Cheater

[refusetosuccumb]

I am pretty sure I am leaving.

Long story short stbx and I married for 11yrs together for 16yrs. Two kids (10 & 7)

I have supported him through drug addiction and alcohol addiction. Women are his new addiction. He left last year and moved in with a woman. Lasted 2 months, came back begging for another chance. Gave him another chance in Aug 2013.

Two weeks ago I found out hes been trying to hook up with at leadt 6 different women sincecwe got back together last year.

He claims its my fault. If I wasnt so stressed and more affectionate, he wouldnt try to cheat. If I wouldnt have been so nosey to look at his facebook I wouldnt have gotten hurt. No "i shouldnt have done that" justjustification why this isnt his fault.

I love him but I hate him. I love me and the kids more. I told him we were over. He doesnt believe me since Ive put up with so much over the years.

Butca wife can only take so much. I have to be firm and strong. Fool me once... .

[seeking balance]

He claims its my fault. If I wasnt so stressed and more affectionate, he wouldnt try to cheat. If I wouldnt have been so nosey to look at his facebook I wouldnt have gotten hurt. No "i shouldnt have done that" justjustification why this isnt his fault.

I remember being blamed for the cheating too - it is infuriating, yet that alone was not enough to be quite "done" for me.

I remember when I knew I was done, it just was.  Choosing a path (look to the right), can you take some space for yourself to really get some balance for you?  Do you happen to have a T of your own right now?

I am sorry you are in this place - it is difficult to be undecided... . working through the steps honestly really does help.

Peace,

SB

[nownotsure]

He claims its my fault. If I wasnt so stressed and more affectionate, he wouldnt try to cheat. If I wouldnt have been so nosey to look at his facebook I wouldnt have gotten hurt.

Nice double-whammy, and there's nothing quite like being blamed for someone else's bad choices in life. Even if you've been stressed out and not as affectionate as he would like, that's not grounds for him going and having an affair. Also, this can't be a healthy environment for your children.

It sounds like your husband has been willing in the past to get help for his drug and alcohol addiction. Is there a possibility of him being willing to seek professional help this time? If so, maybe family counselling would be of some benefit as well. If not, then you need to consider what's best for both yourself and your children. Either way, it's not an easy decision to make.

[refusetosuccumb]

He refused to seek actual help to get clean. Hes been "dry" for year but only because it was part of the reason I kicked him out last year.

I have decided that we need to seperate. The kids need one healthy parent at least. He is agreeable now to seperating. I wonder, deep down, if this is what he wants but wont pull the trigger of our marriage himself. I hope he gets help for him and the kids sake. I will always be tied to him through them.

[seeking balance]

He refused to seek actual help to get clean. Hes been "dry" for year but only because it was part of the reason I kicked him out last year.

I have decided that we need to seperate. The kids need one healthy parent at least. He is agreeable now to seperating. I wonder, deep down, if this is what he wants but wont pull the trigger of our marriage himself. I hope he gets help for him and the kids sake. I will always be tied to him through them.

Do you have a T for you?

I suggest you pick up Splitting by Bill Eddy if you do have any intents of divorcing - will give you some practical advice in a High Conflict Situation.

Take good care of you.

[refusetosuccumb]

Yes I have a wonderful T that I see as needed. Some months it every week and sometimes its once a month. Ive also had the kids in therapy.

It dawned on me that the reason we need therapy is him. And everyone BUT him is addressing it.

[MissyM]

Yeah, my dBPDh switched from drugs to hookers.  He is in treatment for sex addiction, apparently this is really common for BPDs to switch like this.  I am so sorry!  The best place I have found for support is Alanon and COSA (for spouses of sex addicts).   Although most of them don't have an addict that threatens them, like my dBPDh does.  Having the support IRL to help me focus on myself, has been invaluable.

[refusetosuccumb]

I need be away from him, for my own sanity.

I need to figure out why I try to fix people. My career is as a "fixer" but as my T tells me, I need to stop picking partners as projects. My exbf before him (highschool sweetheart) was very similar.  I apparently learn slow.