just found out... dd19 is pregnant again

[js friend]

and she is already 6 months along

... . Just when i think things cant get any worse... . then here we go again.

She can hardly cope with gd  and now there will be 2 babies under 2! :'(

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[TopsyTurvy]

Oh, j's friend, she kept that a secret for a long time. It must be scary to think of her having another baby when she is just 19. Is there a dad who will have an active part in helping her raise this new little one? How does she feel about being pregnant? Is she excited, scared, sad? Does she take good care of her first child?

There is never a dull moment in the land of BPD. I hope things will work out for your daughter and this new baby. Hang in there and know we are here for you.

[js friend]

Thanks TopsyTurvy,

Iam still in a state of shock and it  does worry me how dd will cope with 2 babies.

The FOG is overwhelming when it comes to the welfare of these children. I should have known really as dd seems to be tired of gd at this stage of development and is always talking about how cute she was when she was a newborn.  The Cat only came out of the bag because dd and b/f have split up again for the billionth time so she is now trying to reconnect with family and friends again and resurfaced... . for quite a while  she has been staying away with various excuses and only speaking to us by phone... . even skyping only from the neck upwards.

[jellibeans]

oh my... . another baby! Although I think a baby is a wonderful thing it does seem somewhat overwhelming to think she is going to have another one and she is so young. I had my kids late in life... . my friend had hers early and I think she had an easier time... . when you are young you tend to worry less and feel you can do anything. Maybe this is what your dd is feeling. How is she coping with her first child? Is she a good mama?

[js friend]

jellibeans on the whole my dd does try ... . but shes not consistant with it... . Her moods swing are all over the place and she is very up and down.

.Some days are obviously better than others for her which I understand but its the emotional abuse I really often worry about. dd doesnt accept that gd is now at the toddler stage and has tantrums which is a normal part of her development.She was good with her as a baby but the older and more challenging gd is becoming dd is pushing further and further way, eg if she feels gd is being naughty or defiant towards her i have seen her physically push gd  away or ignore her completely... . not even to look at her.Who does that? Ive tried talking to her about it, even brought her a child development book that talks about tantrums but she still does it to her which  makes  me fear that she will replace gd with this new baby.

Another thing is the isolation. dd has no friends left. she has burnt through them all with her lies and behaviour and also becuse Bf came first and she didnt make time for them, so now she finds herself with no-one left who she has to hang around with. Everyone is busy doing something for themselves so she just stays in with gd most day. She doesnt even leave the house to go food shopping... . just orders it online.she is isolating herself. Gd will even cry to leave with anyone who visits. :'( She also lives in a complete mess most of the time and spends too much time on the net looking for things to  buy and on dating sites.No one is willing to deal with her deal with her other than us (her family) and she only comes round or allows us to visit when bf is out the picture. I used to babysit gd regualry until dd put a stop to it ... . said that she missed gd too much.I could go on and on with what I find worrying about this new situation... . I just know she wont be able to cope.  :'(

[TopsyTurvy]

js friend

I can sense your distress. I understand how hard it is to watch a grandchild not be treated well. I do believe that emotional abuse can be just as damaging as physical abuse. Sometimes it seems like when children get older and start developing their own personalities and sense of self that the pwBPD has a hard time dealing with that.

I remember from previous posts that you used to babysit your gd. I  am sorry that you don't get to see her as frequently now. Maybe when the new baby comes along, your daughter will be glad to have your help and allow more contact with your gd. Seems like she will have her hands full.

I worry about my gs too and one of my worst fears is my daughter becoming pregnant again. I would just keep reaching out and try to be a stable force in the lives of your gc. I think they will be blessed to have you.

[qcarolr]

js friend,

Does your D have a contact or support from any public agencies in her area? We have received a lot of support over the years. How does your D support herself if she just stays at home? Does she get food stamps, medicaid, etc. for herself or the kids? Does she get WIC food vouchers for herself and her baby? She may qualify for most of these services.

The bonus here is someone else will be involved with her family with a watchful eye for the care of the child(ren). This does not sound like a healthy situation for your gd or for another infant. Are you willing to make the call for a contact from social services?

qcr

[js friend]

Thankyou so much for your kind words Topsy Turvy.

Yes it is so hard to watch this emotional abuse going on.When i have spoken to her about it but she says that abuse is about being violent and because she isnt being violent then therefore she isnt being abusive :'(

I think she knows better than that but I wasnt going to win that battle that day.

Makes me wonder what she is like when it is just her and gd if she sees no problem behaving  infront of others.

All we can do is be here. Just a shame that I dont feel any excitment over this new pregnancy. Im sure you will know what i mean. Bpd takes that away form us.

qcarolr. Thank you for your response when you have so much going on with your own dd.

My dd is on goverment assistance(benefits) which gives her good money to stay at home and do nothing... . but shop online all day. She also already has a sw and a support worker who have been trying to remain in regular contact with her. She has had a sw on and off since she left home at 17. They have been really good and I have a number for them that I can call if iam really worried. They  have gone around there unannounced a few times which really peed dd off and according to her "they are hopeless and dont know what they are doing".she knows all that "THEY SHOULD BE DOING... . " yet she wont do any of it for herself or gd.

gd isalready on the child protection register because of the reports they have had about the fights dd and b/f have had an the potential violence gd may have witnessed so dd has them in and out of there regularly, but she isnt really engaging with them but just doing the mininium as i see it.Baby will be on the register too which is also a relief in my eyes because without them being in her life im sure things would be much worse than they are now and they keep her on her toes. She hates it and moans about it but yyet cant put 2 and 2 togther to work out why gd is on it and what needs to change in her life inorder to get off it!. They do regular spotchecks to make sure she has food in there to feed gd and up to date with all her immunisations and that her home is clean.

Her neighbours have been very good too.They all have children too but dd hates them and wont speak to any of them, and says they are all nosey, but thats only because they have called the police on her and b/f a few times when they were physically fighting and gd was there.

[peaceplease]

js friend,

I can understand your concern.  My gs is 6, and my dd was talking about maybe wanting another child, some day.  She says that she is getting older, and feels her bio clock ticking.  She will be 30, next month.   And, she does not want to be married!(She is too bossy to be married to anyone!)   Definitely, does not share my values!  Also, she admitted to me that she got pregnant on purpose with my gs.  I knew it, but she actually confirmed my suspicions.

My dd should not ever  have any more children.  She is either, too lax at times because she is too busy with the phone to her her ear, or on FB.  Or, she is really mean and authoritarian.  Plus, I don't think my dd could handle full time parenting.  She shares 50/50 with her ex bf.  And, I have my gs probably more than my dd has.

It is good that your dd has child protection services.  You can have some peace that she has someone is making sure that gd is getting adequate care.  And, they will look after her with her newborn.

I agree with Topsyturvy in that, you can be a stable force for your grandchildren.   

peace

[js friend]

js friend,


My dd should not ever  have any more children.  She is either, too lax at times because she is too busy with the phone to her her ear, or on FB.  Or, she is really mean and authoritarian.  Plus, I don't think my dd could handle full time parenting. 

peace

This is my sentiment exactly peace. My dd often pushes gd away and tells her to go and play by herself so she can concentrate on  Fb, be online or watch tv all day, or she disciplines gd sternly for what she percieves as her "naughty" behaviour. Poor kid is confused most of the time and my heart just breaks for her. I have even seen gds puzzled look.

AND im also sure my dd got pregnant times on purpose too.The father is an abusive fool and treats her like crap... . and is in and out her life regulary because he regards himself as a catch, so i believe she wanted to stake her claim on him .   In the past she has even fought with other girls over him.and i mean physically!... yet he says that he isnt ready to settle down, and  that men are allowed to sow their seeds because its what men are meant to do , but gd needs to look up dd as her as a role model and if next baby is a boy then he wouldnt want to know his mom is a wh*re, so there is a case of complete Npd double standards there. Plus he does nothing for gd but show her off

And my poor parents... . They worry so much about how dd will manage... . They dont understand Radical Acceptance so they always want to fix everything and it is taking its toll on their health.

My mother is talking about feeling depressed and looks so sad all the time... . .and I have NEVER EVER heard her talk like that before, its because of all of this. So much for having a peaceful retirement  

yet dd is oblivious the impact on everyone and just keeps bringing her "stuff" for us to sort out which is a lot of stuff as she just wont engage properly with the agencies... . and so it just  goes on and on... .