cut off

[co.jo]

Well after several months of negotiations with my daughter, she ended up yesterday telling me that there would be no more contact between us. I know she means it, she hasn't talked to her dad in years. I will not be there to see her get her university degree next month, and she will be moving and I will not even know where she is. I am heartbroken. I tried to talk to her many times about her supposed "boundaries". which were really 4 impossible demands-including I should have weekly therapy for my issues, and somehow magically make her siblings accept her. I consulted with a BPD specialist for $200 and used every skill I could think of.She cannot move from her position, and since I cannot validate the invalid, which is her version of history, or spend $$$$on therapy when all areas of my life are healthy,she has told me goodbye.

So ironic after all the years I stuck by her, tried to get help, put up with abuse of every kind, etc, etc, SHE is the one to say no more. I am trying to remind myself that the things I did helped her be the functioning person she is now, and without my support she would not have made it this far. But I miss her so much, no real contact since last July, and I feel such grief.

Those of you who think you would be better off with no contact , beware-it feels terrible.

Thanks to all of you here for your advice over the last months. Looks like I won't be needing it any more.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[mom2bpd]

  I'm so sorry that you are going through such grief.  These stories are all so similar, and the uBPDs seem to have no idea that we are the last thread of family that they have.  They don't even seem to know it.  I feel for you and know that this must hurt.  They are only aware of their own feelings and try to ignore yours and everyone else's.  Hang in there, and do what makes you happy.  This is the advice that I received on these boards.  ":)o what makes you happy because no matter what you do they are still mentally ill, and you don't know what to expect from them".  Hopefully, she'll come back around one day when she realizes that it was nice to have family that cared about her.

[lever.]

Oh co-jo, I am so sorry.

Having been in a similar situation at the same time, trying to carefully re-establish contact I found your advice really helpful.

It feels so unfair when you have made so much effort to do and say the right thing.

It is like a bereavement that feels even worse because they have made a choice about it.

Our DC sometimes see the past through a distorted lens

and I think she is trying to hurt you for what she perceives as rejection whilst conveniently forgetting the context in which you had to make decisions.

They do tend to edit out their own part in any conflict (eg with siblings).

However , where there is life there is hope and at some time in the future she may start to see thing differently and start to miss you.

Sometimes it feels very cruel and I myself feel a growing sense of detachment from my DD who I loved so much.  It is all so sad.

Have you considered writing a final letter to her saying that you love her and will always be available if she changes her mind about talking to you? Also that you have no influence over the responses of her siblings and can only act for yourself.

Then treat yourself as someone who has just experienced one of the worst possible bereavements and if people in "real life" don't understand the depth of your distress come on here and talk to us

[SCM]

co-jo,

I'm going through the same kind of situation with my BPD daughter. She doesn't want to have anything to do with me or her brother. She doesn't respond to my emails nor telephone calls- she doesn't even pick up and I leave a message that she does not respond. Is a way of telling me "I don't want you in my life". She has 3 children whom I haven't seen or heard for 18 months now. It is so painful.

Co-jo don't lose faith."Of all persecution the hardest to bear is variance in the home, the estrangement of dearest earthly friends" EGW

Keep waiting and praying and knocking on heaven's doors. There will be an answer.