We are GREAT co-parents, BUT...

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I know this isn't usually what you may all read on here, but it is true.  My ex is a very involved dad, very supportive, loving, spends a lot of time with our d14, he is there every step of her way. He takes her on vacations and speaks with her everyday. He is there for her school functions, softball games, doctors appointments, etc.  We make big decisions together.  He helps out financially.  Whatever I may need I can ask and he will help us out.  Yet he (of course) having BPD, he is very conflicted and sick inside.  Because just when we spent the past 5 months getting our daughter through another health scare/ordeal as a very united team... . WHAM!... . only after a few weeks of D being home from hospital and a few days after finally getting better results from the doctors ex unloads his conscience to tell our D and then me that he secretly moved with with his gf weeks ago.  Our D has no relationship with his girlfriend whatsoever and doesn't really have a desire to. 

I don't know what is worse... . having a parent that is just an obvious mess or a high functioning one who has a big enough heart to do a lot of good but who is also very selfish and is capable of delivering a lot of pain very quickly.  Either way, it all hurts.  It hurts our daughter to again learn his capabilities to be a very dishonest person to her.  It hurts me to see her upset when she should be focused getting healthy.  It hurts that the timing of the things he does is always at the worst.  What is hard is you want to be angry and D wants to tell him how she feels, but as we both have come to know and understand all to well... . that is a dead end. There is no getting through to him in situations that he made with irrational thinking in the first place.  It doesn't change the great parts of his parenting or the appreciation for him being there and doing all that he does, but to have such a close relationship that D and her dad have together... . the dishonesty is a hard pill to swallow and accept for our daughter.  She is fully aware of BPD and is seeing a T (who is on vacation this week), but she is still just a kid that isn't always willing to permanently burst that bubble to the reality of how her dad really can be.  I see her still wanting to believe different.   

I haven't been on these boards in months. I don't even think I am looking for advice. This is a just a true vent to those who can somewhat understand and because I am exhausted of the closed doors from those that just can't fathom what me and D are truly going through daily.

[changingme]

I know this isn't usually what you may all read on here, but it is true.  My ex is a very involved dad, very supportive, loving, spends a lot of time with our d14, he is there every step of her way. He takes her on vacations and speaks with her everyday. He is there for her school functions, softball games, doctors appointments, etc.  We make big decisions together.  He helps out financially.  Whatever I may need I can ask and he will help us out.  Yet he (of course) having BPD, he is very conflicted and sick inside.  Because just when we spent the past 5 months getting our daughter through another health scare/ordeal as a very united team... . WHAM!... . only after a few weeks of D being home from hospital and a few days after finally getting better results from the doctors ex unloads his conscience to tell our D and then me that he secretly moved with with his gf weeks ago.  Our D has no relationship with his girlfriend whatsoever and doesn't really have a desire to. 

I don't know what is worse... . having a parent that is just an obvious mess or a high functioning one who has a big enough heart to do a lot of good but who is also very selfish and is capable of delivering a lot of pain very quickly.  Either way, it all hurts.  It hurts our daughter to again learn his capabilities to be a very dishonest person to her.  It hurts me to see her upset when she should be focused getting healthy.  It hurts that the timing of the things he does is always at the worst.  What is hard is you want to be angry and D wants to tell him how she feels, but as we both have come to know and understand all to well... . that is a dead end. There is no getting through to him in situations that he made with irrational thinking in the first place.  It doesn't change the great parts of his parenting or the appreciation for him being there and doing all that he does, but to have such a close relationship that D and her dad have together... . the dishonesty is a hard pill to swallow and accept for our daughter.  She is fully aware of BPD and is seeing a T (who is on vacation this week), but she is still just a kid that isn't always willing to permanently burst that bubble to the reality of how her dad really can be.  I see her still wanting to believe different.   

I haven't been on these boards in months. I don't even think I am looking for advice. This is a just a true vent to those who can somewhat understand and because I am exhausted of the closed doors from those that just can't fathom what me and D are truly going through daily.

[DreamGirl]

Ugh - it's so frustrating it is when the other parent does this kind of thing.   

Why didn't he talk to her first?

Our D has no relationship with his girlfriend whatsoever and doesn't really have a desire to. 

Is there a reason for this?

Statistically speaking, she's actually in the "normal" range for a teenager when it comes to a new spouse (if that helps you at all) and there is some really good literature out there to help our kids in this blended family stuff. 

It hurts our daughter to again learn his capabilities to be a very dishonest person to her.  It hurts me to see her upset when she should be focused getting healthy. 

I think that her getting healthy should be her first goal too... . is there a way to explain this kind of behavior? Does her therapist have any advice?

[changingme]

Hi DreamGirl... . Thanks for replying to my post

Exactly my questions and thoughts... . why didn't he just talk to her first! But this is just what he does, unfortunately. 

The lack of relationship between my D and the gf stems from D getting stuck in the cross fire of many recycles my ex did between me and the same current gf.  This was way before I knew or understood anything about BPD and what I was really up against.  I thought he was just "confused".  The separation between D and gf is also because ex kept it that way while he was "figuring out what wanted" he kept the relationship with the gf (again) a secret from our daughter for a very very long time.   He molded his life into two separate parts and it has naturally stayed that way over years. Even without the physical recycles between us now, our D sees his "recycle" with me when he is just nicer or sweeter or even flirty at times we have to co-parent and come together for a doctors appointment for example.  So there is a lot of mistrust on his intentions.  But  since he keeps advancing and growing the relationship with the gf, there is pressure on D from other family members to just accept it, and this frustrates her more because there is that lack of understanding on what he is really doing that those other people do not witness or see.  D is just sick of it and just wishes the situation would go away. 

Her T is great and she does help and give great advice with each new issue. I just wish she was back from vacation already!

[ForeverDad]

Yes, his timing is lousy but, trying to see the less negative aspects, could it be that he didn't mention it while she was in the hospital because she was ill?  Viewing the long term situation, likely things such as this will happen again.  He does have his own life to live and not all of his choices will be ones she likes.  There's no way to protect your daughter from all the impact, but you and her counselor can help her to deal with it as best she can.  After all, in a few years she will be an adult and the guidance now will help her throughout the rest of her life.  Your ongoing support, discernment, observations and validations of her own observations can be so helpful to her.

[changingme]

ForeverDad,

That is how ex is looking at the situation; that he didn't say anything because she was in the hospital.  But there is more to the story that I am aware of and I know (as he does) tells only the partial truth when trying to be truthful.  Either way you are completely right that I can't protect my daughter from his past and future choices which tend to have a negative impact on her by being handled in an inappropriate way. I did try to protect her for so long and I thought I could.  I didn't foresee that eventually his BPD would boil over from directly impacting me to directly impacting her.  It just breaks my heart.