Wife not ready to give divorce nor reconcile

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi,

I had filed for divorce under cruelty and violence. As per law the court sent us for mediation and during our first hearing my wife's lawyer stated that she wants to reconcile and live together. I was requested to look into it.

Over the next week we discussed, the reconciliation terms and I was asked to prepare the same as my wife's lawyer refused to draft it. Even though I am representing myself (ie. without a lawyer), I prepared the draft and sent it to them.

My wife and her lawyer sat on it for 4 months and during which we had 3 court dates and mediation sessions. In each session she stated that we are negotiating the consent terms. Recently I sent her a detailed email putting all the facts across and pushing her to respond to the terms which were made on her behest.

During my Court date and mediation today, she started that she is not being given a fair chance to put her points, facts and proofs across. To which I responded that she had full 2 years of separation to put across her points. Further 4 months of court / mediation time to put across her points.

She negated the consent terms for reconciliation, which she herself had requested, stating that she was not being given a fair chance of putting across her points and would wish to go in for a contested divorce to prove that she is right. The Councillor tried explaining her, that she wanted to stay with me and if I am giving her this opportunity she should take it. Acceptance of mistakes is the first step in correcting them. Further, she explained that by contesting the divorce she will not gain anything as the court cannot compel me to stay with her. She also brought out the fact that it is just ego satisfaction that I proved myself to be right. This is the prime time of our life and it does not make sense of wasting it in the Courts with no end objective.

The Councillor read the consent terms prepared by me and stated that all the points seemed fair and genuine and can be worked upon.

The discussion turned into what issues were we facing and my wife turned livid when I openly shared incidences of cruelty and DV with the Councillor. Her response was that she will not get back together as she will not accept her mistakes and makes amends to the same. 

Further, she will not go in for a mutual consent divorce nor leave me. She will fight till the supreme court, howsoever long it takes to get my application dismissed. She does not want any maintenance or alimony.

I am very perplexed at her behaviour:

1) First she went to the Supreme Court to get the petition transferred to her city of residence so that she could get a fair opportunity to put forward her side of the story.

2) They she feigned that she is sorry for whatever she had done and is ready to a consent terms to stay together.

3) Then when I agree and draft the consent terms she drags her feet on the same and does not put forward her side of the story in any counseling sessions or during any meeting. (Only states that the terms are unfair, not even pointing out which points are unfair or clarifying anything)

4) Then she goes ahead and herself asks the Councillor to give a 'failed' report. (as happened today)

5) But she does not want to leave me or start afresh. She wants to be my wife till enternity. She wants no alimony /  maintenance but wants to contest the divorce. What is she contesting for, I was amply clear that if today she walks out of the Councillor and we enter into contesting the divorce petition, even if my petition is dismissed, I will never ever ever stay with her or reconcile.

Now how do I tackle this situation where my wife does not want anything but only wants to satisfy her ego in the court.

Strategies to handle this situation would be helpful.

Thanks and Regards,

[Mr. Black]

Hi,

I had filed for divorce under cruelty and violence. As per law the court sent us for mediation and during our first hearing my wife's lawyer stated that she wants to reconcile and live together. I was requested to look into it.

Over the next week we discussed, the reconciliation terms and I was asked to prepare the same as my wife's lawyer refused to draft it. Even though I am representing myself (ie. without a lawyer), I prepared the draft and sent it to them.

My wife and her lawyer sat on it for 4 months and during which we had 3 court dates and mediation sessions. In each session she stated that we are negotiating the consent terms. Recently I sent her a detailed email putting all the facts across and pushing her to respond to the terms which were made on her behest.

During my Court date and mediation today, she started that she is not being given a fair chance to put her points, facts and proofs across. To which I responded that she had full 2 years of separation to put across her points. Further 4 months of court / mediation time to put across her points.

She negated the consent terms for reconciliation, which she herself had requested, stating that she was not being given a fair chance of putting across her points and would wish to go in for a contested divorce to prove that she is right. The Councillor tried explaining her, that she wanted to stay with me and if I am giving her this opportunity she should take it. Acceptance of mistakes is the first step in correcting them. Further, she explained that by contesting the divorce she will not gain anything as the court cannot compel me to stay with her. She also brought out the fact that it is just ego satisfaction that I proved myself to be right. This is the prime time of our life and it does not make sense of wasting it in the Courts with no end objective.

The Councillor read the consent terms prepared by me and stated that all the points seemed fair and genuine and can be worked upon.

The discussion turned into what issues were we facing and my wife turned livid when I openly shared incidences of cruelty and DV with the Councillor. Her response was that she will not get back together as she will not accept her mistakes and makes amends to the same. 

Further, she will not go in for a mutual consent divorce nor leave me. She will fight till the supreme court, howsoever long it takes to get my application dismissed. She does not want any maintenance or alimony.

I am very perplexed at her behaviour:

1) First she went to the Supreme Court to get the petition transferred to her city of residence so that she could get a fair opportunity to put forward her side of the story.

2) They she feigned that she is sorry for whatever she had done and is ready to a consent terms to stay together.

3) Then when I agree and draft the consent terms she drags her feet on the same and does not put forward her side of the story in any counseling sessions or during any meeting. (Only states that the terms are unfair, not even pointing out which points are unfair or clarifying anything)

4) Then she goes ahead and herself asks the Councillor to give a 'failed' report. (as happened today)

5) But she does not want to leave me or start afresh. She wants to be my wife till enternity. She wants no alimony /  maintenance but wants to contest the divorce. What is she contesting for, I was amply clear that if today she walks out of the Councillor and we enter into contesting the divorce petition, even if my petition is dismissed, I will never ever ever stay with her or reconcile.

Now how do I tackle this situation where my wife does not want anything but only wants to satisfy her ego in the court.

Strategies to handle this situation would be helpful.

Thanks and Regards,

[livednlearned]

Your wife sounds like she has some strong narcissistic traits.

It is unlikely that your divorce will be low-conflict. Often, the behaviors that were present during the marriage persist during the divorce, and court tends to inflame narcissistic injuries. It's often recommended to spoon feed narcissists as much positive reinforcement as possible -- I didn't find it worked with N/BPDx during my divorce, but I also did many things out of fear that in turn inflamed his ego. You have to weigh the consequences of appeasing the narcissism in ways that don't jeopardize you in court, and that can be too tricky for many of us. Instead, I developed a very clear goal (sole custody of S12), and then worked with my lawyer to develop a strategy to get there.

Can you get a consultation with a lawyer to find out how to move the divorce forward when the opposing party obstructs the process? These are not easy divorces, and representing yourself is likely to make it harder for you.

It sounds like you have no kids. Is there property or other division of assets?

[david]

My ex ran away in 2007. She then wanted to reconcile, then changed her mind, then changed it back. This went on for months. We have two kids together. Looking back I think she wanted to save face. I couldn't make sense of anything she was doing back then and that just triggered her more. Eventually all kinds of false accusations against me presented themselves. She started spreading lies and accused me of physical, verbal, emotional, and spiritual abuse. We are now divorced and the kids are doing well. I still get emails accusing me of one or more types of abuse. I haven't spoken to her in over two years. I don't go near her unless I absolutely have to and I always have a video and an audio recorder with me. One of her false accusations had me in jail for two weeks.

Don't try to make sense of it because it will only give you a headache. Figure out your best course of action and go forward.

[Mr. Black]

We have no kids or any property in joint or individual names.

For getting a divorce, as a husband, I need to prove cruelty on her part and unfortunately during the time we were living together, I used to project that everything was hunky dory to our friends and family. This has now become an issue as everyone feels this separation has happened all of a sudden and as always the man is to be blamed.