Replaced and Still Has the Power to Make Me Feel Bad

[WisdomSeeker]

Ex BPD GF of 5+ years, whom I lived with for almost 3 years had an affair for over a month with a younger version of me (at least 10 years younger than her). She exhibited signs of guilt or shame, so I started paying attention and discovered she was lying, cheating, and having an affair. I did a preemptive strike by leaving her when she went out to dinner with her girlfriends. I left a letter notating details of the cheating and wished her the best without any name calling as I had to bite my tongue.

Three weeks later after leaving her, she called me and asked to get together to discuss any "unresolved issues". I told her that I wasn't interested and that I had nothing else to say. Meanwhile, I miss her and her dogs and the family we had. At times, I regretted not asking her what she wanted to discuss.

After about 2 months of nc, I get an email from her asking for details of her tax return that I did for her last year. First of all, we aren't together anymore, so why is she being selfish by contacting me. Secondly, figure it out by yourself and leave me alone. Third, learn some dimplomacy, rather that asking for what you need. Sure, I miss the person whom I had trouble with before the cheating. But this is ridiculous.

Can anybody relate to this experience?

[maxsterling]

first of all, I'm glad you are doing your best to be NC with a woman who hurt you and pushed your buttons.  And I also give you props for ending things when your boundaries were crossed (the cheating).  But since this is on the "undecided" board - do you have hopes of reconnecting?

I can't say I've been through the same thing, nor can I say why she wants to contact you when she really needs nothing from you.  But I did have a NPD possibly BPD girlfriend who broke up with me, the next day saying that she respected me and always wanted me in her life, until I woke up to her manipulation and told her she was not a good friend and needs help for substance abuse.  She then demanded that I return some things she had left with me, and said her dad would be in town the next day and could pick them up.  I told her that I did not see the urgency, told her that I was unavailable to meet her dad, and that I would ship the items when I felt like it.  And that's what I did/  Put together a box of her stuff and mailed it to her.

I say that because I suggest you do the same - if there are things she needs from you, tell her you will mail them.  If it is other information, ask her specifically what she needs, why, and when.  If your sure she can get it elsewhere or does not need it - ignore her. 

[waverider]

Sure you are greiving.

It is normal for a pwBPD to come up with unrelated excuses, and presenting false facades, which have nothing to do with what is really going on in their mind.

The impact of her actions on you has no relevance to her. What she really wants/feels will be hidden.

The question you need to answer is should you be on the Undecided Board or the Leaving board? In other words what do YOU really wish for you future. If you don't want to be in  RS with you then you will have to cut her out completely, it would be very difficult to be "just friends" with an ex pwBPD.

In which case go with maxsterlings recommendations otherwise you will get caught in all sorts of trivial excuses to drag out the inevitable, and increase the odds of being painted black and having to deal with it.

[Split black]

Ex BPD GF of 5+ years, whom I lived with for almost 3 years had an affair for over a month with a younger version of me (at least 10 years younger than her). She exhibited signs of guilt or shame, so I started paying attention and discovered she was lying, cheating, and having an affair. I did a preemptive strike by leaving her when she went out to dinner with her girlfriends. I left a letter notating details of the cheating and wished her the best without any name calling as I had to bite my tongue.

Three weeks later after leaving her, she called me and asked to get together to discuss any "unresolved issues". I told her that I wasn't interested and that I had nothing else to say. Meanwhile, I miss her and her dogs and the family we had. At times, I regretted not asking her what she wanted to discuss.

After about 2 months of nc, I get an email from her asking for details of her tax return that I did for her last year. First of all, we aren't together anymore, so why is she being selfish by contacting me. Secondly, figure it out by yourself and leave me alone. Third, learn some dimplomacy, rather that asking for what you need. Sure, I miss the person whom I had trouble with before the cheating. But this is ridiculous.

Can anybody relate to this experience?

Just reading this is inspirational. 5 years and living together for 3 and you have enough self respect to walk and not look back. Im embarrassed that Im having such a hard time having only been with mine for 11 months and I was only part of a triangle or worse.

[WisdomSeeker]

Thank you all for your comments.

Split Black. Thank you for the compliment, but it isn't really deserving. Part of the reason I left without saying goodbye to her in person is because I didn't want to hear any BS rationalization for the cheating. Also, I was too weak and probably would have caved in and stayed, which would probably have ended bad for me. As I knew I couldn't compete with my replacement because I am going through bankruptcy, getting sued, and losing my job. Also, we hadn't had sex for about 18 months because I was split black when I didn't have a job. Furthermore, my preemptive strike move out was partially conceptualized to gain my power back for myself and to regain her respect. The hardest part was telling her I wasn't interested in getting together to go over "unresolved issues". I still try to figure out what she meant. The only reason I told her I wasn't interested was because I saw his car at her house at 1:30 am on Valentine's Night. Thus, when she called me a week after, I figured that they were still together. Plus, I never received an apology from her. Since that day when I told her I wasn't interested in talking, 7 weeks have passed with NC, but I look back in my head everyday. I am getting stronger, but I am still weak. I consciously and thus physically avoid situations that will hurt me. For example, I don't drive by her house anymore, I don't check her Linkedin status to see if she got a job, I don't check Facebook, I don't go to any social Meetup events where she could potentially bring my replacement. However, I do go the gym every weekend before noon due to membership constraints. She knows this and potentially could try to run into me to recycle me, which part of me still wants. I miss my family (her and her dogs which I helped adopt). I could live with the walking on eggshells part about her, but the cheating wasn't acceptable. She cheated, because I threatened to leave to get her to treat me better. I didn't know that I was pushing the wrong button at the time (abandonment). Now, I am trying to focus on myself and rebuild my life. But it is hard as I have too many problems right now.

Best wishes to you. Find the strength to put yourself first and love yourself. I am my own worst enemy. I verbally state what I am thankful everyday and what I will tolerate from other people. It has a very grounding effect and helps me get stronger. Take care.

[Split black]

@Wisdomseeker... .   its about the journey. Don't be too hard on yourself especially about bankruptcy... . I have several friends that were brought low by the horrible state of the economy and have re-invented themselves... . all various ages... . 30's-60's. Its never too late to start fresh.

These women are brutal. I wouldn't do to what mine did to me... . lies, cheating, manipulating all the while spewing her undying love... . to someone I despised let alone was supposed to love. She told me so many times I know you have my back. I have your back. Yeah... . I still have the knife embedded in my spine.  Makes me want to vomit in my own mouth. 

Stay strong.