The Five Stages of Detachment

[Boisnix79]

Decided to follow the steps that they have off to the right of this page today. I realized an immediate difference in my mood once I finished with step 2. Lighter and less knots in my brain... . I'm only done with stage two but it made a  difference... . I Got to see what happened without engaging in the emotions so strongly... . Makes me realize my role more clearly and how my having weak boundaries clearly equaled her BPD. To blame her is to cheat myself of the lessons.

Turns out the thing that most negatively got me from this relationship wasn't what I though it would be. What really took a bite out of my soul was her expecting me cook, clean up after, pay for everything, and accomplish everything I should, when I should, how I should... . It was truly one sided and I felt used up with no authentic appreciation... . BEcause to me, authentic appreciation includes reciprocation... . Her basically acting as though she was superior and deserved all of it was painful on me... . MY internal alarms went off for almost a year about this and I ignored them... . The one main theme to the lessons I learned during stage 2 was that I ignored my better judgement and "alarms" and that I didnt come into the relationship with any boundaries present. SO I now know I'd never feel used again, never be struck again, never be yelled at on any consistent basis again, and I will expect recirocation and empathy from a partner... . Quite possibly (even thoguh right now it feels like death on an english muffin) this relationship has helped me to fill in blanks that were missing or just drawn wrong since childhood. My future wife will be a much healthier person because of my BPD GF... . Makes me sad, also makes me grateful.

I'd highly recommend you take the time to write out each step and but thoguht into it... . So far so good over here. Step 3 tomorrow... . argh

[Mutt]

Good work Boisnix79  

Boundaries need to be established early in the r/s, very difficult to do late in the r/s. That is one thing that you have learned from a r/s with a pwBPD.

You're making progress and you're spot on when you say missing blanks / issues from childhood.

What are those missing blanks, issues do you think that were perfect conditions to establish this r/s with her?

[Boisnix79]

Hi Mutt, Thanks. I'm not sure I've ever studied this hard in my life! But now I'm studying FOR my life:)

My missing "blanks" from childhood:

1. The Ability to listen and trust my instincts. After such a difficult childhood I think trust in my own judgement wasn't ever exercised. Therefore, if something as drastic as this relationship never came along I may have never developed this part of myself. So one blank is confidence that my instincts are correct.

2. Boundaries. The things I wont put up with, wont negotiate about, and will be deal breakers. Along with listening to my instincts, these will assist me in protecting myself from assaults.

3. Value in myself. By tackling the first two items a sense of value and self respect is starting to form that was missing before without my knowledge. My value to myself is obvious because I'm doing this work to help myself. I'm worth it, my future is worth it, etc:)

4. Ability to stand my ground. Related to Boundaries, this one allows me to be willing to lose someone or soemthing if it isnt what will make me happy long term or its causing me harm. Before I'd ride the relationship out until the wheels came off because I was afraid of abandonment.

5. Being optimistically cautious. I didnt know you should actually watch out for yourself... . protect yourself by waiting and watching. I would just move at whatever pace my heart desired... I learned discipline of my heart when needed.

I'm sure there are more but these are pretty good for tonight:)

MUTT, what other things are typically missing when someone gets involved with an abusive BPD? Obvious is Boundaries, but are there ones I may have missed about myself?

[Mutt]

Boisnix79,

I was the same, no boundaries. I looked at the beginning of the r/s, and the reasons why I ignored the red flags, inappropriate behaviors. What was it about this person that I allowed myself to throw all logical reason out of the window. The idealization phase was short, but powerful. What was the pull?

I found what it was, that had nothing to do with her. I had to look further back in my life and connect the two. Start with your FOO (Family of Origin), what were your parents like when you were growing up? Start at the very beginning.

You mentioned self worth, why do you think you didn't value yourself?