda.org/docs/nche/000000/00000075.asp

[DreamGirl]

In the eyes of the law, there is no difference. It doesn't constitute abuse or neglect and no law is being broken.

Its also about keeping the kids out of the parental conflict which does negatively effect (studies even suggest that its damaging to) the kiddos.

[Nope]

Some things aren't a problem unless a judge says they are a problem in that one specific case. Sometimes you need to take a step back and try to think about what a judge is likely to say, which differs from one area to another depending in norms and values.

Example from my case: Kids are living in a small two bedroom house. BPD mom has one bedroom. SD11, SS9 and their four year old half sister all share the other bedroom. They live in a very poor rural town where there are no laws written about having opposite sex kids in the same bedroom. But at those ages, we are banking on the judge having a problem with it.

[Thunderstruck]

Now uBPDbm is claiming that SO tried to break into her house, threatened SD9, threatened the neighbor, and they are terrified of him. She says she has two neighbors to corroborate her drama. Should we go to the police station and ask the officer to write up a report? He waited until the cop was there to talk to the neighbor and check out the house. I think right now all that is filed is the dispatch report.

I think in court we can defuse this if he gets to testify first. Just tell his side of what happened and then when she starts screaming that he tried to break in and threatened she'll sound unreasonable. If she screams those claims first then he'll have to defend himself and that's harder to do.

SO is completely sick and emotionally drained from all of this. He said to me yesterday that he doesn't even feel like he has a daughter anymore. It's so sad.  :'(

[ForeverDad]

I record any time I think conflict is possible.  Self-protection is a need in cases like ours.  (Some states have two-party notification restrictions and courts prefer the children aren't recorded, but if he does it to "record himself to be sure it is documented he didn't do anything wrong" then he should be okay.  Of all the members here who have recorded, and it is legion, I recall only a small handful of cases where the court got peeved at recordings and told the parents to stop.  So far as I know, no one went to jail for recording exchanges and interactions with the other parent.)

If he had recorded himself he would have proof he didn't behave improperly.  However, having an officer present is Golden.  Yes, ask for the officer to write out a report and then get a certified copy.  It may be the most non-committal bland statement you've ever read, but at least it will squash ex's wild claims that SO was abusive or threatening.  (However, perhaps he should let ex make her wild claims of abuse and threats to the court and then let the officer or officer's report make her look utterly ridiculous with her exaggerated claims.)  Remember, she gets her traction by making intense, emotionally compelling claims presented as Fact.  Pop her balloons and she has little on her side except momentum.  What you need is for the court to state, in writing if possible, that her claims are Not Credible.  Not Credible is passive courtspeak for 'Liar'.

[DreamGirl]

SO is completely sick and emotionally drained from all of this. He said to me yesterday that he doesn't even feel like he has a daughter anymore. It's so sad.  :'(

I bet. It's hard to stay engulfed in this stuff and not reach a point where you feel beaten down.  :'(

Combatting alienation is a covert battle because the child really doesn't have the cognitive skills to see the bigger picture. The most important strategy is by showing the child you do not have to choose between parents. We do that by consistently encouraging the relationship with the other parent and not practicing any of our own (lesser) alienating behaviors - which often drives the child to the alienating parent.

Bill Eddy has these suggestions:

1. POSITIVE COMMENTS: Regularly point out positive qualities of the other parent to your child.

2. REPAIRING COMMENTS: All parents make negative comments about the other parent at times. If you realize you made such a comment, follow up with a “repairing comment”: “I just spoke negatively about your father [or mother]. I don’t really mean to be so negative. He has many positive qualities and I really value your relationship with him. I’m just upset and my feelings are my responsibility, not his and not yours.”

3. AVOID REINFORCING NEGATIVE COMMENTS: Healthy children say all kinds of things, positive and negative, about their parents – even about abusive parents. If there is abuse, have it investigated by professionals. If not, be careful that you are not paying undue attention to their negative comments and ignoring their positive comments.

4. TEACH PROBLEM-SOLVING STRATEGIES: If your child complains about the other parent’s behavior, unless it is abusive, suggest strategies for coping: “Honey, tell your father something nice before you ask for something difficult.” “Show your mother the project you did again, she might have been busy the first time.” “If he/she is upset, maybe you can just go to your room and try not to listen and draw a picture instead.”

5. AVOID EXCESSIVE INTIMACY: Children naturally become more independent and self-aware as they grow up. Be careful not to be excessively intimate with your child for the child’s age, as this may create an unhealthy dependency on you. Examples include having the child regularly sleep with you in your bed beyond infancy; sharing adult information and decisions (such as about the divorce); and excessive sadness at exchanges or how you miss the child when he or she is at the other parent’s house.

6. AVOID EXCESSIVE COMPARISONS: When you emphasize a skill or characteristic that you have, don’t place it in comparison to weaknesses of the other parent. You each have different skills and qualities that are important to your child. By comparing yourself positively and the other parent negatively (even if this feels innocent), you can inadvertently influence your child. Remember that your child is a combination of both of you, and thinking negatively of one parent means the child may think negatively about half of himself or herself.

7. GET SUPPORT OR COUNSELING FOR YOURSELF: It is impossible to go through a divorce without getting upset some of the time. Protect your child from as much as possible by sharing your upset feelings with adult friends and family, away from your child. Get counseling to cope with the stress you are under.

[Thunderstruck]

And... . now she filed a restraining order for DV.

Things just keep getting better.

[ForeverDad]

No surprise.  Have you been preparing, knowing this was likely going to happen?  Are you documenting that you are not doing anything wrong when within range of her?  Recording yourself may be good insurance in case you have to defend yourself from wild allegations.  I recorded and I viewed it like Insurance... maybe never used but comforting to have.

Study Bill Eddy's SPLITTING handbook.  Make no major changes in your life or interactions with her without guidance from your lawyer.

Remember, no plea deals where you admit any level of guilt!  If you do then you'll probably regret doing so for many years to come.  Right now she's in an extinction burst of epic proportions.  Just weather the storm while simultaneously defending yourself and it will eventually get better.  Yes, it's a rough patch now, but in time the truth will be recognized and you will be confirmed as a reasonably normal parent.  She may not face consequences for unsubstantiated (=false) allegations, but over time she will probably appear less and less credible to the professionals and agencies.

Probably major reasons for the TRO are for her to (1) posture as the victim, (2) block your parenting and (3) keep you on the defense as non-primary parent.  Just as she tried to control the marriage, she wants to control the divorce.  It's possible the court may restrict your parenting briefly while they order a psych eval or a quick investigation but the likely outcome is that you'll end up with at least 'normal' father time.  Unfortunately, normal father time is often just alternate weekends.  Struggle to get more than that.  If she's already trying to block your parenting then your daughter needs you even more.

[Thunderstruck]

We had an exchange tonight. We make them occur at the police station and had an officer stand by plus recorded it. Now she'll have to explain why,  if she is so fearful,  she met us and handed SD9 over to us.

[ForeverDad]

In the grand scheme of things whether she continues to play the victim/target card is not as big an issue as her potential obstruction of your parenting.  At some point she will be (mostly) out of your life as an ex-spouse but you will always be a parent.  Your primary goal is to make sure she is not successful in obstructing or limiting your parenting.

She is likely to make so much chaos in an attempt to sidetrack you into negative engagement that gets you nowhere.  You need to have a realistic and assertive strategy to establish your parenting so firmly that she can't undermine it.

Exchanges at the police station are not unusual. My ex postured as fearful and a target and so she insisted on the local sheriff's office.  It was out of the way for both of us, me especially, but we did it for about 5 years.  When she didn't want to drive all the way she asked me to pick our child up or drop him off near her but when she was 'triggered' and angry she would threaten to call the police if I came near her residence and insisted on the order.  During that time she moved farther away and when I got custody she agreed to a regular exchange location midway between our residences.