Trying to work thru this

[RickLI]

My ex and I have been brien up since 2/27 and I moved out 4/1 at his demanding. He went thru phases saying he doesn't think I should go but it's for the best. And now after I have left is now closing all doors back to him. He blocked me on Facebook and every social media outlet you can think of. I texted him to return a suit of mine by giving it to a mutual friend. Instead he mailed it to my old address. He went from wanting to be friends to not speaking or acknowledging me now.

How does one cope with being the love if ones life to trash on the side?

How can you stop or ease the person from painting you evil?

Is there anything I really can do or is the person I loved gone?

[GreenMango]

You can't control the splitting reaction.  Sometimes learning to communicate better using SET and validation calm emotionally tense situations but if this is BPD splitting is coping mechanism. 

Rick i don't know if the person is gone forever.  It may be temporary or they may be back after things have cooled down.

Do you have a time limit for yourself you are willing to wait before you start to move on without them?

[RickLI]

Hi Green,

I have been trying to learn the SET way to talk to them. I just have so much to reconcile I think and I get lost. 3 days after we broke up he was already on iPhone hookup/dating apps looking to meet someone new. I also saw sexually explicit text messages that he had with one guy one night. We had broken up but still sleeping in the same bed.

I finally put my foot down and refused to sleep in the same bed, as I felt that it robbed my dignity. He got pissed and stayed at his mothers till I moved out 2.5 weeks later.

In his last texts he wanted to help me move out... which I could not even begin to understand why someone who broke up with you would want to do that. I refused his help and then he picked a fight with me when I moved out. Weird thing is he cried and cried behind closed doors and had a conversation with a friend as to how hard this was and that I cleaned his apartment and that was so important to him but he would not thank me cause it wouldn't change anything.

Now 2 weeks post move out he blocks me on everything social media and would not even acknowledge a text asking for a suit back. Instead he just sent it to my old address. I just do not see how that is any where close to rational thought.

I don't want to really give myself a time but I mean we did everything together and this is so out of left field it just doesn't seem to be real. How do you swing so wildly from "we can get through anything" in Jan to get the F out in Feb?

I don't think I can text him again. I don't know what I would say or if it would do more harm than good. Do you typically just let them split you and leave it alone till they come around?

[GreenMango]

Hard question about splitting.  It's all in what you need in a relationship and if the person comes around.  Generally yes leave them alone when this is going on.  This would be for a regular relationship break up too.  If it gets to the pointwwhere there more space than is reasonable to maintain a relationship then you have your answer.  It takes patience and it's hard to come by when things flip like this.

Space is good.  It gives you time to really think about this person and the actions and to see if you really want a person like this for your mate. 

How are you doing aside from the relationship?  Structure is good.  Maintaining other connections etc.

[RickLI]

I just talked to a mutual friend and he talked to my ex. My ex told him I don't want to know if you hang out with him. Only tell me if he's in the hospital it his deathbed. To me that comes off cruel but my friend said it means he still cares.

He's going on vacation with this mutual friend may 1. A vacation I picked out and he's going to be a fifth wheel. I'm still stuck on thinkng about him 2 months after we broke up and I just can't seem to shake it. Our mutual friend is saying to wait till after this vacation to contact him.

But do I even bother? Does this just make me look desperate? Or to a person with BPD does this show them I still care and love them. It's so confusing.