Remaining away but in the BIG IF STAGE

[outside9x]

HI

Without going thru a lot of history I was with my BPD over 2 years.  We are in our 60's  she is hot, with the many surgeries etc, and has no freinds, and doesn't want to see anyone in her family, except her 3 kids.  She hates her Brothers & sisters, and Father included.

So, I got a case of the IFS and think I should go back after not seeing her after one year but texting here and there.  5 months she pleaded fro me to come back said she realized she treated me like ___ and she was a real b___ and awful to me.  I was suppose to meet her , but called her back and told her I couldn't .  I was afraid becasuse this happenned before, and she just reverted back to who she is and worst.  .  Now she is a relationship with a rich guy few years younger , (something she was used to before) married 3 times, engaged 4.  That's how she got her money!

BUt here what I am wondering.

Many rages and fights, and she broke up with me several times over the stupidest stuff, some that never happen and loved  to demean me and make me feel bad and then I was the one apologizing.  On some occassion I did well, and would just walk out of her house and say it's not worth the fight.  Other times I would just get defensive after being constantly attacked, sometimes, though I would laugh and said, even in court they can't try you over and over for the same thing.  Let it go! I never yelled!

She could be very cruel , and the last straw was I caught her on a dating site (we wer exclusive, though she was seeing less and less of me-hint hint) and she refused to get off by saying , know one tells me what to do or say and I haven't dated anyone.   It broke my heart and told me how little she cared for my feeling and us.  Treated me like ___, so I left then and there  and then months later wanted me back . 

Anyway, what I lacked was setting boundaries with her.  TO sit down and just said, to make this a loving relationship, neither one should tolerate this or that and if it continues, then we have no relationship.

So, am I am just dream and tormenting myself with the if's here.  I know being a BPD (she 62) she pretty much set in her ways, and I know she would challenge that of course, but would she , could she  eventual abide by that, or am I just dreaming that she really cares and blaming myself for not doing this or that.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey outside, If I hadn't read your last paragraph I might have thought you were setting forth reasons to leave the r/s.  Maybe you could re-read it yourself?  Unsure why you are entertaining the idea of a recycle.  Why are you considering it?  LuckyJim

[outside9x]

HI Lucky Jim,

I am jsut missing her, even though I am with another.  Just feeling if , an I know, she the one causing al lthe conflicts and heart aches , that I used these tools better maybe it would be better for "US", as I said, the IF's are killing me.  I ma not blaming myselkf so much, but I understand her fear of abandoment etc, and I guess, missing the attraction, and times, and how she made me feel when things were good!

Thanks

[outside9x]

Oh, I left the relationship. I am thinking of tryign again,. crazy I know because I done that 7-8 times.  I haven't seen her in a year, and she is with another. 

Thanks

[Lucky Jim]

Hello again, outsider,

Well, only you know what is right for you.  I will say, however, that many of us here were in much longer relationships with our BPD Exes (in my case, a 16-year marriage), so we don't have the "What Ifs" because we have already used the tools and tried as hard as we could for as long as we could, until the tank was on empty.  In my view, most BPD relationships are not built for the long haul, but it took me a long time to find that out!  LJ

[outside9x]

Hi, At 63 years of age, I wouldn't mind some crap of course but at this stage, I would hope for a peaceful relationship.  I know she would not be cured etc, I was just hoping maybe to keep them less volatile and fewer between .  Again, I am probably dreaming and wishing she be that way. 

It's almost like I am taking the whole relationship (and responsibility) on my back because she a BPD knowing she can't change.  Wants and desires can be terrible things. 

I can remember, and this happened more then a few times, were we would be at a restaurant loving , holding hands and she would then suddenly go off and we would have to rush to get out of there.  Crazy I know!

[Lucky Jim]

It's almost like I am taking the whole relationship (and responsibility) on my back because she a BPD knowing she can't change.

Right, why are you taking on all the blame?  Probably because it seems easier if you are the bad guy.  You seem aware that your r/s with your BPD SO involved craziness, yet nevertheless you want to jump back in the toxic soup.  I wonder why?  Maybe it's a case of absence making the heart grow fonder?  Are you intentionally omitting all the negative memories?

I know these are tough questions.

LuckyJim

[outside9x]

Hi Lucky Jim,

Yes, I remember, at times but don';t recall the full sting, and then sometimes I do and remember how bad I felt one day being loved and then the next day, being punished. Walking on eggshells, not wantingto say anything to offend, or any difference of opinion.  SHe the QUEEN!

  I need to concentrate on that.  She got so mean and flip with me so many times like I was dirt beneath her feet.  She treated me badly and never apologized and then 2 days later acted like nothing happen.

SO now, I starting to think from my side.  COuld I ever do that to another person, yet one I love, and expect that they would still love me, and never even apologize?  I wouldn't expect anyone to stay, and I just couldn't treat anyone like that, but then I feel sorry and say they don't mean it, they suffer to, it's their illness.  Oh they do apologize once you leave them sometimes, or just call you back lovingly and ask for you to make love to them.  Its cruel, and controlling. They use theirtools well, and tell you how you are everything to them, and lure you with there reshape body.   It's pure evil!

What the heck am I thinking.  It just she was so gorgeous and sexy, and made me feel so bloated and great.  That's the probelm, and then with someone cute and normal, I don't feel it, but I do remember vacations and she was not a lot of fun unless she was drinking and smoking and doing Xanax. 

I need my head examine. 

[Southeast]

Hi Outside. Hang in there. Perhaps it'd help you to read through some of the 'undecided' posts that chronicle almost mirror-image scenarios of the awful things you have experienced in your r/s with your exBPD. I know for me whenever I slide back into a massive "What if" phase, reading other people's stories here has helped me remember those terrible, mind-bogglingly unnecessary contentious moments in my relationship. The ones I definitely did not deserve. The ones I can't do anything about except ride them out. It helps me to remember how absolutely sick to my stomach and dejected I felt that this person I put all my trust in, could turn around and treat me so badly, and seemingly never remember or even acknowledge that he had verbally and emotionally attacked me for something as trivial as walking 20 feet away from him at X moment.

I have gone back and read all my whiny emails to friends about these baffling episodes in my r/s. But it helps to get new reminders of things I'd blocked out of my memory because they are such painful memories. It's painful to remember, but it's painful to jump right back in again!

[Lucky Jim]

reading other people's stories here has helped me remember those terrible, mind-bogglingly unnecessary contentious moments in my relationship. The ones I definitely did not deserve.

Like what you are saying there, Southeast.  LJ