How to handle do this or else threats?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

So far I have said I will be happy to discuss what you want done but we need to communicate first and come to a mutually agreed on decision.  My uBPDw has decided that the way the car titles are need to be changed.  Lot's of text bombing today telling me I need to be at the DMV... . "or else".

She used to show up at office unannounced... that hasn't happened for a while.  Below is what she texted if I didn't comply with her demands.

text 1:  I will drop by ur office if i hv to 

text 2:   Today tommorrow the next day...


text 3:  U want to take our assets feom me it will be very public   


Usually threats and things like this blow over in half a day.  This is almost to a full day.  Lots of ridiculous claims

I have not explained the "boundary" to her... but for the past month or so when the threats come... . I walk away leave an event... . whatever.

kiss me now or the marriage is over (walked out), I'm sending the baby to xx state to be with my parents... . there is nothing you can do about it... . except get over it (I left the family event and drove home).

Now this car title thing.  I had business places to go anyway... so I wend ahead and went.  Just ignored all the text bombs and voice mails.

I tried to do some SET before I left in the morning.  "I can see this is upsetting.  I love you and want to find a way to work this out.  We should find time later today to discuss this and come up with a plan."

Really my first attempt at SET... . how did I do?  Wasn't effective... she was still pissed.

Oh... . back to the taking assets thing... she keeps claiming I'm trying to take stuff and leave... . take her kids from her... . really whacky stuff.

[formflier]

So far I have said I will be happy to discuss what you want done but we need to communicate first and come to a mutually agreed on decision.  My uBPDw has decided that the way the car titles are need to be changed.  Lot's of text bombing today telling me I need to be at the DMV... . "or else".

She used to show up at office unannounced... that hasn't happened for a while.  Below is what she texted if I didn't comply with her demands.

text 1:  I will drop by ur office if i hv to 

text 2:   Today tommorrow the next day...


text 3:  U want to take our assets feom me it will be very public   


Usually threats and things like this blow over in half a day.  This is almost to a full day.  Lots of ridiculous claims

I have not explained the "boundary" to her... but for the past month or so when the threats come... . I walk away leave an event... . whatever.

kiss me now or the marriage is over (walked out), I'm sending the baby to xx state to be with my parents... . there is nothing you can do about it... . except get over it (I left the family event and drove home).

Now this car title thing.  I had business places to go anyway... so I wend ahead and went.  Just ignored all the text bombs and voice mails.

I tried to do some SET before I left in the morning.  "I can see this is upsetting.  I love you and want to find a way to work this out.  We should find time later today to discuss this and come up with a plan."

Really my first attempt at SET... . how did I do?  Wasn't effective... she was still pissed.

Oh... . back to the taking assets thing... she keeps claiming I'm trying to take stuff and leave... . take her kids from her... . really whacky stuff.

[Mono No Aware]

SET is really not an effective direct tact against the Conspiracy Attacks (yes, I get them too.)

Her right-now demands to split assets is a common Splitting Black behavior where the fear of being not only abandoned but also left with nothing is so great that it provokes a "nuclear first strike" mentality where she will actively sabotage the relationship that's so black to her in the midst of dysregulation. But key is this: she won't take independent action. She needs YOU to be there actively assisting the split-up process because you are the bad guy.

I get similar demands during dysregulation episodes, and my response is a simple Boundary: No, I will not do that.

Be firm, be stoic, be resolute, and above all be calm. Bend like the reed in this storm but do not break the Boundary.

As her dysregulation swerves around banging into her many (logically unrelated) topics of ire, some may present an opening to slip in a good SET and some validation like "You are really feeling some major waves of upsetness." Maybe you get her focus more tilted towards the everyday little stresses that set her off in the first place, and the splitting up of assets will be forgotten eventually.

[formflier]

Thanks for the info/advice.  Do you think being silent is better than saying "no I won't do that"?

I was probably being a bit too practical by saying lets come to a mutual understanding first.  My rough plan was complete xx months of DBT and then I will happily sign something over.  I've been burned enough in the past to know that I get mine first... . or the deal is worthless.

Have you had to deal with showing up at work... . or otherwise trying to publicly embarrass you into doing something?  She called my work several times and then stopped by.

I had told her I would not be in the office... . and I proceeded with how my day was planned.

SET is really not an effective direct tact against the Conspiracy Attacks (yes, I get them too.)

Her right-now demands to split assets is a common Splitting Black behavior where the fear of being not only abandoned but also left with nothing is so great that it provokes a "nuclear first strike" mentality where she will actively sabotage the relationship that's so black to her in the midst of dysregulation. But key is this: she won't take independent action. She needs YOU to be there actively assisting the split-up process because you are the bad guy.

I get similar demands during dysregulation episodes, and my response is a simple Boundary: No, I will not do that.

Be firm, be stoic, be resolute, and above all be calm. Bend like the reed in this storm but do not break the Boundary.

As her dysregulation swerves around banging into her many (logically unrelated) topics of ire, some may present an opening to slip in a good SET and some validation like "You are really feeling some major waves of upsetness." Maybe you get her focus more tilted towards the everyday little stresses that set her off in the first place, and the splitting up of assets will be forgotten eventually.

[Mono No Aware]

Thanks for the info/advice.  Do you think being silent is better than saying "no I won't do that"?

Ah, well it's always a calculated risk based on gut-check when you choose between staying silent, trying to change the topic, or directly responding to the demand with a boundary. Each of these basic 3 choices can turn out to be a good defuse or a great way to throw high-octane fuel on the fire. There's no script to follow, you gotta wing it.

I was probably being a bit too practical by saying lets come to a mutual understanding first.  My rough plan was complete xx months of DBT and then I will happily sign something over.  I've been burned enough in the past to know that I get mine first... . or the deal is worthless.

Don't sign anything over unless it's full and committed divorce. It's a trap!

Also, BPD don't work too well with practical give-and-take logic and long-term goals - 6 months will be filled with who know how many flips and flops between splitting you black and loving the daylights out of you.

Nor do they do not do well in therapy when FORCED to go. They have to want to go. So I recommend not doing such deals.

Have you had to deal with showing up at work... . or otherwise trying to publicly embarrass you into doing something?  She called my work several times and then stopped by.

I had told her I would not be in the office... . and I proceeded with how my day was planned.

Fortunately I have not had to deal with that... . yet.

I'm usually in a position at work (lots of cube time) where I can take her crazy calls and I waltz outside - and go into full SET-UP and Validation mode to try and defuse her. I do ignore the crazy texts, way too many opportunities for her to read my words very wrongly. Been an interesting day, which is why I'm on the board.

If she shows up to dysregulate at my work I would lay down a serious Boundary.

[formflier]

 

Back to getting the daylights loved out of me. 

Here is the odd thing... . I've never seen it "change" from black to white... . as in literally watched it... . so I'm very curious if it takes a few minutes... . and hour... . or how they figure that out.

There was a couple hour break between phone calls.  I called for some routine admin item and it was obvious she had me still in black category.  I checked back to see if daughter had strep throat after a dr appointment (and to confirm the evening childcare schedule)... . and she was different person.  Nice to me... . all of that.

The awesome person that I enjoy being married to was around for the rest of the evening... . and seemed to be there when I left for work in the morning.

We have some potentially fun things planned this weekend with entire family.  Hoping I stay in the white category!

[Mono No Aware]

For years I called it The Emotional Roller Coaster.

Now I know it's BPD.

Hang in there, formflier, hang in there.

[Washisheart]

I get mute and walk away when the threats coming, after I shoot daggers through him with my eyes... .

It works. I don't say a word. If I'm at work and the threats start I ignore them.

It tends to give him time to realize he's acting crazy.

I had enough trying to talk about it, enough compromise, enough bending over backwards until I snap and it still not being good enough. I'm don't exerting all my energy into running his circus.

So I don't blame you!

[Washisheart]

I get mute and walk away when the threats coming, after I shoot daggers through him with my eyes... .

It works. I don't say a word. If I'm at work and the threats start I ignore them.

It tends to give him time to realize he's acting crazy.

I had enough trying to talk about it, enough compromise, enough bending over backwards until I snap and it still not being good enough. I'm don't exerting all my energy into running his circus.

So I don't blame you!

[Obibens]

Thanks for the info/advice.  Do you think being silent is better than saying "no I won't do that"?

Ah, well it's always a calculated risk based on gut-check when you choose between staying silent, trying to change the topic, or directly responding to the demand with a boundary. Each of these basic 3 choices can turn out to be a good defuse or a great way to throw high-octane fuel on the fire. There's no script to follow, you gotta wing it.

I have to say, that literally made me laugh out loud     That's how I feel soo many times in these situations - like I'm choosing between cutting the red wire or blue wire on a bomb.   

[matilda19]

Thanks for the info/advice.  Do you think being silent is better than saying "no I won't do that"?

I have read somewhere I can't remember where (maybe 'I Hate You, Don't Leave Me) that withdrawing and being silent in fact will trigger the BPD fear of abandonment and escalate the situation. Leaving the situation or not responding always triggers my BPD gf into a rage so I have learned that I need to confront the situation. Don't withdraw or sulk. Simply explain in a mature fashion what my wants and needs and expectations are. Does this help? I mean I don't know if this is a blanket rule but am aware that withdrawing triggers that abandonment fear quite strongly with a BPD sufferer. Any other opinions?