Why to Go No Contact - Lessons and Thoughts

[Lamaiel]

Hey folks,

I've been out of a serious 6 month r/s with my exBPD for over 2 months now.  Obviously, you can read my story elsewhere on these forums, but like the normal BPD script think the typical out of the blue dumping and immediate replacement.

Most advice from experienced members on this forums regarding post break-up communications:  NO CONTACT and more NO CONTACT... . especially in my case where there is little "administrative" work to do (divorce, possession exchanges, children, etc.).   No contact with your exBPD has absolutely nothing to do your ex, and everything to do with you... . to help you distance from the source of your emotional pain, to detach, to gain perspective, to heal in some regard, to look inward.

Did I abide by the no contact rule?  OF COURSE NOT!  I have a feeling many of us on here are in the same boat I am.  The urge to contact your exBPD can be emotionally overwhelming.  Many on here have compared it to a pseudo drug addiction... . you need your high, and you need your fix... . it absolutely is an emotional craving.  Anyone else text their ex, and wait breathlessly for a response?  Are you nervous and on the edge of your seat?  I know I am.  I feel that these emotions are magnified with a BPD breakup... . the lack of closure and the lack of validation creates a storm of emotional sensitivity.  To me, contact with your ex has given me nothing, and really can only end in pain.

To me, there are 3 outcomes to unnecessary contact with your exBPD:

1.  Temporary Validation - A positive outcome, at least from your perspective.  Some of my own examples:  She was friendly over text, we texted for hours, she stared at me at a bar, she asked why I left said bar, she sent me pictures and snapchats, her FB doesn't have any pictures of the replacement.  You feel happy after this positive outcome, you dream of reconciliation, you got your hit... . your craving is satisfied.  Unfortunately, at least for me, the validation is fleeting: you eventually will need another hit, more validation... . and she may not be so interested in providing that next time.  I am learning when I have a positive conversation with my exBPD it is more about her testing my emotional availability more than anything else... . it is for her, not me.

2. Confusion - What the heck just happened?  When I met up with exBPD post dumping, her reasons for the break-up were not reality, complete rationalizations, and a use of defensive mechanisms.  Typical, but still confusing.  When we texted later on, the reasons were changed yet again.  Instead of me "having commitment issues", I was now clearly committed but now something else was wrong.  Another time, she texted me and I didn't respond... . I was yelled at for not responding.  My point is much of the communication will only serve to confuse you and pull you in many directions.  You will over-analyze, over-think, and over react.  Perhaps push/pull behaviors will still be exhibited, perhaps she has a use for you today.

3. Pain - Invalidation, no response to calls or texts, no call back.  You have been completely devalued, there is no empathy.   I'm sure this resonates with most people on here... . you are now a zero, and are now almost a stranger to them.  They may be cold, uncaring, short, non-responsive.  My exBPD nonchalantly asked me for concert tickets I bought for her 3 days before we broke up.  She also threatened to block my number a week after that.  Many times she won't respond to communication at all.

In my opinion, there is nothing to gain from these conversations.  The validation you are seeking will only come from within.  What do other members think?

[Cardinals in Flight]

Right on! 

I'm a woman a few words today, .

CiF

[Lamaiel]

Why did I post this?  I had a set of communications with my ex over the past few days, that gave me incredible validation for a day (I thought I could get her back!), transitioned to confusion, and now more pain.  The effect of a few text messages and pictures are incredible.

Last Saturday - I was out of town with family, and decided to check her FB page.  I noticed something of note on there so I figured hey lets get my weekly fix and get in touch with her via text message.  She responds and we end up texting back and forth for hours, from about 5 pm to 1 am.  Jokes were told, updates were given, laughs were had, pictures were sent.  My friends told me later she was w/o her replacement at a festival they were at, and I thought maybe this is my chance to get back in the door!  I was in great spirits the next day as I flew home.

Monday morning - I texted her very casually... said hello and brought up a story from when we spoke on Saturday night.  She utterly and completely ignored it, and never responded.  She then posted some new social media relating to the current love of her life.

Validation, confusion, now I am in pain.  I need to go no contact.

[Skip]

Most advice from experienced members on this forums regarding post break-up communications:  NO CONTACT and more NO CONTACT... . especially in my case where there is little "administrative" work to do (divorce, possession exchanges, children, etc.).   No contact with your exBPD has absolutely nothing to do your ex, and everything to do with you... . to help you distance from the source of your emotional pain, to detach, to gain perspective, to heal in some regard, to look inward.

I've always felt that "detachment" is the goal.  And detachment is difficult and there are a lot of tools that we can use.

There is no question that when any relationship ends, the parties need to have the discipline to stay apart long enough for the denial, bargaining, and emotion to subside.  There are a number of ways to do it and "No Contact", "Controlled Contact" is in that list.  Changing our routines, re organizing the house, getting involved in something new are on the list.  CBT is really good - as are diet and exercise.  Therapy and having an outlet (like bpdfamily) to talk it through are very important.  Pharma therapy (and no self medicating) is also on the list.

Some members get obsessed with "No Contact" or "Strict No Contact" and hyperfocus on it.  It's not unusual for those that are the most obsessed to be the ones that most often break it, and be the ones that have the hardest time detaching.  

What is the downfall?  

I think we all need to be aware that our anxiety levels skyrocket when we have a bad breakup.  We have an article that discusses the biology of breaking up.  Managing this anxiety is really important and we need to avoid anxiety inducing actions and adopt anxiety reducing practices.

Obsessing on No Contact is very anxiety laden.  Just in the last two weeks we had one member who was trying to rekindle a stalled relationship dramatically flip into 'no contact" because he wasn't making progress.  The drama created anxiety and she made contact.  He felt highly violated and made a  issue about boundaries violations.  She went quiet.  This created anxiety for him and he then made two attempts at contacting her.  Finally she said, let's get a little space and talk in a few weeks.  Everyones anxiety dropped.

We read this anxiety dance every day here.

What really upsets us is when we have unfinished business and try to elicit a response from the ex., or tell them to get therapy, or carry the fight on, or try to get them to see the light, or be a friend, etc.   This is where the contact anxiety come from.  If we keep the contact to "call me when you want your stuff, sorry your mom is sick, etc. "we're generally OK (not always, but generally).  One of the inherent problems is that we often been involved in multiple recycles so we don't know when things are over or don't accept that it is over.

This is all very hard.  

In the end, its isn't "no contact" that allows us to move forward and process the loss and to analyze and learn from it, it is detaching.  Once we start to detach, the processing and learning can start.

We often weren't role models of emotional maturity in these relationships - for a lot of reasons - now that they are over, it's probably a good time to step it up - be more mature in the breakup than we were in the relationship.

[fromheeltoheal]

No contact with your exBPD has absolutely nothing to do your ex, and everything to do with you... . to help you distance from the source of your emotional pain, to detach, to gain perspective, to heal in some regard, to look inward.

Good perspective, with a little clarification.  The source of our emotional pain is the loaded bond we create with a borderline, and it is imperative to break that bond to detach, in fact that is the definition of detaching.  The mighty No Contact can be used as a tool to break that bond, but it is not mandatory; it is possible to create emotional distance from someone while still in their presence or in communication, but if we are so far enmeshed that we can't see straight, then maybe disappearing is the only way to break that bond.  It was for me, and once broken everything seemed very different; she contacted me about 8 months after I left her, I'd done some good work on myself and processed things by then, and her missive was full of manipulation attempts, devaluations, all the thrills, yet cloaked in a veil of sticky-sweet.  It was both pathetic and shocking to me by then, clues that I had broken that bond, and shocking because I couldn't believe I used to fall for that sht.

Think about it: the more emotionally healthy someone is, the less they'll put up with crap, and a very healthy person would up and walk away in a heartbeat when presented with that dysfunction.  I was lonely and susceptible, and I ignored the disparity between the sweet girl on the other end of those texts and the miserable individual she was in person, but I was living a fantasy of my own no doubt, plenty of questions and room for growth there, but the bond needed to be broken first.  Then I could start to look at my attachment style, People Pleasing, Caretaking, rescuing tendencies, self esteem issues, yadda, yadda, all very enriching areas of focus and opportunities for growth, the gift of the relationship.  But first, detach.

Take care of you!

[wanttobelieve]

From heel to heal,

I want to thank you for your perspective on detaching. I wanted to provide my input on the matter for Lamaiel and then when I read your post it actually made me think about me and it really sunk in for me. I can relate 100% to exactly what you wrote, especially your last paragraph. WOW, its amazing how we all have such similar stories. Thank you  

I broke up for the 4th and hopefully final time with my ex-BPDgf/fiancé and have been in NC for 6 weeks now (the longest that we have ever gone in our 2.5 yr rs). There is no question that the NC has and is helping me move on with my healing. I think the biggest reason for us to consider this approach is because of how great borderliners are at saying all the right things to make us caregivers/people pleasers... . feel so loved and needed. I have never been in a rs with someone that is so intense physically and/or emotionally. I totally see the correlation to "drug addict". We all know what will happen when get on the cell phone and start texting back and forth or when you hear their sweet voice. They are too equipped to know what we need to hear to get us hooked again and we addicted to them so our only chance at getting whole again is by going cold turkey.

Thanks again for your perspective on the matter. It really has helped me this morning.

"Their actions are the reality and not their words".

Cheers... .

[BacknthSaddle]

I was thinking about posting a thread on this earlier today, as I had some minor revelations this morning.  What Skip says in all his wisdom seems to be correct, that No Contact is not a goal in-and-of itself but rather a tool of potential use in the service of achieving the true goal of detachment.  It is easy to confuse the two and become obsessed with maintaining NC, and such an obsession probably does paradoxically lead to breaking NC more frequently.

What has helped me recently more than focusing on NC specifically has been asking myself what I expect to come of initiating contact whenever I have the urge to do so, and if I feel the results will be productive. Most contact I have had in the last three months (since early-Feb breakup) have fallen into one of two categories:

1) I drop a "how are you doing," presumably in search of validation. It comes out that, objectively, I am doing fairly well and she is not. I lend support.  Then she begins discussing replacements, I become depressed and frustrated, she devalues me and tells me I am being crazy and need to move on, and I end up feeling like I have sacrificed my dignity in some way.  There are usually arguments.  This can happen in the course of one interaction or develop over several, but it always goes this way.

2) She contacts me because she needs something.  Concrete things, not really emotional things.  If I am inclined to provide them (say, some sort of work-relevant information), I do so, in an emotionally neutral way.  If I am not, I indicate that I am not, also in an emotionally neutral way.

This has happened enough now that I realize that initiation is of no value to me; there are really no "good" conversations for us to have that come out of my own initiation at this point.  The pattern has repeated itself enough that I am able to see it for what it is now and to see that it is not productive or enjoyable for me, regardless of its relationship to detachment. 

I do, however, "break NC" to reply in the latter cases; I would not have done so without the help of this site. This sort of "breaking NC" I have actually found to be productive.  As Skip says, responding in these cases in a neutral but respectful way has allowed me to re-establish my own sense of emotional maturity in a way that simply ignoring the texts would not. 

So, as has been pointed out, the whole "NC" concept, its utility and our motivations for pursuing it, probably need to be looked at closely before just instituting a blanket policy.  It has helped me to think about "initiation" vs. "response," i.e. the two different forms of "contact," it has helped to think about how each of these has played out in the past, and it has helped to consider how I reasonably think each will play out in the future.

[BacknthSaddle]

I would just add that limiting contact, having more space between contacts, has made me more aware of a number of things that have allowed me to better start the process of detachment, including:

1) Noting how prominent the gaslighting and devaluation from her end are.  Now that they are not an everyday part of my life, they seem more absurd and less like something I should tolerate.

2) Noting the degree to which our "relationship" is predicated on me meeting her needs.  When requests for need-meeting are few and far between and aren't couched within days of positive mirroring or validation, they become more clear for what they are, and again less like something that should be tolerated.

3) Realizing how all of the dynamics of our r/s are more or less permanent parts of our bond.  Specifically, the mirroring behavior.  I have come to realize (with the help of this site) that a lot of her failure to contact me is still her mirroring me.  When I have initiated, even after a few weeks of NC, she has been super-excited to communicate, sometimes wanting to talk everyday on the phone for a few days after going weeks without talking.  So why not contact me sooner? And/or why ultimately say something clearly hurtful to me? She mirrors me in not contacting, and then again mirrors me in the excitement of our reconnection, until such time as this is no longer of emotional value to her. The only times she contacts me independently are with some urgent need that cannot be met elsewhere. 

I find that all of these insights were much more difficult to come by when contact was frequent and I was caught up in an ongoing emotional storm. 

[Lamaiel]

I've always felt that "detachment" is the goal.  And detachment is difficult and there are a lot of tools that we can use.

Thanks for the insight Skip.  How does one define detachment?  And I don't necessarily mean from an intellectual perspective.  How should should one feel emotionally when they are detached?  What behaviors should we exhibit?  What mindsets might we have?  How would we react when we are exposed to our exBPD?

My T gave me an example which may be an indicator to whether I am detached or not.  If my exBPD contacted me today and said something along the lines of "I miss you, lets get back together".  How would I react?

Not detached:  I would immediately get back together with her.  My knowledge of BPD may foster a sense of cautiousness, but I would be right back in.  I'm afraid I am still at this stage currently.

Detached:  I would most likely deny the request and continue moving forward.

We often weren't role models of emotional maturity in these relationships - for a lot of reasons - now that they are over, it's probably a good time to step it up - be more mature in the breakup than we were in the relationship.

I realize that if I was emotionally mature and emotionally experienced from an intimate r/s perspective (this was my first serious r/s), I would have ended this r/s months before she dumped me.  Her behaviors and personality traits would not have been swept under the rug, and I would have not tolerated her treatment towards me.  I didn't want the relationship to end because I am afraid of what is on the other side of that door.  As you mention, I need to grow emotionally during this breakup... . it is a gift that I need to take advantage of.

We teach others how to treat us.  But if we do not treat ourselves well, we cannot teach others how best to treat us.  Or if we treat ourselves poorly, we cannot help but find people who similarly abuse us. 

[Lamaiel]

The mighty No Contact can be used as a tool to break that bond, but it is not mandatory; it is possible to create emotional distance from someone while still in their presence or in communication, but if we are so far enmeshed that we can't see straight, then maybe disappearing is the only way to break that bond.  It was for me, and once broken everything seemed very different; she contacted me about 8 months after I left her, I'd done some good work on myself and processed things by then, and her missive was full of manipulation attempts, devaluations, all the thrills, yet cloaked in a veil of sticky-sweet.  It was both pathetic and shocking to me by then, clues that I had broken that bond, and shocking because I couldn't believe I used to fall for that sh

I most definitely agree.  I think no contact allows one to gain perspective over the entirety of the relationship; the exBPD's behaviors, their personality.  It allows you to step back and evaluate the relationship as objectively as possible.  I feel it is akin to having a rope tied around your waist and slowly being pulled out of the wonderland that was your BPD relationship, and out through the rabbit hole.  Once out, to be able to look down that rabbit hole and comprehend what you just experienced and to learn from that... . very valuable indeed.

Think about it: the more emotionally healthy someone is, the less they'll put up with crap, and a very healthy person would up and walk away in a heartbeat when presented with that dysfunction.

Similar to what Skip said above, and it really resonates with me.  Prior to the relationship, if someone pointed out my exBPDgf and said "This woman will rage, embarrass you in public, be mean-spirited, love/hate you by the minute, act depressed/miserable and victimized.  Will you tolerate this for 6 months?"  My answer would have been a responding NO.  Things didn't work out that way did they?

I considered myself an emotionally mature person before this relationship.  Now I realize that is resoundingly false.  As you say, "fertile ground for growth"

[seeking balance]

From the perspective of detaching and understanding the "why" we obsess about contact - I challenge anyone on this board to use article 9 - https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a109.htm - 10 False Beliefs as a tool to know what it is you are looking to soothe by the contact.

Contact is usually designed to soothe an emotion - if you need to get in touch with that emotion - read the 10 False Beliefs and I bet you can figure out what is going on and you can choose a better self soothing option. 

1      Belief that this person holds the key to your happiness

2      Belief that your BPD partner feels the same way that you feel

3      Belief that the relationship problems are caused by you or some circumstance

4      Belief that love can prevail

5      Belief that things will return to "the way they used to be

6      Clinging to the words that were said

7      Belief that if you say it louder you will be heard

8      Belief that absence makes the heart grow fonder

9      Belief that you need to stay to help them

10      Belief that they have seen the light

[Lamaiel]

I would just add that limiting contact, having more space between contacts, has made me more aware of a number of things that have allowed me to better start the process of detachment

Saddle, this is a great point and something I should have mentioned in my initial post.  I have gained some benefits to "low contact".  After learning about BPD traits, I've evaluated our post break up conversations based on this knowledge, and have been able to identify various "crazy making" behaviors within these communications.  From the push/pull, to lack of empathy, to object constancy issues.  This in itself has offered validation for what I thought I experienced in the relationship before I knew about BPD.

It also has me questioning the trust I had in my exBPD during our relationship.  She encouraged and I gave her my complete trust... quite naive.  If she is with her replacement, but decides to text me and look at me all night when I am across the room... . who was she secretly talking to when I was with her?  If she spends several hours happily communicating to me when her replacement isn't around, who was she talking to when I wasn't there during our r/s?

Contact is usually designed to soothe an emotion - if you need to get in touch with that emotion - read the 10 False Beliefs and I bet you can figure out what is going on and you can choose a better self soothing option. 

SB, this is SPOT ON.  When I am extremely sad, anxious, or experiencing another intense emotion in regards to the exBPDgf, I have that craving to contact her, or to check her social media.  I want to soothe, but I need to use other tools to do so, not the source of my pain.

I have had the 10 false beliefs printed it out and folded in my wallet for a few weeks now, and I consider it a valuable tool for me.

[Skip]

How does one define detachment?  And I don't necessarily mean from an intellectual perspective.  How should should one feel emotionally when they are detached?  What behaviors should we exhibit?  What mindsets might we have?  How would we react when we are exposed to our exBPD

Good topic Lamaiel and good question.  Your opening post was really good - you framed this well.  I'm curious to see how others answer you question.

My take is that it evolves over time to a point where our emotional state is becomes less and less tied to their emotional state - I think what is being detached or uncoupled is the emotional codependence or interdependence.  

What is the best tool for achieving this?  Probably CBT - which in its simplest explanation is that we start acting more detached than we are - rather than wait until we feel it. We can't pretend to be detached, but we can try to act 10% or 20% more than we are.   All of us generally function in actions follow feelings mode - I feel better, I'm going dancing.  CBT is about feelings following actions - I'm going to push myself to go dancing - if I go enough, I will start feeling better.  The latter yields a faster recovery than the former.p

What is the first stage of this?  For me it was accepting defeat for a relationship that I spent to long trying to save.  I remember a song by the Cranberries with the lyrics "There's no need to argue anymore". I would listen to it, repeat the words, and let go of all the things I still wanted to say.  There was no need to argue anymore.  When a relationship is over, this stuff really doesn't matter.   It's OK to let go. 

What has helped me recently more than focusing on NC specifically has been asking myself what I expect to come of initiating contact whenever I have the urge to do so, and if I feel the results will be productive.

This is a really good observation.  If we're honest, its amazing how we often have motives behind the most insignificant things when relationships.  

It has helped me to think about "initiation" vs. "response," i.e. the two different forms of "contact," it has helped to think about how each of these has played out in the past, and it has helped to consider how I reasonably think each will play out in the future.

Really good point, BacknthSaddle.  Another important distinction is when the other party is adopted a "no contact" position vs. when we adopt a  "contact" parameters.   These are different, too.

[seeking balance]

 CBT is about feelings following actions - I'm going to push myself to go dancing - if I go enough, I will start feeling better.  The latter yields a faster recovery than the former.p

This is aligns with the saying, "feelings are not facts".

While I was in CBT, I read up on DBT - there are tactical skills that I found helpful, kinda like having a roadmap of "other" actions to do.

In DBT, there are four categories of Distress Tolerance strategies. These are:

Distracting

Self-Soothing

Improving the Moment

Focusing on the Pros and Cons

Having a "plan" for when I would go into the anxiety filled moments was really helpful.  Each of these strategies proved useful and you can learn more from various websites.

[fromheeltoheal]

Think about going to the supermarket and buying some broccoli and some peaches.  You go up to the check stand, hand your groceries to the checker who rings them up, you exchange pleasantries as you pay and put your stuff in a bag, it ends with 'thank yous' and you're on your way.  That's detachment.  Meaning you have no emotional attachment to the checker whatsoever, you're just coexisting pleasant humans.  What if the checker was your ex?  If mine had been the checker near the end she would have gotten clobbered with produce, clearly work to do.

The best way to detach is to live your life, to shift the focus from the past to the future, which will take vigilance because the past will creep in.  And one day your ex won't be the first thing you think about, then won't even be the second, then won't even be one of the things you think about, then you won't think about her at all, and then you will be free.  Echoing Skip, it's a matter of consistently going there until it's real.  Take care of you!

[LettingGo14]

How does one define detachment?  And I don't necessarily mean from an intellectual perspective.  How should should one feel emotionally when they are detached?  What behaviors should we exhibit?  What mindsets might we have?  How would we react when we are exposed to our exBPD

Thank you for this very thoughtful thread of inquiry.   I, too, want to visualize what "detachment" means -- emotionally as well as intellectually.   For me, a very helpful concept has been "differentiation" which also encompasses being "non-reactive."  I might use the term "individuated" as well.  

I try to visualize myself literally "unhooked" from my ex-gf.   This does not mean I repress all emotions.  Instead, I feel the emotions -- by telling myself that I consent to those emotions -- and I try to accept and self-soothe.   For example, when I start to focus on being "rejected" or "painted black" I feel really bad.  The emotions are sadness, loneliness, fear, shame.   In the past, I might react to these emotions by reaching out for validation to my ex.   Now, I try to accept the emotions, unhook them from the story of rejection, and realize that I can, as a differentiated individual, let the storm pass.  My primary tool for letting this happen has been mindfulness meditation, although I have employed the CBT techniques that Skip mentioned.

Ultimately, by managing my own emotional states, I am increasing my level of differentiation.   (It's a practice, of course, with steps forward and backward).   I am learning to accept that rejection, uncertainty, and  invalidation are aspects of life.  

Some day, I'm sure, I'll see my ex-girlfriend, or hear she's married, or here she's had a baby, or whatever.   It is my goal to be grateful for what I learned during this devastating period of my life.   I hope to feel non-reactive, at peace, and fully self-aware.   If a twinge of nostalgia hits, I will accept it.   But, my boundaries will remain intact, as a testament to the work we are doing here.

[Sunny Side]

The best way to detach is to live your life, to shift the focus from the past to the future, which will take vigilance because the past will creep in.

I think this is the most sound advice.  I think most on these boards struggle with the mind's rational need to flee to a new place of safety and the heart's irrational desire to stay behind and remain immersed.  The result is confusion and pain.  There's no detachment technique in the world that will work until we first decide that we truly want to detach.  Until we do the rest is just shadowboxing.  And when we finally make that decision I've got news -- there's still no shortcut around the pain.  But this is actually the good news.     Detachment really is an evolution and not an event.

[Cardinals in Flight]

I would just add that limiting contact, having more space between contacts, has made me more aware of a number of things that have allowed me to better start the process of detachment, including:

1) Noting how prominent the gaslighting and devaluation from her end are.  Now that they are not an everyday part of my life, they seem more absurd and less like something I should tolerate.

2) Noting the degree to which our "relationship" is predicated on me meeting her needs.  When requests for need-meeting are few and far between and aren't couched within days of positive mirroring or validation, they become more clear for what they are, and again less like something that should be tolerated.

3) Realizing how all of the dynamics of our r/s are more or less permanent parts of our bond.  Specifically, the mirroring behavior.  I have come to realize (with the help of this site) that a lot of her failure to contact me is still her mirroring me.  When I have initiated, even after a few weeks of NC, she has been super-excited to communicate, sometimes wanting to talk everyday on the phone for a few days after going weeks without talking.  So why not contact me sooner? And/or why ultimately say something clearly hurtful to me? She mirrors me in not contacting, and then again mirrors me in the excitement of our reconnection, until such time as this is no longer of emotional value to her. The only times she contacts me independently are with some urgent need that cannot be met elsewhere. 

I find that all of these insights were much more difficult to come by when contact was frequent and I was caught up in an ongoing emotional storm. 

Exactly! . NC helps us in realizing that our needs were rarely if ever on their radar, and to clear ourselves of FOG to see these things for what they really are and THAT ( optimistic here) leads to detachment.  At least for me that's how it's working.  I was always the one to reach out, and my X would respond rapidly, nothing to do with me, I unknowingly until now was feeding her, when she was full, she was happy to go on as we were, which was whatever was on her agenda.

CiF

[heartandwhole]

For example, when I start to focus on being "rejected" or "painted black" I feel really bad.  The emotions are sadness, loneliness, fear, shame.   In the past, I might react to these emotions by reaching out for validation to my ex.   Now, I try to accept the emotions, unhook them from the story of rejection, and realize that I can, as a differentiated individual, let the storm pass.  

Ultimately, by managing my own emotional states, I am increasing my level of differentiation.   (It's a practice, of course, with steps forward and backward).   I am learning to accept that rejection, uncertainty, and  invalidation are aspects of life.  

Great insights.  I resonate a lot with what you say here.  I think the difficulty with contact and no contact is so much about not wanting to feel.   For me, a sense of urgency is my clue that I am trying to avoid feeling, and my practice is to treat that anxious, impulsive drive as a ringing bell - reminding me to stop, look, and listen (to myself).  What state or feeling am I trying to escape or create?  

I think real freedom comes when we can meet our feelings with an embrace, with compassion.  They may still hurt like hell, but without resistance, emotions move through us more freely and more quickly.  

[talithacumi]

Great thread, and lots of really good comments, ideas, and insights here.

Speaking as someone who's been NC for just over 16 months now, I also don't think it really matters why you make that decision in the first place. Looking back, I was so enmeshed/so deep in the FOG that there was no way I could have made that decision for any reason other than to continue the very dysfunctional dance I'd been doing for the previous 14+ years with my expwBPD.

I was hurting badly, massively confused about pretty much everything, full of doubts about my own experience/perception/memories of the entire relationship as well as what kind of person/partner I'd been, lonely, and massively frustrated by my inability to effect the kind of substantive change in his behavior/our relationship I'd always been able to effect before no matter what I did or how hard I tried to make that happen.

Going NC and staying NC for at least 6 months was my last ditch, hail mary pass, extinction burst attempt to get his attention by pulling out what I knew at the time were the really big guns as far as he was concerned - withdrawing my interest/attention - making him feel like he'd finally been completely rejected/abandoned by me just like he was always so afraid would happen.

Did it work? I have no idea. What I do know is that he's shown no interest in, nor has he made any effort to initiate any kind of direct contact with me at any time over the course of the last 16 months. Does that mean he didn't notice, doesn't care, and/or wasn't actually effected the way I thought/wanted/intended/hoped he would be? No. It just means he didn't take my bait and let me know what effect, if any, my decision actually had on him.

But here's what it ultimately did do:

1. It ended what had been the near-constant stream of conflicting, confusing, contradictory, invalidating, and largely self-serving things he told me and ways he treated me when we did interact ... . allowing me to finally/obsessively/eventually work my way through all of it and back to a personal understanding of what I'd been through that made enough sense for me to stop ruminating over all of it and start to let it go.

2. It allowed me to stop anticipating, preparing for, and being ready to defend/protect myself from whatever new insult/outrage/assault I might find myself being intentionally/inadvertently subjected to by him, my replacement, and/or the two of them working in conjunction with one another ... . which made it possible for me to spent a lot more of my time dealing with not only how and why I'd been attracted/attractive to someone with BPD in the first place, but more importantly, what it actually involved/required of me to have the kind of relationship I'd actually had with someone like that for well over 12 years.

3. It eventually left me with nothing in the present but myself and my own experiences, perceptions, understanding, beliefs, feelings, and thoughts as the primary source of the pain I was continuing to suffer ... . which provided me with the keys I needed to unlock, sit with, examine, question, analyze, rethink, and ultimately reconceptualize myself in ways that are making it possible for me to live a more emotionally honest, fuller, happier, and healthier life than I ever have before.

4. It slowly became something I was very actively, consciously, and intentionally doing to protect/nurture/care for myself rather than the misguided attempt it had initially been to get my expwBPD to do that for me.

5. By maintaining it for that reason, it's finally allowed me to start trusting myself to not put myself in danger or at risk of harm with/for others - disordered or not - anymore.

I now see NC as the external boundary I allowed myself to set so I felt physically safe enough, secure enough in myself, and free from enough outside distractions to finally start working through the issues I had that had always kept me from being able to set/maintain those kinds of boundaries within myself and for myself.

It's been over three months now since I consciously reached the point where NC wasn't an issue. I haven't tried to make contact with my ex - and haven't really had any desire to do so either - not because he's disordered, has hurt me in the past, and/or I'm afraid I'll just end up getting hurt again, but because he's just not particularly interesting to me as a person anymore.

I still love/care about him - we were together for over 12 years, we shared a lot of life, made a lot of memories, and were both the best I think we could have been to one another during that time - but the changes I've undergone over the last year have left me without any real interest in, or need to have someone like that in my life ever (hopefully!) again.

All I can do is simply wish him well ... . in every sense of those words.