DD14 in RTC - Continuation

[Parents! Get help here!]

I won't see or talk to her until that day though. Ex is going to pick her up and drop her off at my house to help with the mileage. I appreciate that. I will take her back after dinner.

My DH isn't happy that they are allowing DD home without first discussing it with us and having a plan. I see his point, but I'm just happy she's coming home for Easter. I sure hope he gets to the point where he can forgive DD... . he clearly harbors a great deal of resentment.

[raytamtay3]

I won't see or talk to her until that day though. Ex is going to pick her up and drop her off at my house to help with the mileage. I appreciate that. I will take her back after dinner.

My DH isn't happy that they are allowing DD home without first discussing it with us and having a plan. I see his point, but I'm just happy she's coming home for Easter. I sure hope he gets to the point where he can forgive DD... . he clearly harbors a great deal of resentment.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Being Mindful]

Your DH is right about concerns that the RTC didn't help to put a plan together and consult you on whether a visit was appropriate at this time.

[raytamtay3]

Since I didn't get the opportunity to talk to DD beforehand, I asked my exh to have her call me on the way to our house so that I can tell her the expectations for the visit or to let her know that the visit is to be with family and not friends.  He text'd me when they were 10 minutes away letting me know how close they were (it was 10 am at this point). So I never got the chance to talk to DD. When she came in I ran up and hugged her trying to make her see how happy I was that she was there for Easter. I had the whole family coming over for dinner. I made her up a little Easter basket as well.

She told me her friend was on her way over... . I said that I really didn't want her friend over this visit but that I would allow it but that she had to leave before the guests arrived, which was around 2 (I kick myself for giving in on that one  ).  :)D ran straight to her bedroom to change out of her RTC garb and into her regular clothes and put on makeup, etc. I started getting myself ready as well. She then started badgering me about letting her go out with her friend until dinner time. I said no. She relentlessly badgered me and I again said no, end of story. She stormed off.  When her friend arrived she came in and gave me a hug and wished me a Happy Easter. Now up until that point, out of all of DD's friends, I liked this one because while I know she smokes pot too, at least she goes to school and goes home at her curfew. So basically she plays the game. And that's all I've asked off DD too. Just play the game and do what you are suppose to do. Anyway, her friend came over around 12.  Around 1:40 DD asked if she could go get coffee at WaWa with her friend and I said no. There will be no leaving the premises. And I told her it was time for her friend to leave anyway because guests would be arriving any minute. She asked for $1 so her friend could just go and bring her back a coffee. I said I did not have any money on me and went on my back deck. She managed to get a $1 off of my mom and took off with her friend. She did not come back until 3:30 and was wasted! She started to try and explain what happened and I told her to save me any excuses and left it at that and we left at 5 for the ride back to the RTC. Neither one of us said word to each other on the way. She was still wasted.  I am calling her RTC CM today and telling her that DD is not ready to come home yet and I will not allow it for a long time and tell her what happened yesterday and request a drug test. I

her what occurred as well as ask that she be drug tested. I've had it. I am crushed  :'(

[jellibeans]

Ray... . were you really shocked? Put it behind you and realize your dd has a longs ways to go. See what the RTC says about future visits. They really should have prepared you for this first one but now you know going forward. She will come home again and you can plan for that. I would not let her have her phone at all during these visits and no friends for the first few times. Seems really soon for her to be coming home. I am surprised she didn't run away. It really could have been worse. My dd was only allowed to come home when she was getting close to being released.

My dd ran away from her RTC one night... . had a big party with strangers... . just did what she wanted while I worried myself sick at home. When they are in this frame of mind they really don't care about family or even themselves... . learn from the experience... . your dd has a long way to go.

[raytamtay3]

jellibeans - In hindsight, no, I'm not surprised. I guess I was just hopeful. Our regular visitations were going really well and the RTC said how she was doing very well there too. I can't believe I let my emotional guard down again. I'm such an idiot. For whatever reason, it really hurt me this time. Oh well. Live and learn right?

[jellibeans]

I hear you Ray... . I have been in the same position... . I end up being more upset with myself than my dd because I was tricked or I just wanted to believe so badly... . just shake it off and don't be hard on yourself... . put it behind you... . keep going forward.  

[Being Mindful]

Hi Ray, Try to use this to help you gain confidence, true meaning and acceptance to the fact that your daughter needs help, more than you can give her at home.

[raytamtay3]

Hi Ray, Try to use this to help you gain confidence, true meaning and acceptance to the fact that your daughter needs help, more than you can give her at home.

I am. In fact I told my DH that it's instances just like this that make it easier for me to keep her where she is.

[raytamtay3]

The RTC CM got back to me and said how the day pass was a test for DD who failed it and agrees she should not be permitted passes for a while. She said how they don't test unless they feel the youth is under the influence.   Well I'm telling her she was, so I hope they do.

She said she was going to contact me today to see how things went and said how she's going to talk to DD about what transpired Sunday.

It's nice being able to let someone else grab the reigns now for a while. It really is a relief. And boy oh boy was Sunday a reminder of just how awful things were with DD being home (the cursing, relentless badgering, standing in my way when I'd try and walk away). I am going to try and enjoy every moment of calm.

[raytamtay3]

As previously mentioned, I think, Sunday is my DD and my first family therapy session at the RTC. So instead of going to visit her tomorrow, I decided I'm just going for the therapy. She called my ex yesterday and told him she still wants me coming for a visit tomorrow. Well I'm sorry, I am not. Even if she hadn't totally ruined Easter by running off, I still wouldn't have gone because it's too much back and forth.

I am still very angry about Easter though. Truth be told. My ex said that DD told him she left because everyone was staring at her. What a crock.

I have to get my thoughts together and try and stop being so angry before Sunday.

[Rapt Reader]

I have to get my thoughts together and try and stop being so angry before Sunday.

Ah... . very WISE of you, raytamtay3 

Good luck on Sunday 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[raytamtay3]

Had our first family therapy session Sunday. It pretty much went how our in-home sessions went with DD still not taking responsibility for anything and blaming everyone else. She and the therapist butted heads a lot during the session as the therapist, as mentioned before, is very immature and does not conduct herself very professionally. I’m still trying to have DD switched.  About 10 minutes into the session, the therapist called to have DD escorted back to her housing because DD was raising her voice. I spoke up and prevented it by saying our purpose here is to get out our frustrations. That aggravated me some… Also, the therapist admitted to being too busy to review DD’s file. She knows absolutely nothing as to why she is there. She just thought it was because she got arrested and it was court ordered.

Anyway, a lot of tears from DD. She repeated that she is not getting any therapy there and wants to go someplace else. When DD left the therapist said that they hold the youth accountable and DD, like the others, have a hard time with that.

At the end DD just started agreeing with everything to end it. Saying how she is wrong and everyone else is right. That she will work on herself by listening to authority figures, doing what they say without arguing, etc. Realistically that’s what we’d love for her to truly believe and do. She was just saying it however to get it over with.

She said how she wants to go to a drug and alcohol RTC now. That it’s the drugs making her do things. I believe this is an effort to get out of where she is, and she also knows that typically those programs don’t have as long duration as this place.

DD was upset because they moved her only friend out of her house claiming they are not there to make friends. Therapist told me when DD left it’s because they were in cahoots. 

I’d be lying if I didn’t say how it hurts to see DD so distraught and crying. I truly believe she believes what she says. And that is really bad. She still blames me for her being there. I reminded her about the court order but did tell her the truth that I was in full agreement with it because everything else we’ve tried has failed and that if I can at least keep her safe knowing where she is if nothing else comes out of this.

I’m worried about her. She does not feel she needs help. She is resisting it. She is just going through the motions to get out.

She cried when I told her I didn’t think she was ready to come home for visits. She said she really planned on staying in on Easter, but that she just couldn’t do it. I tried to get to the root of why she is so angry and wants to constantly run. She claims she isn’t. 

She got mad at me when I told her therapist about the assault and how that was one of my fears that would happen. She cried asking why I was telling her business. I told her she is hear to talk about things. Of course the therapist knew nothing about that. In addition, she knew nothing about DD’s in-patient and out-patient stints at mental health facilities. I really don’t know what to do at this point. I am very disturbed at the fact the therapist said she has so many kids and is too busy to read DD’s chart! What the heck! I need advice. What should I do?

[jellibeans]

Ray

I understand your frustration and your concerns but I do think it is a bit early in the process and you need to give it time.

My dd16 has a STRONG fight or flight repsonse when things are not going her way. She actually ran away from her RTC. this is probably why she was separated from her friend. I know it is hard to see your dd struggle but she needs to deal with the uncomfortable feelings she has and learn to deal with how that makes her feel. Don't try and save her... . rescue her.

Your dd is ODD... . it will be harder for her... . because that is the way she approaches difficulties... .

Were you given a treatment plan yet?

[raytamtay3]

Ray

I understand your frustration and your concerns but I do think it is a bit early in the process and you need to give it time.

My dd16 has a STRONG fight or flight repsonse when things are not going her way. She actually ran away from her RTC. this is probably why she was separated from her friend. I know it is hard to see your dd struggle but she needs to deal with the uncomfortable feelings she has and learn to deal with how that makes her feel. Don't try and save her... . rescue her.

Your dd is ODD... . it will be harder for her... . because that is the way she approaches difficulties... .

Were you given a treatment plan yet?

I know this. It's the therapist I am extremely concerned about. She is immature and unprofessional. I'm going with my gut on this one. I already emailed the RTC sasying DD is either assigned a different therapist or I'm having her discharged and moved elsewhere. We do not have time to waste for her to be "trained" on how to be a therapist!

[raytamtay3]

You have no idea how appalling it was yesterday. The therapist kept rolling her eyes whenever my DD talked, intanaganizing her (sp?), would keep interrupting her and was downright rude. I know my DD has issues. I know my DD is trying anything to get out of there  - period. I wasn't even listening to what DD had to say about it. These are my own observations. I am not rescuring her. You know what. No, I am dammit. I'm rescuing her from being subjected to an unexperience, unprofessional immature therapist who literally conducts herself like a child and acts like my DD! Unacceptable and appalling. I am so angry right now.  I cannot believe an RTC would allow an unexperience therapist work with youth. My DD has enough issues than to have to deal with that. Nope. Sorry. Done.

[Rapt Reader]

Hi, raytamtay3... .

Have you heard back from the RTC about changing your daughter's Therapist yet?

From what you have observed and shared with us here, I would probably want to have that Therapist changed, also. I hope they can arrange someone more qualified, if the young woman working with your daughter can't do the job correctly.

Is there anyone else to support you in this, or to give their insights into what you are seeing? Her Case Manager or someone involved in sending her there? Do they keep in touch with the RTC or with you? How does your Ex--your daughter's father--feel about her changing Therapists? I'm sorry this is so stressful for you... .

[crazedncrazymom]

Hi raytay,

I understand your frustration.  Been there.  My dd was in rtf for a year and I don't think she received any useful therapy at all.  The family sessions were a joke and we ended up cancelling half of them because they were so useless.  I kept in touch with the therapist via e-mail because I found her intolerable to deal with.

What concerns me most is that she did not have an expectation setting meeting for her home visit.  That's HUGE!  I believe it really set you all up for failure.  I'm not saying it would have gone perfectly if you had the meeting but it was doomed to fail without it.

Mostly you need to set your expectations for these places.  Your daughter may not get the counseling she needs and deserves in one of these places.  She will learn self control and see how very lucky she is to have a mom who cares as much as you do. That could take time, but just keep at it.  Keep her in an rtc (whether you move or not is up to you).  She doesn't belong home yet.  She'll just drive you crazy.  She needs time to learn and you need time to rest!

Take care of yourself

crazed

[raytamtay3]

Hi, raytamtay3... .

Have you heard back from the RTC about changing your daughter's Therapist yet?

From what you have observed and shared with us here, I would probably want to have that Therapist changed, also. I hope they can arrange someone more qualified, if the young woman working with your daughter can't do the job correctly.

Is there anyone else to support you in this, or to give their insights into what you are seeing? Her Case Manager or someone involved in sending her there? Do they keep in touch with the RTC or with you? How does your Ex--your daughter's father--feel about her changing Therapists? I'm sorry this is so stressful for you... .

Yes. Our District CM was the first to mention how unprofessional and immature the therapist was after attending the care meeting in person along with my ex. She called me immediately and said she was "repulsed". She was beside herself. She wanted to contact the therapist's manager to complain and I said hold-off for a bit longer before now. Now I told her go right ahead. I haven't heard back from the facility yet.

Her father has not liked the place from the get-go, but I'm keeping him out of the process in that regard as much as possible out of fear he'll say something to DD to make matters even worse there (the thought that she's leaving anyway or something). He complains to me and I just assure him things have not gone unnoticed and will be addressed and leave it at that.

[raytamtay3]

Hi raytay,

I understand your frustration.  Been there.  My dd was in rtf for a year and I don't think she received any useful therapy at all.  The family sessions were a joke and we ended up cancelling half of them because they were so useless.  I kept in touch with the therapist via e-mail because I found her intolerable to deal with.

What concerns me most is that she did not have an expectation setting meeting for her home visit.  That's HUGE!  I believe it really set you all up for failure.  I'm not saying it would have gone perfectly if you had the meeting but it was doomed to fail without it.

Mostly you need to set your expectations for these places.  Your daughter may not get the counseling she needs and deserves in one of these places.  She will learn self control and see how very lucky she is to have a mom who cares as much as you do. That could take time, but just keep at it.  Keep her in an rtc (whether you move or not is up to you).  She doesn't belong home yet.  She'll just drive you crazy.  She needs time to learn and you need time to rest!

Take care of yourself

crazed

Oh there is no way in hell she's ready to come home! No way! But an RTC change may be needed. And she will stay where she is to streamline the process because she can't come home.

[MammaMia]

Ray

I am so sorry you are going through this.  Sometimes I wonder if the therapists do not need therapy and lesions on behavior. Maybe she is overworked, maybe she is tired of hearing about all the drama.  She is in the wrong profession if she feels that way.  A bad therapist is worse than no therapist.

Stay strong and fight for what is best for dd.  The system will not work without constant pressure on them to do so. Please do not give up.  Coming home is NOT an option for your dd.  It would be counter-productive for everyone.  You do not need that and neither does she.

You are in my thoughts and prayers.

[raytamtay3]

I'm hoping that it's because they are trying to make a therapist change before they contact me, but I haven't heard a peep from the RTC about either wanting a new therapist for DD or a change.  I am really worried about DD. I feel I made a terrible mistake sending her to this RTC. I can't shake the feeling. I just hope I can find a better place for her.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Being Mindful]

I'm hoping that it's because they are trying to make a therapist change before they contact me, but I haven't heard a peep from the RTC about either wanting a new therapist for DD or a change.  I am really worried about DD. I feel I made a terrible mistake sending her to this RTC. I can't shake the feeling. I just hope I can find a better place for her.

It's okay Ray, take what you have learned and keep applying it forward. Ask yourself what could I do different in locating a different RTC or what can I do now to make the best use of this one. What are her specific needs. Really, really look deeply into each setting, if you are indeed looking for a different placement, start now. Many of us who have been through the process took many weeks to several months to find the right one.

[raytamtay3]

how much more I can take! My mother moved in with us a few months ago after leaving my father as the environment was hostile between the two and unsanitary. Mom is on hospice and 24/7 oxegon and is doing better after in remission from lung cancer but still has COPD. She can walk around, but sleeps a lot. Dad (I'm his only child) lives at the house with my 27 year old niece and her 9 year old son. Niece was diagnosed bi-polar many years ago. She mainly stays in her room. My dad was diagnosed with prostate cancer this year.

The house has been in active foreclosure but I prepared the paperwork for a home loan modification and just got the results back today. My sister, her girlfriend and my nephew were going to move into the house to take it over and help take care of my dad if we could get the mortgage down to what they could afford. As it turns out, it's too high. My sister asked if my dad could kick in $200 a month towards the mortgage and still continue paying the utilities (which I oversee and pay from his account). My dad said no. That either the mortgage company lower it $200 or it goes to foreclosure. I asked my dad where he would go if it forecloses and he said with me... . I had to tell him that between my mom and DD, I simply cannot do it. I feel so bad! I love my dad. But my mom and dad fight like cats and dogs. Scream at each other and I just cannot bring that in to an already stressful home. Not to mention things with my DH aren't that great now either.  I am so stressed out. I'm considering going on antidepressants because I am having a very hard time coping lately. :'(

[MammaMia]

Ray

When it rains it pours.  I am so sorry.  I know EXACTLY how you feel.  My BPD son crashed his vehicle last week and is in the hospital in another city 100 miles away with serious injuries: broken shoulder, arm, leg, and ankle.  There was a police chase and charges pending.  He has had 2 surgeries and is being moved to a transitional care unit today.  No insurance.  Full-blown BPD.  I am scheduled to leave Friday morning for a trip to TX I have had planned for 4 months to visit my sister.  I have not been to her home in 35 years.  It is a birthday reunion as another sister and friend are coming from FL as well.  I cannot help but wonder if this had something to do with the crash. He hit a brick wall doing 90 mph.  The hospital says it is a miracle he survived.

I hear your pain.  I too am so tired of dealing with family issues.  My daughter is having surgery here the day before I get back.  That came up recently as well.  I feel terrible about leaving, but I have to go for many reasons.  There is nothing I can do. Why do they do this?  I wish I had an answer.

I am on antidepressants and they help tremendously.  Just an fyi.

God help us all.

[raytamtay3]

Mamma - I am so sorry to hear what you are experiencing as well.    I'm glad your son is ok.  I think you need this trip to recharge your batteries.  We have to take care of ourselves in order to take care of our loved ones as well.  Thanks for reading my post and sympathizing. And take care of youself. Enjoy your trip.

[raytamtay3]

I received an email earlier this morning from the RTC CM saying she spoke to DD and was asked how the family session went and DD said so-so and then DD was asked how she liked the therapist and said DD seemed to be in between. I had requested a certain therapist. The therapist I met when I came for the initial placement meeting, and who I thought was going to be DD's therapist seemed great. Older woman who seemed to be well educated and professional. I was even given her contact information, which I later found out was an error, and had a chance to talk to her about some concerns I had early on. I really like her. She was very helpfull. Well I requested her for the change and was told she wasn't available. And the CM said DD asked if she, the CM, could sit in in the next family session the current therapist. I responded that I am hoping for the change to occur before than because that's a month away. I just received another email saying the change has been made and it's the therapist I requested afterall! Fingers crossed! God please let this one work out!

[jellibeans]

  Good News  woo hoo

[Rapt Reader]

That is GREAT, raytamtay3 

Good work, Mom 

[lever.]

Yaaay!

You have such a lot on your plate. Time something went well!

[Being Mindful]

Good advocating in the right area! So happy for you.