Does anyone have and adult BPD dd who is raising a baby and are they doing well

[mggt]

Hi all wondering if anyone has positive experience with adult child with BPD dd raising a baby and how are they doing

Are they taking care of baby/child well feeding clothing keeping baby clean caring for baby in a loving way .  I have a dd with a baby and I continue to have serious doubt about her ability along with all that comes with having BPD.  Looking for some honest answers and all feedback welcome Thanks mggt

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[pessim-optimist]

We have experience with my SD32. She had 3 babies.

She had her first one at 19.5 yo - She had postpartum depression and did not really want to take care of the baby at first. Later on, she became very diligent in feeding/diaper-changing/bathing etc. The problems started when the baby was around year and a half and she was not able to nurture his developing separate personality beyond the physical care, and also was not able to be consistent and calm in setting appropriate limits. She became frustrated and abusive.

Second and third babies - same scenario - as long as they were 'little live dolls' to play with and dress up, all was ok. Again, at around 1.5 years, the disconnect started showing for both of them.

At one time, she called us exasperated from a restaurant. Her 3.5 yo and 1.5 yo at the time were fussy and miserable. She said: "I took them out to eat as a treat, and these children do not appreciate all that I do for them."   We were left speechless... . Today we laugh about it, but it shows you the disconnect. She was merely projecting her love of eating out on them and surprised at their lack of enthusiasm. 

In addition, she was often too preoccupied with her day-to-day dramas, and internet, and shopping to really "raise" them. They basically just grew and aged, cared for physically, but mentally and emotionally were left to themselves most of the time and/or witnessing verbally explosive fights between their parents... .

I love them dearly. It is very very difficult to watch  :'(. Compared to regular kids, they are way behind in social/emotional development. When they went to school their vocabulary and speech were very delayed too (thankfully they are bright and caught up in that and the older two are readers).

[lever.]

Yes, I do have a positive experience! My DD had a severe eating disorder, self harm frequent suicide attempts, long periods of in-patient treatment right through her late teens and early 20s. She has had three children in a short space of time and looks after them very well. She does a lot of activities with them. Her husband is supportive and looks after a lot of the practical things. Sadly she is currently very low contact with me  and she does have some residual difficulties but having the children has given her a sense of purpose.

[Rapt Reader]

That is so encouraging to hear, lever 

My non-BPD younger son is married to a woman who I believe is undiagnosed BPD, and after many years of marriage they had my first grandchild last year (yaaaay!). My Daughter-In-Law has been a wonderful mother to my grandchild, but I notice that she flusters a bit easily (as my son and she are "helicopter parents" I never really know if it's overprotectiveness or something else), and sometimes does take it personally when the baby doesn't react to her efforts to comfort him and then feels guilty that she is a "bad mother".

I'm hoping as time goes by she will be more relaxed about things, and am hoping that as the baby (who is now more of a toddler) gets more of a mind of his own, that she will roll with the punches and not get distressed over his separating his personality from hers. But my son is an excellent, doting, involved and equal-parenting father, so I have confidence he'll keep things going smoothly. Your post, lever, gives me hope that my confidence is not just a pipe dream   

[lindaura3]

I am wondering this also. My dd is 37 years and has been physically sick her entire life, but mentally ill these past seven years for certain and only diagnosed appropriately in the past few months.

She is terrific with animals, but lately has expressed a desire for children.  She has no social life and has not dated in seven years, but that does not mean she could not make a baby.

I was wondering if having a baby is settling for those with BPD - having someone to care for outside themselves, like the pets.

I also was wondering if it was possible to ADOPT a child as a single parent when you have a disorder like this.  The reason I ask is because the physical illness was exacerbated by a hereditary blood disease that she would like to avoid passing on and it is pretty much 100% inheritable.

What a life!

Thanks,

Lindaura

[lever.]

I think adoption might prove difficult, not sure about other places but in the UK the assessment process is extremely rigorous.

Whilst my DD is doing well with her children things aren't completely rosy. At the moment she is at odds with all family members and sometimes she is very emotional (angry++ and distressed)., but then people without BPD can also be like that.

I hope she continues to do as well when the children begin to assert more independence.

However I do think she has made wonderful progress since having the children and she does have the ability to focus on their needs, so I hope this gives hope to others.

[mggt]

Thank you all for your responses.  Dear Pessi, My d was 19 when she gave birth broke up with boyfriend babys father

now it is the constant looking for love in all the wrong places one new guy after the other and it never works out. Is your d still with husband and how old are the children now and did you have alot of contact with gc .  I babysit 3 days a week and see my d when she drops baby off two years old now . My d is here for two seconds and always complaining about someone or something I really dont think she is in the right frame of mind to be raising my gd.  The other grandparents and father have my gd just about every weekend so my d does have alot of help.  She is always so angry at life and me.  I just have real doubts about her and my gd is getting older and is smart as a whip .  Just not sure what to do if there is anything I could realistcly do except to out her with the BPD with courts and everyone else .  So mentally exhausting

[js friend]

On the whole mggt I would my dd having gd saved her life. She is more stable and not running around on the streets like she was before but I think she is still trawling online to meet someone. 8 weeks after she had gd she was planning to meet up with someone, and was inviting them round to where she and gd lived.

AS for looking after gd.  I would say that  r/s is very similar to the r/s she has with other people. Alot of it is based on how she is feeling towards gd and the world.

If dd is feeling in a good mood she will sing to her and take care of all her physical and emotional needs, but then when she is feeling down or emotional distanced the care for gd will often suffer too. She wont take care of her physical needs properly and she will  ignore  her and withold her affection from her.

She is always accusing gd of soing things to upset her. Some how gd should know how she is feeling and respond accordingly.This has been going on since gd was very tiny as dd would  accuse  gd of throw up her milk on purpose or being naughty or showing off.My dd hasnt got the emtional maturity to put a child first.

Last week I heard her tell gd to go and play because "I (dd ) need some me time"!. :'( and  Iam sure that she often sends gd off to play by herself quite a lot while she just lays around.

I often wonder what a life my gd will have with dd when she can turn her affection off and on towards her own child so easily

[swampped]

I've thought a great deal about your question, mggt.  Our ds and uBPD dil are divorced, and live 350 miles away, but we support them financially (a very long story), so have more contact via email, phone, skype and occasional visits that one might expect.  Our dil (I still don't think of her as "ex" has two children from a previous marriage who are now teenagers, and in the custody of their father.  She was older (about 37) when she had our gd5.  The marriage fell apart rapidly; but our ds has stayed close by, and sees gd5 weekly, when he brings money.  There were some very scary times when gd was an infant, as her mother was not well regulated, and in fact od'ed on at least one occasion.  Now, it seems she is doing much better, and I believe gd5 has a lot to do with that.  It seems as if, to this point, gd5 has given her mother a focus for her energy, and keeping up with her needs, her involvement in preschool, her education at home---all of these things have helped her mother to focus on things outside herself.  The little girl is a delight, and is very bright and seems happy as far as we can tell.   As others have mentioned, we have no idea what will happen as gd5 becomes more independent, but we pray that our dils increased age will help her manage her illness better.  I guess this is a mixed review in a way---for the first two children, things turned out better when their father took over.  For this one, many years later, mother seems to be doing better---at least at this time.

As you have learned from the replies so far, it is a very uncertain thing.  I have read on the survivors board some frightening stories of what children go through being raised by a BPD parent.  As a grandparent, I have found that options are limited, and keeping a relationship with dil, and through her, with our gd5 is for us of vital importance.  We can only pray that things turn out well for this dear little girl.    Swampped

[peaceplease]

My dd was very attentive when my gs was a baby.   She became neglectful when he was at toddler stage.  My dd has had other issues that interfered, too. ie drug addiction.  Now, she is in methadone treatment.

My dd would have much difficulty doing it on her own.  She shares custody 50/50 with her exNPDbf.  When it is my dd's week,  I have him half of the time.  My sister calls my dd a part time mom.  

My dd frequently has her friends over. That can't stand to be alone thing!  My gs complained that my dd will have him go to his room when she has company.  I told him to call me if that happens.  He has, and I went to pick him up.  I think that it is ridiculous to expect privacy when she has her son.  Her adult friends can come over when he is in bed.  He goes to bed early.  Anyways, my dd sees nothing wrong with this.  A battle, I don't choose to have.  

My dd always said that she only wanted to have one child.  I am glad that she does not want any more children.  Of course, I would feel differently, if the situation was not what it is.   My gs has two siblings.  None of them share the same mother.  I guess that is not so uncommon with this generation.  

His mother complains about his back talk.  I guess that she seems to forget how she talks to me in front of him.

My dd has a lot of help.  She is not raising child alone.  Although, she will whine that she is on facebook.  

We believe that my nephew's wife is a high functioning BPD.  And, she is a helicopter mom.  Her three year old is on the hyper side with some OCD traits, already.  My nephew's wife is high strung!  My sister thinks her DIL causes anxiety in her child.



I will say that my dd is great at working with my gs  on his homework.  Homework enforcement is not a strong area with his dad.  So, in that aspect I am proud of my dd.  My gs is a straight A student.  My dd  always struggled in school.  

[qcarolr]

The common thing I hear reading this thread is that children being raised in a household with BPD parent need lots of family support. Respite care might be a good way to describe this. Others involved in the family that are able to see the kids' needs and give help toward them getting met in some way. This can come from many different relationships in the kids' lives as they grow and mature.

It is so good to read all your stories about how you are able to interact with your families in so many different ways. So many big hearts here.

qcr

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[js friend]

yes qcarolr support  family support or support within the community is crucial when our pwBPDs raising a child.

Apart from the family who see dd and gd regularly My dd has a very good SW atm who has been trying  very hard recently to engage dd in activities within the community both for herself and gd like playgroups or short courses dd maybe interested in, and she is even working on buddying her up with another young mom to go to playgroups togther. 

dd's neighbours are all very good too.They know that she is generally on her own with gd and they all look out for them, but my dd views them with suspicion and sees them all as poking their noses into her business and she generally unfriendly towards them. She also has a few friends that try to keep intouch with her but this is often on dd's terms. Sometimes she will answer their calls other times not,... . bf is out of the picture... . this week anyway... . so dd is not going out or taking  gd out as much as when he is there which is naother thing that worries me.

We are all trying our best to support them as best we can, but dd deosnt see it that way and is isolating dd by her behaviour... . but what to do, what to do?... .

[pessim-optimist]

Is your d still with husband and how old are the children now and did you have alot of contact with gc.

Yes, they have been married for 14 years now. However, their relationship has been rocky. Verbal/emotional and even some physical violence going both ways, very dysfunctional.

I believe they are together for 3 reasons: she is scared that she couldn't make it without him (she can't hold a job), they don't believe that you can divorce unless there is adultery, and determined they will not do to their kids what their parents did (divorce)... . They don't see the disaster they put their kids through while married... .   :'(

He was in the military for 12 years - good income, lots of time apart, lots of moving (unfortunately, I think that my SD picked that as her favorite coping mechanism for when things fall apart).

The kids are now 12, 10 and 8.

We spent long periods of time close to them (6-9 months at a time) at 3 separate times to help her out. Other than that, we've been living in different states, only visiting, and during these times, the kids are pretty much kept away from us - there isn't much opportunity to talk to them on the phone etc. (I can only imagine what that does to them to have someone in their life and then have them repeatedly disappear... )

She is always so angry at life and me.  I just have real doubts about her and my gd is getting older and is smart as a whip .  Just not sure what to do if there is anything I could realistically do except to out her with the BPD with courts and everyone else . So mentally exhausting

It is so hard - having to think about choosing between your daughter and your granddaughter... .

In case you need to 'out her' in the future, you might want to document all that has been happening. If things can remain fairly stable for gd, and you can stay in her life as a supportive force, you might want to read some books on how to best support her (if you look in the Book Reviews, there are several books that are helpful to children of pwBPD, or us helping them understand and cope with their BPD parent. This one may be best for a fairly little chid: An Umbrella for Alex).

[mggt]

Dear pessi, I am sorry you do not see your gc .  Not sure what I am going to do , I have been saying this for months

You see i have serious doubts about my dd her moods anger and how it will affect my gd now and later some of the

storys I read about children growing up with BPD moms is so awful .  I just know I am constantly sick to my stomach with

worry for my gd and dd my d does not have any common sense she lives dangerously that is the whole problem no

common sense with bps some of the things she says to me I cant believe it .  Acts like she is five years old and yet she

is a mom .  I keep thinking and hoping she will change but I know she cant   .  So I live in constant fear what will happen

next with her or my gd when the phone rings or my dh gets a text from her .  Im sure you know how we feel .  I wish

sometimes I could take my brain out and not think about it anymore cant sleep lost alot of weight and just want

some peace in my brain to stop thinking about my dd.  One day at a time I guess thanks again

[parent of bpd daughter]

My BPDD is 33yo and gay. Her and her partner had a child via artificial insemination - her partner carried the child. I was very much against this given that both of them are both BPD - although not open about it.

They insisted on natural childbirth and mother (daughter's partner) nearly died as did baby because she refused C-section. I only know about this from consulting with hospital after 2nd day of labor - I was not told anything by BPDD.

Baby is now 3 months old - My BPDD had a recurrence of her drinking problem few weeks ago due to "stress" I guess - who knows. She had a seizure - taken by ambulance to ER.

Baby seems healthy, seems to be well cared for. I fear as others state, once the child develops a personality of it's own - it will not be well received as BPDD and partner obviously see the child as extension of themselves - so much so that clothing for the baby can only be chosen by them and the child is dressed in male clothing only although it is a girl. This seems trivial enough for most folks, but for those on BPD/NPD spectrum raises red flag - will the child be allowed to develop a separate personality of it's own - or forced to become enmeshed as extension of parents?

I personally think it is completely irresponsible of the medical and mental health community to not AT LEAST - AT A MINIMUM warn these BPD parents of possible bad outcomes when considering child rearing. We get warned if we have Breast Cancer gene or diabetes - why not warn all potential mothers if mental illness is present?

Sure would have prevented my birth if my mother had heeded this warning and a whole lot of suffering and intergenerational mental illness as well.

Bottom line - baby is well cared for physically so far - emotionally remains to be seen - with 1 Trip to ER for alcohol induced seizure already - doesn't bode well for future.

Family support DEFINITELY needed for healthy outcome - but with BPDD - she refuses Family 90% of the time -so it's impossible to help UNTIL there is a crisis.

[pessim-optimist]

Not sure what I am going to do... .   I just know I am constantly sick to my stomach with worry for my gd and dd... .   ... . So I live in constant fear what will happen next... .   One day at a time I guess thanks again

I do know how that feels... . And the stress can be really overwhelming, and dangerous to your health.

Interestingly, after I read extensively about BPD and then also other books, I realized how much I was taking up on myself of what didn't really belong to me. Being worried and stressed about things that I cannot control, and things that although close to my heart, are not really my responsibility. The book Boundaries was a big eye-opener in that for me... .

After that, the issues did not go away by any means. Yet, I was able to look at them from a different angle and see solutions that I did not see before:

Mainly that prayer about having the wisdom to know what I can change and having the courage to act, having the wisdom to know what I can't change and let go of that, and having the wisdom to know the difference, - that is key to my approach.

I started separating the issues in my mind: Is this my responsibility, is this in my control? Can I do something about this? If not, I try to let go. Worrying about it will not help anyone. If yes, I figure out what it is I can do, get ready for that, and also let go.

It gave me more peace. That frustration and stress of not knowing what to do, and feeling responsible for things I could not influence has largely gone away. Except for those issues I haven't figured out yet. Those are still stressful and frustrating... .

I personally think it is completely irresponsible of the medical and mental health community to not AT LEAST - AT A MINIMUM warn these BPD parents of possible bad outcomes when considering child rearing. We get warned if we have Breast Cancer gene or diabetes - why not warn all potential mothers if mental illness is present?

I think it is a bit of a Catch-22 with this issue. I suspect that unless it is a patient who is very self-aware, and working hard on recovery, they would feel insulted and go ahead having a child anyway... . And those, who are working hard in therapy actually have a good chance of becoming healthy and then being a good parent.

[Pizzas123]

This post very much interested me, as my BPDdaughter, who is 30, is now pregnant. She is separated from her husband, the father.  He pressured her to no end to abort, which she could not bring herself to do.  I admire her for that, and that she held firm under intense adversity against her to give this child life.  But at the same time, I am terrified for this baby.  My daughter doesn't seem up to the task of raising a child in any way.  We just returned from a week long vacation with her.  I tried to talk about the baby (she's now 4 months along), and pointed out different little ones on the beach, but she seemed so uninterested.  I finally asked her if she's really very much into this baby, and she just said she has a lot of worries with her current situation, which I admit is really bad.  (Most of it her own doing).  I will say that she has given up the drugs and alcohol now that she's expecting, and it has made a very big difference in her demeanor.  I think those things excellerate the BPD big time, at least they do for her.

In any case, of course we will be involved grandparents, as much as we can, but what a worry.  I have anxiety over this every day.  I hope it will be a positive thing in my daughter's life, as it has been for some of your children.  We shall see.

[Stella1425]

I always thought my daughter was doing ok with our GS6. She divorced her diagnosed ND husband 2 years ago.  Recently after I told her a few things GS was saying happened at daddy's, she reacted inappropriately in my opinion. He's told us a few things and she says he doesn't tell her. Also he got in our car and started reading. We asked how thrilled mommy is to hear you read and he said he hadn't read to her. He says mommy is grumpy. I think she's not approachable by him now that he is older. I'm guessing she does the things she wants with him, but not the things he needs. He is the most easy going lovable child and she knows it and has said how lucky she is. So I guess I would say as a baby I think she did fine. Now I think as a single dating mom she drinks more which doesn't help. He is not allowed to see his dad right now because of a bad parenting choice that dad made as an alcoholic. We'll see how long that lasts. Hang in there and be there for your GC. However, it is their child and their responsibility  if they are able to raise it.