Man I can't believe how honest you are and how much you are hitting some of my core.
I have been comfortable in pain my whole life - inferiority and even masochistic in some ways. Deserved hurt, deserved all the things my own worthlessness brought upon me. yes I had the molestation (curse developing a mature body by 11) and the tampering etc. Being exposed to bizarre porn at a young age also took its toll. I was promiscuous after the last sexual assault - nothing to lose now - I am soiled and have nothing to save. Partly I equated sex with approval - no one would sleep with you if you weren't attractive right? But partly it was another way to set myself up for the inevitable pain. It was better than numbness. I could long.
Long for better things, long for someone who would finally fulfill my wishlist (and I had a literal list) Long for intensity and drama and to be thrilled and 'love' like that and be 'loved' like that.
After a particularly heartrending adventure that took me 2000 miles from home at the tender age of 19 I ended up on a bus for 2 and a half days straight being awake and mourning and crying and FEELING I realised I loved feeling this intensity. But it was wearing me out. It felt like the same strength when my best friend died. her death, perversely made me feel more alive. And the fact that I felt so intensely was PROOF of that.
I got deeper and deeper into the idea that I had to feel pain to feel intensely. This made it incomprehensible that when i first met the man who is my husband that he was calm. Not dramatic. Reserved. And completely unpredictable. I can't understand why I was attracted to him SO much when he didn't provoke my need for drama. When instead of screeching and slamming doors he just held me. When i wanted to go wild in bed he calmed me. When I misunderstood him or riled at him or hated on him or demanded more love more -everything he waited till it was past.
And then he would throw things off kilter. Sudenly drive off somewhere. I'd go inSANE. Where is he? Is he coming back? Often guys left and never came back. I'd obsess for hours (no mobile phones then) And suddenly he'd be back. With a pair of socks for me. Socks? wth? WTH? Socks? But it worked.
It may be that as you graduate through your pain you will find your desire to be with someone healthier may rise. As you learn to love yourself you could find that you don't need to feel used in order to feel excitement.
Can I assure you that even now after 14 years our sex is explosive but healthy. he drives me NUTS. As my need for comfort in stinging pain has abated (not disappeared) I have begun to accept that there IS drama in the 'ordinary' there are people who can take you by surprise and love you intensely without using or exploiting you.
Wishing you relief from pain
Z
(I put that hug in there cause you said you are non huggy. I had a non huggy friend. She likes hugs more now. i hope you will too )
Thank you so much for writing this. I feel the same way, except I have more of a "Madonna" complex.
I have only slept with three males. For some reason I feel my value is higher the lower my number is.
But once I am with someone I experience all of those things and more.
I think if I didn't have so many body issues I would be promiscuous. I have fantasized about
being a stripper, as shameful as that is, to even being an escort a prostitute. I have never acted
on any of that though.
My ex is very misogynistic and perverted. I really wouldn't be surprised if
he used prostitutes regularly. I want it to stop... . I do want a man that will love me, or woman,
as is without all the crazy. But it scares the living crap out of me. It is my own personal Hell.
This man contacted me yesterday... and I still responded! I feel numb to him... but I can hear
the desire slowly beckoning to gain his love and affection through my sexuality again. It is very painful,
and I am addicted to the pain. It feels very symbiotic to his narcissism/BPD. I just want it to stop.
Not a peep from him today, and I feel some of those old feelings creeping slowly back in.
I feel like he knows me so well he has planned it that way.
And I'm merely waiting patiently for his attack again. I don't want him to pounce.
I want this pressure in my head to dissipate but it gradually re-emerges no matter what I do.
It's an emptiness that has to be filled. It's a place of self worth that is missing; I fill
it up with sexual and emotional proclivities that I feel are out of my control.
Once someone owns this part of me it is hard to stop the cycle.
It is literally a perversion of my brain.
