Constructive advice for today's drama...

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hello All, I am hopeful someone will have words of wisdom for how I could've handled a conversation with my BP today.

Today, I went to get my car serviced as a light was on. We have plans to spend time together "as a family" tonight and were going to discuss. I'll be picking up my daughter from school before we get together. I let him know that I'd asked the car guy what my car might need, what it would cost and what the "worst case" servicing time was like.  The guy told me less than 2 hours so I handed over my key and went to the waiting room, I called my BP to talk about dinner (per his request) while I was waiting.

The conversation became tense, though I was trying to see it without emotion, so my notes below are trying to remove the emotion as well... . except my own. My BD wanted to know why I had taken the car in when we had plans later. I told him I checked with the people in charge and was confident that there wouldn't be a timing problem. He wanted to exactly what was wrong. I advised that I didn't know just yet. I had questioned if there was Routine maintenance due and there was not, the car guy told me the light could just be that an oil change was needed but they were doing an inspection to determine if there was anything else. My BP told that meant I didn't know how long it would take and if I was delayed it could ruin the whole night. I tried to be relaxed about it and told him again that I had checked.  He told me, again, that I didn't know and it was setting us up for disaster... . He asked what if it needs more that just an oil change.  I told him that if that was the case I'd find out how long the repair would take and determine if to do it now or later. It was at this point that I was frustrated and let a note of tension get into my response... . through gritted teeth I told him that I checked and believed there wouldn't be a problem and hoped that he would trust that I could determine the right course of action. 

   *I see this as my big mistake in the conversation. Thoughts?

After this we went on to talk about unhappy with how things we both currently are etc.  We had a stressful situation last Sunday (which prompted my joining and reaching out to the bpdfamily!) followed by a personally awful week of sleep for me.  Mon & Tues I was inconsolably sad about the struggles, which I know had a negative affect on his working to be more kind/positive.  He wanted to know why I was so emotional during that time.  I mentioned that one of the things that hurts me is that I'll say or text him information about how I feel, slept or update him on how the day is going etc. and the responses I receive back don't actually respond to what I communicated.  He may just respond with what's going on with him - I realize he's not intentionally not acknowledging me and I said that also, but it was too late to be received... .   This quickly moved to a conversation about how we don't give compliments to each other anymore (this is not true, but I acknowledged that we could and are trying be more supportive and complimentary) and that I never give him any positive feedback, I only criticize him... . sigh. 

   *I didn't know where to go on this... . I feel like he put me in a no win situation. He asked me why I was sad, however when I explained my own feelings, he was hurt. He felt that I am being critical of him, that I'm always that way now and that I'm not capable of improving my part of our interactions. 

   *Should I not have told him about feeling unacknowledged? Been untruthful or less truthful so that it didn't sound negative?

   *To me (lacking perspective) it feels like more of the attempts I've been making up to now by choosing to keep my mouth shut and not say anything potentially negative. Which has not been effective in avoiding conflicts anyway.  Am I looking at it wrong? 

Thank you for your perspectives!

[KQuestionsItAll]

Hello All, I am hopeful someone will have words of wisdom for how I could've handled a conversation with my BP today.

Today, I went to get my car serviced as a light was on. We have plans to spend time together "as a family" tonight and were going to discuss. I'll be picking up my daughter from school before we get together. I let him know that I'd asked the car guy what my car might need, what it would cost and what the "worst case" servicing time was like.  The guy told me less than 2 hours so I handed over my key and went to the waiting room, I called my BP to talk about dinner (per his request) while I was waiting.

The conversation became tense, though I was trying to see it without emotion, so my notes below are trying to remove the emotion as well... . except my own. My BD wanted to know why I had taken the car in when we had plans later. I told him I checked with the people in charge and was confident that there wouldn't be a timing problem. He wanted to exactly what was wrong. I advised that I didn't know just yet. I had questioned if there was Routine maintenance due and there was not, the car guy told me the light could just be that an oil change was needed but they were doing an inspection to determine if there was anything else. My BP told that meant I didn't know how long it would take and if I was delayed it could ruin the whole night. I tried to be relaxed about it and told him again that I had checked.  He told me, again, that I didn't know and it was setting us up for disaster... . He asked what if it needs more that just an oil change.  I told him that if that was the case I'd find out how long the repair would take and determine if to do it now or later. It was at this point that I was frustrated and let a note of tension get into my response... . through gritted teeth I told him that I checked and believed there wouldn't be a problem and hoped that he would trust that I could determine the right course of action. 

   *I see this as my big mistake in the conversation. Thoughts?

After this we went on to talk about unhappy with how things we both currently are etc.  We had a stressful situation last Sunday (which prompted my joining and reaching out to the bpdfamily!) followed by a personally awful week of sleep for me.  Mon & Tues I was inconsolably sad about the struggles, which I know had a negative affect on his working to be more kind/positive.  He wanted to know why I was so emotional during that time.  I mentioned that one of the things that hurts me is that I'll say or text him information about how I feel, slept or update him on how the day is going etc. and the responses I receive back don't actually respond to what I communicated.  He may just respond with what's going on with him - I realize he's not intentionally not acknowledging me and I said that also, but it was too late to be received... .   This quickly moved to a conversation about how we don't give compliments to each other anymore (this is not true, but I acknowledged that we could and are trying be more supportive and complimentary) and that I never give him any positive feedback, I only criticize him... . sigh. 

   *I didn't know where to go on this... . I feel like he put me in a no win situation. He asked me why I was sad, however when I explained my own feelings, he was hurt. He felt that I am being critical of him, that I'm always that way now and that I'm not capable of improving my part of our interactions. 

   *Should I not have told him about feeling unacknowledged? Been untruthful or less truthful so that it didn't sound negative?

   *To me (lacking perspective) it feels like more of the attempts I've been making up to now by choosing to keep my mouth shut and not say anything potentially negative. Which has not been effective in avoiding conflicts anyway.  Am I looking at it wrong? 

Thank you for your perspectives!

[maxsterling]

Dealing with a person with BPD is exhausting by nature.  By the nature of your post, I can surmise that you want to work on ways of communicating better with him.  But before you can do that, it takes some knowledge of BPD and how he views the world.

A couple of things about your post struck me - the "no win" situation.  Bingo.  That's the way dealing with a pwBPD typically feels.  No answer is the "right" answer.  No response will soothe him.  That's all typical.  He has a strong emotion about something, and he interprets or misreads your words in order to support the emotion he has.  Your goal is to validate that he is upset, state what you want, and leave it at that.  If he continues to be upset - that's his problem.  The more you justify, defend or explain, the more he feeds that into his distorted view, and the more he gets upset.  And next thing you know, you are in a conversation that lasts hours until you are both hurt.  You know what reality is. State it,  state what you want, and then move on whether he wants to or not.

"Sweety, the car had a problem today, so I took it in as to avoid potential further damage.  I will let you know when they are done."  Of course, he will blame you, and you can say "I'm sorry that our plans for tonight may be cancelled and that you feel upset about that, but there is nothing I can do about that right now."  After that, you have told him all he needs to know, and if he is upset, that's his problem - you can't fix that no matter what you say or do.

A second thing I noticed - people with BPD tend to have big problems with open ended plans or indefinite answers.  They spend a whole bunch of time trying to figure out the future as to ease their anxiety.  If you can't tell them exactly when you will be somewhere or exactly when something will happen, they are uncomfortable until they eventually crack.  I've seen this over and over with my girlfriend.  She's completely incapable of being happy today, so she wants the future to happen RIGHT NOW.   That's the same in your story - because the plans suddenly changed and now he doesn't know what he is doing tonight, his anxiety went through the roof and he blew up. 

You may want to check out these workshops on communication with a pwBPD:

TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth

How to stop circular arguments

Both have been useful to me.