Constant "acting out" since psychiatrist has stopped him self-medicating.

[sweetheart]

Afternoon Everyone,

I am sitting here quietly seething purely because I don't know how to navigate my way through this new drama. I posted last week and with support from here took a short break away last weekend with my son. It was very lovely and I returned to a quieter somewhat remorseful husband. I am however under no illusion that this would be short-lived for many reasons but the main one is that his Community Mental Health Team have taken control of his medication. By this I mean they are only dispensing it every two days so that my dBPDh cannot constantly self-medicate or take impulsive overdoses when he is dysregulated. His ok behaviour lasted until yesterday where he started to become irritable and then he slips easily into 'victim' mentality where he starts projecting and gaslighting ( this is something he does a lot ). Last night I took myself off for an early night and left him ranting and muttering in the kitchen about everyone abusing him. When he is like this I have learnt validation does not work, he is spoiling for a fight.

Today his mood his paranoid and 'black' he is walking around the house with a bandana over his mouth! He wants a response from me, but what he wants more than anything is extra medication, so in its absence he is drinking beer in our bedroom listening to hip hop that is loud enough for the lyrics to be heard clearly downstairs. I have done the " I would really appreciate you listening through the headphones as I don't want J to hear all the swearing and the woman hating lyrics." I don't want to hear it either! I have been out all morning swimming with our son and I want a relaxed afternoon indoors. Do I just ignore the music and wait until he is in a better frame of mind to talk about it, our son is playing in the garden so he is protected from the worst of it. Or do I try again knowing that this will trigger some kind of 'outburst' ?

Do you know the worst of it I am hanging on here for primarily financial reasons at the moment, it is the continuous emotional conflict, either spoken or unspoken that is crushing the life out of me. I also stay because the  relationship my son has with his father is a good one, it is remarkably untainted by all that goes on.

[sweetheart]

Sorry it's me again. I don't know if I am posting on the right board either, but I am undecided definitely.

[Surnia]

This is a difficult situation, sweetheart! I hear you and I can imagine how difficult this is for you. 

In a way its good they start to do something against his self medication - its however very difficult for you and your son, living together. Drinking beer is another form of self medication... .  

Do you have a place you could go with your son, when its too tough?

[sweetheart]

Thank you for your reply - the beer drinking is new and yes another form of self medication. I am hoping it will settle down.

The problem for me and our son is that we have nowhere to go, we have no external support network which for me makes everything that little bit harder. It kind of amplifies the tension for me and there are only so many times leaving the house is an option. There is also a bit of me that doesn't want to have to keep going anywhere, unless the situation is a risky one, I just want to relax in my own home. I sound like I'm whining, perhaps i am. Perhaps having a couple of beers chilling on a long weekend should be perfectly reasonable, maybe I am making more out of it than is necessary and this May feed the tension for us both.

The afternoon into early evening now has levelled out into an uneventful quiet evening. I did nothing about the music, kept my thoughts to myself about the beer and no fight ensued and the tension abated.

[Surnia]

  SH

Good you have had a eventful evening.

To have a bit more of support could be a longer term goal for you. When dealing with mental problems in a relationships its important to have people around, good friends or family members. It can help.

Does he speak about the new situation or rather not?

[sweetheart]

Thanks Surnia for your responses. I definitely think that my dBPDh current feelings and behaviours are linked to the new controls placed upon him through his treatment team. They have left him very little wiggle room, and I am validating when he is responsive, and I am no longer allowing myself to be the container for all his negative emotions. This is new for me as in the past and until recently I just absorbed all his negativity, I felt I had to listen to absolutely everything he said to me, and I also took a long time to try and stop fixing things.

What is starting to impact on my life slowly is the use of Radical Acceptance, and if I stay this will be the tool that I am going to explore more, for me it makes a lot of sense - early days though.

What is also interesting is that in my dBPDh psychiatric review last week he was offered DBT, this is the first time it has been formally mentioned, he declined, saying he doesn't need to be psychoanalysed. It has however given me a way in to refer back to it, which I did yesterday evening when he said about how hopeless he is feeling and nothing makes that feeling go away. He said he keeps returning to the belief that he is the problem, has been all his life, I did validate the awfulness of feeling like this (which it is) and we talked briefly about how this belief might taint everything that is good in his life leaving him feeling sad and angry all the time and that DBT might be a way to improve how is feeling. This was met with silence but at least I have an "in".

Better day today, even though he remains isolative am off swimming with our son for the afternoon 

[Surnia]

... . and I am validating when he is responsive, and I am no longer allowing myself to be the container for all his negative emotions. This is new for me as in the past and until recently I just absorbed all his negativity, I felt I had to listen to absolutely everything he said to me, and I also took a long time to try and stop fixing things.

This is spot on and a great approach I think! 


As for DBT and his aversion to be psychoanalyzed: Perhaps it needs some time to sink in for him that DBT is something else than being analyzed, and that a lot of research about brain, emotions, learning is going on and created new therapy forms like DBT. Good approach to have an "in" and not to apply to much pressure on it.

[sweetheart]

Hi all,

I need some help.

It's a continuation of all of the above. It's 1245pm here in the uk and my dBPDh has just started drinking beer, I walked into the porch and he was there drinking, so I walked back out again. I am sure that my actions will be interpreted as disapproving and he would be right because I don't want this to be happening. This is new in as much as when he drinks it's always in the evening and after our son has gone to bed. I talked about my concern if he drank in the day years ago with him after our son was born.  There has never really been any problems with alcohol apart from if he is dysregulsted. He drinks in the evenings after dinner and it's been okay up till now. You will see from entries that this is gathering a bit of momentum.

I have my own issues around alcohol because my father was an alcoholic and sometimes it's hard not to muddle up what is going on for my dBPDh with my fathers alcoholism. I know that I am unhappy with him drinking in the day in relation to it being around our son. Also if he drinks too much this makes him irritable and his impulse control is zero! I also know that this is absolutely him replacing one addiction for another now his medication is being controlled by his doctor. My dBPDh also knows how I feel about him drinking in the day or him being under the influence of alcohol around our son.

So my question is how do I address this with him, or do I just leave it and hope it just fizzles out?

I wonder is he looking for a fight, I have not talked about anything with him about the changes in his treatment, just reminded him he had an appointment tomorrow. He has just gone upstairs now and slammed the door really hard. Downstairs now ignoring me   Trouble is surely brewing 

Any advice would be great.

[sweetheart]

Hi

I know, I know well I didn't wait I had to address the alcohol issue as he was taking all the beer upstairs into the bedroom. I asked him if he could stop slamming the doors, and I followed on with asking him if he could try not to drink in the day especially when our son will be coming home from school. Okay maybe I should have waited but I couldn't, but it was like lighting the touch paper, so whoosh he is off and ranting - he has just phoned his social worker and he is ranting down the phone to him now. Usually I would have intervened by now but I am going to leave it run it's course. He is gaslighting about me now to the social worker, oh I hope the social worker knows what he is dealing with? He is threatening the social worker saying they are all on my side, I shall wait and see what happens... . He's telling the social worker he wants a £1000, threatening to do an armed robbery!

[Surnia]

Wow, this is a difficult for you and its fast spiraling down. And regarding his action, treating about a robbery, it shows in my eyes that he cannot deal with the whole situation neither.

Do you had any contact with his psychiatrist? Is there a plan about him seeing his psychiatrist from time to time while changing his medication?

I know its not much I have to offer as an advice. I am also worried about your safety. Please keep us posted.

[sweetheart]

I left the house early and phoned his social worker just to let him know what was happening from my perspective. The problem is they are all treading on eggshells around the BPD diagnosis, and yet that is his primary presentation and has been for the last year. They are only really firefighting symptoms and crisis as they occur still despite the recent review. They are controlling his prescribed meds so that he can't kill himself with those, they are covering themselves. He has had no regular P since last July when his P of 6 years retired. They have identified that he needs continuity from a P that is not a locum and who can try and establish a rapport with him. I don't really understand why they are so reluctant to properly address the BPD.

I shouldn't have challenged him while he was drinking and starting to dysregulate, but I don't think there would have been a right time, but my ill timed comments were the trigger. It's so hard I just didn't want our son to be exposed to him drinking. I keep feeling as though it is me that is making things worse for him by not knowing how to handle myself with the smaller day to day things. Ironically the big full on crises are much easier to cope with. He had gone when we returned home will just wait and see what happens. I'm just so tired at the moment.

Surnia thank you for your concern, I have never felt at risk from my dBPDh, that is in no way meant to dismiss the issues you raise about safety. I would not hesitate to call the police as I have done on numerous occasions over the last year if I felt in anyway unsafe. Luckily he is easy to read when dysregulated and I have learnt over the years when to remove myself and quickly from a situation. I am uncertain about a lot of things, but the safety of myself and my son is my priority.

[Surnia]

I can so relate that even if it might be not wise to address his drinking like you did it, that you don't want your son exposed to it. And its understandable for yourself too with your history of your father.

Luckily he is easy to read when dysregulated and I have learnt over the years when to remove myself and quickly from a situation. I am uncertain about a lot of things, but the safety of myself and my son is my priority.

Sounds like you are very aware of it. 

I would be tired too in your shoes, sweetheart. Being a mother under such circumstances is really hard work and its important that you look after yourself too. 

[sweetheart]

Surnia I just want to say thank you so much for taking the time to respond to my posts it really means a lot to me. Sometimes I feel very isolated with everything and the process of posting has helped with this. Thank you again for your kindness.

[Surnia]

 

It comes from my heart and from my own experience how difficult it is, being isolated and dealing with situations like yours actually and mine was some time ago.