10 Miles away

[Kabooma]

Saw it coming.  The BPDw has been sabotaging her job for two months... I couldn't believe they hadn't fired her.  Constant call-outs, getting upset with co-workers and asking to leave (and leaving early without permission).  But finally I guess since she couldn't get herself fired, she quit.

I've seen her go on these whirlwind downslopes before, and it's usually several weeks long, constant conflict and splitting, a few zen moments, followed by worse splitting.  She wraps herself in a cloak of despair, depression, and crazy self-validation attempts, all which are costly- like wanting to go to a trade school, or some other life-changing event that usually costs a fortune that we don't have.  Especially when she can't hold a job for more than a few months at a time.  Of the last 15 years, her active employment might add up to 3.

So in these downspins, she will come to me and start on about something, like wanting to do something expensive and unrealistic (keeping it vague for the sake of anonymity), and I know she wants me to be supportive and just say yes.  She would also want me to take care of it for her.  She will do nothing herself.  For instance, if she wants to go to trade school, she will tell me and expect me to sign her up, pay for it, everything.  She's so dependent and does nothing for herself.  I learned long ago that by the time I'm done signing her up, she's already found a way to split against it, and again the world hates her and is out to make her miserable.

So I keep derailing my own train of thought here... but as I was saying, she comes to me, then expects me to respond in a very exact way.  I just now used the SET.  Didn't even make it past the E.  Soon as I responded that I understood she wasn't happy with "issue of the day" and said that I understood her frustration... . it just wasn't what she wanted to hear, and she split on me.  I know what she wants to hear-  She wants me to validate her and agree 100% and agree without pause or speculation to give her what she wants, leave the sympathy for later.  She wants me to take action, and the only action that is satisfactory to her is what she wants.  Forget what we can afford, what we want vs. need; she only understands her needs at that moment, and if I'm not 100% with her, then I must be against her.

So anyways, I said I see where this is going.  And where it came from.  She has to know I'm terribly disappointed, and a bit peeved at her for yet another job fiasco.  This is her way or redirecting other problems onto me, so that the elephant in the room is forgotten.  She's smart enough to come up with this stuff, and stupid enough to think I haven't figured it out.  The BPD also plays in and now I'm the bad guy if I try to point out how any of this is her own fault or doing.

Even though I see it coming, know the routine, and know her games, I never seem to be able to overcome it.  It always ends with me eventually apologizing and taking ALL the blame for everything (and that's because it's sometimes just not worth it to fight), or me ending up in a lunatic rage from my own frustrations, and her claiming I'm obviously the one with the problem.  I guess in both cases, I'm always the one with the problem.

Sigh.

[In_n_Out]

My dBPDex(?) had/has employment issues (seems most do) as well.  Including temp assignments, she had a dozen jobs during our r/s.  At one point, she walked off a job that I had gotten for her after a couple of months.  I was so frustrated with her over it that I broke up with her.  Even though the intent was to send her a "wake up call" and we got back together just a couple of days later, that was really the final nail that (I believe) convinced her that she needs to start looking for soothing elsewhere.  She walked out on me for good (?) just a few months later.

I don't have any suggestions or answers for you, only sympathy for the situation.  I know how frustrating that it is.  Just as we would start to get ahead by putting money in to savings, she would quit her job and we'd fall behind again.  That all went on while trying to plan our wedding and looking to purchase a house (or at least look to rent a larger one).  It was so very frustrating.

[maxsterling]

Oh boy!  I can relate to your frustration!

Today, my BPDgf is going to turn down a job she was offered 3 weeks ago.  Her reasons are:  Doesn't feel like it pays enough, worried she will get stressed out, feels like it is dead-end, fear of failure.  This will be the second job she has turned down this year.  So in 1 year, she has taken two jobs that both ended before her contract was up with disagreements with co-workers/bosses, and two jobs she has turned down.  So, she decided this job was not what she wanted (the real reason is that I don't think she can handle the stress or knows what she wants), and yesterday spent the entire day filling out job applications    .  And, I am sure within two weeks she will be complaining about how she has no money, we will never have enough money, how I won't marry her because she has no job, feels bored, worthless, etc... .

We sat in couples T earlier in the week, where she explained to the T that she looks at her resume and gets depressed because it is an endless list of jobs she only had for a few months, all ending when she got into a screaming match with a boss.  She sees her graduate degree and feels shame that she hasn't done anything with it.  For me, a Non - makes no sense - so obvious that her career is up to her, but somehow she doesn't understand how she can work at this and create a different future.  All I an do is accept it.  I don't care if she works or not (she gets enough disability income to pay her bills).  What does frustrate me is when she comes after me for not earning more, making her issues my problem. 

[Kabooma]

Thanks for the sympathies- I guess for me the biggest problems I have with her are simply two things- one, that she blames me for everything in the end, splitting me black constantly, creating fights over stupid crap; and second, that she has some kind of entitlement feeling that the world, me included should bend over and take her crap.  The entitlement of course includes financial support not only for her survival, but for her constant wants. 

It wouldn't even chap me so bad if she ever followed through with anything.  No hobby, education, not anything- has she ever followed through.  She got offered free college once at a major univerisity... she only had to pay for books.  She took 2 classes and dropped out of both within two months.  Most people would kill for that opportunity, yet, to her, it broke down to her teachers being out to get her, because they just hated her.  Every boss just hates her.  Every co-worker.  Everyone.  Even me, depending on the day.  Some days I wonder if I do really hate her.  Today is a good example.