Don't feel like being intimate with him

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Lately my bf with BPD's biggest complaint is my lack of interest in intimacy and sex. I don't deny it is true, however he doesn't understand that I am just so turned off and exhausted by his behaviors as of late that sex isn't even on my radar.

We'll go around and around, and he browbeats me all day about some (trivial) thing, usually something he's perceived as my fault.  Then he'll turn on a dime and want to be intimate. 

I can't switch myself on and off like that.  After eight hours of telling me how horrible I treat him the last thing I want to do is touch me. Of course this opens another can of worms because now I'm deemed "cold, frigid, unloving".

What do I do in these situations?

[AllisG]

Lately my bf with BPD's biggest complaint is my lack of interest in intimacy and sex. I don't deny it is true, however he doesn't understand that I am just so turned off and exhausted by his behaviors as of late that sex isn't even on my radar.

We'll go around and around, and he browbeats me all day about some (trivial) thing, usually something he's perceived as my fault.  Then he'll turn on a dime and want to be intimate. 

I can't switch myself on and off like that.  After eight hours of telling me how horrible I treat him the last thing I want to do is touch me. Of course this opens another can of worms because now I'm deemed "cold, frigid, unloving".

What do I do in these situations?

[maxsterling]

I'm in your club.  I made an excuse last night of being tired.  Yeah, it was true, but if I was interested in sex I would have found the energy.  It's been several weeks.

For me, it's not her berating me as much as it is her berating herself.  Every day for the past few weeks I hear her complain about how she looks, too fat, too ugly, that she smells, hates herself.  Complete and total turn off.  Not sure what to do but eventually may just have to be honest with her - "I love you and love being intimate with you, but your struggles with negative self talk make me feel less interested in sex."  I'd probably be telling her something she already know and has been told before, so that will open up the shame further and she will spiral downwards.

[froggy]

I'm in the same boat.

After coming home after 5 weeks away... seeing the contrast after I got back. I made the decision I really have to leave.

The constant negitive talk about everyone and everything just gets soo wearing... how can one person be so negative all the time.

Then after being home a couple weeks I was reminded how awful and one sided sex is.

I have been avoiding it ever since and he confronted me with it 2 weeks ago... told him that I really wasn't interested in 5 min one sided sex with no foreplay whats so ever... that I had no idea why he needed me there as it felt very one sided.

He was quiet for a bit and then says... it's not  his problem that I take forever... . and besides... . THAT'S what lube is for.

Ya done... . just have to remember to get out of bed before he wakes up on Saturday.

Funny when he was turning ME down week after week he didn't have a problem... . I give up even trying and suddenly there's a problem.

[Cipher13]

The current arguemnt in my house is this very topic. My uBPDw can send out angry words, depressiong whoa is me statements of how everything is bad. But I am to see past all of this and find a way to be romantic and loving. You don't slap around a tiger then expect it to let you rub its belly. This doesn't work and she can't see it. All she can see is that I am not attracked to her or want to be intimate. And if I am not being that way then I must be gettign in from someone else or by some other means.

[AllisG]

The current arguemnt in my house is this very topic. My uBPDw can send out angry words, depressiong whoa is me statements of how everything is bad. But I am to see past all of this and find a way to be romantic and loving. You don't slap around a tiger then expect it to let you rub its belly. This doesn't work and she can't see it. All she can see is that I am not attracked to her or want to be intimate. And if I am not being that way then I must be gettign in from someone else or by some other means.

This.  Exactly.

[Cipher13]

How are you handling this? What do you say or do as this is going on. I think I make it worse. I say I will try harder or work on trying to be mor eintimate or closer. But when the attraction isnt there its too hard to fake it or force it. I might as well be saying I don't want to because I don't think I will be called any worse names.

[bpbreakout]

Thanks for posting this cipher. Exactly the same issue in our relationship and really validating for me to see that there are other guys out there with the same issue as well. I really don't feel lile being intimate with someone who is rude, puts me down and picks fights with me almost every day and at the same time "demands" romance. I would rather keep my distance and focus on the positive things my life. Apparently this is all down to me because I'm cold and uncaring though I guess if I was like that I would just get what I want whenever I want & get on with my life - apparently a lot of other guys do this and it's a sign of manhood. Intimacy with us is a bit like the rest of our relationship with me feeling like I have to do all the work and of course as things aren't working at the moment it's all my fault. BPDw "accused" me of being impotent othe other day (as if it's a crime !) so I suggested we go and see a sex therapist which she declined. BPDw does have some issues of her own, sexual abuse in FOO (although she wasn't a victim), extremely sensitive when it comes to discussing sex (I think to do with shame & maybe FOO), menopause and (my opinion only) a lot of unrealistic expectations when it comes to relationships.

I often wish I was with someone who feels innately interested in intimacy as a fun thing to do rather together than have all this negative baggage around it.

[Turkish]

Thanks for posting this cipher. Exactly the same issue in our relationship and really validating for me to see that there are other guys out there with the same issue as well. I really don't feel lile being intimate with someone who is rude, puts me down and picks fights with me almost every day and at the same time "demands" romance. I would rather keep my distance and focus on the positive things my life. Apparently this is all down to me because I'm cold and uncaring though I guess if I was like that I would just get what I want whenever I want & get on with my life - apparently a lot of other guys do this and it's a sign of manhood. Intimacy with us is a bit like the rest of our relationship with me feeling like I have to do all the work and of course as things aren't working at the moment it's all my fault. BPDw "accused" me of being impotent othe other day (as if it's a crime !) so I suggested we go and see a sex therapist which she declined. BPDw does have some issues of her own, sexual abuse in FOO (although she wasn't a victim), extremely sensitive when it comes to discussing sex (I think to do with shame & maybe FOO), menopause and (my opinion only) a lot of unrealistic expectations when it comes to relationships.

I often wish I was with someone who feels innately interested in intimacy as a fun thing to do rather together than have all this negative baggage around it.\

I went through this. I was sent by her to sex therapy in Year 1. Whoever is the "problem" both partners needed to go, as sex is a relationship. After she abandoned me to it, I went one last time, and got validation from both female doctors that of course I had every right to feel the way I did with an abusive partner. My reaction was natural. For the next 5 years, I never had a problem, I just needed validation that I was normal.

Of course, in Years 5-6, which was the last, I cut back on the affection for the same reason. No performance issues at all when we did it, just frequency and amount of affection in general. Her increasingly juvenile and abusive behaviors had outside triggers we never got to discuss (her father's exposed affair), sadly. This triggered her abandonment fears and in short, I ended up on this site and strait to the Leaving Board. It's an issue I really urge you to try and resolve, unless you just don't want to be in the r/s anymore. It won't solve itself.

[Livestrong97]

Same boat with you.  For years I've been trying but with no interest.  Lately, I just can't.  I cannot muster up any desire under BPD circumstances.  I try to explain my reasoning - "when you talk to me the way you do, I am not interested in being with you."  I either get no reply or told I have the problem.  Well, I guess I do have a problem.  I don't know what to do. 

I think I need to look at what I'm doing because when he is verbally abusive, I shut down.  I don't want to be around him or talk to him, so I'm the one giving the silent treatment - it's my only way to protect myself and cope.  I think also when I've distanced myself from him, he won't try.  I'm learning that this is just as bad as his verbal abuse.

[AllisG]

How are you handling this? What do you say or do as this is going on. I think I make it worse. I say I will try harder or work on trying to be mor eintimate or closer. But when the attraction isnt there its too hard to fake it or force it. I might as well be saying I don't want to because I don't think I will be called any worse names.

I don't know how to handle it nor do I know what to say or do anymore.  I feel the same way you do:  everything and anything seems to make it worse.  If I gently tell him how it makes me feel when he verbally tears me apart, that I love him and I am attracted to him but that I need time to cool off before I feel like being intimate. 

But all he hears is: "I'm no longer attracted to you. You're repulsive.  I can't stand you.  I want to sleep with other men.  There's someone else."

If I do have sex when I don't feel connected to him the *I* end up feeling horrible.  He senses I'm just going through the motions and then we argue about that.

It isn't only when it comes to sex either.

He'll spend two hours raging and guilt tripping me about how I didn't call or text him from 12pm to 5pm.  (I was at work, and I never told him I would talk to him before I was finished.)  He'll see I've almost reached my limits and suddenly he wants to have intimate, deep discussions. If I say I don't feel up to it he'll say I am keeping things from him.  If I engage he'll say something to the effect of, "isn't it better when you can be nice and talk to me every once in awhile?"

This coming from the guy who calls, texts, Facebooks, and emails me no less than 100 times a day.  All we do is talk.  I'd say 2/3 of my waking life is spent in contact with him.  But that's another topic.

[Cipher13]

AllisG

Must be a BPD thing completely. You just described my wife. 100's of texts a day. If it goes apast an hour she freaks. Every text she sends has a shelf life that needs to be answered by or the next text is "HELLO?" To of those then it gets nasty. Explaining that I am busy at work means nothing. Well it means that I am meessing around with every female at work right in the open.

I have tried in some ways to tell her that when there is name calling and harsh words that I can't just turn on the charm (of which I do not have much of these days) and be all nice and lovey dovey. She can not be alone. By that I mean she doesn't liek that I take the dog for walks some days. Asks me to take shorter walks. Always asks me if I'm coming back if I am leaving the room to get something. And forget being apart over night. Not even if she is going to her parents house. Either I go or she won't.

[Turkish]

AllisG

Must be a BPD thing completely. You just described my wife. 100's of texts a day. If it goes apast an hour she freaks. Every text she sends has a shelf life that needs to be answered by or the next text is "HELLO?" To of those then it gets nasty. Explaining that I am busy at work means nothing. Well it means that I am meessing around with every female at work right in the open.

I have tried in some ways to tell her that when there is name calling and harsh words that I can't just turn on the charm (of which I do not have much of these days) and be all nice and lovey dovey. She can not be alone. By that I mean she doesn't liek that I take the dog for walks some days. Asks me to take shorter walks. Always asks me if I'm coming back if I am leaving the room to get something. And forget being apart over night. Not even if she is going to her parents house. Either I go or she won't.

This is the object constancy  issue,  which goes back

to their core abandonment wound in infancy.  it's the same reason babies cry when their caregiver leaves the room,  or babies feel anxious without that constant reassurance you are there for them,  and they require so much affection.  We understand why children need it. pwBPD are emotionally stuck at that age.  add it to an adult body and intellect,  and it can drive nons  crazy.  That's why the validation tools on the staying board are indispensable,  if the non can master them.  But we know even that is no guarantee of success.

[Littleleft]

All of this thread is so familiar to me.

We have the same lack of intimacy issue in our r/s and have done for quite a while now. The almost constant hate filled put downs, blame, criticism, anger and general verbal and emotional abuse have led to that side shutting down on my part and he can't understand it.

I've tried explaining that I need to feel safe and loved to want to be intimate, and that the behaviour I experience from him is far from safe and loving.  So because we're not being intimate, one of the frequent reoccurring topics during his rages is me being a 'slut' and a 'slapper' etc! This is because I had more r/s's than him prior to ours, but it doesn't matter to him that we've been together 12 years and I've obviously only been with him during that time!  He also says things about thinking I'm going to meet other men when I'm not with him, and says things like 'I know you're secret' but won't say exactly what he means when I ask him what he's talking about.

I feel like Ive been shutting down my emotions and feelings toward him to prevent me getting hurt anymore and I'm not sure I can get past that now.

I get the constant contact too. When I was at my last job he would repeatedly phone me over and over and over and ranting down the phone at me when I answered and when it got to the point that I'd have to say I cant keep doing this today, he'd threaten to come to my work and cause trouble for me.

When I'm at home with him it's very difficult to get some time to myself, he wants to talk soo much to me, he's very demanding of my time and doesn't understand how draining it is to live an existence that switches between the demanding my attention and the explosive angry outbursts ripping me to pieces.

I know it must be awful to deal with the feelings he lives with and I know that he does want to change.  I'm just not sure that I can see things changing enough for me to be able to cope with it.

[JennaLindsey]

I have 100% been there with my husband. I felt like I would never feel attracted to him again (in the way I had), because my memories of his BPD episodes had changed the way I looked at him. What saved our sex life was enjoying the good times with him, complimenting when he does good behaviors, and when he is having fun with me letting myself mentally "relax" and enjoy our good times together. The little things add up: hug him when you missed him, give him a kiss when he tries to help (even if it doesn't help), tell him "thank you" when he tries to give advice or a compliment and consider giving him a kiss (even if its just on the cheek). It's a slow process, but just work on a kiss/hug/holding hands during the good time for the little things. Also, take turns for fun giving each other 5 heartfelt compliments, because sometimes realizing how amazing a person sees us helps us see how amazing they are.

[AllisG]

Same boat with you.  For years I've been trying but with no interest.  Lately, I just can't.  I cannot muster up any desire under BPD circumstances.  I try to explain my reasoning - "when you talk to me the way you do, I am not interested in being with you."  I either get no reply or told I have the problem.  Well, I guess I do have a problem.  I don't know what to do. 

I think I need to look at what I'm doing because when he is verbally abusive, I shut down.  I don't want to be around him or talk to him, so I'm the one giving the silent treatment - it's my only way to protect myself and cope.  I think also when I've distanced myself from him, he won't try.  I'm learning that this is just as bad as his verbal abuse.

This sounds very familiar.  Very. 

[everprincess]

Yep I can't force myself to make love to someone who is so negative all the time. I don't want to cuddle, hug, kiss and get all romantic with a person who says everything is wrong with me. If I'm so bad why in the world do you want me? Oh because you know I love you and I'm all you have. Headgames, emotional rollercoaster, highs, lows... it is all so draining.

[Narellan]

Froggy your post was great not many women would be able to get there in 5 mins, and what's the rush? I can see why you don't bother. My ex BPD was amazing. The sex went for hours and was always different. I've never known anything like it before. To say it was an out of  body experience is not quite right but it felt spiritual in lots of ways. The connection and intimacy was like I'd never felt before. He said the same that it felt like " lightning" or some such description. We were still in the honeymoon phase though. Anywhere, anytime and it's been the hardest thing to lose.

[empathic]

Thanks for posting this cipher. Exactly the same issue in our relationship and really validating for me to see that there are other guys out there with the same issue as well. I really don't feel lile being intimate with someone who is rude, puts me down and picks fights with me almost every day and at the same time "demands" romance. I would rather keep my distance and focus on the positive things my life. Apparently this is all down to me because I'm cold and uncaring though I guess if I was like that I would just get what I want whenever I want & get on with my life - apparently a lot of other guys do this and it's a sign of manhood. Intimacy with us is a bit like the rest of our relationship with me feeling like I have to do all the work and of course as things aren't working at the moment it's all my fault. BPDw "accused" me of being impotent othe other day (as if it's a crime !) so I suggested we go and see a sex therapist which she declined. BPDw does have some issues of her own, sexual abuse in FOO (although she wasn't a victim), extremely sensitive when it comes to discussing sex (I think to do with shame & maybe FOO), menopause and (my opinion only) a lot of unrealistic expectations when it comes to relationships.

I often wish I was with someone who feels innately interested in intimacy as a fun thing to do rather together than have all this negative baggage around it.

Yes, it's the same here. I've lost the desire almost completely for intimacy with my uBPDw. She's never been really relaxed about intimacy, it feels the same as you say, that there's negative baggage involved. The negativity and constant complaining is a big turnoff for me.

Just today she suggested (or rather, as always, "demanded" that we spend a night at a hotel in a few weeks while her mother has the kids. When I didn't respond enthusiastically (more like "well, sure... . " her mood dropped.

This makes me feel like the worst husband in the world, and I suppose it's not sustainable, but I just can't change how I feel about this. A "normal" person would have ended this long ago most probably, or someone with a thicker skin might not have cared enough to be so hurt by her comments.

In a way it feels like she wants to create a "make or break" situation where I must "choose sides", either we get back to being a happy couple or I leave.

[froggy]

Narellan

it wasn't always like this... . started out up to 6 times a day. The kissing stopped about a month into the marriage. ... asked why... . he said we're married... . he shouldn't have to work for it now. There was never any PDA.

but still lots of anytime any where.

Mind you I was 17 and he was 23 when we got married.

Things really changed after we had kids(year seven) and started going down hill (he always said he would trade me in at 30 for someone younger)... . more quickies... but still lots of them and the odd real effort every 2 or 3 months.

When I had to go to work and he stayed home because he lost his job... THAT'S when things really changed... . that was about 10 years ago... . less frequently and more of a quickie with only every 6 months an effort... mostly after I'd been away for a couple weeks.

I just got tired of being turned down when initiating. ... waiting for him it was 6-8 weeks then only a quickie... . been a year since he's put any effort into it and I give up.

If "I" have to tend to my own needs... so can he.

I miss real sex... I miss kissing... . hell a real conversation would be nice!

ps... . I'm soo jealous Narellan

[Narellan]

Ohh dont be jealous... . He's about to be doing that with my ex best friend

He truly was amazing but I'm stopping at that now. It's still devastating to lose that. And maybe that was all an act too. Not that I'd ever change it. Never knew sex like that existed )

Anyway, moving on... .

My marriage was as you describe. Most long term relationships are I guess. I just split with BPD ex when it was still in the full on stage. Good and bad things in that.

It's really hard when that part of thecrelationshipbis unfulfilling isn't it? It's easier to just stop doing it. Then if you do it's just another chore. I know I was married 22 years to a guy with bipolar disorder and mostly depressed. Which equals little interest in intimacy. Then his medication made him either impotent or premature. For years! It was awful for both of us.

But then it was a blessing toward the end when I couldn't stand him. We still had sex but I just did things to make it end quicker

I hear what you're saying. I really can empathise.

Ps. No wonder I totally adored my BPD ( who incidentally kept asking if he was my best ever, and wasn't happy until he was)

[IsItHerOrIsItMe]

If I do have sex when I don't feel connected to him the *I* end up feeling horrible.  He senses I'm just going through the motions and then we argue about that.

It isn't only when it comes to sex either.

He'll spend two hours raging and guilt tripping me about how I didn't call or text him from 12pm to 5pm.  (I was at work, and I never told him I would talk to him before I was finished.)  He'll see I've almost reached my limits and suddenly he wants to have intimate, deep discussions. If I say I don't feel up to it he'll say I am keeping things from him.  If I engage he'll say something to the effect of, "isn't it better when you can be nice and talk to me every once in awhile?"

This coming from the guy who calls, texts, Facebooks, and emails me no less than 100 times a day.  All we do is talk.  I'd say 2/3 of my waking life is spent in contact with him.  But that's another topic.

Boy that hits home... . We went to a niece's wedding Sat... . for days beforehand I heard that women would be there, she spent the entire reception looking at my eyes to see who I was looking at, got home and continued to gripe. 

I used to go through life staring at the floor, but now have determined to will myself to go back to people watching... . (imagine, the dance floor being the focal point of the reception... . ).  If I'm not checking out the women there I no longer care if she thinks I am... .

So three days of griping, snide comments throughout the reception, listening to her tell me she's sorry she's "keeping me from those women I really want" all the way home and then we get in bed and since I'm not in the mood that's the proof that she was right all along... .

[AllisG]

The wedding situation sounds familiar.

I was just thinking about that.  How my bf sucks the fun out of any occassion with his jealousy and insecurity.

He got us tickets to a hockey game, excellent seats on the glass.  I was loving it, taking pictures, etc. 

One of the players was literally a foot from us so I started snapping pics.  You can guess what happened.

I was accused of being in love with the player.  Really.  He complained and sulked the entire time.  Every time this player did anything or if his name was spoken made it

[AllisG]

Worse. By the end of the night my boyfriend had a seething hatred of this player we'd never met.  It was a miserable night. 

He still hates this guy and gets upset if I watch hockey and it's been months.

[FigureIt]

Lately my bf with BPD's biggest complaint is my lack of interest in intimacy and sex. I don't deny it is true, however he doesn't understand that I am just so turned off and exhausted by his behaviors as of late that sex isn't even on my radar.

We'll go around and around, and he browbeats me all day about some (trivial) thing, usually something he's perceived as my fault.  Then he'll turn on a dime and want to be intimate. 

I can't switch myself on and off like that.  After eight hours of telling me how horrible I treat him the last thing I want to do is touch me. Of course this opens another can of worms because now I'm deemed "cold, frigid, unloving".

What do I do in these situations?

I get this too... . And I try at least once a week, but in my uBPDbf's mind that is not enough.  So then I get a threat that he will go find it somewhere else.  Mine wants me to bend over backwards for him and since I haven't been he claims I've just not been nice to him.  It's like living with a 5yr. old child.

[FigureIt]

Worse. By the end of the night my boyfriend had a seething hatred of this player we'd never met.  It was a miserable night. 

He still hates this guy and gets upset if I watch hockey and it's been months.

I can't even mention men that I work with or I am accused of having an affair or wanting to be with them. 

[IsItHerOrIsItMe]

I can't even mention men that I work with or I am accused of having an affair or wanting to be with them. 

There was a car taking 2 parking spots (parking on the line between the two spots) by the door to our office building... . I started parking close to it and after a couple days he started parking it at the back of the lot.  He was still taking two spots, but there were plenty so if he wanted to protect his car that's fine... .

Well, one day I saw the driver and it was a woman.  Mentioned it to my uBPDw and all of a sudden I'm in a relationship with this person... . even though the only relationship is we probably think the other person is a jerk... .

9 months later (and 6 months since the car has disappeared) I still hear about it, even to the point where she's accuses me of hiding the relationship by having her park at a different entrance... .

[Littleleft]

Yup, my SO is insanely jealous too, immediately thinks I've got a thing for a guy if I mention one.  He's ridiculously jealous about ex bf's, has insisted in the past that I have no contact with them.  This last week, during some dysregulating and raging, he went through the people I follow on Instagram then mistakenly decided one of them was an ex bf, then gave them a load of abuse, swearing at them, telling that person to stay away from me etc and all for this poor persons followers to see!