Rage, Frustration, Sadness...

[Turkish]

Background for those new: uBPDx. 6 year r/s, two children DD2 and DS4. She cheated, and then continued to do so and all but throw the r/s in my face for the 4 months it took me to get her out of my house with minimal drama.

Shortly after she left my house, she introduced my replacement (a narc man-boy young enough to be my son--- I'm 11 years older than her, he 8 years younger than her).

DS4 started acting out recently to me. Wanted to stay with me. Could be normal, but I suspected. Today, she told me she has been having big problems. I was calm on the phone, and elicited that he flat out didn't want my replacement at her apartment, said, "I want daddy here!":)oesn;t want to be at her apartment anymore.  Apparently, she had been inviting him for dinner and the like. Referring to counseling. I still need to be the Parent, as I can't trust her. Typical BPD evasion "I know I made a mistake... . " like she said about her affair, as if it happened once and didn't continue. Typical splitting and black and white thinking. Said she explained to DS4, and I said you have to think like a 4 year old, he doesn't get it.

After I hung up, getting her to agree that I will call our/my T for advice, rather than our HMO (you get what you pay for), I wept in the car out of rage, frustration and sadness. For about a block. I know what I need to do now more than ever, and I can't trust her to parent the kids without some type of guidance from me (which is why I didn't get overtly angry, since she still takes in put from me about the kids).

Update:  Kids getting to bed late as we went to a friend's house after I picked them up.  My T might say "you are still trying to rescue her from the consequences of her unwise choices." I'll update as soon as I hear from him. Like the cheating, her remorse over this sounded insincere, or... . detached, like she was talking about some other family. Is that a form of dissociation? Perhaps. I know she loves them, in her way, and I am somewhat proud of her for at least keeping her love attachment away (which probably starts the countdown to the end of him, since he was just as desperate for validation as she was). She told me they didn't hug or touch in front of the kids, but having him at their dinner table... . she just doesn't get it.

We'll see how it goes at our daughter's party tomorrow. I know she feels guilt, possibly even some shame over this, but as with pwBPD, it's centered around her, rather than those she hurt or is hurting by her choices.

[coolioqq]

Turkish, you have made great progress so far in establishing your boundaries while making sure that you are there for the kids, like a true dedicated father you are. Keep going. Crying is an important part of acknowledging your feelings around the entire situation, but you are handling it all like a man. It is tough to see your son torn by the situation. You need to remain strong to set an example for him. You also need to remain calm because doing otherwise will not help the situation. We both know that criticizing pwBPD usually goes nowhere and makes things worse.

Be clear about wanting the best for your children, acknowledging their needs for both their biological parents as they are growing up. But also try to be cautious as to how you position yourself in this as you know they are unpredictable. Your T should have some strategic advices for you. And the CP board is probably a better place for further discussion on this - I am sure you are in numerous company here.

As always, we are here to support you in any way we can. Just as you did and continue to do with many of us here!

Keep strong, He will find a way to make it work in your children's favor. You're all in my prayers, man.

[Turkish]

Talked to a buddy tonight and updated him. At the end, he told me there was a picture of all four of them on FB. This makes me feel incredulous, like she has no clue as to what she is doing, and exposing herself publicly on what type of person she is. He said she got only one "like"

My kids are ok. My son asked me right away if he could sleep in my bed. I conceded tonight though I've been trying to keep him in his own bed mostly.

[coolioqq]

Talked to a buddy tonight and updated him. At the end, he told me there was a picture of all four of them on FB. This makes me feel incredulous, like she has no clue as to what she is doing, and exposing herself publicly on what type of person she is. He said she got only one "like"

My kids are ok. My son asked me right away if he could sleep in my bed. I conceded tonight though I've been trying to keep him in his own bed mostly.

I'd ask the T for an advice or a resource on how to help your children adjust well to their mother's new relationship and the entire situation. I am glad to hear your kids are doing ok, but childhood and, later, adolescence are critical stages in development (BPD would not exist otherwise), so it's better to be on the safe side.

And don't forget yourself in all of that - make sure you're taking care of yourself, your kids need you!

[DreamFlyer99]

Such a key point, Turkish:

I know she feels guilt, possibly even some shame over this, but as with pwBPD, it's centered around her, rather than those she hurt or is hurting by her choices.

That was such a hard thing for me to get hold of initially, that even if the words were coming at me, they weren't really about me!

You're doing a great job, staying on top of any behavior changes with the kids, grieving as needed, nurturing when needed... . it's a big job, but you're tackling it.

[livednlearned]

Do you think S4 might benefit from seeing a child therapist? I've heard of kids as young as 4 doing play therapy with counselors, often with their siblings, so they can get learn to manage the angry feelings and understand the hurt that's going on underneath.

How is S4 doing with peers? Is he in a preschool program?

Since kids have different temperaments, and process anger different depending on their age, not to mention your ex experiences BPD in a different way than mine -- I'm not sure this applies to your situation. But my experience is that the anger kids feel is pretty persistent but changes how it gets expressed over time. Your son may be able to hold it together with you, but becomes defiant or flooded with frustration when he's around peers. He might act out with his mom, and be withdrawn with you. This could all change when he starts school and there are hours and hours of rules and limits he has to follow, and that can trigger some big stuff in kids who feel like things are out of control in one part of their life.

Also, your son is probably sensing the anger you feel. My experience is that kids are more tuned into this than we think. S12 learned to read my feelings as a way to gauge how bad things were. I wonder if your son would benefit from hearing you say how you feel, and how you are trying to deal with stuff (if you haven't already). A different kind of validation, since if he senses you being angry, but it would be confirmed if you discussed it. If he knows you're angry too, but have some tools you're using to manage that anger, it might make him feel like his role model is able to manage these out-of-control feelings in ways he can do too.

It's good that your son is telling you how he feels, and that he feels safe enough to say it. That says a lot about you.  

[Turkish]

Do you think S4 might benefit from seeing a child therapist? I've heard of kids as young as 4 doing play therapy with counselors, often with their siblings, so they can get learn to manage the angry feelings and understand the hurt that's going on underneath.

How is S4 doing with peers? Is he in a preschool program?

Since kids have different temperaments, and process anger different depending on their age, not to mention your ex experiences BPD in a different way than mine -- I'm not sure this applies to your situation. But my experience is that the anger kids feel is pretty persistent but changes how it gets expressed over time. Your son may be able to hold it together with you, but becomes defiant or flooded with frustration when he's around peers. He might act out with his mom, and be withdrawn with you. This could all change when he starts school and there are hours and hours of rules and limits he has to follow, and that can trigger some big stuff in kids who feel like things are out of control in one part of their life.

Also, your son is probably sensing the anger you feel. My experience is that kids are more tuned into this than we think. S12 learned to read my feelings as a way to gauge how bad things were. I wonder if your son would benefit from hearing you say how you feel, and how you are trying to deal with stuff (if you haven't already). A different kind of validation, since if he senses you being angry, but it would be confirmed if you discussed it. If he knows you're angry too, but have some tools you're using to manage that anger, it might make him feel like his role model is able to manage these out-of-control feelings in ways he can do too.

It's good that your son is telling you how he feels, and that he feels safe enough to say it. That says a lot about you.  

Thanks... . I have a great r/s with both kids. Due to his birthday recently passed, he can't get into preschool i until the fall. He's been sight reading for a while, knows numbers and I've started him counting up to a hundred, knows some geography, so the academics aren't an issue. She works in education, I'm an engineer. Emotionally, he is very good with other kids, almost to the point of being naive.

I've been taking him to Sunday school since early September. Never heard of a problem. Quite the opposite.

Never seen anger with other kids. He actually let's himself be dominated by other kids sometimes. Took him to the park today, and he hooked up with some random girl and after a half an hour, I noticed hem holding hands... . doh!

He got along with his mom at the party yesterday. I was glad. Tonight, he hinted to me he didn't want to go back tomorrow though. I will have to see how it goes this week. His mom and I are open enough at this point that she should tell me if he is still angry. Hopefully, she will keep the guy away now, but I wouldn't be surprised if she tries to bring him back at some point. I will not help her if she is foolish enough to try.

I'll see what my T says when he calls me back on how we should proceed... their mom may alter her behaviors for now, being desperate to keep that r/s with her kids!, but I need to keep an eye on it. The fact that she posted on FB a picture of all four of them demonstrates how detached from reality she is.