BPD partners, Codependency, and Divorce.

[SamsungUser86]

So, I am going through with the divorce. She appears completely in denial about it. I'm tired of how much she lied to me, tired of how emotionally spent I would be with her, she was always sick of had a physical mallady of some kind, tired of feeling and being manipulated, tired of my feelings not being respected.

However, I am also sorry for my incessant need for control, my insecurity and no boundary control. I am sorry for not being happy with myself before getting involved with someone, and I am sorry for feeling like my self worth only comes from the praise of others and helping others (not being able to say no).

I think I am highly codependent and the fact that I put up with this relationship for almost 5 years shows just how much abuse and excuses I am willing to make. I mean, the whirlwind of emotions in this relationship and the amount of times she has threatened to leave, the amount of times she threatened suicide and hurting herself, the manipulation, the make-up break-up stuff, the black-hole of despair I would drop to when she would go over the deep-end, the violent outbursts even hitting me at one point... . I put up with all of it and forgave her everytime. I know my codependency didn't help the situation but I don't deserve this anymore. We've only been married 4 months but together for 5 years. I told her divorce at least once and even though we've been seperated she still writes me emails about how great she is doing and how she won't have sex with anyone else, how she finally feels like the real her, how she is going to therapy now, how she dropped a pant size, how she got her own place, admits to all the crazy stuff she has put me through and how sorry she is... . and how much she misses me... . She tells me however, I have told her to her face multiple times that I will call the cops when she harrassed me by showing up at my work creating a scene, how she blew up my work phone line, and I have not communicated or responded to anything she has sent me over the last week and a half but she still writes me as if she doesn't know or believe that we're getting divorced.

She always told me she doesn't believe in divorce, but regardless of that, it's happening. However, after everything I went though I am still feel like I am being very cold, however I keep having to remind myself that I am doing this for myself. I have to be selfish if I want to be happy. I have given my entire self away to others my whole life and I don't want this anymore for my life.

I am holding my breathe as to what will happen once she is served with the divorce papers which should be this week. She has threatened suicide before and attemped by OD'ing in the past... . so I am not sure what will happen but I have to protect myself. I am not going to date for a long time until I learn to maintain boundaries, be more independent, not rely on others' approval, not criticising and analyzing everything I am doing, and most importantly create a strong and happy relationship with someone I have neglected for a long time... . myself.

Anyone else going through a divorce? I could use some support... . I am constantly anxious about what's going to happen next... . how this will escalate... . wondering if she tries to kill herself or succeeds i'll have to live with the guilt for forever. I don't know how else to leave her other than completely breaking off all communication otherwise I might lose myself and go back to her and the cycle can start again.

[ForeverDad]

Of course none of us wants to seem cold or heartless, but in divorce you risk yourself if you allow emotions to cloud the issues.  Either you'd risk getting pulled back in or you'd risk anger getting you into trouble.  So it is not cold of you to be as businesslike as possible.  It's called self-protection.  It's called survival and eventual recovery.

Meanwhile, yes, do work on your own issues as well.  Learn from this experience and become a better person.  Not perfect, no one is perfect, but better.

Regarding suicidal threats or tendencies, you can't live her life for her.  She's an adult, the best you can do is try not to accidentally trigger her too much and the rest is up to her.  And point her to therapy.

[blur]

Hi. I am in the same boat as you are. Dated a girl off/on for six years and then married her. My daughter and I left her about 10 months ago after only 6 months of marriage. I've only had sparse contact with her through email. One fact that really bothers me is that I could only make it work for 6 months. I always said marriage was for life. That's exactly what she took from me,life. She would consume any and all joy and happiness and turn it to doom and gloom.

I haven't started the divorce yet,but it's coming. I KNOW it's the right choice for me and my daughter. It'll get easier man. The longer you can go without speaking the less you'll think of her. Good luck man.

[momtara]

"I always said marriage was for life."

Me too.  I have trouble accepting that I am divorced.  Promised myself my whole life I'd never do that.

I could have easily put up with a lack of communication, no affection, those sorts of things that people complainabout.  I would have done everything to stay married.  Except... . being verbally abused and lied to in front of (and about) my kids.  It went too far.

[Ihope2]

SamsungUser86, I am in a similar position to you. I hardly knew my BPD husband and married him straight away as the attraction was so intense.  Our marriage lasted all of 11 months, before I basically collapsed under the pressure of it all and filed for divorce.  We are not divorced yet, but my husband moved out right away (even though he is unemployed and was homeless when we met).  He has now left this city and I have had no contact with him since.  He threatened to kill himself and the bullet that would go through his brain would apparently have my name on it... . those were his parting words to me with tears streaming down his face and anger and pain in his heart.

This mental illness/personality disorder is truly tragic and devastating to all involved.  How dare anyone accuse anybody else of making them want to kill themselves!  How dare anybody put that on anyone else!  Truly, to think like that and to say that to someone else who has tried to love and care for them, it must be a manifestation of terribly distorted thinking and feeling and state of being. 

I also live with this accusation hanging over me, and it is also still very early days in our break-up, so I feel the awful trepidation and I wonder every day if he will go through with it and when I will get that call out of the blue that his body has been found.  But, I am not going to own this responsibility.  No matter how traumatic and painful a life he has lead to date, I cannot take responsibility for it on his behalf.  It is the most personal choice anybody can ever make: do they want to live, or do they choose to die.  And it is the ultimate manipulation to blame someone else for your decision to die at your own hands.

I also have had a huge problem with codependency my entire life. It has taken me to reach my mid forties to wake up to this fact and realise what it is doing to me and to those with whom I enter into relationships. 

We need to let go of this crazy notion that we have held on to all our lives that we are only worthy by being of extreme service to others, to the point of self-sacrifice and self-sabotage. 

[SamsungUser86]

SamsungUser86, I am in a similar position to you. I hardly knew my BPD husband and married him straight away as the attraction was so intense.  Our marriage lasted all of 11 months, before I basically collapsed under the pressure of it all and filed for divorce.  We are not divorced yet, but my husband moved out right away (even though he is unemployed and was homeless when we met).  He has now left this city and I have had no contact with him since.  He threatened to kill himself and the bullet that would go through his brain would apparently have my name on it... . those were his parting words to me with tears streaming down his face and anger and pain in his heart.

This mental illness/personality disorder is truly tragic and devastating to all involved.  How dare anyone accuse anybody else of making them want to kill themselves!  How dare anybody put that on anyone else!  Truly, to think like that and to say that to someone else who has tried to love and care for them, it must be a manifestation of terribly distorted thinking and feeling and state of being. 

I also live with this accusation hanging over me, and it is also still very early days in our break-up, so I feel the awful trepidation and I wonder every day if he will go through with it and when I will get that call out of the blue that his body has been found.  But, I am not going to own this responsibility.  No matter how traumatic and painful a life he has lead to date, I cannot take responsibility for it on his behalf.  It is the most personal choice anybody can ever make: do they want to live, or do they choose to die.  And it is the ultimate manipulation to blame someone else for your decision to die at your own hands.

I also have had a huge problem with codependency my entire life. It has taken me to reach my mid forties to wake up to this fact and realise what it is doing to me and to those with whom I enter into relationships. 

We need to let go of this crazy notion that we have held on to all our lives that we are only worthy by being of extreme service to others, to the point of self-sacrifice and self-sabotage. 

It is good to know that I am not alone. I too was very loyal and never thought i'd get divorced, but I just reached that moment where I snapped back to reality and said "No, I don't have to put up with this for another second let-alone for the rest of my life." Now that we're separated she wants me to be believe that she is completely different by telling me how wrong she was and how crazy the things she was doing, but i am not going to allow myself to believe it because if she couldn't decide to change while we were together there is nothing that can make me believe that because we're separated that everything is different now and that if I get back together that things will be better. Well, after 5 years i've seen this pattern unfold over and over again so I know once she gets comfortable, everything will return to the way it was... . intermittent periods of happiness and joy then switched to completely hopeless black-hold of misery. I always described her when she is in her bad spots as a black hold of emotion and joy. It's as if she sucks all energy (good and bad) around her into her self wallowing and self destruction.

Marriage is a promise and should be honored but I can't allow that sort of whirlwind for myself. Even if she got therapy (which she is apparently) right now, it would still be a long long way off before I could believe that anything is different and even then I wouldn't go back. I deserve better and for the first time in my life I am going to try my hardest to fill my own needs and live life for myself and be responsible for myself and my feelings. I am going to therapy to sort all this mess out, because I realized after this marriage and disaster of a relationship that I have serious codependency problems coupled with low self-esteem which I need to sort out and I need to take responsibility for my actions, thoughts, and life. It's not going to be easy or a short process but I need the time to build myself up and be a functional individual. 

[Ihope2]

Yes SamsungUser86, I am with you on that.  I also realised that I just cannot do this JOYLESS existence with my husband any more.

It is exactly as you described it, is felt like a black hole, living with my BPD husband, the black hole that just sucked all the joy and energy out of me.

I pray for him every day, I do not know what can help him.  Only a Higher Power can help someone with BPD.  It is the saddest thing ever.

I just could not put myself through the lack of joy any more.  I could not entertain the thought of the rest of my life being so fraught and confused and lacking any meaning and any joy.

[SamsungUser86]

So I am officially holding my breathe. My soon to be ex wife will be getting served. She is living with her grandparents and her grandparents already have the paperwork but haven't given them to her yet so they can all sit down with her and talk to her as they give her the paperwork. I know it's going to be bad, but I can't seem to shake all these thoughts of what she used to do whenever she would threaten to leave me or was really low... . threats of suicide, threats of self-harm and all kinds of stuff. I know when she is in that place where she is just incredibly miserable that she talks of suicide all the time, but I think this is going to really tip her over the edge. I know I am not responsible for whatever she does but the codependency with me is so strong I can't but feel like I am being too cold. Like I am doing this to her as revenge... . I know it's not why i'm doing it. I'm trying to protect myself from any more abuse/manipulation and others... .

I have to keep reminding myself that the actions of others are not my responsiblity. I just care way too much (codependent). I feel it's so incredibly sad because for the longest time (5 years) I have convinced myself that what she does is out of her control... . I used to tell myself that this is just part of BPD... . that she just becomes self destructive and can one month be well-rounded but then the next month she will be physically ill, deeply depressed, angry, talk more of suicide... . and I would be along for the ride. I still somewhat believe what I have been teelling myself for the last 5 years... . she just can't help it. I feel like with this divorce that I am picking on a little kid who just doesn't know any better... . but I can't allow myself to think like that anymore right?

I could really use some words of encouragement... . I know this is going to be really bad. My mind is thinking of horrible things that can happen when she gets the paperwork.