Sibling relationships

[manicmuse]

Im wondering how many of you have other children? My BPDD is a middle child. Her younger sister is 8 years younger than she is. SHe has always been jelous of her, and when the youngest was teen and going through her rebellious stage, she was saying things to her like F*&^ MOm you dont have to listen to her etc. She used it to put a wall between the youngest and I. Thankfully that only lasted a few months and the youngest doesnt even like talking about it now. SHe manipulated her in so many ways at that time.

My other point is, I know Im a good parent beacuse the other two remeber a great childhood, even brag that they want their children to have the same life they did.

This really helps me to be strong.

My youngest doesnt ever want me to let the BPDD live with me again, she really is afraid shed hurt me if she could.

Why is it that we are the only ones who are always there and the ones they punish the most?

Tomorrow I plan on reading more info here, Im so glad I found you!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lever.]

Good to meet you Manicmuse.

My DDs relationship with her sibling has been one of the most difficult things for me to deal with. She alternately paints her sister golden and black and if there is any celebration where hr sister is the focus it is generally spoiled.

It is very difficult to keep validating DD without feeling that I am proverbially throwing her sister under the bus. Very awkward.

At least, as you say, having a good relationship with other DC who have fond memories of their childhood reassures us that we are not complete ogres!

This has been a wonderful resource to me for support and advice and I am sure you will find the lessons on the left a great help. I also found Valerie Porr's book extremely helpful.

I had previously read "Stop walking on Eggshells" before finding this site. It was good but Valerie Porr's book is specifically for parents.

Welcome! I hope you get as much from this site as I have done

PS I also find it difficult because her sister isn't willing to put the same energy into reading the tools etc as I am and sometimes reacts very emotionally (understandably, after all she isn't her Mum) but this makes things worse and I am uncomfortably in the middle

[manicmuse]

My youngest is a lot like me. We try not to get sucked into the drama.

She (the YD had her first child last year, and when she was in labor her father (my ex) said "we should call her sister" I said "NO she doesnt want her here until the birth shell just create drama that she doesnt need" He was angry at the decision but it wasnt his call.

After the birth we called her and I went and gotr her, sure enough, she wanted money she had no food etc etc.

We (my YD and I) were so glad we waited! LOL ANd the YD is going to read here also, even though yes I am much more kind about the entire thing than she is, she still doesnt give her the energy, thats how we put it, they will drain your energy if you let them.

[co.jo]

My 27 year old BPD daughter is the oldest of 5. The 2 youngest were less impacted by her behavior, and are still in contact. The other two have excised her out of their lives as if she never existed. They refuse to read or put any effort into understanding the illness. The BPD daughter has always felt like an outsider in the family since she went into foster care at 13 due to her violence. She cannot understand their viewpoint, and now because I am unable to create a scenario where everyone accepts her , she has cut off contact with me.

The advantage you have is that you have some resources that were not available 15 years ago, and a diagnosis. We had no idea what was wrong with our daughter, and no way to help her. If you can get your other kids on board with understanding and using some tools, things could turn out much better. My non BPD kids would like some acknowledgement from their sister of what she did to them growing up, but she takes no responsibility , of course, that is the illness. So there is no solutionfor us, but I hope things will turn out better for you.

[manicmuse]

Im sorry but their is always hoe. We did know she had problems but the diagnois came last year. Ive been winging it until now.

[Dutched]

Hi all,  jumped from the Leaving Board as I have an udBPD D22

As you writes, it feels terrible! After a let’s say 3 yrs still heartbroken, because of D22.

She left with HF-exBPDw (who in an outburst blew up +30 yrs r/s. / S19 lives with me  ) there was contact, but she minimised it. I arranged help, as I noticed she couldn’t coop with the situation, she only went a couple of times. Later she got “some kind of help” and visited me after a 8 months “for therapeutic reason’s” 

… Devastating that feeling! My girl, my daughter with whom I had a great bond. 

One day she passed me, although seeing me, as if I was dead! I didn't excist!

After that, no contact, invited her for my birthday, no response, Christmas idem, S19 birthday a few weeks after Christmas she attended in our house… (excuse me:  What the heck…), got a hugh, but didn’t speak…

2 yrs. ago now, she was involved in a minor car accident, as a result cautious contact was re-established by txt-message. Weeks later I invited her for having a coffee at a terrace one day. No response, even after a reminder.  Some weeks later I invited her again.

Now the response:  She couldn’t imagine us sitting having a coffee together (huh… we did it in the past, even lunched together, just for fun)

She wrote:  “I prefer to live with grieve of not seeing you, instead of grieving because you can’t coop with my standards”…  my D22,  now…

As I found out about BPD years before the break up, I saw developing the same pattern within D22. 

A few yrs. ago history repeats exactly in D22. HF-exBPDw left her parents in an outburst when she was 18yrs,  under no conditions at all she wanted contact for 9 yrs. 

In fact HF-exBPDw‘s mother reacted the same. Under no condition that she would initiate contact… (however to the world acting as victim… she felt amputated every day…)

Although anyone in my circle reassured me that D will contact me again some day, I don’t believe it.  Pattern is exactly as her mothers and grandmothers, uhh… genetically (research shows many evidences too)?

Like many of us, I am deeply hurt, my soul is still clashed by it, etc.  Accepting it, I have to heal from 2 “parties”, 2 of my dearest in my life. What a mess.

However, for my self-protection (went to my local support group and to a counsellor) I discussed D22 and wrote a mail with tears in my eyes as “goodbye”, wishing her all best and if one day she could overcome her shame, gained insight of her behaviour she could contact me if she was ready. 

In fact very hard indeed for a father and it feels terrible to do, without any doubt! But father is still grieving despite his choice, feels the loss every day. Really feeling amputated. Comforting and having joy with my S19 who lives with me.

Really really thanks for sharing!  The books as advised by Lever are really helpful, as the lessons-section. And also a lot of strength!

[Dutched]

Sorry for not directly responding to your question Manicmuse,  emotions stirred up I think.

As far I learned a BPD acts only to their most significant other, in this case the parent. 

Comparing it with our behaviour in general, we feel save and comfortable in our own family / house.

Just being and doing what we want, with our own family standards. So normal daily life with the hick ups.

So home is save, save to be who your are and trust the most.

Kids grow up in several stages, starts mirroring parents, unconsciously develop a kind of deeper bond with 1 parent (temporarily, switching , lasting) etc. We are the most important in their lives. 

As a BPD is acting on feelings AND feels everything so intense, they act/re-act so much more intense.

Marsha Linehan (DBT-therapy) describes that we should compare their sensitivity with a person who has 3rd degree burning wounds.

So referring to that hick ups. What we see, feel as a minor hick up, could be processed as a high conflict situation for a BPD.

As being the most important other, she reacted the way she did. Personally knowing that (also related to HF-exBPDw)  I found a lot of strength and comfort in it. Confirmed my strong believe of being a good father (partner).  So please do not have doubts   

[jeb]

I just have the 2 children, my nonBPDson23 and dd25.  My son is sick of the drama and only can take his sister for short periods of time and infrequently. Luckily he lives in a different city where he attends university. That is his coping mechanism and I completely get it.  He had her visit  him and his girlfriend at Christmas for 1 night, and he gave me an earful later about how atrocious he found her behaviour and even his gf now understands why he distances himself from her.  He still sees his sister (it looks like she is going in on a Mother's day gift for me with him) so I guess she will participate on Mother's Day after all; just hope that the day will go without any major blow-ups from dd. Just have to walk on those eggshells... .

[manicmuse]

m really wondering reading these boards if my daughter may have another diagnosis on top of the BPD.

As I stated before, she really keeps everyone friends, her hubby, the children, her siblings, she is jealous of everyone. SHE HAS to be the center at all costs or you dont love her enough and this is where most of her manipulation comes from, except the drugs, she manipulates for drug money also.

SHe has split with me years ago. See I was trained at 18 to deal with Developmentally disabled, I know its different but you need to keep them in reality. Im loving to her but I call her on lies, and when I think shes being an ass, (EX she rented from a guy 6 mo and never paid rent, I told her she had to pay him, she said but Mom hes just going to pay taxes with the money, and I said Its none of your business what he does with it, not paying the man is stealing)

SO yes I am the enemy who doesnt get it... .  

[manicmuse]

Dutched Im so sorry about your daughter! Hug your Sona as much as hell let you, the older my youngesst gets the closer we are! Your a good person in an awful situation Keep doing things for YOU! Its time!

Let her take her journey, and you take yours.

[neverwentback]

My BPD son's(31) relationship with his sister(25) has always been painful for me to watch.  They are both adopted (different bio families) and have never gotten along.  I am very close to my 3 siblings, so this was hard for me.  I always told them that when they grew up they would love each other, but it didn't happen.  My daughter has no patience with his moods, his bad decisions, and his reliance on me to survive as she is very independent.  She also gets mad at me for not just throwing him out, but she admittedly has her own emotional issues and little empathy for others who make bad choices.

I'm not sure what the answer is except that I am learning to let them live their own lives and accept that they will never be close.  I am focusing on my own peace of mind, happiness, and gratefulness for my blessings.

Hang in there, and take comfort from the wonderful people who are here for you.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[PaulaJeanne]

This is a killer subject for me right now. My BPD daughter 20 and my middle daughter (26... . who I think might have NPD), just told my oldest daughter (29) that they believe her husband is a pervert and that Oldest knew about it and failed to protect them. My SIL got caught red-handed reading my BPD's texts & emails (altho she had given him her password a while ago & never changed it). He's done some strange things that made my other daughters uncomfortable around him, but nothing that they ever mentioned to his wife, even before she married him 18 months ago when they stood up for her at the wedding.

So my BPD & my npd want me and my husband to DO SOMETHING ABOUT HIM! I told Oldest every allegation they had against him. There were a few, and they spanned the 8 years she's known him. She has a plausible explanation for all of them, has discussed them with him, and no way is she taking the baby & leaving him. I think he's a little odd, has some boundary issues, but certainly nothing I heard rises to the level of drama we now have.

I've been crying for three weeks. I'm imagining my little granddaughter someday seeing pictures on my mantle & asking who those two women in the wedding picture with her mother. I can't believe life turned out like this! No family gatherings ever. No cousins sleep overs at grandma's. (assuming I ever have any more grandchildren)

I have one sister. We are best of friends. This really is killing me.

[Stella1425]

There are times this is going to be more painful than others for me. My Bpd30 and S33 are adopted also. They were always so different from each other and were never really close. My husband and I are not very close with our siblings either so it wasn't a big deal. This thanksgiving eve my BPDD and S went out. He is not much of a drinker, she's huge. Called home for a ride at 2. My D ended up raging horribly and although my H dealt with her my s was involved also. He almost called the police. I was with GS locked in another room. This went on for hours. So they are now way less close!  We had been planning on a summer family time at a relatives cabin (just our family). S asked about it the other night. I Asked D and she (maybe wisely) said that might not be a good idea. So that's not happening. Until the thanksgiving incident my s had never really seen hid sister in "action". Terrified him and I think it really did damage.