The Death of a Relationship

[DB33]

I have been out a week now and it's a mixed bag. Relief, optimism, sadness, loneliness, heartache, joy etc. I thought I had myself well prepared for this after over 3 years and many breakups. But I am still hurting nontheless. I am being overcome by memories.

We started with shared hopes and dreams and made plans and had goals. It was a year before I was told about her BPD. I knew something was amiss but I didn't want to acknowledge it. She was 20 years younger and wow she was the most beautiful, mysterious incredible woman I had ever met. And those EYES! I commented to friends that I had never had anyone look at me like that! With incredible intensity and passion. Lust, love, wonder... . there was a whole universe to explore in those eyes, and I was captain of the ship... .

As I am writing this she just sent me a text: " Ready Spagetti?"

I was supposed to move out at the end of this month. She got angry and locked me out. I retrieved some of my things mid week but it was bad, police involvement etc. But this morning she sent me a text saying she wasn't mad anymore and forgave me.  Told me I could come get the last of my things. She is moving out of town.

"Ready Spagetti?"

Yes I am ready. Say a prayer. My heart is breaking, clouds are rolling in.

I just got back. I lingered. I didn't take much. I hugged her dog good bye. I talked about nonsensical things. I lingered some more. She sat on her couch texting and smiling at something she read. 3 1/2 years and it was only the first 6 months that I had her undying attention. After that her phone got precedent over everything at all times. She retreated into her electronic world. I wonder who she was in there. I wonder who she is out here. I stand there and watch her. She is beautiful. I still want her. I want so badly for her to smile at me, put her arms around me, lay her head on my chest.

But that is over. I linger more. It is starting to feel uncomfortable. I don't want to go. I know I must. I know when I walk out the door I won't be returning. I am willing myself to go. I want to sit down with her and talk. Say all the things that have been playing in my head non-stop. I want to have this closure everyone on here is talking about. But she wants me to go, I can feel it. I know she doesn't want to talk about it. My resolve rematerializes. I tell her I am done and I am going. She walks me to the door so she can lock it behind me. I want to hug her one last time, my heart is pounding.  She senses that and steps back. I tell her I am sorry. I say good bye and step out into the rain.

I have lost so much.

[Waifed]

So sorry for your pain. It is so heartbreaking. The illness is about as bad as it can get when it comes to relationships. The only thing you can do is walk away and go NC. You will be much happier in the long run.

We have a similar story. My ex was 17 years younger than me and to me was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. After 3 years I ended up where you are now. I left but it was out of necessity. She became very hot and cold like you just described.  Aher fear of abandonment was so strong in the end that she was no longer the person I thought I knew. After 7 months of NC I am doing much better and you will too. I can feel the pain in your post. Hang in there and remember that even though it feels like the pain will never stop, it does.