my disaster meeting with T and my BPDd25

[jeb]

As many of you said when I mentioned the meeting with the psychiatrist, my dd and me she had her own AGENDA.  She has decided to take the upper hand and that she needs to work on some of her own “issues” with her therapist and that trying to have a relationship with me is not conducive to her progress and this will go on for an indefinite period of time.  She did say during our session with the T where I felt very unsupported and barely got in a few words, she would be amenable to us meeting when other people were present because as long as there is a third or fourth or fifth person present she can tolerate being with me.  I find this extremely artificial because we tried that once a couple of years ago and she brought a friend to brunch, and the two of them talked to and laughed with each other and I was the invisible third party.  I do not intend to create ridiculous artificial situations just so I can feel left out again.

In fact she said as I was crying by this time that she wanted to tell me to my face that she did love me and that she needed to work on this for herself so that I did not perceive this to be like the silent treatment that I used to get from my dad if I had displeased him.  In fact she told me that these should be tears of joy.  What do other people think?  Is being in a room with her and some other people meaningful contact with her?

It appears I did screw up big time as a mother and she has so much to work on from both the past (all my fault) and the present, I feel as though I single-handedly ruined her life. The psychiatrist kept saying how articulate she was and how he believed she could get better and that the reason she and I don’t ‘work’ is because we are so similar and sensitive.  He seemed to think she was insightful and thought her idea sounded great but I can’t  create these threesomes out of nothing.  I don’t think I can do Mother’s Day with her and my nonBPDs and possibly his girlfriend (who really does appreciate me).  I will feel like an unwanted fifth wheel.  She says that she loves me but I know she can’t forgive me so we will become estranged. IT IS SO PAINFUL.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Rapt Reader]

The psychiatrist kept saying how articulate she was and how he believed she could get better and that the reason she and I don’t ‘work’ is because we are so similar and sensitive.  He seemed to think she was insightful and thought her idea sounded great but I can’t  create these threesomes out of nothing.  I don’t think I can do Mother’s Day with her and my nonBPDs and possibly his girlfriend (who really does appreciate me).  I will feel like an unwanted fifth wheel.  She says that she loves me but I know she can’t forgive me so we will become estranged. IT IS SO PAINFUL.

jeb, I'm so sorry that you are feeling so much pain    I know that being in the middle of that pain, you may be missing some of the positive things that I (as a third party) am seeing in this situation... .

I think it's pretty wonderful that your daughter's Psychiatrist believes that she can get better, and his insight that you and your daughter share the same sensitivities might be something that can help you understand her and your situation with her better. If you are feeling this pain, maybe this is the same pain she is feeling, too? Is there a way the two of you can connect with this? Each of you acknowledging the other's pain with understanding and compassion?

I know that you are unhappy with a get-together that seems artificial to you, but I see a daughter who is trying--through her pain--to figure out some way to make steps to being with her Mom. She is not suggesting No Contact, or giving you the Silent Treatment; she is not saying she wants you out of her life. In fact, she is saying the opposite: "I love you and I am figuring out a way to see you in a way that makes me feel safe... . "

Do you get along well with your nonBPD son? You say his girlfriend does appreciate you... . Why would you feel like a fifth wheel if you all got together with your daughter for Mother's Day? It's Mother's Day, and you would be with your children, your daughter feels safe in that environment, and you are comfortable with your son (right?), and his girlfriend. Maybe this is a tiny little baby step to a better relationship with your daughter? Maybe it would be good news, or even a breakthrough? If you go with an open mind, maybe that could happen?

She says that she loves me but I know she can’t forgive me so we will become estranged.

How do you really know that, jeb? Your daughter isn't saying she can't forgive you and wants to be estranged, her Psychiatrist thinks the idea of getting together with others around for now could work... . It sounds like there is a plan for a reconciliation, and it all depends on if you can open up and give it a chance. Your feelings are hurt, her feelings are hurt--you both are sensitive and tentative about having a relationship. She's willing to try... . Are you?

[lever.]

My current position is similar but different from yours.

My DD is currently very low contact with me following an upsetting argument in which other family members were involved but I think underlying this she has issues that she is unhappy about from her childhood.

I can also see positives in your situation.Your DD has done this in a controlled way, she has not raged at you and tried to hurt you. There is a foundation available on which you can build up your relationship.

I would be glad if my DD would see a therapist with me, she tends to lash out at me from emotional mind.

In trying to rebuild our relationship I have had to have contact in rather artificial and superficial circumstances but for now I am willing to do that in order to keep the door open and to put my own feelings aside.

Reading Valerie Porr's book was an eye opener for me and helped me see things from a new perspective.

I think reading the links on validation would also help.

Try not to think of this as a power struggle where your DD has taken the upper hand. I am finding that communication opens up more when I give over control, if you validate the valid and take small steps I think this could work out.

When I first posted I was advised that I was trying to solve everything too quickly and tiny little steps were the way forwrd. That has proved to be useful advice

[suchsadness]

I agree with both Rapt Reader and lever, that there are a lot of positive things here... . I would be crying tears of joy to hear my BPD dd36 say the words "I love you".  I know the pain you are feeling from hearing your dd say she isn't able to have a relationship with you at this time, as I am currently NC with my dd for a second time in a year.  Your dd is saying that she has a lot of issues she needs to work on before she is able to have a real relationship with you - but she is still willing to be around you in the presence of others and that means there is something to build on.

Please give yourself some time to deal with the personal hurt you felt from that session and think about how you can support your dd in her journey of dealing with her own issues.  They are her issues, she is an adult, and she is willing to work on her issues with her own T.  These are all good indications that she is working on healing/growing and by addressing it with you she is taking a big step forward.  I have accepted and respected my dd's request for NC in the hopes that she will some day contact me again and be willing to work on rebuilding our relationship.  In the meantime if NC with me means she has less stress and is able to focus on what she needs to do... . then I can only be happy for her, even though there is sadness for me and it is up to me to find a way to cope with that.

[jellibeans]

Dear Jeb

I have to agree with what everyone else has said here... . I really do see this as a positive session but understandability painful at the same time.

Jeb you don't know if your dd with forgive you... . have you asked? Work on you forgiving her for now... . That is all you can do is work on yourself.

Acceptance-Acknowledgement Declaration

I never knew how much pain you were in. I never knew how much you suffered. I must have said and done so many things to hurt you because I did not understand or acknowledge your pain. I am so sorry. It was never my intention to cause you pain. What can we do now to improve our relationship?

Take some time to heal from this encounter... . and see where things go... this might be a new beginning for you all.

[qcarolr]

Jeb - my DD27's behaviors so often trigger my mommy guilt in a big way. She believes what she believes about her childhood. Yes, I did make lots of mistakes. Yes, I did have periods of being unavailable to her in my own distress. Yes to little bits of the things she flings at me when she is angry.

Her forgiveness is not what has brought a small measure of healing for me. It is finding the compassion to FORGIVE MYSELF. To know that I did the absolute best I could in every moment as her mom given the tools and skills and community around me at that time. This self-care piece has been hard for me to accept. That I first have to find ways to solve my problems, meet my own needs. Only then am I able to be with my DD and resist taking her words and actions into myself and have the guilt and shame triggered. It has been a lot of work - in therapy for myself, in therapy with my gd8 (family focus), in building a personal support network in my life.

Have you checked out the link to the right "Be Self-aware and of Wisemind"? The tools for this have really helped me get a new perspective.

qcr

[jeb]

Thanks to all of you for your input.  I guess I need a bit of time to process this whole issue because I too am tired of the never-ending merry-go-round and was ready to write my dd off because no matter what I did, it never seemed to be enough and I never said the right thing.  So from what you seem to be all saying is that this is a good thing, that she works on her own issues with her T and as I saw my nonBPDs today and we are rock solid and his girlfriend who once e-mailed me that she was so glad to have me in her life and that she was glad my son had such a loving and giving mother.  They are moving in together and I am very happy about this although they are young (both 23) and who knows if the relationship will last (has been 3 years now) but when I am with them I feel fine.  I will probably include my dd for our Mother's Day dinner but I have a small family so don't know other situations where we will meet with a crowd around; but if we don't it is what it is.  THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH!

[jellibeans]

Jeb

this the way it has to be now but that doesn't mean things won't change in the future... . don't look at this as forever but more as giving her the time and space to work on herself. As mother I know what you mean about feeling that nothing you do is right... . I feel that way at times but I also know I am a good mother who tries her best... . that is all we can do... . I really think this might be the beginning of a new relationship with your dd... . not the end

[Stella1425]

Jeb~~I'm kind of where you D is. I basically only want to be around my BPD30 with others present. It feels safer for me and I don't feel the pressure of having to "try" so hard at this point. It might not be a bad thing for you. My D can read people so well. Even though I try hard not to say or do or "look" wrong, sometimes that's easier with more people present.