Lower Expectations

[Turkish]

Another meeting with my T last week. He is more vehement about getting me to stop complaining about uBPDx in that "she is who she is, and your anger is you expecting her to be what she is not."

She had the kids all Easter weekend. She was going to bring them to church, and DS4 certainly wanted to go, but she said he came down with a high fever and threw up the night before. She slept with him at 3AM to comfort him. She said he was hallucinating, talking about seeing spiders on the walls coming to get him. The kid certainly has an active imagination, but this concerned me. Even more concerning was when he told her: "mommy, there are spiders inside my belly, open me up to take them out." She dosed him with Tylenol to calm his fever. Due to their culture (she's an immigrant to the US), they think keeping the children hot is the way to combat fevers. I asked her if she had taken his temp (over the years, I got better about her being more scientific, rather than just saying "he has a fever" which she gets from her mom). She told me that she thought she had a thermometer in the diaper bag, but that she couldn't find it. I have two at my house, and know exactly where they are.

She called me early Easter morning to tell me this. Our son was better, and wanted to go to church. She was asking me if I thought it was a good idea. I said probably not, for him, and also for the other kids if he had something contagious. An hour later, just as I was about to leave, he asked her to call me. I talked to him a little. Phone conversations with a kid who barely turned 4 are what they are. Short. But I was glad he was doing ok. I asked if she was keeping him hydrated. She said he didn't want to take much water. I asked about juice and she said she didn't have any juice in her apt (her anti-juice thing, as if certain circumstances like this trumped that... . get sugar and electrolytes into the kid, and he would definitely drink juice... . dilute it even).

I was going to offer if she needed anything, I would run it over, but then didn't. I certainly wouldn't need anything from her (I could take the kids to the drug store, grocery, etc.). Not to say I'm Ward Cleaver or anything, but despite what my T said, this bugs me (so thank you for letting me vent here). My T also said that he still sensed in my my need to "rescue" my Ex from herself and the consequences of her unwise decisions. She's fairly high functioning in a lot of ways, but it's things like this that get to me. Her emotional unavailability to our children... . which only I seem to see... . I get and accept. Like me playing with DD1 and entertaining her at our son's soccer practice last week, while their mom sat on the bench watching. It's just that these operational behaviors which still bother me, and I suppose they always will.

[Unleashed]

Do I agree with T?  Well, if a lot of your energy remains in complaint mode then it may be time to reconsider your presentation a little, maybe.  Maybe if you get to the phase I am in (speculating/planning the next decades of my life), then the ex will gradually become less important.  I now can receive a hate email from her, not respond, and carry on. I am me now.

I was going to offer if she needed anything, I would run it over, but then didn't.

My T also said that he still sensed in my my need to "rescue" my Ex from herself

The first month of separation involved me using all available time to equip her/her house/ fix things.  It led to nothing good; now she remains in full rage.  I'd been chatting with a fellow that had been thru it a while back. He spoke of co-dependency. Either way, whatever you call it, having a primary goal in life of rescuing the other is not realistic.  You may know that, I knew that, but... . We take our time getting out of that mode.  I now am super logical, if the actions fail to help society they will not take place.  Spoiling children, errant wives, etc. does not help them.  Lower standards are to be called for, accept the inadequacy, that is why your are freeing.  Funny to note an (uNPD) parent of mine called last week to berate me, because I was not communicating with my wife, I am so bad, blah...   Hmmm. I was communicating, wife is calling out relatives to lie, boo, hoo.  This parent needs to lower their standards as well. It's ok.

[Turkish]

Do I agree with T?  Well, if a lot of your energy remains in complaint mode then it may be time to reconsider your presentation a little, maybe.  Maybe if you get to the phase I am in (speculating/planning the next decades of my life), then the ex will gradually become less important.  I now can receive a hate email from her, not respond, and carry on. I am me now.

It was like the other day when she was asking me about advice on what computer to buy. I pretty much blew it off, without being mean and asking her why she wasn't getting advice from her narc boy toy about this. I think she is slowly getting that I don't want to engage except when it comes to the kids, in which we have been doing pretty good.

I was going to offer if she needed anything, I would run it over, but then didn't.

My T also said that he still sensed in my my need to "rescue" my Ex from herself

 

I now am super logical, if the actions fail to help society they will not take place.  Spoiling children, errant wives, etc. does not help them.  

That is good. Logical altruism.

[changingme]

My T also said that he still sensed in my my need to "rescue" my Ex from herself and the consequences of her unwise decisions. She's fairly high functioning in a lot of ways, but it's things like this that get to me. Her emotional unavailability to our children... . which only I seem to see... . I get and accept.

Could it just be you want to save her from her unwise decisions because you are trying to protect and want better for your kids? I think the key to true acceptance is, like you said, lowering expectations.  I don't know if I can ever get there myself because I know my daughter doesn't deserve it. 

[Unleashed]

Funny, I have a confession.  In Feb she was showing off to my friends asking (in front of me) if they can fix her car.  They mumbled about it, nothing further.  A week later she was nice and asked me. I came over and fixed it in minutes, done.  Her showing off the others support network was supposed to enrage me, I want her to have others to tend to her. I guess the others were incapable of this minor repair; it is going to be a long path... .   Hours after I fixed this, I was receiving rage communications from her.  After the more violent engagements in Mar. I will not be fixing anything for her, she can get a donkey or mule.

[Turkish]

My T also said that he still sensed in my my need to "rescue" my Ex from herself and the consequences of her unwise decisions. She's fairly high functioning in a lot of ways, but it's things like this that get to me. Her emotional unavailability to our children... . which only I seem to see... . I get and accept.

Could it just be you want to save her from her unwise decisions because you are trying to protect and want better for your kids? I think the key to true acceptance is, like you said, lowering expectations.  I don't know if I can ever get there myself because I know my daughter doesn't deserve it.  

Yes. Emotionally, though she has accepted me pointing out the odd or incorrect things she has said to the kids in the past (I';m still her Father, in a way, or at least the one she wanted, just couldn't keep up Father/Lover/Father to kids), I don't think I can do much except on my side. But here, I agree with you. When it may obviously hurt the kids, I don't think I can always sit back and watch.

Unleashed: the car thing certainly is maddening. I feel for you. I always kept the old one of mine going. No appreciation. I didn't even do it for the appreciation, just the logic and then wanting to do something nice. How about not being treated like #$? That was all I ever wanted.

[ForeverDad]

I recall one particular instance because it got logged by the doctor's staff.  Ex called saying she was taking son to urgent care, he had a 104 degree temperature.  Bu the time she rushed him there wow it was just 101 and change.  You would think she would have a thermometer... .

Some of it I attribute to her need to be MOTY, she simply has to feel she is better than me.  Some to her impulse to fix him, hence the Munchausen's by Proxy traits, also know as Factitious By Proxy.  Not that she makes him sick, but she jumps at every opportunity to claim he is sick and that she knows what to do and I don't.

One weekend I had given him a couple tablets for respected natural remedy to aid concentration.  She got him back after the weekend.  The next morning after she took him to school she called asking what the white pills were.  So she went to school, took him out at noontime, brought him to the children hospital ER and claimed she had told her the night before his head was exploding, etc.  She blamed me for drugging him of course.  But if he was that bad, why wait until the next afternoon to go to the ER?  But if he was that bad, why even take him to school?  She was (1) hypervigilant and (2) saw a way she might make me look bad.

By the way, be careful to avoid administering acetaminophen (Tylenol) since it is hard on the liver, don't exceed recommended dosages.

[Turkish]

By the way, be careful to avoid administering acetaminophen (Tylenol) since it is hard on the liver, don't exceed recommended dosages.

Yes. And it drives me nuts that she and her mom want to dose them with Tylenol if they perceive they are feeling even a little bit under the weather. My impression is that they don't exceed the dosages. And it's Children's Tylenol. At least I got our son to stop saying "I'm sick, I have a fever!" every time he got a sniffle.

In retrospect, my daughter's behavior and possibly his physical symptoms may have had to do with uBPDx having her BF over all weekend. D just turned 2 is very perceptive about a lot of things. Not to mix threads, but I'm seeing my T today to get some advice as how to handle this with having our son accept that this is the way things are now, and that mommy has a BF and that she and I aren't together anymore. He's been good this past week, though. No sicknesses either. She wanted to run to our HMO to get our son to see a T. I got her to let me lead on this one for now, and that I'd pass on helpful information.