What to validate or not ?

[sweetheart]

Hi everybody

I posted this morning on Intros, but am ok to post here. My dBPDh is back home now after another night in an emergency bed. I phoned the Crisis Team to ask for an update and my dBPDh asked to talk to me. Lots of blame ensued from him which I moved around and tried to validate how upset he is feeling. This seemed to work, I asked him what was happening he said he wanted to come home could I pick him up, I did. What's different is I didn't stay home i took our son out to a local play area for the afternoon and am here now relaxing:) what I want help with is what to do when he is projecting absolutely everything that he is doing on to me. I understand what projection is, but at the moment he is firmly fixed in projection, boardering on gas lighting at times. I know that what he is feeling inside must be unbearable for him, but how do I manage this so that I can be ok. I am using taking time out more and more which helps stop the onslaught of emotional blaming and vitriol.

I am on the Undecided board because I am struggling myself emotionally because the dusregulation has been relentless, and I am unsure whether I can survive much longer. So I figure I need to step back and look at me. I feel exhausted, it is a truly debilitating disorder that is poorly handled here in the UK, so I feel very isolated, I have no friends and my FOO have never been v supportive. I hav asked for there support, like our son spending nights away at grandmas but any help is rare.

I would be grateful of any help at all. I know my mood is depressed, I have just started having panic attacks, haven't had these for about 15 years, so hav the dilemma of whether to take an antidepressant ? I don't want a short term emotional fix, private therapy is not an option, but NHS therapy for me might be but the wait is long.

[Sugarlily]

Hi Sweetheart,

Sorry you are having such and tough time. Sounds like you really need some support. Have you asked your GP for a therapy referral? Depending where you are in the UK they shouldn't make you wait for more than 4 weeks. Some areas also have italk or phone therapy if you are on a longer waiting list. Sadly, it does depend where you live. The charity Mind have a help line where you talk to someone, my sister volunteered for them for a while and they can be really supportive and give sound advice.

[sweetheart]

Thank you Sugarlily

I have tried italk and it is time limited to 6 sessions and it is over the phone and purely focused on reducing stress. I want to talk to a therapist who is aware of the problems associated with BPD, this will help me the most. I have a Care Support worker through the CMHT here and she is great for off-loading and general support. People skilled and informed about the complexities of a relationship where one person has BPD are few and far between.

I will however contact Mind. The other problem I face are that a lot of what takes place is in the evening and I wouldn't feel happy having my dBPDh take care of our son on a regular basis. Certainly not in the short term he is too unstable. Thank you for your reply.

[an0ught]

Hi sweetheart,

I posted this morning on Intros, but am ok to post here. My dBPDh is back home now after another night in an emergency bed. I phoned the Crisis Team to ask for an update and my dBPDh asked to talk to me. Lots of blame ensued from him which I moved around and tried to validate how upset he is feeling. This seemed to work, I asked him what was happening he said he wanted to come home could I pick him up, I did. What's different is I didn't stay home i took our son out to a local play area for the afternoon and am here now relaxing:) what I want help with is what to do when he is projecting absolutely everything that he is doing on to me. I understand what projection is, but at the moment he is firmly fixed in projection, boardering on gas lighting at times. I know that what he is feeling inside must be unbearable for him, but how do I manage this so that I can be ok. I am using taking time out more and more which helps stop the onslaught of emotional blaming and vitriol.

best is often to just listen attentively and ask at times exploring/clarifying questions. There is also nothing wrong with time-outs when you are not able to handle it. Don't get too deeply involved in his therapy - it is for him. Boundaries are for your protection and ensure mutual respect. He is going through a confusing phase while he is trying to make sense with new insights and terms but lacks a real handle on them - that is normal.

While I get that your are UNDECIDED I would encourage you to keep an eye or post also on the staying board. Right now you are de-facto staying and that board is more geared towards the "how to handle xyz problem" questions.