Should I contact my daughter?

[jeb]

It has been 2 weeks since I have had contact with my dd & am wondering since her exams finish today if I might text her a message to her cell phone like "Hope your exams went OK" ; no point in saying "well" because according to her they never go "well".  I suppose if she replies then maybe I can engage with Ms. Jekyll and try to avoid eliciting "Ms Hyde".  I have been going through the lessons and watching videos and listening to podcasts and have ordered the book "How not to walk on Eggshells" but since I have some borderline traits (fear of abandonment and impulse control issues sometimes) maybe I should do as I originally texted her with the message that I will be happy to hear from her when she is ready.  One thing I do know for sure. If she gets angry with her father (my ex) then she will turn back to me. This flip-flopping back & forth has been going for it feels like forever.  What do people think? Make contact or let it be and just keep hoping that one day she will want me as her mother again.  She has a stepmother as my ex remarried last year and my dd thinks this woman walks on water.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[jellibeans]

Jeb

I am glad you found your way to the board... . I think you should go with what your gut tells you to do... . 2 weeks is not a long time but I do think the longer things go the hardest it is sometimes to reconnect... . I don't see any harm in a little text but I don't know your dd... . hang in there

[qcarolr]

Sometimes it helps to make a casual contact like you describe, and then try to let go of any expectations about the response. With my DD27 over past 5 years of in/out relationship the reply has really varied. It is hard to let go of expectations. When I can, I feel better for having reached out. Accept her reply is out of my control and so dependent on her state of being at the time -- also out of my control.

qcr

[jeb]

Thanks to those of you who responded to whether I should contact her.  So far I have sent her some text messages; one in particular about a family member with severe anorexia and she was interested to hear about the clinical study this member will be in so there has been a bit of reciprocity on her part.  I reached out again today and was empathetic about her trying to find a job and if there was any way I could help to let me know.  By listening to the advice on this site I am beginning to accept that I have no control over if and when she responds and as long as we are on this dry spell, I am thinking that I will send her the occasional brief message just to show her that I am thinking about her. I hope that is a good idea.

But I will keep reminding myself that I am not in control of her behaviour. Am currently reading the "How not to walk on eggshells" book and will probably soon order the "Overcoming BPD" by Valerie Porr and am girding my strength for Mother's Day which has always been spent with both kids and before that my mother and father as well, when they were alive, but in all probability I will only see my nonBPD son that day. I will be grateful for that much.

[jellibeans]

Jeb

I think that is a good plan especially since she hasn't repsonded with anger etc... . I could see her coming back at a later date if you didn't try to keep the communications open and saying you didn't care fore her or you would have texted! Sometimes you just can't win... . I think giving her some time a space is good... . I do hope you have a good mother's day... . any holiday around here can be stressful.

[mom2bpd]

My d who is 32 stopped all communication w her dad and I around the same date as your d.  I've tried to reach out like u by text and also tried email and calling w no response.  I've left goodies including an Easter basket 4 her and husband as well as one 4 my granddaughter.  I have received no thanks but no angry messages either.  I'm most upset about not seeing my granddaughter because she has no choice in the matter and has always been close to us. 

Is this the best thing to do is try to reach out and expect nothing?  Our d has never gone no contact w us before.  She and her spouse had a big blowup w us over taxes right before she stopped responding.  We conceded to their demands and all hugged at the end of a lengthy discussion but still no contact.

I'm heartbroken over not seeing granddaughter and daughter. Pray for us all and thank God for my good therapist.

[parent of bpd daughter]

Hi mom2BPD,

I am sorry you have to be here and are going through this too. So many times I have been in your shoes wondering should I ? or shouldn't I? contact,

or visit, or write, or send money or send birthday card or whatever...

We twist ourselves up into pretzels trying to figure out how to parent these kids and in the end we're left with same as we started - a mentally ill child to parent.

My therapist gave me good advice last I was in this contact or no contact dilemma - she said ":)o what makes YOU feel best" your BPDD will be unhappy and miserable no matter what YOU do - so do what YOU feel good doing at the end of the day.

So that's what I do now - if I feel like contacting - I do - if not, I don't. She remains mentally ill no matter what I do - so figuring out what's best for THEM is like trying to make a blind person see. Do what's best for YOU!

[qcarolr]

My therapist gave me good advice last I was in this contact or no contact dilemma - she said ":)o what makes YOU feel best" your BPDD will be unhappy and miserable no matter what YOU do - so do what YOU feel good doing at the end of the day.

So that's what I do now - if I feel like contacting - I do - if not, I don't. She remains mentally ill no matter what I do - so figuring out what's best for THEM is like trying to make a blind person see. Do what's best for YOU!

This is awesome advice. I might just write this on a 3x5 to add to my collection I carry with me for when I need strength in my r/s with DD27.

qcr

[SCM]

I know that feeling quite well. My daughter has stopped all communication with me and my son for 18 months now. I feel like her husband and children  have been kidnapped by my daughter and she does not allow them to contact me.

Today I sent her an Easter greeting in hopes she'll receive it and will not send it back unopened. Don't know what else to do to re establish communication except pray, pray and pray.

[chooselove]

It is different for every one.  My friend's daughter went no contact and has remained so for years despite their attempts to reach out.

First time my uBPD daughter went no contact I fell to pieces and was determined to prove to her how much I cared with my emails, phone messages and texts,  2nd time hurt like heck, too, and I fell into going after her again.  Third, fourth and fifth time, I still tried to reach out to her.   These days when she goes no contact, I enjoy the peace and tranquility, while still missing her and praying for her every day, but I no longer text, call or email her during those times.  When she reconnects again I am as neutral as if we had talked the day before, but she's never lasted more than a month.  I think it has changed things for the better to not have me pursuing her.   But it's different for everyone. I have just found what works best for us.   She really enjoyed seeing the no contact tear me to pieces so she would stay gone longer and threaten no contact more often when I showed her it mattered to me.

[chooselove]

Clarification: When I say she's never lasted more than a month, I mean she has not yet been able to stay out of contact with us for any longer than a month, sometimes only a week, before she starts looking for a way back in.  And those ways back in are very interesting. They range from super nice and sweet, as if we are being courted, to a full on rage over the phone to save face for having left and covering her embarrassment for wanting back in touch.  Sometimes she just shows up, hardly talks except to ask if we have anything to eat while she takes the temperature of our moods.   I get the feeling she is dying for us to ask her where she's been.  I no longer do that and within a few days she starts sharing about her whereabouts on her own.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[mom2bpd]

I also like the therapist advice to do what makes u feel good because the BPD is going to still be mentally ill no matter what we do.  I'm trying to follow this advice.  I did hear from her this weekend after leaving Easter basket s for all.  I actually received a thank you text!  I was shocked and happy.  I received 4 emails from her yesterday concerning my granddaughters bday tomorrow.  Still haven't seen my daughter or granddaughter for 6 weeks but at least we are making some contact now. Trying to arrange a get together to see granddaughter for birthday this weekend.

[qcarolr]

mom2BPD - hope the bday gathering works out well with gd.

qcr

[mom2bpd]

 :'(Sad to say, the birthday gathering is not working out.  The uBPD has decided that THEY are not ready to see us yet after their angry display 6 weeks ago!  What this really means is that her HUSBAND is not ready to see us yet, and she's dumb enough to let him make all the decisions.  At least my D, the uBPD, was nice enough to say that she realized that this decision would be hard for me to understand.  It is heartbreaking indeed to not see my little angel GD for her birthday because her mother is the only one with feelings.  I don't even know how to reply to the email and can't reply until I calm down.  It makes me so angry that all I can do is cry this afternoon.  I had to take off work after reading this email at 11 am!  I've tried everything to  be patient with our uBPD, but nothing works with her and her nutty husband.  I'm so tired of even trying and I know in my heart, that if not for my GD, I'd have given up long ago.  I took a small artsy gift to my GD's school and dropped it off.  My D is a teacher there so I was worried about asking to see her so I didn't.  At least I know that GD will get the gift and know that it's from us.  How should I respond?

[jellibeans]

Dear mom2BPD

I think the only way you can respond is say that your understand and your respect their decision and that you will be here waiting when they feel ready... . not sure waht else you can say other than you miss them dearly and hope that GD has a wonderful bday... .

give it time and put some distance between you... . I can't even imagine how hurt you must be... . I am truly sorry for that but I would not let that slip into the reply... . I kind of feel if they know they can hurt you in this way they will just continue to do so... . I think a more detached approach would be best.

[mom2bpd]

 jellibeans, thanks so much for your reply.  I will take your advice even though it is very difficult to reply without saying how hurt I am.  This time last year our GD was living with us and her mother was in another country, totally unconcerned about any of us!  I went to her school to eat with her and then threw her a very nice birthday tea party on the weekend.  Our GD was thrilled and now this year, I don't even get to see her... . go figure... . nothing is rational in the land of OZ, right?  Thanks for your advise.  I also attend al-anon so I'm going to speak with my al-anon sponsor about all this.  So nice that I have the support of this message board, friends, and my sponsor.  I know that I can handle this disease with all the support that I have.

[mom2bpd]

 :'(  I would like to ask to skype with my GD but should I go there in my reply?

[mama72]

I am no expert, mom2BPD, but in my experience, if I confront my dd when I am angry or hurt, the conversation is not very productive. I am starting to use the skills learned here and in Porr's book, but it is slow going. Do you think it would be better to wait to confront her when emotions are not so high?

Living with a pwBPD, it seems as though there is never a time when emotions are not so high, am I right? 

I am so sorry you are going through this. It never seems like those we love with BPD can hurt us any worse, but then they find a way.

Do you guys normally Skype? I know the facial expressions and the interpretation of them, can set the pwBPD off. My dd and I seem to get along better with texting.

Keep us posted and God Bless.

[jellibeans]

I don't think asking for some time to sykpe with your gd too much... . as long as you go in with no expectations... . that might be hard. I would validate first then add that at the end and see where it goes... . seems to be a real power struggle regarding your gd... . I think you should focus on how to reduce that... . your dd and her H  seem to be using her in the power struggle... . maybe if you found a way to make them feel secure in their parenting and that you are not looking at taking gd away from them they would allow you more access... .

[mom2bpd]

   Thanks for your replies.  I will ask for some time to skype, and we'll see how that goes.  I think she'll say no and even though I dropped off a gift at her school earlier today, I heard nothing from my DD after that.  Not even a little thank you probably because my DD didn't get what she wanted.  I dropped off a small artsy gift and my DD wanted me to purchase a $50 fancy desk lamp for a desk my GD doesn't have yet!  Anyway, I suppose I should order the desk lamp and bring it over when it comes, but it seems a lot to spend when I get nothing I want out of this.  This could be the only reason that she started acting nice again was so she could get this lamp that most likely her H wants because he has problems with his eyes. 

jellibeans, u r probably right about them not feeling confident as parents and that's because they are both horribly selfish so how can 2 selfish adults parent any child.  I don't know how to make them feel more confident as parents or why they are using her in the power struggle.  I have not said anything to make them think that I think they are bad parents. 

How could I make them feel there is no competition to be parents of my GD?  I've told my DD before that I just want to be a Grandma not a Mom to GD.

Doesn't seem to matter what we do, they find a reason to punish us.

[mom2bpd]

Well I replied as jellibeans recommended in a very detached manner... respect your decision, we are here when you are ready... could we skype.  After having a very sad day yesterday and not hearing a word back from uBPD, I did finally get a call from GD today thanking me for her gift.  I had to text DD asking if she received the gift at her school, but at least something came of it.  GD told me she was about to eat her birthday cake even though yesterday was her b-day.  I knew I was probably on speaker phone so I didn't say well we wish we could eat some with you but we weren't invited.  Instead I said eat a piece for me, I hope it's good, we love you.  It was good to hear her cute little voice but also sad because I haven't seen her in so long.  :'(

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[jellibeans]

Well it was a small step forward. I am glad you got to talk with her and it sounded like she was happy. Maybe this opened the door a crack.

[Rapt Reader]

GD told me she was about to eat her birthday cake even though yesterday was her b-day.  I knew I was probably on speaker phone so I didn't say well we wish we could eat some with you but we weren't invited.  Instead I said eat a piece for me, I hope it's good, we love you.

Good job using WiseMind, mom2BPD  

You headed off a bad situation, not only because you were on speaker phone and your daughter would've hit the roof, but also because you would have put your granddaughter in the middle of it, and making her part of something she shouldn't have to deal with... . You made the right decision.

[jellibeans]

When you were on the speaker phone... . do you think you could have said give your mommy a big hug from us? or something in that vein? I wonder if that might help the situation since most pwBPD like the attention on themselves... . just a thought... .

[mom2bpd]

Thanks rapt reader and good idea jellibeans.  U r so right that the BPD loves to be the center of attention.  I didn't think of saying that... . maybe next time.  I'm going to give them some space.  My T said they r like rebellious teens trying to show me what they can do. She thinks a lot of their behavior is due to my H and I setting boundaries with them.  My uBPD and her H are both very manipulative and they are having to play like adults right now so it's not fun. I can't bring myself to compliment them on their parenting because they r both incredibly selfish.  I'll try to look for something to say though when I hear they have done something that was truly for granddaughter. I don't want to lie.  Thanks for all your suggestions and for the compliment.