Preparing kids to learn some harsh truths...

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

DSD16 is about to learn some harsh truths about her BPD mom.  While I am sure DSD has an inkling of something not being right with her BPD mom, I don’t think she really understands how vicious things have gotten.  Her BPD mom is an expert at playing the victim and manipulating the situation with the kids and other adults.  So much so that she convinced the GAL in our case that DH was dangerous to DSD, so he has fought tooth and nail to protect DSD from my DH.  No outcry from DSD.  No investigation.  Just an emotional plea from a BPD waif. 

The reunification therapist has decided that she needs to let DSD know the false allegations that have fueled this 4 year court battle, and with that, DSD may have to face that her BPD  mom is not the victim she believed her to be (and maybe with that she will realize that DH is not the perpetrator she believed him to be).

I have no idea what to expect from her when she is told these things.  I am worried about how she will take it.  She has gone through great lengths to protect her BPD mom through the years, but I don’t think she would go so far as to say that DH abused her to protect BPD mom.  Have any of you had to let kids know about significant things that could really rock’one’s world?  What was the reaction?  How do we support her?

[sanemom]

DSD16 is about to learn some harsh truths about her BPD mom.  While I am sure DSD has an inkling of something not being right with her BPD mom, I don’t think she really understands how vicious things have gotten.  Her BPD mom is an expert at playing the victim and manipulating the situation with the kids and other adults.  So much so that she convinced the GAL in our case that DH was dangerous to DSD, so he has fought tooth and nail to protect DSD from my DH.  No outcry from DSD.  No investigation.  Just an emotional plea from a BPD waif. 

The reunification therapist has decided that she needs to let DSD know the false allegations that have fueled this 4 year court battle, and with that, DSD may have to face that her BPD  mom is not the victim she believed her to be (and maybe with that she will realize that DH is not the perpetrator she believed him to be).

I have no idea what to expect from her when she is told these things.  I am worried about how she will take it.  She has gone through great lengths to protect her BPD mom through the years, but I don’t think she would go so far as to say that DH abused her to protect BPD mom.  Have any of you had to let kids know about significant things that could really rock’one’s world?  What was the reaction?  How do we support her?

[Nope]

My DF only sees the kids a few times a year. So it was really tough for him when they came in for one visit and they had a step mother (who the kids had knowsixteenree years) and then they came in for the next visit and he was divorced. He and I had just started dating at that point but he told me it was the hardest conversation he'd ever had to have with them. They were both visibly upset. The oldest had been five when he and his ex started dating. So even though they didn't see much of her, she was the only relationship their father had that they could remember.

My DF flubbed it horribly. But in doing so, lessons were learned. The single most important thing you can do is make sure the child understands that if they want to talk you will be ready to listen. And that absolutely no question they ask will be off-limits. (But you can set the boundary that there may be some things you can't answer.) Unfortunately, in your case her main parent-child relationship is with her mother so she is more likely to seek answers privately with the last person who will ever be honest with her.

The good news is that she is older. My DF had to break something to his kids at a time when their primary relationships were with their adult caretakers. At sixteen she has friends and crushes and highschool and other activities. In two years she'll be an adult. So there isn't the same kind of investment in this news as there would have been four years ago.

Some day, when she is in her 30's or so, if she ends up in a more emotionally healthy place, you can expect this conversation to come up again with a whole different tone. Because that's the thing about kids; they grow up. Parents will eventually be made to reap what they sow.

[PinkieV]

My SS13 is figuring it out on his own with his counselor, for the most part.  But last night we were all in the kitchen talking and I just asked "are you nervous about your mom getting out of jail?" And he said yes. We live two states away and there's been very limited contact for 7 1/2 months. We're expecting a deluge of calls. So DH asked what SS thought was an appropriate amount of calls per week and he said one or two.  So he's setting boundaries on his own. We also told him he's old enough to start establishing boundaries with BM to help him realize he has some control of the situation. I think that's the worst thing for these kids - no control. So if you can help your DSD realize she has choices and can be in control, it may help. It will be a very hard time for her, but hopefully she will come out stronger. I told my SS that he may have had a harder start in life, but that I don't worry about him growing up because the hard things make you a stronger person.

[DreamGirl]

The reunification therapist has decided that she needs to let DSD know the false allegations that have fueled this 4 year court battle, and with that, DSD may have to face that her BPD  mom is not the victim she believed her to be (and maybe with that she will realize that DH is not the perpetrator she believed him to be).

In what ways does the therapist believe this will benefit SD?