I want to bag up his stuff and lock the doors

[sweetheart]

I AM ANGRY ANGRY ANGRY TIRED AND WANT TO HURT HIM LIKE I FEEL HURT!

I've just come off the phone to him after phoning him to check he is ok as he ran off out of the house early evening - of course he's ok! He's with some scuzzy unknown drunks/addicts who started shouting down the phone with him - shouting be more like his wife...

I could scream and scream, he has been really dysregulated over the weekend, we spent the last two days with his mental health team putting together a really comprehensive plan of care and support, and yes I was the driving factor in getting it sorted, I felt really pleased for us as a family.

But oh no my dBPDh is not interested in any of this only that they messed up his prescription for codeine and he's withdrawing and  it's my fault. I shouldn't have spoken to the doctor. He's saying that I deliberately got it withheld aaarrgghh!

I want to pack up his stuff in black bags put it outside the door, text him to stay away until he can act like a husband and father and less like a crazy vile angry ___!

Am I allowed to vent like this and swear on here' I never do this, I only ever cry. If I don't vent I will text him in anger and that will just trigger more chaos. Oh I can't believe he can keep on creating this much chaos even when for the first time in about a year his team took things seriously.

BPD, codeine addiction, mental illness and no insight = help me help me  :'(

[Banshee]

Oh my ,my heart goes out to you... I'm so sorry your feeling so bad... I'm not married to this illness and have no idea what your going through... Just wanted you to know I hear you and hoping someone soon will respond with better advice ...

[sweetheart]

Thank you Banshee for acknowledging my post. I really hope I get some responses from the members. I am thinking, finger hovering over the BOOK NOW as to whether to go with our son after school tomorrow and have a weekend away. Last weekend was hell I have a feeling this one is going to be worse. FOG is stopping me from pressing the BOOK NOW button, how is that so? How can I be scared to go away for a weekend without him?

I desperately need some time to think, I want to do things differently, I want to step back and stop rescuing him from all the chaos, I want to go swimming again, I want some semblance of a life back for me... . FOG FOG FOG

I'm going to sleep now it's the early hours of morning here in UK fingers crossed for some advice.

[froggy]

sweetheart... . so sorry you are going though this... when it's bad... It's usually really bad.

It makes you feel like your losing your mind.

If you can afford for you and your son to get away... . I say go.

In the words of my daughter when I worry if he's going to get mad... . "Mom... . what's the difference... HE'S ALWAYS MAD"

The time out of the FOG is priceless.

If you can get out of the fog and experience some sunshine in your lives.

[sweetheart]

One of your lovely members pm'd me this morning, so I woke up to a message saying "book that holiday" so I did. My son and I go this afternoon once he has finished school. I want to just leave and say nothing because I feel so angry and upset, but I will let him know we are going away for a few nights.

He didn't come home last night which is his usual pattern of behaviour if he is majorly dysregulated, but I didn't keep trying to contact him to ask him to come home. That's my usual pattern of behaviour.

What struck me this morning on my way back from the school run was how overwhelmed I felt to wake up to that one message. It made me realise that there is no kindness or tenderness in my life at the moment and the bits that are thrown my way are so small and so few I desperately scrabble around for them like a starving animal when they come my way. Is that what keeps me with him. I know I am terrified of being on my own with my son, I worry that I will die and my son will be the one who finds me because there is no one else and then what will happen to my darling boy? So the scraps of love, fear and isolation, and lack of money keep me stuck, keep me here and nothing ever changes including me.

I am hoping these few nights away will strengthen my soul ... .

[Banshee]

[quoteOne of your lovely members pm'd me this morning, so I woke up to a message saying "book that holiday" so I did.][/quote]
This is wonderful so happy for you. I'm sorry I couldn't help more but yesterday was my first day here... Please let us know how your trip went!

[froggy]

I know I felt the same way when my kids were young ... the fear of doing it on your own.

Think about it... you ARE doing it on your own now! Just with a mentality ill person in tow.

In hindsight ... I really should have taken the step and left when my kids were young.

My son became the target when my H lost his job and I had to go to work.

He now has a ton of mental issues from the damage done while I was not there to step in and protect him.

I'm 33 years on this roller coaster and the longer your on the harder it is to get out.

Save yourself... . save your son.

Enjoy your time out of the fog... you've forgotten what life without crazy is like.

[sweetheart]

Well am here now have been swimming and am now sitting doing this while my son plays tag with a load of other kids

My husband is still 'missing' last contact was last night I have phoned him through the day but no answer. I have turned my phone on silent though but it is hard not to know what is happening with him.

I can't believe I got away I think my son is more surprised than I am. There is an absence of dread and tension in me and its been a long time since I felt that way.

[Banshee]

I'm so proud of you! It is so hard to  get up and go like that,,and you did it! There needs to be a like button because I really wanted to like your last post... hope ya'll have a blast!

[sweetheart]

Thank you all so much - am at a disco with my son and he just won the dance competition hurray!

We never do things like this because my husband is too paranoid and aggressive and I am on tender hooks, so we just stay in doors.

I won't post anymore unless my head messes up early hours of the mornings.

Thank you thank you - I feel so normal id forgotten what this feels like 

[sweetheart]

Hi I needed to post as he keeps phoning, probably when he came home he realised we'd gone away for real. I phoned him in response, I was glad he was safe, but I was conflicted, doing things differently is new to me. If I ignore him does it make me petty and cause more conflict? I've never gone away before. I am trying to do things differently as I remain undecided still, and if I decide to stay I want this to make a difference. Is LC for when you need to disconnect totally?

I'm having a really lovely time with my son but it is hard to just not think about things - I suppose I am asking should I bother to respond to his texts and calls. I want to respond but I want to keep it low key, really I don't know what to do  this break is important to me, it breaks my pattern of behaving and responding ... . sorry if the post is a bit vague and waffly that's how I feel today

[Hudson]

Hang in there, I know it's hard, I can really relate to you and I can hear you anger and frustration pouring out. It's so hard when your son is still young. This break is perfect. You'll feel refreshed and it'll give you time to think and escape.  even if for a short space of time.

I found writing to my husband was good for me. He didn't even read them, but yours might. It's good to say how much you're feeling hurt and you really feel you need to change the situation etc. I told mine how much I loved him too. That my help.

I feel for you. It's so hard. My boys are in their early 20's now, makes such a difference when they grow up a bit.

Also know it's hard, but try not to think the worst, like if you die who'd be there for your son, you have to stay strong. Enjoy every moment of your holiday. You can't change others unfortunately; I learned the hard way too, so I worked on myself. Tried to look my best, rose above his crappy treatment (when possible), met really great friends for coffee when I could, escapism works, difficult as it is. 

All the very best.

HUDSON