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How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
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Author Topic: Can't sleep again tonight...  (Read 549 times)
Jb101
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 100


« on: April 12, 2014, 10:03:50 AM »

It's been a few days since we ended it for good and I'm miserable...

Last time we caught up she was dressed to kill in one of her outfits she's described previously as what she wears when she's looking for a one night stand. It's so devaluing that she's happy to be like that straight away... Wish I didn't miss her be I do. She did her best to kill it with me at the without ending things, made it impossible to have fun... . and now she's immediately going out with other people. Told me she needs a real man etc and I'm not strong enough for her... . Which I've heard before and we've moved on etc, but in the context it's left me feeling so crap... .

I've gone from semi detached and strong while trying to fix it to broken at how it's all fallen apart. I suppose it's like thinking I was strong enough to stay and deal with it, but it just wears you down so much.

I'm barely getting through the days at work, just depressed about it all the time and wanting to retreat from the world.
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coolioqq
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 167


« Reply #1 on: April 12, 2014, 10:58:17 AM »

Don't mind whatever they say. It's their amygdala working. They'll say things they may mean in a fraction of a second, then not thereafter. But, nons sometimes stick to these "labels." What kind of personal strength did she show to you? What did she do to help you establish your strength? If the answer is nothing, then I wouldn't worry about it... .

My dBPDexgf, once I went full NC cold-turkey, and she saw that I ain't going back to her, in all her rage around me not responding, she still said that she admires my strength and dedication and simply can't believe how strong of a person I am... . Did it mean anything to me? No... . I take compliments and criticisms only from mentally sound and emotionally grounded people who know and mean what they say... . So should you!

Sleep well, dude. You need to find a real person once you recover!
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Jb101
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 100


« Reply #2 on: April 12, 2014, 11:15:19 AM »

I take compliments and criticisms only from mentally sound and emotionally grounded people who know and mean what they say... .

This is such good advice, I need to remember this phrase. Thank you.

I just feel emotionally trashed and exhausted after all the crap. Just before it ended I asked her what happened, why she'd gone from a few weeks earlier telling me how much she loved me and how she wanted to get counselling and work on the BPD. She replied with "I never said that, there's nothing wrong with me'!

I hate feeling like it's just because I know these a problem that she wants to move on and thinks it will go away... . even though she admitted it was a pattern with other guys previously one night... . But your advice helps a lot.

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coolioqq
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Posts: 167


« Reply #3 on: April 12, 2014, 12:01:12 PM »

I just feel emotionally trashed and exhausted after all the crap. Just before it ended I asked her what happened, why she'd gone from a few weeks earlier telling me how much she loved me and how she wanted to get counselling and work on the BPD. She replied with "I never said that, there's nothing wrong with me'!

I feel for you man. I was, and still am to some degree, emotionally trashed. I was a complete dump until a couple weeks ago! Well, at least you had the idealization phase telling you how much she loves you... . I never had that! The first time she said (lied!) she loves me was when we slept together, and that's because I said it. So, it was a reflex. After that she said she doesn't know what she really feels about me. When I broke it off and went full NC, she said she "thinks she loves me... . " Do you know how miserable I felt? Then, as she continued to try to convince me into breaking NC, she started saying she loves me. Then, in the last contact, she questioned my love for her, not even mentioning her feelings... .

So, imagine how I feel or felt? It can be always worse, dude. Never forget that you are now out of that misery and dysfunction! That, my friend, is a reward in itself. Once you come out of the fog completely, you'll look back, see the fog for what it was, and go towards the sunny times!
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bpdspell
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Married.
Posts: 892


« Reply #4 on: April 12, 2014, 12:05:57 PM »

Jb101,

The toughest part of accepting our ex's mental illness is their deep denial of their disorder and their ability to project and blame rather than to seek help for themselves. The feeling is devastating for us because we want so bad for them to be a healthier version of themselves so that we can continue to love them madly but it doesn't ever pan out that way.

I know it hurts how self absorbed and fast they move on but that's the mental illness of BPD. Attention for them is their lifeblood; a survival mechanism and they do it to avoid the pressure cooker of their disordered thoughts. Their minds once triggered are spinning on all cylinders because they are working triple time to avoid their deep feelings of shame and unworthiness.

The perception of them having a blast without us is very deceptive but trust and believe your ex is miserable. BPD's are world class actors and know how to play the cover up game well.

It sucks for us because the unraveling is beyond our control and it hurts but it isn't within our power to mend, fix or repair damaged souls that have been sick way before we came into the picture.

Spell
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Jb101
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 100


« Reply #5 on: April 13, 2014, 11:22:36 AM »

Omg, just sent me a message saying how good it was to be hited by somebody else... .

Just blocked her number, but feeling totally hited up... .
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Dog biscuit
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 193


« Reply #6 on: April 13, 2014, 11:38:12 AM »

Omg, just sent me a message saying how good it was to be ed by somebody else... .

Just blocked her number, but feeling totally ed up... .

JB, dont take the bait! It acctually is kind of sad to send a text like that. Child like games and  behavoirs, yuk!
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Jb101
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Posts: 100


« Reply #7 on: April 14, 2014, 06:02:17 AM »

I hate that I miss her so much. Everything says this was totally dysfunctional, my friends say never let her get her hooks back into you etc... . and yet I still question what I did so much and feel like if I'd been stronger and better able to deal with her rages and behaviour it might all have gone so downhill... . it's less than a month ago that we were about to finalise buying a house together. We had a domestic and she was raging epically... . I remember just feeling like I needed to escape and leaving. The next day we met and she promised to go see somebody, and agreed that it would be better if we just rent for a little and work things out etc. But within a few days she said she didn't want to and since then all she could focus on is that I'd left her, never that she was behaving badly. And then within a couple of weeks she'd bought herself a house and said the relationship was over since I'd left that day and that she felt nothing anymore and was just confused... .

Argh, I'm just torturing myself... .
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