Grieving the losses

[Peaceinthehome]

I probably have posted on the "loss" topic before.  It has been very painful for me to realise that although my daughter has the intellectual capacity as well as the charm/personality necessary to survive in this world with some quality of life, she actually is emotionally so incapable and her self esteem is so low that it trips her up constantly. It hampers her ability to form relationships and she cannot be a team player. Right now a brilliant opportunity she has been given is going down the toilet becasue she cannot be a part of her assigned team.  Mental illness is tough tough tough. I am sad for her becasue she may never achieve her full potential, and that just breaks my heart.  The slow death of my dreams for her and the realisation that my expectations of her are probably too high, is hurting very much right now.  It is a bitter pill to swallow to know that my child is different, in fact I have a son who has ADD and many BPD traits as well, who is currently in rehab.  The losses weigh heavily today. May I reach the freedom of acceptance soon. It has come and gone over the years.  Just when I think I have made my peace, my hopes climb and then always the crash... . resulting in me fighting with reality again... . Grief is so tiring.  Thanks for listening

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[jeb]

I really get your grief over losses.  Sometimes I think that I feel as though I am grieving figuratively the "death" of my dd25 who has bulimia, OCD, ADD and depression and anxiety.  Although she has persevered and will be in 4th year nursing next year, I wonder how she will handle what is a really stressful profession and if she can actually work a full-time job as a nurse.  She constantly has stated how depressed she is and how she wishes she would just not wake up in the morning.  No matter how much I help and support her emotionally it is never enough or the right kind of help. I am proud that she has made it this far but what about the future?

She is also adamant (has never had a boyfriend because she has set the bar so high that no one could possibly meet her expectations) that she will have a child on her own.  She has mentioned this several times and my ex says not to pay attention to it but my dd is very stubborn.  I don't want to think about her trying to juggle a full-time job (if she can get one because nurses are having trouble finding jobs in Ontario, Canada), and be a single parent on top of that.  I always try to push that thought out of my head because I know that scenario would be a disaster with her extensive list of mental health issues.  We grieve the losses because when our children were born we had such hopes for them and then this horrible illness rears its ugly head and hope turns to despair.

[jellibeans]

Dear Peaceinthehome

I really understand what you are saying and I think it is very common to have to regroup and reassess the situation... . I sometimes feel like I am constantly setting the bar lower for my dd16 but I think that is a good way to look at it. It is my expectations that are really hurting her... . she is doing the best she can right now and I am sure your dd is too... . it just might take a bit longer for her to meet her goals but they have to be her goals and not yours. I have done this many times where I see improvement and get my hopes up... . I think it is important to try and stay in the middle... . not too excited when things go well and not too down when things fall apart. Stay hopeful and stay positive... . take the time to be sad then move on  

[peaceplease]

Peaceinthehome

I can understand about grieving the loss.  I grieve that my dd and I will never have the close relationship that I dreamed of when she was a baby.  I have a son with some NPD traits.  I believe that my ex husband (father of my kids) has NPD/BPD.  However, my son seems to really have grown up.  My ex MIL is no longer available to enable him.  

I think it is normal to be sad every now and then.  As long, as we don't stay there.  Like jellibeans says, to stay in the middle of the continuum.(easier said than done)  I can understand getting excited that things are changing and then crash.  Just like my ds seems to be doing good, but I am cautiously optimistic.

[trytrytry]

Yes, the death of a dream.  I hear you loud and clear.  The only relief I get from my dissapointment and

sadness is when I not only lower my expectations, but when I can really trust that she is exactly where she should be. Through the lessons taught on this board and from Alanon, I get to that point from time to time.  Lord knows the lessons I've been learning about myself and the world that would not have come to me except through sharing my life with my lovely and unpredictable uBPDD28

[Reality]

I wonder too how much the trauma of caring for someone with BPD affects the person.  As time goes along, I see how profoundly traumatized I was watching my son struggle.  I thought then that it was like death.  It felt like I was dying, as well.  Now I realize that my thinking was not very clear as death is such a different experience than watching my son's chances ebb away.  That was horrific.  Death is quite different. 

Where there is life, there is hope.  Life can bring surprises of different kinds: brutality but also gifts of grace, miracles and profound change. 

I am not denying the nightmare quality of the grief as a child struggles to live.  Yet, I think it is important for me to say that death and the grief experienced is quite different than this other grief.  Even when my son was ill, there were many happy moments together.  Just being with him... .

Death is gone forever.  Very different.

I wish I had known this years ago. 

Reality

[jellibeans]

Reality. You put things in perspective for me. You are so right.

[qcarolr]

Reality - thank you for sticking with us here and sharing your experience; the greatest loss a mom can experience. There are many moments of good, even though tiny sometimes. These hold my over during the dark times. You have memories of these moments with your DS that you have graciously shared on this board. You are in my heart often.

Mostly by this point I am just worn down. Even though DD is doing OK right now I accept that the cycling pattern of her life will continue. She is in a place where I do not have much access to do things for her, and she has stepped up to be the most organized I have ever seen. I am at a new place, separate from her in a deeper way. I think I am also at a deeper place of acceptance that she is who she is and will do what she does. I have no choice but to let go of my illusions of any control in her life. Yet I know in my core that a connection with her is a requirement in my life.

qcr

[Reality]

Just listened to Dr Perry Hoffman, President of NEA-BPD... . she highlights the burden for families including deep grief... . and trauma... . based on research... . very validating of families... . thought it might be helpful for those reading this thread... .

www.wdl27.streamhoster.com/video4nea/michigan/FC_Intro_Hoffman.mp3

Reality

[LAHdedah]

For many of us who grieve over our pwBPD there is the added burden of grieving alone.  There are no ceremonies or funerals, few words of comfort, no loving memorials and frankly few pleasant memories.  Few understand the devastating affect BPD has not only on the sufferer, but the rest of the family.  Many dismiss it all as "teenage rebellion" and when it becomes obvious that more is at play here, they put it down to poor, invalidating parenting or an obnoxious brat gone wrong.  I would be angry except I remember a time before BPD when I had no idea what BPD was or how to deal with it.  Even today I often struggle trying to understand.  I guess I thought if I just loved her that would be enough to fix it all.     

[Peaceinthehome]

Hi everybody

thank you for your responses.

Its called disenfranchised grief  - grief where your grief is not really acknowledged by society.

Big hugs to you all

Today has been a better day

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[joolz29]

Thanks for mentioning disenfranchised grief Peaceinthe home - have read up about it and makes perfect sense to me! Thank you for giving what I feel a name! Glad you have had a better day today.