Not quite trusting myself to be certain this time

[Southeast]

Hi all. This is my first post outside of the intro board.

Where do I start? I think I am mostly at the 'leaving' stage, but I have been in this place countless (50?) times over the past 3 years that I no longer trust myself to be done with it. I guess there is still 5% of me in complete denial that my uBPDXBF will never be a peaceful, healthy man. I finished it with him about 6 weeks ago. There was no contact for about a week. Then we took it up again, still acknowledging that we were not together any more, but we got back into the old habits again. We do not live in the same place so this is all phone contact.

We've been together for over a decade (the longest ever relationship for him). I was not healthy when I met him and didn't have the first clue about red flags. I thought any kind of attention was good attention.  :'( I spent the first 7 years believing his nonsense about me being evil and conniving, a cheat and deliberately up to no good. My self-worth took an even bigger beating than the ten years leading up to me meeting him. Luckily I had some friends who were modeling some great recovery with al-anon ('promotion through attraction' and even though my days with addicted qualifiers were mostly over, I went anyway, because I wanted some of what those friends had gotten for themselves. It worked. I have been getting healthier and stronger over the past 3 years, while the uBPDXBF has stayed the same of course. The help with my codependency also helped me deal with this mysterious mental state of my xbf.

The sad thing is, I can tell when he is trying. He really wanted to make it work. He really wanted to stop those things that were so upsetting to me, but it was as if I were explaining it to him in martian. He is a very intelligent guy, which also led to my denial that he wasn't capable of comprehending what was wrong, and what  nutso behaviors upset me so much. He isn't capable of understanding this. I know this now, thanks to what I have read here. It's utterly baffling that somebody so smart can be so unable to even entertain the shape of his own reality. But that is what I am dealing with here.

I'm still working on a codependency 12 step program, and from 20-30 years of finding sick men to hang out with, will happily work the steps the rest of my life.

Being here since yesterday has really helped me stay focused on reality while I miss the 'good times' (which over the past 6 years or so have always been clouded by those shoes getting ready to drop). I have gained a lot by reading (in astonishment) other people's stories that are EXACTLY like mine. That there are acronyms here for routinely hurtful and puzzling behavior he exhibits daily, just blows my mind. I wish I had found this place years ago.

To be fair to myself, I did google "Abandonment fears" back in the day, when we first started out, and it came up with BPD, but I didn't understand why it was called "Borderline Personality Disorder". I used to think it meant that he might have a problem, or he might not, we can't tell. Now I understand the origin of the name and I find it does match with the seriousness of living with this stuff every day. So I spent the next 7 years blaming myself and running around trying to fix 'us'.  :'(

So I'm hoping I'm done and that I get to post on the 'leaving' board in good conscience! But til then I will stay here.

[Southeast]

Gah! I'm such a gigantic loser!

He just broke 6 days of silence. I feel sick and happy all at the same time.

Talk about recycling. This is why I'm not ready for the leaving board yet.

[MissyM]

Hi, Southeast.  I totally understand not being ready to make a decision.  Al-Anon is a great place, I attend also.  Working on ourselves, I believe we will know when it is time to go. 

[Southeast]

Thanks, MissyM. I have this delusion that we can part as great buddies!    Yes Al Anon has really worked a charm. My entire family is made up of either alcoholics or codependents! Guess which one I am.

[MissyM]

My therapist disavowed me of that delusion.  She said that ending a relationship with a BPD is never going to be friendly because of their extreme abandonment issues.  Right now, things are looking up for us, so I am not planning on ending the relationship.  Keep working on yourself!  There is a lot of great info on this site.

[Banshee]

So how did it go with him breaking no contact? 

[maxsterling]

Thank you so much for posting this.  I, too am undecided, and its good for me to read other people's issues with making a decision.  I certainly can relate to the confusion.

For me, it may go good for a few days when I feel optimistic.  Then something happens to make me think that it will never work for the long term.  And I go back and forth and think I need to make a decision ASAP to save myself.  But then I realize what I need to do is step back, detach myself from the decision, and just enjoy today and enjoy her for who she is right now, and focus on what can help me be stronger.  The truth is, no matter what the ultimate fate of my r/s is, the anxiety over the decision is killing me, and no matter what happens I am not strong enough right now to deal with either "staying" or "leaving".  So, I focus how I can make my life better today, or this week, and try to not think about a few months or years from now.

[Southeast]

Banshee, I guess that'd be a FAIL at no-contact! 

I think I have decided on a strategy for myself though, and I could never have done this without finding myself again through the codependency work. I was such a chameleon/doormat that I had no idea what it was like to have ideas, thoughts and needs of my own. Well now I know what I need from this situation and how I can deal with it. I have enough serenity right now (she says ) that I feel like I can calmly and even lovingly walk away if I know what I can do doesn't match up with what will be demanded of me.

Thank you for the reply, Maxsterling. I understand how exhausting the perpetual uncertainty is. It stole all my energy and I spent most of the past decade in a fog, just from the uncertainty alone, and trying to run away from it.

Thanks for the reply Missy. I am going to go read up some more about this illness now. I'm not sure what to call it though. Is it a syndrome, a disorder, a disease?

[MissyM]

It is a personality disorder.  Not a lot of fun to deal with but there is definitely hope for treatment.  Fruzzetti also has classes that he trains leaders in all over the country.  I was going to join one but I am going to wait until after I do this DBT program for couples with my dBPDh.  Not sure if I can post the website on here for the classes, so if you want the info send me a message.

[Southeast]

Thanks, MissyM. Well I'm not at the point of even having any conversation with him about this yet. I don't know how or whether to even talk to him about it. The first question of my flow chart in my head for my strategy on dealing with whether to stay or go, has been answered, so now I'm at the next point, which will be meeting with him and talking. I do love this guy, and am not going to issue ultimatums or make us staying together contingent upon any power struggle as to whether he understands he probably has BPD, or not. But that is the next issue. I know I am not willing or capable of being in the relationship with him, if he rejects out of hand that there is something 'wrong' with him, or that he needs to change or improve somehow. My next move is to read up some more about how to broach the subject with him. If general consensus is that I shouldn't even do that, then I will have to walk away from this. I have no interest in fighting through this relationship if it's only me doing the changing. We are not married and don't have kids. I have been doing a lot of work on myself and it's not really enough, and I still felt like I was dragging all the baggage from everybody at the airport around with me. I don't want to be missing my life. I want to be living it.

[Southeast]

Wait... . let me clarify that (I couldn't see how to edit my post - maybe I don't have user permissions yet).

I am not going to issue ultimatums to him out loud if it sounds like he is unwilling to entertain any kind of help. He does seem very sad at our break up and totally beaten down. This is all so difficult and I know it'd be easier on me if I just walked away. But now that I have found all this info I at least feel like I owe him an apology for having expected him to do and react in ways he is simply not capable of.

[In_n_Out]

Thank you so much for posting this.  I, too am undecided, and its good for me to read other people's issues with making a decision.  I certainly can relate to the confusion.

For me, it may go good for a few days when I feel optimistic.  Then something happens to make me think that it will never work for the long term.  And I go back and forth and think I need to make a decision ASAP to save myself.  But then I realize what I need to do is step back, detach myself from the decision, and just enjoy today and enjoy her for who she is right now, and focus on what can help me be stronger.  The truth is, no matter what the ultimate fate of my r/s is, the anxiety over the decision is killing me, and no matter what happens I am not strong enough right now to deal with either "staying" or "leaving".  So, I focus how I can make my life better today, or this week, and try to not think about a few months or years from now.

This is sage advice.  Thanks for posting it.

[Banshee]

Hoping your vacation is going great! Have a blast and be careful!