Another one bites the dust

[PaulaJeanne]

BPD Daughter 20 (21 this week) never came home last night, never showed up for work this morning. Broke up with her bf last week. Another job gone, another relationship ended.

I knew all of this would happen when she went off the rails three weeks ago after her brother-in-law (my oldest daughters husband) used BPD's password to read her texts & emails. She accused him of being a pervert & accused her sister (who LOVES her) of protecting him after he molested her (I don't think he actually did that, but his actions have been inappropriate). My middle daughter and her husband are trying to bring this all to the police. This all caused a huge rift in my family which has destroyed me.

I have cried every day for three weeks. Am trying to keep all three of my daughters in my life, but I'm totally drained. Right now I don't know if she's dead or alive or in jail. But she's probably sleeping at some guy's house & doesn't give a damn about anything or anybody.

Meanwhile I can't look at my SIL in the face, and my visits with my oldest daughter & my beautiful 9 month old granddaughter are bittersweet.

Now I have to go to work, and I have to take care of some things for my 94 year old aunt, who is blind & in assisted living, but I am her POA & medical proxy & am responsible for her. Sometimes I just want to end it all myself.  :'(

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[crazedncrazymom]

Hi PaulaJeanne,

Our kids do drive us crazy don't they?  They are on this rollercoaster of highs and lows and it just never stops.  I hope you hear from your daughter soon.  I think we all know how it is to worry about a missing child.

I'm so sorry you're going through this situation.  I can imagine how torn you must feel.  I know it's so hard to keep going when everything seems to be falling apart.  You must be feeling so overwhelmed with all the emotions and responsibilities that never let up.  These hard times pass and things will get a little easier.  I worry about that last statement you made.  Do you have a counselor?  I think it would be a great idea to talk with someone who can help you sort out all of these overwhelming emotions.


-crazed

[lever.]

I really feel for you PauulaJeanne.

There has been a big fall out in my own family but it is the daughter with BPD who used the password to read her sister's e-mails.

Your S-i-L *did* invade your daughter's privacy and I expect she FEELS violated. With BPD feelings=facts, therefore the jump to the accusation that her B-I-L molested her.

I think she needs massive validation of her feelings of anger and betrayal.

I am sure your own feelings are all over the place. Everyone has fallen out in my family too and I so want harmony to be restored.

You can't fix this or control how other family members react. Your s-i-l will have to take the consequences of his actions.

I have 3GC by the BPD daughter and have been desperate to maintain contact with them. This has all been jeapordised by everyone else's falling out.

Do hang in there -all your daughters need you.

When our fall out happened I couldn't stop crying and was actually vomiting, although I didn't tell anyone.

I feel better now and we are working through it slowly

Keep strong -things will change if you have patience.

Personally I see your daughter with BPD as the victim here and it has all probably triggered a lot of disregulation. I think validation is the way to go.

All I could say to the older daughter is that you love her and it isn't her fault but you are disappointed in her husband.

I found the use of mindfulness meditation for myself helpful and also posting on this site.

Do you ever speak to a therapist for yourself.

I made 2 appointments just when things were difficult and it helped.

Strangely enough my mother is 94 and has a lot of physical problems and mild dementia. I visit her every day and have the same legal responsibilities as you have for your aunt.

Your post leapt out at me with all the similarities.

Do keep in touch and let us know how your daughter is.

[js friend]

Hi paulajeanne,


You have so much going on emiotnally that you have become overwhelmed with all the stress,and it can overtake our rational thinking. Some good advice i was given was when was feeling  like that was not to focus on the situationas a whole but in smaller chunks what I have achieved or can change and alolw myself the time for these things to happen.

But taking BPD out of it... . your SIL had no right to  looking through your dd's emails without her permission so she has a right to be upset with him. I would be too if that were me.It does sound a bit creepy to me that he should be looking through her emails. Makes me wonder if he is trying to find something to hold over her.

And i agree with Lever that the jump from this to the accusation of molestation probably isnt too far in her mind.i know my dd is usually very good at reading people and has highlighted things to me int he past that i never saw. Your dd probably feels violated and is not dealing well  emotionally with things that have happened recently,... . bf breakup, losing her job. I think that would be a lot for any young girl these days to take on the chin and coupled with what has happend involving BIL she probably feels a huge amount of shame in what he has read about her in her emails and texts and hence  has going AWOL.I understand you want her home , but she doesnt have the coping skills to come to you right now... . my dd is the same.

But Im sure that your dd will be back with you soon.

Take it easy on yourself PJ. keep ringing her and leave little messages if you can telling her you love her and are here for her.

I know... . ts the worry and not knowing that is probably the worse... .

[tristesse]

I am so sorry that you are going  through this right now.

I understand the fear of not knowing if your daughter is alive and well, and it is one of the worst. I agree that your BPD daughter needs massive validation of her feelings, She needs to know that she has a right to feel the way she does, and that what her BIL did was wrong and unacceptable. I have no profound advice to help you deal, because I am just learning myself, but I do wish you well, and hope you find peace.

[jellibeans]

dear paula jean

I just wanted to send a hug your way... . I hoping you have had chance to rest and recover. I see you posted very late at night and often that is when we have the least amount of strength. Today is a new day and hopefully you have had contact with your dd.

[PaulaJeanne]

thanks to all you dear folks who responded.  . I've been seeing a therapist since this started, & I think she's helping me. Tomorrow will be my fourth visit. She's focusing me on the only things I can control, my own reactions & my own life.

I havent validated my BPDd's feelings enough. Selfishly, I think I want to minimize things because of the disastrous impact this has had on the whole family. My two younger daughters want me & my husband to "confront" the SIL, but I don't know what good that will do and I don't want to alienate my oldest daughter, his wife. I'm really struggling with my thoughts on future dealings with the SIL. It's been easy to avoid him because he's been going to school on the weekends, but that ended this week. I don't know how to see my granddaughter & oldest daughter without seeing him, but I cannot see him. At some point I want to tell him what destruction his actions have caused and ask him to make amends, get psychological help, come clean about everything/anything he's done & sincerely apologize. But my feelings are too raw for that right now, & I don't know if my BPD daughter would or should accept such an apology, or if she should even be subjected to an email/letter or any contact from him. The situation seems hopeless.

[jellibeans]

Paula Jeanne

These are the times to put some boundaries in place regarding your SIL... . What exctly has he done? I am not sure I fully understand but if the police need to be included then I would contact them. If he is not safe around your dd then how safe is he with you gd?

[PaulaJeanne]

jellibeans that is the question. my SIL's wife is the daughter I'm closest to. She has always been reasonable, analytical, intelligent, & the only one of my kids who cares about how anything affects me. My other two have caused me a lot of grief. BUt... . my SIL is weird. He does strange things. After superstorm sandy when their home was destroyed they lived with us for about 7 months. one night we were all drinking, and I know he bumped into me by accident... . on purpose. nothing sexual at all, but i knew he did it intentionally & it made me feel odd. Another time, again when everyone was drinking, he wandered into the wrong bedroom. Nothing happened, but everyone felt strange.

Well, tonite I found out my BPD daughter shot heroin. I blame her, BPD, her f'ng drug addict loser friends, myself for not being a better mother and my SIL for sparking this whole disregulaytion B{D d is home & called her boss who will give her one more chance... . Thank God! I think she will actually go to work tomorrow. Thank you Seattle based coffee shop... . you are a good employer. my BPDd is very lucky. If I was her boss at my financial services firm I would have fired her ass.

I called a drug treatment center and of course since she's not a minor they can't talk to me, but they have no room for a couple of days anyway. This is impossible. You just can't get the help you need without being a nobel physicist... . and they don't need help. the mental health system in this country is a disgrace.

[lever.]

Hi, PaulaJeanne,

Well at least she's home.

I have been thinking about your situation.

Do you know for absolute sure that your s-i-l did hack in to her e-mails? I only ask because I'm not sure if your daughter would be inclined to say things that aren't true.

If he did he is most definitely the person in the wrong.

If your eldest DD is sensible have you been able to talk to her about it on her own.

If this did happen I do think your DDwBPD needs massive validation of her feelings.

I wonder if you could talk openly to your eldest daughter and tell her how important your relationship with her and your GC is to you but that what her husband has done has really upset her younger sister and you have to give younger sister your support. ( perhaps use an SET format with older DD?).

Although my situation is different I sort of understand as whilst I try to rebuild my relationship with my DDwBPD, who was the e-mail hacker in my case, I feel as if I'm saying her behaviour towards her sister is acceptable and her sister is the one who shows consideration for me and her Dad.

I understand the temptation to minimize your s-i-l's  behaviour because of the impact on family relationships but if he is being inappropriate with your younger DD in any way she needs your support.

I really do feel for you. Take care

[jellibeans]

paula jeanne

I am so sorry to read your dd was shooting up... . what a hard habit to kick. I do think you need to have a conversations with your SIL. I would go with my gut when it comes to him. If you are feeling he is odd I bet your dd feels that too. I hope she can get in somewhere... . hang in there

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[PaulaJeanne]

It is undisputable that my SIL used dd's password to access her acccounts. She had given him her p/w some time ago, maybe to fix a virus or something. When he linked his iMac to her Icloud account, she got messages from Apple telling her she was linked to his (they had his name) iMac. She forwarded them to me, and I forwarded them via text to him, & told him this was NOT OKAY & he can't do things like this. That's when he told his wife, my oldest daughter, what he had done.

It's now been four weeks. My husband & I haven't been in contact with him since... . I dont know how he could possibly suffer any consequences from not seeing us. So we don't take him out to dinner or my sister's beach house. big deal. The consequences are all on my nuclear family in that we don't get to function as a family any more. And on my BPDd who will turn 21 this month. If she doesn't kill herself first doing drugs.

You folks have been giving me excellent feedback. I discussed this all with by husband, & we have been validating a lot. She went to work this morning, so all is not lost. But later today she will want to go back into town where her drug addict friends are.

It was her bf, the one she dumped last week, who told us about the heroin. Apparently she told him about it, & she had to know he'd tell us. I don't know what to think about that. Probably giving me false hope that she wants us to intervene, but how do I stop an adult from going out?

[Rapt Reader]

PaulaJeanne 

Your BPD daughter has both mental health issues, and also a heroin addiction. She should qualify for a Dual Diagnosis Program if you have one in your area, and if it has beds available. Does she have any professionals involved with her right now? Outpatient Therapist? Psychiatrist? Psychologist? M.D.? A "normal" Rehab would be good in a pinch, to help her detox and get clean, but my own adult (37) son with BPD couldn't kick the heroin addiction (after 2 Rehab stays in a 3 year period) until he was admitted to a 21-day Intensive Inpatient Dual Diagnosis Program. At such a program, they treat the mental health issues as a main priority, and then the addiction issues as co-morbid to the mental health issues--self-medicating to try to feel better.

He was admitted in mid-March of 2013, and discharged in early April 2013, and has been clean and sober (of everything!) for the last 14 months. He learned so much about himself--learned DBT--at that Dual Dx Center, that I can't say enough good things about them. Do you know if you have anything like that around you? Do you have some sort of medical professional who could recommend one for her? If she knows she has a problem, wants help for it and would accept that help, there is hope for her... .

[lever.]

That really  is quite creepy behavior. What does your eldest daughter say about it?

I am so sorry that you are in the middle of all this.

As someone said earlier it is all a mess at the moment but try to focus on breaking it down into chunks and dealing with one thing at a time. The first thing is to keep letting your youngest daughter know that she has your full support over this particular issue.

It does look like there is hope that she is recognizing that she needs help.

Perhaps helping your DDwBPD find the best treatment is the most constucyive place to start

[PaulaJeanne]

I called a local psych hospital that has a dual diagnosis program. My daughter had actually stayed there a few times in the juvenile program. They have a several day waiting list, but she has to be willing. So at this point we need to try to foster a dialog to get her to agree to that.

She's made it to her job yesterday & today. I already told her the reason she has a car is to go to work, so no job, no car. I also told her that I can't live with a heroin addict, and asked her if she has somewhere else to live. She said no. My husband & i agree that if this continues we not allow her to live in our home.

This is so hard:  empathy and validation paired with tough love.

[Rapt Reader]

It is hard, PaulaJeanne; I do know that from experience.

Does she have any interest at all in getting clean? Does she realize she has a problem and needs help? I guess if she were faced with the choice of either leaving your home and fending for herself, or going into a Program to get the help she needs to live a clean and sober life, that could make her face reality head-on.

I do know that when we finally became aware of my son's addiction, his choice was to leave our home or get help. He said he had already been trying on his own kick his addiction (and in retrospect, we'd realized he was right--he'd been detoxing on his own off and on, and we misunderstood that as some type of flu or virus   ). So he decided to get the professional help he needed... .

[PaulaJeanne]

Well, today's her 21st birthday. She has admitted to using only once (altho I'm sure that's a lie), and rejected my suggestion for rehab. My husband & I plan to tell her tonight she can only live here if she stays clean, tests clean. Otherwise she either agrees & sets up a rehab stay, or she has to move out. This will be the hardest thing we've done... . following a good 8 years of very very difficult things. Wish me luck. She can charm us both into a false sense of normalcy.

[jellibeans]

Paula Jeanne

I am thinking about you today and hope your talk with your dd goes well. I do think it is good boundary to place on her and I am hoping she takes advantage of the opportunity she is being given by you. Take care

[PaulaJeanne]

Well, I had that conversation & I guess it went okay in that there was no blow-up. When I first brought up the issue of the drug testing, her reaction was "That's $30, I'm not paying for it". I said I'd pay for it & she said "okay, its a deal." I was telling her that her father & I agree we cannot have a junkie living in our house, & she said "Who are you talking about?" Genuine confusion... . she thought I was talking about her new boyfriend. I explained I was talking about her, she had this look on her face. I don't know if any of you are old enought to remember the look on the Manson girls' faces when they were arrested & in court after the murders with Charles Manson. Sort of like they were exhilarated and they knew SO MUCH more than the other mere mortals.

She's been going to work at 4:30 in the morning, coming home, sleeping & then going out until the next day after work. So I don't know if she's been using. If I test her & she has been using, I'll have to take her car & kick her out, which means she'll lose her job. I hate to go down that path... . where will it lead? But she probably knows my feelings & thinks that's her ace in the hole.

So do I pull the trigger? Best case, she's clean. My gut tells me that's not what I'm going to find. Then I have to keep my word, take the car, kick her out & pray she doesn't die.

By the way, only my oldest daughter, the one with the problem husband, bothered to call me to wish me a happy mother's day.

[PaulaJeanne]

Oh, and I say all that asssuming she will reject going to rehab... . I suppose it's theoretically possible she'd agree, but I doubt it;.

[MammaMia]

PaulaJeanne

Please talk with your therapist about all of the information above.  You really need someone to guide you through the emotional turmoil, and you will feel better if you share things one-on-one.

Your SIL should be ashamed of what he has done.  I would make sure he understands that and that IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN. HE ALSO NEEDS TO APOLOGIZE TO DD, YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND.

You are not a bad mother... . your daughter is mentally ill, just like ours. She needs to be allowed to take full responsibility for her actions and behavior and you need to let her.  Stop focusing her pain onto yourself.

Stay strong and remember to take care of PaulaJeanne because YOU are important too.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders