"SD9" filed a RO

[Thunderstruck]

Last week SD9 was picked up from school by a stranger (to us) and taken to an empty apartment to wait alone until uBPDbm got home from work. My SO went to the apartment with the police to check it out. My SO talked to the neighbor and the officer went in and checked on SD9.

Now uBPDbm is filing an order of protection on behalf of SD9 against my SO. She claims he threatened the neighbor, threatened SD9 and she is terrified of him, tried to break into the house, has a drug and alcohol problem. She had SD9 write a letter to the judge in the exact same wording that she has been using.

I don't know how this is going to play out. We are going to subpeona the officer and have the dispatch report. uBPDbm voluntarily met us and had an exchange just days after the incident occured. We have photos and witnesses that show that she was happy and loving that weekend with us.

This is the same judge as our custody trial, so I really hope he's a sensible person... .

[ForeverDad]

The ex can allege anything and everything.  My ex did.  But what counts is documentation and having involved the police to assist him is just about the best protection he can have.  Ex may show up waving a piece of paper, perhaps the neighbor's statement, but as my lawyer said, you can't cross examine a piece of paper.  If that happens, then ask the judge to exclude those items as hearsay.

Expect mother to be very emotional and emotionally convincing, despite having no substantiating facts.  Let's hope the judge isn't fooled by it.

If the judge wants an evaluation of father before making a final decision, try to get BOTH evaluated.  (As in, the street goes both ways.)  If only father gets evaluated and the results are okay then judge may just dismiss without identifying the real problem.  It's somewhat rare that you can get an opportunity to get an ex into the glare of an evaluation process, so if that pops up, by all means agree to put ex under a microscope.

[Matt]

I agree with FD, except I would suggest filing a motion for both parents to have objective psych evals - don't wait to see if Mom does that.  Getting both parents' mental health status on record could make a big difference in how this plays out.

Alcohol/drug screens might be included, since that accusation has been made - get it out in the open just what relationships both parents have with drugs and alcohol.  That will get your SO off the defensive - she accuses and he denies - and get it into the realm of evidence.  It's possible Mom is projecting - accusing Dad of having a problem she has herself.  But you don't want to make that accusation - just get the information out on the table and let the court decide.

I would also suggest that you make sure you have a good family law attorney - someone who has dealt with similar situations.

And consider filing a motion to have an attorney appointed by the court to represent SD9.  She is being manipulated and the longer she is subject to her mom's influence without some limits, the worse things will get.

As FD suggests, your strategy should be "the light of day" - all the relevant information out on the table for the court to see.  Focus on evidence not accusations.  Point out when the other party makes accusations that aren't supported by evidence, and make sure you're not doing that too.

[Thunderstruck]

We have been fasting with our church, haven't had a drink in three weeks. Not sure how to "prove" that one. Also uBPDbm just called child protective services and claimed we were doing drugs slightly less than a month ago. We both took drug tests (and passed of course). The report might not be available in time but we have the basic letter saying "no findings of substance abuse".

[ForeverDad]

The ex has method to her madness.

• Doubts - If she can create doubts in the minds of the investigators, evaluators and court officials then they may be more inclined to "play it safe" and not feel bad about limiting your parenting in the short term or the long term.  This is a real risk early in a case since the longer the children have reduced time with you, the more uphill your struggle for meaningful parenting time.



• Chaos & Distractions - The more complaints about you the more the attention is shifted away from the ex and ex's behaviors.



• Blame-shifting - This is more likely to happen when a hearing or event is impending or something just happened that makes the ex look bad and so there is an urgent perceived need to make you look worse than the ex.



• Emotional conviction and persistence - It is hard for a court to properly deal with someone who is making allegation after allegation.  It is so convincing that surely something must be wrong, as in, where there is a lot of smoke surely there has to be a fire somewhere.  Those reporting abuse or neglect allegations (like whistleblowers) generally get default protection from repercussions.  While years of "unsubstantiated" allegations are likely to reduce the credibility of the person, no one is willing to stop them.  It's almost as though the official stance is that "maybe the 51st allegation could have some truth to it."



• Spitball effect - As the kids in school know, ex's logic is to throw enough spitballs at the wall so surely some have to stick, right?

[Matt]

The ex has method to her madness.

• Doubts - If she can create doubts in the minds of the investigators, evaluators and court officials then they may be more inclined to "play it safe" and not feel bad about limiting your parenting in the short term or the long term.  This is a real risk early in a case since the longer the children have reduced time with you, the more uphill your struggle for meaningful parenting time.



• Chaos & Distractions - The more complaints about you the more the attention is shifted away from the ex and ex's behaviors.



• Blame-shifting - This is more likely to happen when a hearing or event is impending or something just happened that makes the ex look bad and so there is an urgent perceived need to make you look worse than the ex.



• Emotional conviction and persistence - It is hard for a court to properly deal with someone who is making allegation after allegation.  It is so convincing that surely something must be wrong, as in, where there is a lot of smoke surely there has to be a fire somewhere.  Those reporting abuse or neglect allegations (like whistleblowers) generally get default protection from repercussions.  While years of "unsubstantiated" allegations are likely to reduce the credibility of the person, no one is willing to stop them.  It's almost as though the official stance is that "maybe the 51st allegation could have some truth to it."



• Spitball effect - As the kids in school know, ex's logic is to throw enough spitballs at the wall so surely some have to stick, right?

Exactly!

On TV, justice usually prevails, within an hour.  All the professionals involved are focused on finding the truth, and protecting the children.

In real life, this is not always the case.  :)ivorce and custody are civil matters, not criminal, so there is no presumption of innocence, and nothing needs to be proved;  in fact, as FD says, a man is often presumed guilty til proven innocent, and it can be very hard to prove that something didn't happen.

That's why you need to shift the focus from "he said she said" to "What does the evidence say?".  In civil matters - by the way, I'm not an attorney, and nobody here can give you legal advice, but we can share what we have learned from our own cases - in civil matters, the standard the courts are supposed to use is "a predominance of the evidence".  So if you focus on providing the most and best evidence possible, the picture will become clear, and the court won't be in a position of flipping a coin, or going with Mom because "Moms are better at raising kids" (not true but still believed by many), or going with Mom because - as FD says - "Where there's smoke there's fire." - also not true... .

So if your strategy is "The light of day" - that is, focus on evidence - how do you do that - what practical steps can you take?

First, note carefully every accusation that has been made - read all the court documents - note anything the court might have heard first- or second-hand from Mom - especially the stuff she got SD to write.  Note each specific accusation.

Then find a way to show that each accusation is false.

Let me use the alcohol/drug issue as an example.

"We have been fasting with our church, haven't had a drink in three weeks. Not sure how to "prove" that one. Also uBPDbm just called child protective services and claimed we were doing drugs slightly less than a month ago. We both took drug tests (and passed of course). The report might not be available in time but we have the basic letter saying "no findings of substance abuse"."

So you already have some evidence, but I think you can get more.  (And as I noted before, I think it's likely that Mom is projecting - she is abusing alcohol or drugs herself - so you may have the opportunity to not only show that her accusations against Dad are false, but also that she is putting SD at risk.

Courts use outside labs for this purpose.  Talk to any family law attorney and they will know what lab your court uses.  File a motion asking that both parents immediately submit to an "alcohol and drug screening procedure" - the standard procedure ordered by the court in these cases.  You don't have to figure it out - just ask the court to order what they usually order when alcohol or drugs are an issue.

As FD says, make sure both parents will be treated the same.  Make sure to ask that the screening begin immediately - like within 24 hours - so there won't be time for either parent to dry out.  (Most drugs stay in the system for weeks, but alcohol is out of the system within a few days I think.)  Ask that the results go from the lab directly to both parties and to the court.  (Or to both attorneys and to the court.)  This is critical so Mom's results won't be hidden - if she has an issue, you want to know about it;  but the court may not agree on this last point, and may order that the results only go to the court - oh well.

So your strategy is not to deny Mom's accusations, though you should definitely do that.  And your strategy is not to say ":)ad isn't using drugs but we think Mom is!", though that may be the case.  Your strategy is to get all the relevant information into the judge's hands.  So if her accusations are false, the judge will see that - objectively - and if Mom is drinking a lot or using other drugs, the judge will see that too.

Every other accusation - look for ways to do the same - show objective evidence that the accusation is false, and point out to the court that Mom is making false accusations.  Use that phrase - "false accusations" - not "lying" which assumes intent.  (It is possible she believes what she is saying, but that's not the issue - don't get into that area - it's a distraction.  What matters is that her accusations are false, not whether she believes them.)  Repeatedly point out that she is making false accusations, til the court is sure to see that pattern.

When one parent makes false accusations against the other, that is not in the child's interest, and it is pretty clear evidence that the accuser has some severe problem, like BPD or another psychological disorder.  Healthy people don't do that.  As the court sees the pattern clearly, you can go on to show - with evidence - that is, scholarly research and maybe an expert witness - how false accusations can affect a child over time.  And you can ask the court to appoint a Ph.D. psychologist to administer psych evals to both parents, so the reason for Mom's behavior will become clear.  If she is diagnosed with BPD or something else, you can find tons of research which proves that a child raised by someone with BPD or another psych disorder is at much higher risk over time - much more likely to suffer from depression, substance abuse, etc. - than if she is raised by two relatively healthy adults.

We'd like to think that judges and other professionals will quickly see that Mom is mentally ill and Dad is OK, but that is not how the process works.  Without evidence, things will go as FD describes - "Where there's smoke there's fire" and "They're probably both crazy." - assumptions instead of understanding.

So the challenge is to provide clear evidence - drug/alcohol screenings, psych evals, etc. - which show that Mom's accusations are false and that she is not healthy enough to raise a child.

[momtara]

Didn't read all the replies, but was a 9 year old left alone?  I think that's against the law... .

[Matt]

Didn't read all the replies, but was a 9 year old left alone?  I think that's against the law... .

Good point.  It's illegal where I live.

[Thunderstruck]

Didn't read all the replies, but was a 9 year old left alone?  I think that's against the law... .

It's a gray area in my state. Nationally the recommendation is 12 but my state says any age is ok if they are mature enough to handle it and the home environment is suitable. Since there is no set rule the cops/child services just check for food and running water and let it be. I think uBPDbm is ramping up these allegations to justify (after the fact) keeping SD9 away from us and at home alone instead of in daycare where she'd be safe.

[momtara]

Any age is ok?  Maybe that's a law, but it doesn't sound like something anyone would encourage.  It sounds ridiculous. 

Who leaves a 9 year old to take care of him/herself?  When I was 12, my parents were still getting me babysitters and I still felt scared when they were out sometimes.

[Thunderstruck]

We just got the child services report from when we were suposedly doing drugs. There is such good stuff in there!

- There is a pattern of inadequate supervision allegations (with mom‘s name on each of them, plus this being left home alone stuff now... . )

- The child seems to tell each parent what they want to hear (and mom wants to hear that daddy is mean and does drugs)

- They recommend therapy of course.

- Mother has talked about child support which is "on an adult level of conversation"

[Matt]

They recommend therapy for whom?

What are your options now?

[livednlearned]

There is no legal age for being home alone in my state either.

[momtara]

I wonder why?  Seems ridiculous.  Maybe some other law covers that.

[Thunderstruck]

They recommend therapy for whom?

What are your options now?

Therapy for SD9. In the report uBPDbm claims she can't afford it even though SD9 has insurance through my SO. This is a positive thing because we have been trying to get SD9 into therapy (she needs it badly) but no T's will work with a child if both parents aren't willing to participate so we need a court order for it.

uBPDbm is being deposed by the L tomorrow. Court is this friday. The L subpoenaed the cop and the child services worker to testify.

I'm anxious for this week to go by so we can see how it all plays out and put it behind us.

[Matt]

They recommend therapy for whom?

What are your options now?

Therapy for SD9. In the report uBPDbm claims she can't afford it even though SD9 has insurance through my SO. This is a positive thing because we have been trying to get SD9 into therapy (she needs it badly) but no T's will work with a child if both parents aren't willing to participate so we need a court order for it.

uBPDbm is being deposed by the L tomorrow. Court is this friday. The L subpoenaed the cop and the child services worker to testify.

I'm anxious for this week to go by so we can see how it all plays out and put it behind us.

This is encouraging.

Don't think of "therapy for SD9" to mean "SD9 has a problem and needs therapy to fix it."  That could be the case, but based on what you have said, probably not.

Think of it as "counseling to help SD9 cope with the difficulties in her life".  I like the work "counseling" better than "therapy" because it's less clinical - doesn't sound like there's something wrong with her.  We can all benefit from counseling, no matter how healthy we are.

I would suggest that you pursue this very strongly and consistently - every court event of any kind, make sure this subject comes up and make sure you say, "We think SD9 would benefit from counseling and we can pay for it through SO's insurance."  There is no counter-argument to that - sometimes courts won't order something if it can't be paid for but if you put it out there - "We think SD9 would benefit from counseling and we can pay for it through SO's insurance" then I think it's very likely the court will order that.  The risk is, if the subject isn't taken up because of how the court procedure works - if it's not the subject of a court appearance - you might have to aggressively insert it into the agenda, as soon as possible and again and again to make sure the court hears it.

[momtara]

In case of two parents disagreeing on therapy, can one parent go for family counseling and bring the child?  If it's considered family counseling, not just for the individual child, maybe in some cases that's a way around it?  Just a thought.

[Matt]

In case of two parents disagreeing on therapy, can one parent go for family counseling and bring the child?  If it's considered family counseling, not just for the individual child, maybe in some cases that's a way around it?  Just a thought.

Good point.

Probably best to have the court order it.

But just to share, here's what I did, after separating from my wife but before the court process really got underway... .

I talked with the school counselor, who knew my kids very well.  I told her what was going on, and asked her to keep an eye on them.  I also asked her to recommend a counselor in private practice, and she suggested the lady who had her job at the school before her.  So I made an appointment and talked with her, and was impressed, and scheduled my kids to see her.

I told the private counselor what was going on, but didn't tell her "Their mom wouldn't want you to see them."  I didn't consult with my wife about it, because I didn't want to argue about it.  I also didn't tell the kids, ":)on't tell your mom."

I'm sure they told her about it.  Many months later, her lawyer threw it in my face in court - tried to make it an issue.  The Custody Evaluator eventually talked with the private counselor, and recommended that the kids continue to see her.  And the court ruled that my ex should pay part of the costs.

In time my ex met with the private counselor and that went fine.  The kids continued to see her for a few years, til we moved.  I think it was helpful to them.

My point being, I didn't get anybody's permission - my wife's, my lawyer's, or the court's - I just did what I thought was best for the kids.  I got a referral from the school counselor, so I couldn't reasonably be accused of shopping for someone who would take my side.  And I didn't use the counselor as a tool in my fight with my wife - she was a resource for the kids.  So when the Custody Evaluator talked with her, he saw her as a good decision I had made, not a tactic I had used.

Theoretically I should have consulted with my wife about this, but that wouldn't have worked - it would have just been one more thing to fight about.

In your case, though, the timing seems really good to ask the court to order counseling.  You might want to find a good counselor and be prepared to put her name forward for the court to bless;  otherwise, the fight might move from whether to take SD9 to a counselor to which counselor, and you'll still be fighting about it.

[livednlearned]

Also, before picking a counselor -- this is if you don't get the court behind it first -- avoid seeing a forensic psychologist. They usually have specific training to work with courts around custody issues. So if you pick a forensic T, then court thinks you were specifically shopping around for someone who would testify on your behalf, potentially creating an unfair alliance without getting consent from the other parent first.

If you get a regular T, and really want a counselor who just wants to be a counselor, then you can sign a waiver that prevents the T from testifying in court. Obviously you lose a potential witness, but if your child needs a T, it's more important to get them into counseling and focus on other strategies for custody.

[Matt]

If you get a regular T, and really want a counselor who just wants to be a counselor, then you can sign a waiver that prevents the T from testifying in court. Obviously you lose a potential witness, but if your child needs a T, it's more important to get them into counseling and focus on other strategies for custody.

Yes, and this is one big advantage of having a Custody Evaluator.  Even if you sign a waiver so the child's T (or your own) can't be subpoenaed to testify, the CE can probably contact them and get good information.

In my case, the CE contacted my counselor - with my permission, but he could have done it without my permission I think - and the kids' counselor.  Also our marriage counselor.  The information he got went into his report, though I think he may have dumbed it down quite a bit - I think he made his report pretty mild compared to all the information he got.

[momtara]

But maybe he *does* want someone who can testify. 

Anyway, a regular therapist can be subpoenaed too, right?

[Matt]

Anyway, a regular therapist can be subpoenaed too, right?

Not necessarily.  That's a question for a lawyer who knows how things work there.

[livednlearned]

But maybe he *does* want someone who can testify. 

Anyway, a regular therapist can be subpoenaed too, right?

My point is that the court is more likely to get pissed if you get a forensic psychologist involved without two-parent consent. Does that make sense? If your goal is to get counseling for your kid, and you pick a forensic psychologist, don't get permission from the other parent, then court thinks you're trying to pull a fast one. If you get a regular T, then it's easier to say that you are focused on what is best for the minor child.

Just trying to explain why there is even an issue about getting a therapist without two parent consent in a custody case. Because it's confusing -- courts want kids to get help, but only if both parents can focus on what is best for kids. As many of us know, there are parents who use therapists to gain an advantage in custody battles. So better to be careful about how you go about getting a counselor if the BPD parent tries to obstruct.

In my case, S12's T had me sign a waiver that she would not testify in court. She made a big point about things being confidential, that therapy was for S12. Only if S12 discussed suicide or someone harming him (child abuse) would she report out. But the PC was able to talk to the T, and they had a professional relationship where it was ok to disclose generalities. So when the PC was on the witness stand, she said divulged information that was based on those conversations.

[ForeverDad]

In my state, therapists and counselors can't make recommendations for custody.  However, the C/T probably is qualified to report what happened even if a direct recommendation for custody is not allowed.  Unfortunately most don't seem to want to appear in court even if they can report what they've observed.  They are mandated reporters of child abuse, neglect or endangerment.  In my case they spoke with the court's social worker (who couldn't voice custody recommendations either) and with the custody evaluator and the Guardian ad Litem (both of whom can make custody recommendations to the court).

[Thunderstruck]

The L sent the motions that he's going to file.

1) A motion to use Our Family Wizard.

2) A motion for SD9 to have two weeks in the summer with us so she can attend our wedding.

3) A big ole motion listing how uBPDbm has been harassing us lately with DCF and ROs and blocking SO from visitation and alienating SD9 from SO. Then the motion asks for a temporary order. Right now the way it's worded I feel like it sounds like "uBPDbm is harassing dad and this is the effect on his relationship to daughter" but they should really show how her actions of late have had a huge negative impact on SD9 (especially in school, her principal described her as an "emotional wreck" lately). Then I think it should ask for SO to have majority time during the school week or in the least 50/50 (in the past year he's had just over 50%).

Regarding Therapy... . I don't think that uBPDbm specifically says no to counseling. She usually says no to **us** taking SD9 to therapy. Then she complains that she doesn't have the money to take SD9.

[Matt]

On #3, I think it would be good to write an e-mail to the attorney, saying your thoughts on this subject, and asking him to revise the court order accordingly, or give you a call to discuss.  It might be important to put it in writing so he can't ignore it.

On therapy, I think one approach that might work is to put into the motion exactly what you think is best so it becomes a court order - not vague like "therapy for SD9" but specific like "Mr. SO and Ms. Thunderstruck will arrange for a therapist for SD9, and will take her to the therapist twice per month.  Mom will reimburse SO 50% of the cost."

Or... . if there is any hope that you can do it without a court order... .

The way I do things like this is, I write my ex an e-mail stating what I will do, and then I do it.  Usually she doesn't respond, or just answers "OK".  But by sending the e-mail I am giving her the opportunity to object or to offer another plan, so if she doesn't respond I take that as "No objection".

In your case, I would write her an e-mail saying, "SO and I have talked to Dr. Child Therapist and determined that seeing her would be good for SD9.  We will take her every two weeks and see how that goes."  Maybe Mom would respond "I don't agree to that." and then you could either talk with her about it, or if that didn't work, file a motion.  But it's possible that Mom wouldn't reply or would reply "OK" and then you would have her agreement.

If she doesn't reply, and if Dr. Therapist asked, ":)oes SD's mom agree to this?", I would say, "Yes, we told her we were bringing SD to see you and she was OK with that."

[livednlearned]

On #3, I think it would be good to write an e-mail to the attorney, saying your thoughts on this subject, and asking him to revise the court order accordingly, or give you a call to discuss.  It might be important to put it in writing so he can't ignore it.

On therapy, I think one approach that might work is to put into the motion exactly what you think is best so it becomes a court order - not vague like "therapy for SD9" but specific like "Mr. SO and Ms. Thunderstruck will arrange for a therapist for SD9, and will take her to the therapist twice per month.  Mom will reimburse SO 50% of the cost."

Because my ex obstructs so many things he agrees to, my motions started to include very specific chain-of-event contingencies. "By date/month, plaintiff will suggest three therapists. Defendant has until date/month to select one. If no agreement is reached by that date, plaintiff will select the T. Minor child will see therapist a minimum of 2 times a month, more if deemed helpful to minor child. Both defendant and plaintiff can take minor child to therapist. If either party fails to take child to weekly session, alternating parent will arrange make-up session on his or her time."

Like that. Kinda obsessive, but spelled out in very clear terms. If a, then b. If c, then f. Lawyers don't tend to do it that way because most of their cases are relatively low-conflict. It will help your lawyer if you write what you want included, and they can just drop it into their motion.

There has to be consequences for non-compliance. It won't make bio mom adhere necessarily, but it gives you something solid to hang onto, and will help if you have to file motions for contempt.

[ForeverDad]

Regarding Therapy... . I don't think that uBPDbm specifically says no to counseling. She usually says no to **us** taking SD9 to therapy. Then she complains that she doesn't have the money to take SD9.

Yes she does says no to counseling, or effectively so.  "She wants to obstruct **us** and then claims no money."  The end result is the same and that's all that counts.

LnL spoke wrote well, spell it out so it will be presented as equal obligation/opportunity if both comply, then have it state that if one parent fails to enable sessions, then the other parent can step in and do it.  Frankly, there's no way she would agree to that, it will have to be a court order.

That's also why you have to build into the order the specific consequences, or as much as possible.  Often Contempt of Court cases have the judge deciding where to enforce consequences.  Often it's just a finger-wagging the first few times, a mere reminder what the consequences *might* be.  If consequences are already stated in the order, then it would be easier and quicker for the judge to take meaningful action.

[livednlearned]

That's also why you have to build into the order the specific consequences, or as much as possible.  Often Contempt of Court cases have the judge deciding where to enforce consequences.  Often it's just a finger-wagging the first few times, a mere reminder what the consequences *might* be.  If consequences are already stated in the order, then it would be easier and quicker for the judge to take meaningful action.

What I've learned from court is this -- make the judges job easier. Be the grown up who offers reasonable solutions that will keep you out of his or her court. They don't want you there. Really. They don't want to keep seeing the same parties over and over. They wish you would understand how court works and save the emotional crap for therapy. If you go to court expecting the judge to have the answers, you'll get treated like a child. If you go to court and demonstrate that you have thought hard about how to stay out of court, how to create reasonable consequences for non-compliance, how to stay focused on the child and not on your ex, you'll stand out and the judge will respect you. Many of them don't see a whole lot of that.

[Matt]

That's also why you have to build into the order the specific consequences, or as much as possible.  Often Contempt of Court cases have the judge deciding where to enforce consequences.  Often it's just a finger-wagging the first few times, a mere reminder what the consequences *might* be.  If consequences are already stated in the order, then it would be easier and quicker for the judge to take meaningful action.

What I've learned from court is this -- make the judges job easier. Be the grown up who offers reasonable solutions that will keep you out of his or her court. They don't want you there. Really. They don't want to keep seeing the same parties over and over. They wish you would understand how court works and save the emotional crap for therapy. If you go to court expecting the judge to have the answers, you'll get treated like a child. If you go to court and demonstrate that you have thought hard about how to stay out of court, how to create reasonable consequences for non-compliance, how to stay focused on the child and not on your ex, you'll stand out and the judge will respect you. Many of them don't see a whole lot of that.

I found this too.

Repeatedly, what I saw was that the process stumbled forward and not much got accomplished, til I stepped up and took the lead.

Let me give you an example... .

We had a financial issue which was a little complicated and not very black-and-white.  A significant amount of money was at stake.  I claimed it was all mine and my wife said it should be half hers.  The law was murky.

We went around and around, with the lawyers billing hours.  Then we met for a conference - no judge but a magistrate available to bless our solution if we came to one.  After some discussion, my wife's lawyer said to me - with my wife and my lawyer present - "Mr. Matt, can you propose something that everybody can agree would be fair?"  I was caught off guard - it was like she wanted me to be the judge - but I decided it could be a good opportunity.  So I went to a marker-board on the wall and sketched out the issue - wrote the numbers - and proposed something that was basically (it was more complicated than this) halfway between our positions, with some logic as to why that made sense.  Off the cuff and I'm not sure it was the "right" solution legally, but I put forward some arguments for it in a relatively objective style - not "I'm good she's bad" but "Here is the most logical solution".  And it worked - both attorneys said it was good and my wife said OK too.

Same thing with custody - we got the Custody Evaluator's report but his recommendations weren't very specific, so I wrote up a list of bullet-points saying what I thought the settlement should be, based on his recommendations but with some important additions.  That list became the focus for a settlement conference;  not all the points were agreed to, and some were modified, but if I hadn't written that list I don't think anything would have been resolved.

As you do this, if you are reasonable and fair, everybody may gain respect for you, and follow your lead.  You won't get everything you want - and if you try to, you won't get their buy-in.  But you can maybe get to a sensible outcome.