How did doing a favor become an expectation?

[Parents! Get help here!]

I've been mulling over how our uBPD daughter has inched her way into making us feel obligated to do things for her that she should well be doing for herself.

She didn't "make" us do anything, I realize.  But it's such a cunning maneuver to see how a person's good nature is taken advantage of and before you know it, due to the fact that you did a favor for them once or twice, you now supposedly "owe" it to them to do it every single time. It becomes MY fault (she says) because after all, I led her to believe that she should expect me to do x,y,z for her all the time since I did it for her once or twice.  Things like a load of laundry, fixing her breakfast.  I have learned to make it clear when I do things for her that they are "courtesy acts" but then she comes in the next morning and says, "You did it for me yesterday, what do you expect?"   I think next time I will answer with, "I expect a thank you and a reciprocation now and then wouldn't hurt."   

[chooselove]

I've been mulling over how our uBPD daughter has inched her way into making us feel obligated to do things for her that she should well be doing for herself.

She didn't "make" us do anything, I realize.  But it's such a cunning maneuver to see how a person's good nature is taken advantage of and before you know it, due to the fact that you did a favor for them once or twice, you now supposedly "owe" it to them to do it every single time. It becomes MY fault (she says) because after all, I led her to believe that she should expect me to do x,y,z for her all the time since I did it for her once or twice.  Things like a load of laundry, fixing her breakfast.  I have learned to make it clear when I do things for her that they are "courtesy acts" but then she comes in the next morning and says, "You did it for me yesterday, what do you expect?"   I think next time I will answer with, "I expect a thank you and a reciprocation now and then wouldn't hurt."   

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[PaulaJeanne]

I remember asking my therapist when should I stop doing certain things for my children. He replied "as soon as they're capable of doing it themselves".

You should tell your daughter that based on her logic, you should still be changing her diaper!

[Dibdob59]

I strongly relate to this.  In fact this attitude has caused me so many problems with my UBPDS29 that I now regret having done so much for him in the past and actively avoid doing things for him any more, which fills me with sadness.

I have a non DD33 who I enjoy doing little things (and bigger things) for.  She is appreciative and does not take me for granted.  However I cannot treat my UBPDS in the same way as his sense of entitlement is overwhelming.

When he has a problem (which is often) he always refers to 'we' have a problem.  He does not say 'I'.

He does not live in our home although he does live in the same village.   He does not have a partner so saying 'we' is his way of transferring the responsibility of solving the matter onto someone else.

I truly feel part of this is his fear of not knowing how to resolve problems and he does say thank you from time to time.  However there is an expectation that he can always ask me or his sister for money, help etc and he is upset if we say no as he feels it is his right because we have helped him before.

[chooselove]

, PaulaJeanne, I'm going to remember that!

Dibdob59, This disorder has taken the fun out of giving for those of us who derive pleasure from performing such gestures.  Reminds me also how my daughter will say, "If you're going to spend money on me you shouldn't have bought me THAT, just give me the money!"

These days, she gets neither the gift nor the money.

[pessim-optimist]

This is a common problem, as persons w/BPD have poor sense of identity, they also have poor boundaries.

They have a hard time recognizing where their responsibility starts and others' responsibility ends. It is also another reason why they tend to intrude on other people's boundaries.

Knowing that helps us. If we develop a very clear sense of our own boundaries, we are better equipped to model them to our child w/BPD and also to communicate those in a gentle, yet clear and firm way.

If we do a favor for a healthy person, they are likely to recognize it as such, thank us for it, and not expect us to keep doing that.

This is a possible scenario with our child w/BPD: they may or may not recognize that this is their responsibility, or they may initially feel shamed and incompetent that we are doing something they should be doing, yet it is comfortable and convenient. With passing time, they come to rely on us more do less and less and feel more and more incompetent AND resent us for it.

That is a downward spiral... . the book "Loving Someone w/BPD" explains this very well - I highly recommend it. Plus - it is really easy to read, full of practical advice.

One of the many points this book makes is that it is best to not solve their problems for them, ask good questions that will let them figure out what they need to do on their own, while being there for them emotionally (validate their feelings).

If we freely want to help, it's best to ask what we can do to help them, or if there is anything we can do to help them. Then, we can decide, if it is something that we are willing to do. If not, we can say: I won't be able to do that, what else would help you?

[MammaMia]

chooselove

Boy, does that ring true.  I cannot remember the last time I bought something for my BPDs when he did not say, "Why did you do that?  I don't want it" "I will just put it with the other useless junk you have bought me".  This is when my purchase was something he asked for and/or really needed.

Cash?  Poof - it is gone.  Don't know where.  Never got around to buying the "thing" he really needed

so now he has to get along without it.  He is the only person in the world without this item. Not having it makes him feel less than human... . pathetic he can't have things like everyone else.

?

[hopeangel]

WOW - Yes all these things!

I had to explain to dd that other people need to feel valued, not just her and that when we do or buy things for her we need to hear a 'thank you!'.

I told her everyone is important not JUST her and everyone's feelings count, not JUST hers, we are all of value including her and we all need to FEEL valued by our loved ones.

We have seen some improvement with this attitude, since then in a lot of ways however these thoughts were put to her when she was contacting me to apologise for previously being especially vitriolic and ungrateful at the time and I was split white at the time,which I think were both crucial to making her open to my suggestions, otherwise she would have dismissed my words as manipulation and me trying to 'get out of my responsibilities' to her.

Another thing I am now making a point of mentioning (naturally in conversations, if she's ok with me) that as she is an adult I am not responsible for her, she is responsible for her own stuff, however as her mum I am here to support when she is unwell.

I will also point out whenever I can how her friends (the couple that remain) are adults and responsible for themselves whenever it can naturally be said.

I do feel the 'expectation' in her is decreasing to some degree, but will always be there and she needs these reminders, it feels almost like training a small child how to think for themselves.

I am trying to undo all the harm I did when I just felt so sorry for her as I'd found out she had a disorder and gave I in to most of her requests, I am learning from my own mistakes but I am finding things are not reversable, we have to adopt a whole new set of boundaries for pwBPD, we know what works for children and now we have to find out what works for our individual pwBPD, which is a whole new ballgame and the goalposts change throughout.  If we ourselves remain fairly consistent at least there is one constant in the game however much the pwBPD tries to change the rules.

This has been the most important lesson I have learned (am learning) in this situation, to live within my values and remain true to them, even under massive pressure and emotional blackmail.

 



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[MammaMia]

Amen Hopeangel... . Amen.

[chooselove]

pessim-optimist, I got a lot from your post about how the pwBPD struggles with boundaries. Thank you. Very helpful  I have to add, though, that when you say, "If we freely want to help, it's best to ask what we can do to help them,"  that asking that question scares the heck out of me. I have asked that question and you wouldn't believe the answers I got, most of them priced in the tens of thousands of dollars.  Then, when I say, "Well, that's not possible," she starts yelling, "Then WHY did you ask me?  Wait, I know the answer to that! You asked me what I needed JUST so you could tell me NO!"

I sure identify with both of you, MammaMia and Hopeangel.  I did some damage, too, when I first realized my daughter is most likely suffering from BPD and other disorders.   I feel so much better now that I am back in balance, operating from a more detached but still caring place.   I'm learning to be patient and pick the right time to remind her of her obligations when she is capable of giving me a positive acknowledgement.  It definitely pays off when she gives the opening for discussion vs me interjecting just any old time.