Adult daughter with BPD

[mama62]

I have been thinking about writing to dd and offering support and maybe look at rebuilding the relationship.

Every time I start it comes back to 'I was upset because you did this or that' and that obviously is NOT going to help. I know this is not about me and it is about her.

Just trying to learn more about BPD and keep trying to write this letter. Maybe the words will come to me

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[qcarolr]

The best resource many her have found is in the book "Overcoming BPD" by Valerie Porr. She even has a sample letter. The book gives all the most current info on BPD and is focused on the parent/child/adult child relationships.

Have you worked through any of the TOOLS on the right sideboard?

It is really important to get some support in writing this type of letter. It can help make a good connection. Let us know a little more about you situation and how we can help/.

qcr

[mama62]

qcaroir

I am new to this site and learning about BPD. I am trying to work through the workshops, but have not been feeling very well so can only do it when I feel a little better.

I started posting on 16th of April. First post 'Adult child with BPD'

Another post 'walking in a fog' same date.

Am I a bad parent 22 April.

Adult daughter with BPD 28 April

My story is in all these posts.

I would like to know what you think my response should be.

[lever.]

I have been waiting until I had time to think about this and could take a bit of time to reply.

When I was in a similar situation a few months ago I was given a few questions to consider which sounded a bit challenging to me at the time but proved very useful for me to think about.

Firstly someone asked me:"What are your priorities in this situation?"

I decided that my priority was to keep some link with my DD and to continue to support my GC as much as I was able to.

Of course I felt as if my DD had treated me very unfairly and I wanted her to understand things from my point of view- but I quickly came to realize that this wasn't going to be immediately (if ever) possible.

Secondly it was pointed out to me that I wasn't going to be able to resolve everything quickly and that initially I had to take tiny little steps to open the door to communication.

There is something in the tools section on the board for partners staying in a relationship about not escalating conflict. It suggests that we should not JADE. This means not Justifying, Arguing, Defending our position or Explaining.

Oh boy! That is exactly what I would have done without the benefit of this board and the argument would have continued!

I then bought Valerie Porr's book and wrote my letter with the book next to me.

I kept it very short so that I wasn't giving DD anything to argue with.

Here are some tips from VP's book.

Keep the focus on the other person and their feelings. Everything should be about your DD and her feelings and reactions.

Avoid starting sentences with "you".

Do not bring up lots of things from the past, focus on the immediate problem.

Let her know that you love and miss her.

There is something called a validation statement in Valerie Porr's book. I included a modified version of it in my letter, i.e. " I must have said and done a lot of things to hurt you for us to get into this situation. I didn't understand how much you were hurting". Someone may remember the original version.

Even given all this careful wording I initially got a very angry response- and I am still sometimes getting that- but at least the door is slightly open.

I have found that using DBT tools myself has helped me to cope with my hurt feelings.

I can't recommend Valerie Porr's book highly enough.

Do remember that this is only a begining if you decide to write to your DD. She may not respond or she may not respond in the way you hope.

Think carefully what your aim is before embarking on this.

I don't underestimate for a moment how painful it all is