My story and lessons learned

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

My wife was diagnosed as a BPD waif about 3 months ago.  This was immediately after I found out about the infidelity (4 guys in a 2.5 month period).  Our marriage basically blew up last summer when she was around her mother and started to remember the neglect of her childhood.  Her mother has serious depression and slept constantly.  Wife has been to rehab, kicked out of multiple high schools, the list goes on and on.  She's always been terrible with money, and I could never rely on her with pretty much anything.  She's never had a single job in her life.  I'm young, but I make a killing financially.  I never expected her to work, since we have three kids and my ability to provide.  Been married for 6.5 years.   

When we were first married, she and I got along great.  I was 22 and she was just about to turn 21.  However, I grew up.  Working constantly, mortgage/car payments, the normal things in life caused me to take on responsibility.  Eventually her failure to launch, and excessive spending caused resentment for me.  I was killing myself trying to stay afloat, trying my best not to yell at her for blowing so much money, and her CONSTANT sleeping.  Our house was a mess almost every single day.  I became lonely and began to drink.  Our sex life and friendship began to disappear.  I yelled at her and lost my temper.  She criticized and complained about everything.

Due to my work, I would be gone traveling for months at a time.  Without going into the excessive details, I can simply say that she went from completely acting in to completely acting out about a year ago.  That lead to the infidelity and making me out to be the devil. 

After I found out about the infidelity, I did everything that I possibly could to salvage the marriage including going to counseling for myself.  I don't love her in the way that a man loves his wife.  I see her as a 17 year old daughter (no crazy sexual associations with that) that is in total rebellion stage.  I'm a Christian man.  I want to rescue this marriage and let God work in her life.  However, that's not possible now.  As soon as I added her to my credit card, she filed for divorce behind my back ($8k retainer) and refuses to dismiss the case. 

It goes without saying that she is not prepared to make it in the real world.  She admitted that she has no idea how to get car insurance. I've always taken care of these things.  A job is seemingly impossible with her lack of skills, sleeping habits, and general tendency to be 3 hours late to everything.  A good paying job simply isn't going to happen.  She has never once in her life paid rent, a car payment, etc., etc.   I see these things because they're common sense.  It's part of the "growing up" process.

I'm at the point now where I realize that the marriage has been mostly one-sided and not worth trying for.  My faith requires that I try, and I have done everything.  I care for her in that I don't want her to "crash and burn."  But, as my Psychologist says, I have to respect her decision and leave her to her own demise.  I'm learning to take care of myself and my problems before hers.

Here are some key characteristics that I've experienced:

1. Just because they're not yelling at you doesn't mean that Armageddon isn't going on inside.

2. They wear "masks."  They may act social, but it's not their real personality.  My wife spends hours dressing and looking at herself in the mirror - the night before any simple occasion... . i.e. church. 

3. They might be extremely attractive, but they don't think so.  They constantly look for approval, attention, and complements.

4. Don't ignore them.  That's what I did and you see how that turned out for me.  I can't get her back no matter how hard I try.   

5. They don't trust.  I hurt her feelings years ago.   She sees this as more damaging than her infidelity.

6. They have 0 empathy.  She gave me a lot of firsts: my first panic attack and first nervous breakdown.

7. They have 0 self control.  They will do whatever makes them feel better in that moment, even if they know its ethically or morally wrong.

8. Fault and responsibility are completely foreign concepts.  Everything is someone else's fault.

9. They don't truly love anything.  They're afraid of certain things or people being taken away (abandonment), but eventually they'll devalue those as well.

10. They will replace their spouse/companion with friends, lovers, or the children.

11. Sacrificing for others is something they've never done and seem to be incapable of doing.

[fatherofthree]

My wife was diagnosed as a BPD waif about 3 months ago.  This was immediately after I found out about the infidelity (4 guys in a 2.5 month period).  Our marriage basically blew up last summer when she was around her mother and started to remember the neglect of her childhood.  Her mother has serious depression and slept constantly.  Wife has been to rehab, kicked out of multiple high schools, the list goes on and on.  She's always been terrible with money, and I could never rely on her with pretty much anything.  She's never had a single job in her life.  I'm young, but I make a killing financially.  I never expected her to work, since we have three kids and my ability to provide.  Been married for 6.5 years.   

When we were first married, she and I got along great.  I was 22 and she was just about to turn 21.  However, I grew up.  Working constantly, mortgage/car payments, the normal things in life caused me to take on responsibility.  Eventually her failure to launch, and excessive spending caused resentment for me.  I was killing myself trying to stay afloat, trying my best not to yell at her for blowing so much money, and her CONSTANT sleeping.  Our house was a mess almost every single day.  I became lonely and began to drink.  Our sex life and friendship began to disappear.  I yelled at her and lost my temper.  She criticized and complained about everything.

Due to my work, I would be gone traveling for months at a time.  Without going into the excessive details, I can simply say that she went from completely acting in to completely acting out about a year ago.  That lead to the infidelity and making me out to be the devil. 

After I found out about the infidelity, I did everything that I possibly could to salvage the marriage including going to counseling for myself.  I don't love her in the way that a man loves his wife.  I see her as a 17 year old daughter (no crazy sexual associations with that) that is in total rebellion stage.  I'm a Christian man.  I want to rescue this marriage and let God work in her life.  However, that's not possible now.  As soon as I added her to my credit card, she filed for divorce behind my back ($8k retainer) and refuses to dismiss the case. 

It goes without saying that she is not prepared to make it in the real world.  She admitted that she has no idea how to get car insurance. I've always taken care of these things.  A job is seemingly impossible with her lack of skills, sleeping habits, and general tendency to be 3 hours late to everything.  A good paying job simply isn't going to happen.  She has never once in her life paid rent, a car payment, etc., etc.   I see these things because they're common sense.  It's part of the "growing up" process.

I'm at the point now where I realize that the marriage has been mostly one-sided and not worth trying for.  My faith requires that I try, and I have done everything.  I care for her in that I don't want her to "crash and burn."  But, as my Psychologist says, I have to respect her decision and leave her to her own demise.  I'm learning to take care of myself and my problems before hers.

Here are some key characteristics that I've experienced:

1. Just because they're not yelling at you doesn't mean that Armageddon isn't going on inside.

2. They wear "masks."  They may act social, but it's not their real personality.  My wife spends hours dressing and looking at herself in the mirror - the night before any simple occasion... . i.e. church. 

3. They might be extremely attractive, but they don't think so.  They constantly look for approval, attention, and complements.

4. Don't ignore them.  That's what I did and you see how that turned out for me.  I can't get her back no matter how hard I try.   

5. They don't trust.  I hurt her feelings years ago.   She sees this as more damaging than her infidelity.

6. They have 0 empathy.  She gave me a lot of firsts: my first panic attack and first nervous breakdown.

7. They have 0 self control.  They will do whatever makes them feel better in that moment, even if they know its ethically or morally wrong.

8. Fault and responsibility are completely foreign concepts.  Everything is someone else's fault.

9. They don't truly love anything.  They're afraid of certain things or people being taken away (abandonment), but eventually they'll devalue those as well.

10. They will replace their spouse/companion with friends, lovers, or the children.

11. Sacrificing for others is something they've never done and seem to be incapable of doing.