Now what

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

So u was left about three weeks ago for no reason. Saying she needed time to fix herself, I'll never be good enough, ect ect. Well after three weeks of barely talking an not knowing what she was doing or where she was at she showed up. Said she was sorry and wanted to start over. After reading these boards for awhile I suspected her cheating then feeling guilty about it so asked me to take her back. I told her I would think about starting over but I wanted proof of what she had been doing. Lied about where she was for two weeks then finally told me she was seeing a therapist. This didn't add up because I always pushed for her to see one.

Now on to the proof. I asked for her phone to see who she has been texting and she got offended. I said if u have nothing to hide then why can't I see it. She still didn't get it. I have told her numerous times I want to take her to therapy and talk to her sponsor but she keeps telling me no because she isn't supposed to be seeing me. I keep telling her if this is going to work then I need to talk to them too. She just laughs. She has always been the type of girl that sat around and waited for me. Now she has plans everyday and says she doesn't want to talk cuz we will argue. She also said she is going to drop the therapy cuz they aren't helping and talk to a therapist she knows. Which would get rid of anymore proof.

I'm pretty fed up since she is impossible to reason with. I don't know if I can trust her or not. She never struck me as someone that would ever cheat but the way she's been acting I guess anything is possible. I find it pretty odd that someone that is willing to do anything to get you back won't even try to prove that I'm wrong in my thinking.

Is it possible she is actually trying to get better and seeing a therapist?

[Confused?]

So u was left about three weeks ago for no reason. Saying she needed time to fix herself, I'll never be good enough, ect ect. Well after three weeks of barely talking an not knowing what she was doing or where she was at she showed up. Said she was sorry and wanted to start over. After reading these boards for awhile I suspected her cheating then feeling guilty about it so asked me to take her back. I told her I would think about starting over but I wanted proof of what she had been doing. Lied about where she was for two weeks then finally told me she was seeing a therapist. This didn't add up because I always pushed for her to see one.

Now on to the proof. I asked for her phone to see who she has been texting and she got offended. I said if u have nothing to hide then why can't I see it. She still didn't get it. I have told her numerous times I want to take her to therapy and talk to her sponsor but she keeps telling me no because she isn't supposed to be seeing me. I keep telling her if this is going to work then I need to talk to them too. She just laughs. She has always been the type of girl that sat around and waited for me. Now she has plans everyday and says she doesn't want to talk cuz we will argue. She also said she is going to drop the therapy cuz they aren't helping and talk to a therapist she knows. Which would get rid of anymore proof.

I'm pretty fed up since she is impossible to reason with. I don't know if I can trust her or not. She never struck me as someone that would ever cheat but the way she's been acting I guess anything is possible. I find it pretty odd that someone that is willing to do anything to get you back won't even try to prove that I'm wrong in my thinking.

Is it possible she is actually trying to get better and seeing a therapist?

[seeking balance]

Is it possible she is actually trying to get better and seeing a therapist?

It depends on what you think of as better.

Having some time to yourself during those 3 weeks, were you able to step backward and look in the mirror to see who you are in this relationship and what it is you want in A relationship?

[Confused?]

Better thought process, less impulsiveness, more understanding of where I'm coming from. Any time I would talk to her she would always say I'm using her disease against her and putting her down. Where in reality I'm just trying to talk about something rationally with an irrational person. After the abrupt leaving I thought to myself about everything. She has always been a live in the moment person. Can't spend time without me. All the time and money and effort I put into this relationship I have always thought she always felt like she didn't deserve any of that. She doesn't look at herself in a good way at all.

What I want is a fair relationship. It has felt pretty one sides so far as far as showing love. I am willing to work with her but I really can't tell if she has just been lying this whole relationship at this point. And that is an impossible point to move forward with

[seeking balance]

What I want is a fair relationship. It has felt pretty one sides so far as far as showing love. I am willing to work with her but I really can't tell if she has just been lying this whole relationship at this point. And that is an impossible point to move forward with

Look to the right - choosing a path - Step 4, reality of BPD... . do you think what you want is realistic based on your experience with her and your understanding of BPD?  Are you willing to do the work on you that it takes to have a successful relationship with a pwBPD?

[In_n_Out]

You already have broken trust.  I'd be pretty insulted too if my SO *demanded* that I hand over my phone for proof of my actions.  That says there's a lack of trust and invalidation all over it.  Either you trust the woman when she says what she has been doing or you don't and if you don't, do you really want to be in a r/s with that kind of person?

[goingtostopthis]

Im having kind of a similar problem with my BPD boyfriend.   On one hand he does and says things that indicate he does want to continue the relationship, and then there are these contradiction in his behavior and things he says.

                                      For you wanting to see her phone, in my opinion is perfectly understandable in accordance to her behavior towards you.  Im not saying it was helpful,  but I can see how she has been pushing you towards this.  It almost sounds like she is so arrogant she thinks she can afford to be blatantly dishonest with you and if you dis trust her for it and call her on it,  How Dare you! 

                                     Its almost as if they get a self esteem feed off of you  by being like this.  This isnt your fault.        Ive been going through kind of similar thing with my BPD boyfriend  and everytime this happens(I question his honesty or intent)   I "do"  question myself,  Do  want to say in this relationship?  Is he playing games?  It sure feels like it.  Is it me?  Am I just needy or co-dependant?  Am I wrong?

                         I recently set some boundaries with him in the way he was talking to me and over him being pocessive over comments and freindships I have on FB.  Ive been bugged because he has a double standard with this. its ok for him to get all chatty with all these girly girls who are calling him honey and such,   but if i have male on my page who is only talking to me as a friend about a subject,  he gets all bent out of shape and acuses me of "liking"   you know  liking that person like weve got something going on. 

                       Anyways, I put a stop to that and something he was saying to me which was becoming abusive. So the last conversation we had was really good, it was almost as if we were getting back to our normal closeness again.  Everything ended well and I expected to hear from him again real soon.  Nothing. Its been two days havent heard a word from him.  I have to question this,  is he doing this on purpose to hurt me because now he cant say those abusive things to me anymore or be a sh** about my FB privacy. So is this another way to be passive aggressive?  Is he having seconds thoughts about our closeness and so now wants to send a message that he really doesnt care about me one way or another anyways. You know back to split mode.   Is this a part of his personality that was all ways be there and is this the real person for ever more that I will be dealing with if I decide to stay in this relationship? The conversation even though it was good,  I asked him what he was doing with his time and he wouldnt deal me  He evaded this.  What is the big deal?  I tell him eveything.  I think he does this just to be a Sh**.    Its passive aggressive.  Its childish. To make me think certain things or wonder to cause me to feel insecure and when I am insecure and I demonstrate this to him , he wins . He feels like a big man.  A brute is more like it.  and if he were female the "bi" word would fit.

                    I dont know about all BPD's,  but I do think a certain amount  of them survive emotionally by playing games  because that's all they know unless they seriously get help.  When they split they resort back to what they were before they met you.  What's next?,   I think for myself, is to work on myself but not in the way that sounds like Ive got the problem or that Im contributing to this because I dont think am any more.

                   I think you have to learn to see through them and more you do this the less their behavior bothers you and the less it bothers you the less you find your self even all that interested in them, period,   it fades after awhile,  because you cant function in a relationship with people who are like this.  no one can, I think they are all fooling themselves.   I dont mean to sound harsh , its just reality.  They are sick. YOu can love them  and do the best you can to love them back but at the end of day ,things are going to end up the same.  unless they get help... . and even then... .  How much of your self are you going to be willing to sacrifice until one day "you" say enough?    It takes time though, so dont beat your self up,  youre not alone.