Exhausted, resentful and unmotivated.

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hey all,

I'll start with a point form outline of my situation to get you all up to speed  

-Married two years: 25% heaven, 25% complete hell, 50% eggshells. Broke up 10 months ago. She has since dated two men, one for 3 months the other for 1 month. Swears there has been nothing else in between (Highly doubt it). I have had 4 one night stands in that time.

-The men She Dated: Both unstable, both have been going around town saying that if they ran into me they'd "kill me" or "Beat me" ... Why? Because I was depicted as a wife beater.

-Pros about her: Gorgeous, generous, successful, great cook, funny, intelligent, considerate, affectionate, adventurous, organized,goal oriented, highly sexual, loyal, active, open minded.

-Cons about her: When angered, absolutely violent and destructive, unpredictable, slanderous (after we broke up she made an active effort to defame me (and I'm a public figure)... Overly sensitive, a control freak, rage case (road rage, has issues with people in general). Worst case off ADD (I often feel I'm talking to myself). Judgemental, (whenever we would come back from a dinner party, she would have a lot of judgment on people there but namely a breakdown on how I acted). YELLS, the moment she feels upset. Impossible to calm her.

Ok, to present time:

This woman cannot be alone for a second. So naturally, the day she ended it with first guy, she met the next. And the day she ended it with the next guy, she went on an online dating site and saw me there. Of course, that's the point at which we re-engaged.

She came back in my life telling me she realizes she has serious psychological issues. This was a first. The entire duration of the marriage, her argument was that I was her problem, nothing else.

Needing to feel vindicated, desperately so. This development was very appealing to me. In my mind it had always been clear she had BPD. My therapist agreed without a doubt, based on what I was saying that she was, too.

Within weeks of hanging out with her again. She drops "I'm not a BPD" on me. She went to see an expert, and he told her she didn't quality for DBT.

Naturally, I felt outraged and knew that she had manipulated her therapist. So I sent her a note, saying No DBT, no ME.

She bought this book called "sometimes I act crazy" ... After reading that, she realized she was definitely a BPD and that she had likely manipulated her therapist (as I had accused her of doing).  SO... she went to someone else, and started DBT. Apparently this guy is saying she's got BPD traits but it's a cluster. She's not suicidal and doesn't cut, so it's not so clear cut (no pun intended ). Either way, she is being treated for PD, with borderline being the front runner.

Where does this leave me?

I'm exhausted: I want love to be easy. I want life to be stress free. This woman has literally traumatized me. I can't find the motivation to work on myself to make it easy for her to progress. I don't want to live a contrived existence.

I'm resentful: Every once in a while I remember the horrible things she's done, and I get filled with anxiety, and ask myself WTH I am doing ! I'm resentful that she made clear cut efforts to enter relationships instead of looking inward. I'm resentful of the slander and public humiliation she has bestowed upon me. I'm resentful that she lied about having safe sex. She lied about how many times as well and tried to hide the second partner from me entirely. I don't trust a word she says. In my mind there were likely more than 2.

Why am I here? I wonder ... Is this love? Am I just afraid to lose her? When I think of this healed and better version of her, it sounds like the woman of my dreams.

BUT, the resentment is so strong, my memories so vivid, can I ever see her in a good light? Will I ever trust her progress?

I feel my gut tells me to let her go. But I have so much fear that I will miss her, and meltdown.

Thoughts? Prayers?

[Bpdexhusband1978]

Hey all,

I'll start with a point form outline of my situation to get you all up to speed  

-Married two years: 25% heaven, 25% complete hell, 50% eggshells. Broke up 10 months ago. She has since dated two men, one for 3 months the other for 1 month. Swears there has been nothing else in between (Highly doubt it). I have had 4 one night stands in that time.

-The men She Dated: Both unstable, both have been going around town saying that if they ran into me they'd "kill me" or "Beat me" ... Why? Because I was depicted as a wife beater.

-Pros about her: Gorgeous, generous, successful, great cook, funny, intelligent, considerate, affectionate, adventurous, organized,goal oriented, highly sexual, loyal, active, open minded.

-Cons about her: When angered, absolutely violent and destructive, unpredictable, slanderous (after we broke up she made an active effort to defame me (and I'm a public figure)... Overly sensitive, a control freak, rage case (road rage, has issues with people in general). Worst case off ADD (I often feel I'm talking to myself). Judgemental, (whenever we would come back from a dinner party, she would have a lot of judgment on people there but namely a breakdown on how I acted). YELLS, the moment she feels upset. Impossible to calm her.

Ok, to present time:

This woman cannot be alone for a second. So naturally, the day she ended it with first guy, she met the next. And the day she ended it with the next guy, she went on an online dating site and saw me there. Of course, that's the point at which we re-engaged.

She came back in my life telling me she realizes she has serious psychological issues. This was a first. The entire duration of the marriage, her argument was that I was her problem, nothing else.

Needing to feel vindicated, desperately so. This development was very appealing to me. In my mind it had always been clear she had BPD. My therapist agreed without a doubt, based on what I was saying that she was, too.

Within weeks of hanging out with her again. She drops "I'm not a BPD" on me. She went to see an expert, and he told her she didn't quality for DBT.

Naturally, I felt outraged and knew that she had manipulated her therapist. So I sent her a note, saying No DBT, no ME.

She bought this book called "sometimes I act crazy" ... After reading that, she realized she was definitely a BPD and that she had likely manipulated her therapist (as I had accused her of doing).  SO... she went to someone else, and started DBT. Apparently this guy is saying she's got BPD traits but it's a cluster. She's not suicidal and doesn't cut, so it's not so clear cut (no pun intended ). Either way, she is being treated for PD, with borderline being the front runner.

Where does this leave me?

I'm exhausted: I want love to be easy. I want life to be stress free. This woman has literally traumatized me. I can't find the motivation to work on myself to make it easy for her to progress. I don't want to live a contrived existence.

I'm resentful: Every once in a while I remember the horrible things she's done, and I get filled with anxiety, and ask myself WTH I am doing ! I'm resentful that she made clear cut efforts to enter relationships instead of looking inward. I'm resentful of the slander and public humiliation she has bestowed upon me. I'm resentful that she lied about having safe sex. She lied about how many times as well and tried to hide the second partner from me entirely. I don't trust a word she says. In my mind there were likely more than 2.

Why am I here? I wonder ... Is this love? Am I just afraid to lose her? When I think of this healed and better version of her, it sounds like the woman of my dreams.

BUT, the resentment is so strong, my memories so vivid, can I ever see her in a good light? Will I ever trust her progress?

I feel my gut tells me to let her go. But I have so much fear that I will miss her, and meltdown.

Thoughts? Prayers?

[fatherofthree]

Hey buddy, just ready your post.  I'm by no means an expert, but I can say that I feel your pain.  Currently going through a divorce with a Waif.  Not too much yelling stuff going on here, but BPD all the same.  I being Christian feel obligated to do any and everything that I can to salvage the relationship.  Mine called the cops on me and tried to say that I "grabbed her."  Needless to say, there was no proof and the cop thought that she made the story up.  How can you forgive someone that does this kind of stuff?  It's because you want the relationship to work out.  They don't have a clue what they want.  My wife is the most selfish person that I've ever met, i.e. money, things, relationships, even sex.

1 Corinthians 13:

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

My Psychologist quoted this verse and asked me which of these that my wife has done.  We're all guilty of not following the above perfectly.  However, I'm pretty sure that you would want the opposite person in the relationship to do the above things for you too.  Otherwise, it's not really a union, regardless of whether you are currently or hope to be married in the future.

[Bpdexhusband1978]

That is a lovely passage,

thank you for sharing.

It is enlightening

[momtara]

Pretty much what all of us go through.  When they are in therapy, it's appealing.  But it seems so rare that therapy will ever get them to a place where they can be a normal spouse - proud of us, loving, supportive.  I guess the question becomes - how much eggshell walking is ok?  And will we be more hurt if they leave, or if they stay?

Just be careful not to get her pregnant!  Then it gets much more complex.

I guess you'll have to see how the therapy goes.  She may end up making that decision for you by leaving again.

Also, I see here that sometimes guys put up with bad behavior because the woman is pretty and the sex is great.  Make sure there is more than that.  A nice, not so pretty girl might be the love of your life someday.

[Bpdexhusband1978]

Thanks momtara,

Also a super helpful message