Busy-ness and lack of personal intimacy

[Samuel S.]

Lately, it has been basically the status quo with my BPDw. She is happy doing her thing and really busy and not allowing for any quality time at all with me. She focuses on her work and on her studies, and that is about it.

So, I have been mostly happy and somewhat busy with my own things, but it really backfired on me during the weekend. I am in charge of a big dinner with awards, etc. Of course, I do have some helpers, but the majority of the letters have been generated by me. I was really under a lot of stress, so much so that my blood pressure went really high. So, I took a break and felt somewhat better then.

Today, after this stressful weekend, I was supposed to work, but I was in no mood to do so. So, I cancelled my appointments, exercised, did some errands, and saw a movie. I felt bad in doing that, because I am a responsible guy, but I had to take care of myself. I feel better now, but I am a bit more tired still, but I should be okay by tomorrow after a good night's sleep.

Due to the lack of personal intimacy with my BPDw who is mostly gone, I really do not feel compelled to tell her how I feel. After all, like all of you have experienced, mine will say "oh" and change it so that the world revolves around her.

I really am venting about my need for personal intimacy, and while radical acceptance is needed, it most certainly is a challenge to practice, especially when I wish to really have someone who is going to be there to talk to and to relate. Sure, friends and other family members can fill the bill, so to speak, but I wish my SO was also here for me, but that isn't the case.

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[ziniztar]

Hi Samuel,

I really am venting about my need for personal intimacy, and while radical acceptance is needed, it most certainly is a challenge to practice, especially when I wish to really have someone who is going to be there to talk to and to relate. Sure, friends and other family members can fill the bill, so to speak, but I wish my SO was also here for me, but that isn't the case.

I feel for you, I think we're in the same phase. I would feel the same way you are doing - in fact I think it's happening right now. My dBPDbf even said to me once (when I got annoyed by his disinterest and wanted to get off the phone) "no no just stay on the phone and tell your stuff and then I'll say "ok" and that's how we do it." He doesn't get it that it's exactly that what bothers me.

I learned there that there that you can split up the need in two:

1) in having someone there to listen to you (you talking about your day/issue)

2) in having someone there that talks back and gives advice and support

To me, being able to do 1) already gives me a quite some comfort. Actually, a lot of people give unintended advice which can be quite annoying. He doesn't! He can't really relate to things, but I know he makes an effort. He sometimes asks questions to pretend he is really listening and even though I know he's not that interested, I'm ok with it. Most of the times.

I'm not sure if I'll be ok with it for the rest of my life, but I am hopeful that treatment (allmost 1,5 years and counting) will get him to a place where he actually has room in his head to show genuin interest. On good days, it's there, so there's potential for more.

I've come to think about this: radical acceptance is about accepting the situation as it is right now, it's not accepting that it will stay like this forever. Maybe if you look at it this way, you'll feel less trapped? (I sure do)

[Perez]

Samuel,

I can relate to your venting.  Earlier in our marriage my wife would actually ask me about my day and ask me to talk about things.  Although I could not put my finger on it at the time, it never was really satisfying.  In retrospect, the conversation always took a detour to her needs.  This was especially true if I wanted to discuss a concern with our marriage, that very quickly took a 180 turn.

Over the years even this "personal intimacy" has diminished.  So I have relied much more on God, my kids, and family for some of this support.  Only recently have I begun to let go on the resentment,  into Radical Acceptance of this is who she is and this is what my relationship is like.

I hope your situation turns out much differently than mine.

[ziniztar]

Earlier in our marriage my wife would actually ask me about my day and ask me to talk about things.  Although I could not put my finger on it at the time, it never was really satisfying.  In retrospect, the conversation always took a detour to her needs. 

I'm sorry for you Perez, I hope the acceptance has given you what you were searching for.

If you don't mind me asking, did your wife get treatment? I'm asking this because I somewhere hope my dBPDbf (who is in treatment by himself) will maybe change a little bit in the far future. I'm ok with this now but I wouldn't want this to be like this all our lives...

[Perez]

zinzitar,

We have been to several rounds of counseling with different counselors over the years, my wife has had some private counseling as well.  We have also tried a marriage intervention program, Retrouvaille, which interestingly promotes many of the same concepts that are on this forum.

No formal treatment, nor really any attempt.  You are well ahead of the curve in that respect, which gives you some hope for a better outcome.