Is This a Recycling Attempt?

[WisdomSeeker]

Ex BPD GF of 5+ years, whom I lived with for almost 3 years had an affair for over a month with a younger version of me. She exhibited signs of guilt or shame, so I started paying attention and discovered she was lying, cheating, and having an affair. I did a preemptive strike by leaving her when she went out to dinner with her girlfriends. I left a letter notating details of the cheating and wished her the best and told her that I would miss her.

Three weeks later she leveraged an excuse to text me, but I didn't respond. Two days later, she emailed me, and I didn't respond. Finally, two days later she used the trick I tought her and called me on an unrecognized Google number and I fell for it. She asked to get together to discuss any "unresolved issues". I told her that I wasn't interested and that I had nothing else to say. Even though I wanted to hear what she had to say, she didn't apologize and I saw my replacement's car at her house at 1:30 am on Valentine's Night just one week prior. Thus, when she called me, I figured that they were still together. 7 weeks have passed with NC. I have been getting stronger, but I am still weak. I consciously and thus physically avoid situations that will hurt me. For example, I don't drive by her house anymore, I don't check her Linkedin status to see if she got a job, I don't check Facebook, I don't go to any social Meetup events where she could potentially bring my replacement.


Last weekend, she sent me an email asking me for her login information for her taxes that I did last year. I responded directly with the info without any small talk. Finally, today I got the following email tonight:

"I know you don't want to talk to me nor see me but I want you to know if you want to see the dogs, just let me know. They still run to the door when they think a car is pulling in, so cute."

She figured out my sweet spot. This has been killing me as she adopted three dogs when I was with her and I walked them everyday for 2 and half years.

Question 1: Does this smell like a recycle effort?


I am planning on talking to her to find out what she has to say.

Question 2: Does anyone have any advice on how to handle meeting her, besides telling me not to do it?

Thanks for reading.

[Aussie0zborn]

Oh dear... . the dogs again.  My friends are quibbling over the dogs in their separation.  I said goodbye to my dog ages ago and while I missed him I had to shut that door.

Yes this is a re-connect attempt. The dogs still run to the door when a car pulls up... . when HIS car pulls up, that is. She doesn't have a job but she feeds three dogs? You will be paying child support/alimony for her dogs if you re-engage.

Apart from suggesting you don't do it, there is nothing to say, hence this post having 45 views and 0 replies in three days because there is no good advice for meeting up with her to "hear what she has to say". This is what she is going to say... .

1. You neglected me

2. You can be so self centred

3. When we got together you said you will never leave me

4. All you do is hit_____

This is how you are going to feel:

1. Like you neglected her

2. Like an self centred egotistical prick

3. Like a liar

4. Confused

On top of that she will stun, shock and anger you with her denial and lack of responsibility for her actions so you won't be getting any joy out of meeting with her.

You did the right thing and got out of there quick smart because you needed to save yourself.  Why throw yourself into the fire now? Nothing she says will help you get through this, it will simply damage you further.

[WisdomSeeker]

Thanks for responding Aussie.

It turns out she got a new job. After I responded to her previous email by saying that I am interested in visiting the dogs, she replied with the following email:

"Weekdays, I leave the house by 7:30am for work so anytime before that. Text me and we'll coordinate weekend visits. They'll be happy to see you."

I am still not sure if this is a recycle attempt. She could be just trying to get me to walk the dogs now that she is working full time. I really want to visit the dogs, but not if she is still in the relationship with my replacement. I would feel like I am being used to walk the dogs and there is a risk I would run into my replacement, which I haven't met and don't want to meet. Besides, I would just miss the dogs again and conjure up painful memories from what she did.

Anyone else have an opinion whether this is a recycling attempt.

[corraline]

Mine is droppping by my work place and calling there too.  Looking for a book he says.  I wonder the same thing.  Maybe it is , maybe it isn't. 

The thing is, if i don't engage in the possibility ... .   then it isn't.

[maxsterling]

Question 1:  Yes, totally recycle.  Put yourself in her position.  You left her.  If she was happy with your replacement, why in her right mind would she care whether or not you saw her dogs or not?  From the goodness of her heart?  Not likely. Would you want to invite an ex who left you just to visit your dogs?  No, you would want nothing to do with that ex.  She's probably NOT happy, and just testing the waters, or just trying to manipulate you, rub your face in it, or prove something to herself.

Question 2:  Well, you didn't want me to say "don't do it" (still my best advice), but assuming you do, I could suggest possibly meeting to see the dogs at a neutral location, such as a park, to guarantee your replacement won't be there.  I'd also keep my defenses WAY up, and try to keep the conversation about ANYTHING but the relationship.  The weather.  Sports.  The dogs.  Her new job.  I think Auzzie put a likely scenario out there - any discussion of the r/s and she will do her best to make you feel like crap.  Stick to boundaries, keep it short, and excuse yourself at the slightest moment of uncomfortableness.

[WisdomSeeker]

Thank you all for your help.

I responded to her email by saying - "Ok, sounds good." Thus, I didn't set up a day/time to visit the dogs. I am going to delay the meeting. I need to get a little stronger first. Also, this will tell me if SHE has any urgency for me to visit the dogs, which there could be if my replacement didn't work out as she would then have to deal with the failure of two r/s.

I will do my best to focus on just picking up the dogs and walking them and keeping her out of the equation as much as possible. Also, I guess it makes sense for me to walk them on a weekday to minimize the probability of my replacement being present. I know she has a bad streak, but I don't think she would try to rub my nose in it as I was kind in my goodbye letter to her. I didn't call her any names and wished her the best. Plus, I responded to her help for her last year's tax information.

[WisdomSeeker]

Well, I went through with it and visited with the dogs. It was very awkward. It was the very first time I had seen her since I slipped out the back door when she was out with her girlfriends almost 3 months ago. There was no exchange of pleasantries, no hugs, etc. But the dogs were very happy to see me. It was very awkward as she introduced some guy to me at her house. Although it appears that he is the bf of her new roommate. Although, this is not confirmed. But my gut tells me this.

Meanwhile, after checking the dogs back in after our time together, I texted her to inform her that they were back. We ended texting each other back and forth about 3 times each with the topic being the dogs. In fact, the next day I received an email wishing me a Happy Easter.

All this communication my her seems to lend itself to the probability of a recycle attempt as predicted by Aussie and Max Sterling.

Part of me feels validated and my faith restored that what comes around goes around. At the same time, I feel like I talking with the devil. I think I could forgive the infidelity as I know she truly thought I was going to leave her. But, I still haven't gotten an apology for the cheating. I am just going to continue to take this very slow and only react to her communication. Thank you for your support on this incredible site.

[maxsterling]

WisdomSeeker - I know you want an apology for the cheating - but I strongly doubt you will ever get one.  If you do, it will be "I'm sorry for my actions, but (list of excuses, justifications, reasons why she really isn't at fault)."  What you won't get is, "I'm sorry I hurt you, what I did was wrong and inexcusable, I hope you can forgive me."  I can't say that for certain, but from my experiences it's just not the nature of a pwBPD to really see the effect their actions have on others.  Here are some examples from my GF:

- on a few occasions, she's told me that over the course of her life she had many good friends just "dump" her in a mean way.  One of those friends was a high school friend that she said told her off after my GF had sex with a guy the friend was interested in.  I'm sure in the opinion of most people, what my GF did to her friend was very hurtful.  If I did that to a buddy of mine, I'd expect to get punched in the face.  My GF, now 20 years later, STILL blames this friend for "dumping" her.  She says, "well, it's not like she was dating the guy, I didn't even know she was interested, and he was an ***hole anyway, and it's not like I started dating him afterwards."

- She also says that she was interested in a guy for a long time and wanted him to ask her to marry her.  So, to pressure him, she decided to start seeing other people.  She doesn't seem to understand how this didn't work, doesn't understand how that may have hurt the guy she wanted, or that she hurt the guys she was trying to replace him with.  I don't think she feels that this behavior hurt anyone except herself.

- and with me, she's done a hell of a lot to hurt me.  And I have expressed that.  She seems like she knows it was wrong, but still no apology whatsoever. 

Apologies just don't come easy for pwBPD.

[willtimeheal]

Wisdom seeker

I know you don't want to hear it but don't meet with her. She is a master manipulator. The dogs are a hook. Who knows what you are getting yourself into. You broke up with her and BPDs don't like that... . She is setting you up. Come see the dogs might turn into he robbed me, rapped me, punched me. You are walking a very dangerous line. Walk away and do not contact her or respond to any of her attempts to engage you. A simple I miss the dogs but they are yours not mine take care... . That should be your final response. Then walk away. You are flirting with disaster.

[WisdomSeeker]

MaxSterling, thank you for your comments. I know you are right. Two weeks after I moved into her house 3 years ago, my dad died. On the very same night, she yelled at me for leaving some dishes uncleaned in the sink. I asked for an apology twice. On the second request, she said that she will never apologize for that. I guess that she doesn't have a strong sense of self.

Willtimeheal, thank you for your comments. My exBPD is a high functioning BPD and I don't believe that she would set me up. Even though I left her, my letter was full of love and no name calling. Also, I sent her some of her things that I had and I helped her when she requested for her prior tax year login information. I have done my best to not flare tempers, as she has a bad one. Thus, I don't believe that she has it her to do something like that to me. But I definitely have my guard up, so thanks for the warning.

[tryingtohelp]

Hi Wisdomseeker

Looks like you've had some good responses and good advice,  I know how hard it is to resist the urge to re-connect and you seem to have a lot more strength in dealing with this than I have.

You have done all the right things.   I wish I could, I think I'm just too scared to tell my pwBPD (diagnosed) to just stay out of my life ,  inside I still want her despite all the atrocious things she has done to me over the years.     

[WisdomSeeker]

Trying to Help, thank you for your comments. I think that it is important to realize that even though a lot of us on this helpful website have a commonality in that we have experienced pain being with a BPD, there are different levels of impairment associated with BPD. Even though my ex BPD was very difficult to live with, it pales in comparison to what others have experienced. I am appalled seeing what some of my comrads have experience. Yes, my ex BPD had an affair and was selfish. In fact, I felt as if she had shattered my heart. I wanted to die. But the reality is, we hadn't been intimate in a while because she had shut down our intimacy. Thus, I wasn't as devistated as I would have been if we had been intimate recently. And I threatened abandonment to try to get her to treat me better. I didn't realize at the time that I was dealing with a BPD woman. So, I can now understand her behavior better have gaining some knowledge on this site.

The way I see things from all my mistakes over the years, you have to put yourself first and be happy with yourself. You can't need any particular person or situation in your life to be happy. You deserve to be happy regardless of your situation or who you are with. If you are able to do this, things will fall into place and oters will perceive this. Best wishes. Stay strong. I believe in you.

[WisdomSeeker]

I got a text from my ex BPD on Friday evening wanting to know where she can find the shredded chicken at the grocery store for the ":)OGS", which I use to buy them. That is really starting to be confirmed as a recycle attempt. She could have easily asked 20+ of the employees working at the grocery store for this information. Plus sending the text on a Friday evening, suggesting she doesn't have any plans and trying to find out if I will respond on a Friday evening. LOL