Long overdue update

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Some three years ago I came here to see if I could save my marriage.  Then my ex initiated divorce, and anything I said here became fodder for the endless hearings.  So I had to stop participating. 

The divorce is final now.  On January 28th the judge signed the order, and on February 28th, the plenary period passed.   Everything has been divided.  All that remains is to see if I can refinance the house, pay her 20k in equity, and move ahead.  My psychologist has diagnosed me with PTSD.  I am on medications, and doing an active journal, and meditation exercises.  The kids seem to have done well. 

In retrospect, as advice for any looking at a similar divorce, document everything.  If there is abuse, call the police everytime.  Hire a lawyer that will challenge what experts will be appointed, however much money you think you need, you will need more. 

In the end of our case, I was facing a hard choice.  The court was actively trying to break my will to fight. In hearing after hearing, I was required to pay whatever I had in reserve to the ad litem, and to forego paying my house payment.  The weekend before trial, I had to have 5k for the ad litem, 7k for the house, or lose both.  I had nothing left to pay with, and I had tapped out all family and friends for financial help.  So, I settled. 

The settlement gives me 50 percent access to the kids, I pay 600 a month in support, she gets 20k in equity, and she got a pick of about anything she wanted from the home...   it was a bitter pill to swallow.  I am paying her for a decade of lying, cheating, mental and physical abuse, gaslighting, a suicide attempt, and a dui, plus supporting her through her unemployment and schooling.  She has since started dating her first husband.  I try to ignore all of this, and Concentrate on making my life good...   that has been a battle all its own. 

I want to thank everyone on these boards for the help and support you gave through the process.  It was among the best support I received.

[gothattny]

Some three years ago I came here to see if I could save my marriage.  Then my ex initiated divorce, and anything I said here became fodder for the endless hearings.  So I had to stop participating. 

The divorce is final now.  On January 28th the judge signed the order, and on February 28th, the plenary period passed.   Everything has been divided.  All that remains is to see if I can refinance the house, pay her 20k in equity, and move ahead.  My psychologist has diagnosed me with PTSD.  I am on medications, and doing an active journal, and meditation exercises.  The kids seem to have done well. 

In retrospect, as advice for any looking at a similar divorce, document everything.  If there is abuse, call the police everytime.  Hire a lawyer that will challenge what experts will be appointed, however much money you think you need, you will need more. 

In the end of our case, I was facing a hard choice.  The court was actively trying to break my will to fight. In hearing after hearing, I was required to pay whatever I had in reserve to the ad litem, and to forego paying my house payment.  The weekend before trial, I had to have 5k for the ad litem, 7k for the house, or lose both.  I had nothing left to pay with, and I had tapped out all family and friends for financial help.  So, I settled. 

The settlement gives me 50 percent access to the kids, I pay 600 a month in support, she gets 20k in equity, and she got a pick of about anything she wanted from the home...   it was a bitter pill to swallow.  I am paying her for a decade of lying, cheating, mental and physical abuse, gaslighting, a suicide attempt, and a dui, plus supporting her through her unemployment and schooling.  She has since started dating her first husband.  I try to ignore all of this, and Concentrate on making my life good...   that has been a battle all its own. 

I want to thank everyone on these boards for the help and support you gave through the process.  It was among the best support I received.

[ugghh]

Thanks for the update.

Most importantly you have your freedom and your future.

[mywifecrazy]

Hang in there brother! Karma will get her. She's out of your life time to focus on you and your kids.

[momtara]

You mean, she's dating someone she divorced in the past?  Oh brother.

At least you got 50/50 custody.  That's more than a lot of people get.

[Forestaken]

I understand 100%, my S2bx+uBPD+dOCD took the kids college funds, I'm paying her $1500 support, gotta refi the house, etc.

I have to keep asking myself - is it worth it constantly, when I read my journal - yes it is but it's still depressing.