AM I A BAD PARENT?

[Parents! Get help here!]

Hi,

I have been wondering if I am  really as bad a person as my daughter thinks I am. I am new to this site and have been reading a few of the posts.

My daughter was diagnosed with BPD a few months ago. I have always had a good relationship with my daughter. She moved away 2 years ago to study. During the time she has been living away at first things did not seem that bad. In the first few months she would make regular contact and come home quite often. Then the visits became few and far in between, but she would still call. Last year on mother's day she came home to in her words 'Give you a mother's day surprise present'. She left within hours of coming  home saying she had a lot of work and she wanted to just come home and surprise me so she would have to get back the same day.

I found out later that she had been in my home town for 2 days before mother's day. She had come to attend a friend's birthday party which just happened to be the day before mother's day. She had stayed the night at another friend's house.

Obviously that spoilt not only that mother's day for me but any more that might follow because the memory of that day will stay with me forever. I may be wrong to react in that way but I had been ill for about 18 months before that and she knew I had trouble even getting out of bed back then.

After that incident I caught her out in a lie and I must confess I was very angry. I had a marriage that was a lie in its totality. My stbx would lie to me about everything. She knows I have trouble accepting lies. To be lied to seems  to say to me that the person doing the lying thinks that I am an idiot and they want to pull the wool over my eyes, but I know I am not an idiot and it hurts.

At that time I cut off all ties with her and she followed by trying to commit suicide. Reluctantly I picked myself up and started talking to her although I did not put all my trust in her. I knew she was still lying to me. Following her attempt was when she was diagnosed with BPD. One good thing, maybe she was honest with the therapist because she was put on some medication,which would stabilise her moods.

She told me a few weeks after that that she had stopped taking her medication. She said she was better and didn't need to take medication any more.

Two months ago she called me and said she was in hospital and that she had broken her ankle as she had fallen the day before and was undergoing surgery that day. She insisted she did not want me to go to her and although she would need extensive care that she would make her way to my place so that she could recover. I tried my best to talk her into letting me go to her but she would not have it.

Two weeks ago she decided to go back to her place as she can move about a little with the help of crutches and she said she needed to get back to her studies and she also needed to book physiotherapy at a place that was closer to where she lives.

My ex drove her there and I went with them. Well the inevitable happened. She lied,her father tried to cover up for her and I lost it. I left the next morning and have not spoken to either my ex or my daughter for two weeks.

I read on a post on this site that someone said that the best way to cope with a family member who has BPD is to grieve and get over it like they were never there.

I have tried to do that but cannot seem to do it fully. I want to ignore her and talk to her at the same time. Every time I start talking to her I soon am reminded that this person is NOT my daughter. It seems I have lost my daughter and I am looking for her when I know very well that I am NEVER going to find her.

I am astonished that I cannot call her anything other than my daughter. I see on the boards that people refer to their loved ones in terms like dd or ds. I cannot FEEL any endearment towards her or maybe I am not letting myself feel anything.

Does that make me a bad parent? A bad person? I don't know.

[mama62]

Hi,

I have been wondering if I am  really as bad a person as my daughter thinks I am. I am new to this site and have been reading a few of the posts.

My daughter was diagnosed with BPD a few months ago. I have always had a good relationship with my daughter. She moved away 2 years ago to study. During the time she has been living away at first things did not seem that bad. In the first few months she would make regular contact and come home quite often. Then the visits became few and far in between, but she would still call. Last year on mother's day she came home to in her words 'Give you a mother's day surprise present'. She left within hours of coming  home saying she had a lot of work and she wanted to just come home and surprise me so she would have to get back the same day.

I found out later that she had been in my home town for 2 days before mother's day. She had come to attend a friend's birthday party which just happened to be the day before mother's day. She had stayed the night at another friend's house.

Obviously that spoilt not only that mother's day for me but any more that might follow because the memory of that day will stay with me forever. I may be wrong to react in that way but I had been ill for about 18 months before that and she knew I had trouble even getting out of bed back then.

After that incident I caught her out in a lie and I must confess I was very angry. I had a marriage that was a lie in its totality. My stbx would lie to me about everything. She knows I have trouble accepting lies. To be lied to seems  to say to me that the person doing the lying thinks that I am an idiot and they want to pull the wool over my eyes, but I know I am not an idiot and it hurts.

At that time I cut off all ties with her and she followed by trying to commit suicide. Reluctantly I picked myself up and started talking to her although I did not put all my trust in her. I knew she was still lying to me. Following her attempt was when she was diagnosed with BPD. One good thing, maybe she was honest with the therapist because she was put on some medication,which would stabilise her moods.

She told me a few weeks after that that she had stopped taking her medication. She said she was better and didn't need to take medication any more.

Two months ago she called me and said she was in hospital and that she had broken her ankle as she had fallen the day before and was undergoing surgery that day. She insisted she did not want me to go to her and although she would need extensive care that she would make her way to my place so that she could recover. I tried my best to talk her into letting me go to her but she would not have it.

Two weeks ago she decided to go back to her place as she can move about a little with the help of crutches and she said she needed to get back to her studies and she also needed to book physiotherapy at a place that was closer to where she lives.

My ex drove her there and I went with them. Well the inevitable happened. She lied,her father tried to cover up for her and I lost it. I left the next morning and have not spoken to either my ex or my daughter for two weeks.

I read on a post on this site that someone said that the best way to cope with a family member who has BPD is to grieve and get over it like they were never there.

I have tried to do that but cannot seem to do it fully. I want to ignore her and talk to her at the same time. Every time I start talking to her I soon am reminded that this person is NOT my daughter. It seems I have lost my daughter and I am looking for her when I know very well that I am NEVER going to find her.

I am astonished that I cannot call her anything other than my daughter. I see on the boards that people refer to their loved ones in terms like dd or ds. I cannot FEEL any endearment towards her or maybe I am not letting myself feel anything.

Does that make me a bad parent? A bad person? I don't know.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Elbry]

Every time I start talking to her I soon am reminded that this person is NOT my daughter. It seems I have lost my daughter and I am looking for her when I know very well that I am NEVER going to find her.

Does that make me a bad parent? A bad person? I don't know.

I don't think you are a bad person, you have just been through the wringer like the rest of us.  I quoted you b/c what you said really resonated with me.  It's like my daughter became someone else the summer she was 12.  I still get glimpses of her though and that makes it so hard.   :'(

[mama62]

Hi Elbry,

I think you are lucky you at least get glimpses of YOUR daughter in this person she has turned into.

Mine seems to have turned into someone with a heart of stone. Things just seem to go from bad to worse.

Earlier today she texted her brother to move himself out of her life. I don't know what else to do to help her.

[suchsadness]

Hi mama62 

I am sorry you are feeling like you may be a bad parent... . please don't.  I know it's hard not to, as I have felt that way many times based on the things my dd 36 has said to me and the way I feel towards her at times.  I too feel like she is someone I don't know and is definitely not the person she was earlier in life.  In the past few years my dd has done some of the same things as your daughter in her withdrawing from me and her family.  I believe she told her ex husband many, many lies about her abusive childhood and then had to treat me as if she hated me for her childhood - based on lies.  I first noticed something different a few years ago when she would have her boys call me but never talk to me on the phone herself.  Then she would let us take her boys to spend time with them when we visited from out of state but she wouldn't spend time with us herself.  Then she finally reached a point where she said I was dead to her - could not ever see her boys, etc.  She started up communication around her birthday and Christmas (my dh says to benefit from the gifts), but has since again cut all communication with me/us.  She is also no contact with her sister - who wouldn't go along with her lies about their childhood. 

Anyway - I hope you don't feel alone in your situation, as there are many of us who are going through the same thing.  It's hard not to feel like a bad parent when you are treated like one.  I have questioned myself so many times it's almost to a point of insanity.  With the help of a therapist and this board, I am feeling much better about the BPD situation... . please take care of yourself and stay connected to those of us who understand.   

[BioAdoptMom3]

Having a child with a mental illness is tough!  They cannot control their thoughts, emotions and behavior and all we can do once they reach adulthood is to let them know that we are there for them.  You have done that!  I know it is heartbreaking to "lose" your child in the stream of mental illness and I wish we could take away your pain.  It is so hard to not blame ourselves.  We all do it but we have to remember there is dysfunction in their brains and try our best to leave the guilt behind!