Do BPD's actively seek out insecurities to exploit?

[Jason886]

I'm curious whether BPD's seek out insecurities in people to exploit? I realize that they view themselves as damaged and not good enough and therefore may pick damaged people as partners to feel worthy.

I'm just asking because the BPD I was involved with responded quite oddly when I asked about her then bf and her new bf. Instead of saying anything normal or positive about them like he's fun, we have lots in common, he makes me laugh etc. She responded with "He has trust issues because his ex cheated on him" and "He just broke up with his gf". I thought that they were odd responses at the time and wondered why was she saying these things to describe her SO. There were zero endearing qualities mentioned only what sounded like an angel she could exploit.

It sounded like this was how she saw her relationship, an opportunity to exploit someones insecurities to be in a relationship.

[maxsterling]

I'm not sure about  "actively" or if it is just a subconscious reaction - but the pwBPD in my life tend to look for fault in others to try and blame them.  They don't want to admit tot their own problems - because that would mean they see themselves as bad people.  And when they are mad, they tend to find the sore spots in us and say things to make *us* feel shame.  I told mine that I was always self conscious as a kid because my mom was a messy eater - did not want to invite friends over, etc.  So what did GF do?  Nearly every night complained I was a messy or loud eater.  In general, she's negative. 75% of what she says is negative.  It's just normal course for her to look for faults in things or people  I've been with her a year - 75% of the things she has purchased she's returned because of something wrong with it.  Almost every person she's met over the past year she's found something wrong with. 

[In_n_Out]

I think that it's an extension of their own guilt and shame.  It's a "misery loves company" type of thing.  In an attempt to rationalize their own behavior, they try and mirror their faults on to their attachment(s). 

Here's a good example:  a while back while happy in my r/s with my ex, we were laying in bed on a Saturday morning. We'd probably just had sex, I dont' recall.  But out of what seemed to be the blue, she says "I think that we should live apart so that we can date properly".  I thought "What the heck?".  Here she is being negative just like that.  Laying here, happy and what is this crap?  Probably led to a big fight.  But here it is now a couple of years later and she was absolutely right.  We never did date.  We just jumped right into a r/s.  She knows what she "wants".  She knows what is right but for reasons far too complex to explain, we both jumped into a r/s without going through the dating ritual.  The timing was crappy but what she was saying was from her subconscious consciousness and in hindsight; she was right.  As a Staff Sgt in the Marines used to say to me "good initiative, poor judgement". 

[whippoorwill]

I agree with the statement that they try to mirror in others what they must feel are their own faults, and even more than that (in our particular case)-- they seem to try to say that others do/think things in general that the BPD does/thinks. For instance, my BPD MIL will say things that my small child supposedly said to her, that I KNOW my small child (whom I am with all day every day) is either incapable of saying or that I know she just has no interest in or would never say. And I am aware that my BPD MIL has said in the past, or is interested in, what she is saying my small child said or that my small child is showing interest in.

I read that BPDs mirror the identities of those around them because they lack a true identity. But I also see that (at least for our BPD) they try to push their own beliefs on others, saying that the person in question is thinking/saying/doing those things.

This has made me have a complete lack of trust in what our BPD MIL says about anyone or anything. I simply don't believe anything she says anymore. It's so skewed, warped, and twisted, that I don't think she even knows what the truth is.