Hurt again -how to respond

[lever.]

You may remember me posting about trying to rebuild my relationship with DD. I had a lot of great advice.

We are now low contact mainly re contact with GC, there is still a lot of distance.

I have not posted much recently as I suspect some of my messages have been read by someone who knows me but I need someone to talk to!

I e-mailed DD last night to ask if I can skype DGC next week and also to tell her that DH, her Dad is in hospital.

Got a reply: "yes you can skype. Youngest GC is being baptised on... . you can come.

Your d***head husband can come if he wants-after all he is their grandfather.

THEN "Oh,and change your will. If the w***er dies I don't want anything from either of you!"

Can't think of an immediate trigger, still angry over family fall-out, which was initiated by her own actions.

I am hurt and angry. I have valdated, empathised etc etc.

Do I just suck this up for the sake of keeping relationship with GC. At the moment they are my priority. I WAS concerned with building bridges with DD before this but have sympathy with the don't want to try thread at the moment.

DH, by the way had operation this morning and is okay for now.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[peaceplease]

lever,

I am sorry that you are hurt from DD's response.  IMHO, I would keep it low key.  I would only respond to the baptism news and ignore the rest of her message.

I am glad that your dh is stable.  Has your dd been in contact with your dh at all since family fall- out?  How long was that?  I know that my dd can hold grudges for a very long time. 

[lever.]

I'm calming down now. The fall out was at Christmas. It was initially between DD and her sister but we got pulled in. An unacceptable action on part of DD started it all off.

She feels that we took her sister's part DH more so than me. Its complicated!

DH hasn't spoken to her since Christmas, I have worked on rebuilding my own relationship with DD and left everyone else out of it.

I think there is more to this. When DD was younger and used to have tantrums etc DH wasn't at all validating and would yell at her.

When she was a difficult teenager he avoided her, although he has given a lot of practical support and fished her out of messes. He is very reliable but not good at emotional support eg if I ever cry I'm told to get a grip.

I think they have been a poor match and she holds resentment.

I also think she feels I didn't stand up for her enough. I WAS a bit of a wimp.I thought at the time I was doing right to attempt to smooth everything over.

This recent argument has triggered a lot of hurt from the past. However the actual incident at Christmas began with her doing something quite nasty

Wish I could rewind. You are right. I will just invite him to baptism and not mention means of invitation. Sadly I think her sister has been replaced as godmother and not invited. Slowly getting into wise mind, it was all the nasty swearing about someone who is currently ill that got me

[peaceplease]

lever,

I am sorry about your dd and her relationship with your dh.  My dh(step dad to my dd) is a lot like that. He is quite invalidating most of the time.  And, he has his good qualities that my dd overlooks. 

I am sorry about your dd being replaced as godmother.  It really gets complicated, doesn't it?

I always wish I can rewind.  It gets complicated when there are others that get mixed into it.  I have had a three ring circus when there is my dd, ds, and my dh!  They all can spout some mean things at each other. 

Will your dh be in hospital for awhile?  I know when I have someone in the hospital I tend to neglect myself.  I hope you are taking care of self.

[qcarolr]

lever - take care of yourself here. Your DH being sick and DD's response is such a huge trigger of past trauma's as her mom. I know how hard it is to access all the good tools I have inside when I am worn down and overwhelmed.

I too have tried to be the peace-maker between my DD and dh. My dh and I are doing better at supporting each other with both DD and gd (remember gd lives with us, DD lives elsewhere). He has gained a lot of validation at his work with a new boss and the needs of some big crises this past year. As he has gained a stronger core 'self', we are doing better with our girls. He is starting to express long hidden feelings about so much that has gone on in our life. His new boss also has a grown daughter that sounds like she may have BPD traits too. I do not feel so alone anymore.

There is another consideration. When I have been sick and in hospital, DD seems to abandon the family. I believe this comes from a place of great fear of abandonment that she projects onto the family she so badly needs. THis is a very common reaction in pwBPD. It is hard to find empathy for this when my own stuff in bubbling up. When I can, then I can accept these behaviors without internalzing them as much. Then I don't get quite so down about it.

Sounds like you are working through this. It still hurts - a lot.

Hope you can have some good time with your gc.

qcr

[lever.]

Thank-you qcr. Your wise insight is always appreciated. I'm back to reading the tools now and will have another look at Valerie Porr's book.

I just had a little blip about having to choose my words so carefully and validate the valid etc. whilst she is free to insult us all at will.

I also feel a bit awkward about going to baptism etc when other DD is excluded but will go nevertheless and continue to treat them entirely separately for now.

I sometimes feel I'm not good with boundaries, I hate her swearing at us in this way but I'm afraid to say so in case I rock the boat. If I say that I understand that she is angry but am hurt by the way she is expressing it I will open up the possibility of a big tirade about the past.

I think peaceplease's advice is the best way forward.