Hi. I'm David. And I'm damaged.

[davidamnesia]

My sarcasm wasn't directed at anyone pointing me towards resources, by the way. I'm grateful for every response and this board. It was directed at the results from reading those resources-- confirming my worst instincts about... . well, everything. Her, it, what this feels like. All of it.

[pessim-optimist]

We understand david... . breakup is a crappy situation to be in all-around.

It is overwhelming, it's infuriating and depressing at the same time, and a host of other emotions on top of it. 

So in being devalued, abandoned, and replaced by a pwBPD, I get to mirror her symptoms via my own "fear of abandonment" issues that we "all apparently have," and then get stuck in cycles of grief, anger, etc and be "shattered" just like she is.

One positive heads-up though: even though right now it might seem you will feel like this 'forever' and this pain will 'never end,' you will get through this and you will start feeling better. No worries, you won't get stuck in these cycles. You will meander in and out and through them, but you will emerge on the other side, unscathed.

[davidamnesia]

For anyone who has never been through opiate withdrawal-- that is not only exactly what this feels like, it's exactly what this is-- thanks to the endogenous opioids triggered (probably like never before) during the idealization phase.

When she came to visit last Fall and we confirmed our love in person, I had six months clean from pain management that had gone sideways on me. Those 12 days of intense love, and naturally (I now know why) the best sex I'd ever had, gave me a quite literal high like none other I'd never felt-- except I had felt something very, very similar.

She was a drug. I am in withdrawal.

It strikes me as pretty miraculous that I haven't self-medicated during any of this-- while I was idealized but separated by distance, and especially when the devaluation began in early April. Oddly, getting clean from the opiates was easy: I put a mediation practice back together.

But this. This is different. Obviously. And people who know that I meditate tell me "you'll be fine." "You know what to do."

Yes. Yes I do know exactly what to do. Be in the present moment. Be ok with the way things are. Do not be attached to outcomes.

More often than not, "knowing what to do" seems to make it worse right now. It's the getting from here to there that I'm unable to do.

By the way, the decision has been made for me by her. I've already been replaced anyway. So I don't know if that counts as me being "undecided" here or not. Clearly my mind and even my body are still locked into the dance in a huge way.

I've never been so close to suicide in my life--- not as a dramatic, "I'll show her" gesture. And not that I would ever do anything about it-- I haven't really even had ideation. But the closeness is in wanting to just... . not feel this way anymore. And because I "know what to do," and because self-medicating is off the table for me, I feel stuck.

[Leap]

The drug and withdrawal analogy is a good one.  That is what it is like so you are ahead of the game a little in having personal experience with that.  Self medicating will only make your situation worse (take it from somebody who knows).  In my own situation I liken the BPD to addiction or alcoholism.  This has helped me deal with my own situation in a little better way because I can understand my BPD wife a little better, which helps, especially with communicating with her and dealing with my own issues regarding our relationship.  As far as intellectually knowing, don't feel bad.  I have read many posts on this site of people who are in the same situation (myself included).  The head and the heart are definitely two different ways of perceiving the world around us.  Hang in there, it will eventually resolve itself one way or the other.  Faith, Hope, Love.

[pessim-optimist]

It strikes me as pretty miraculous that I haven't self-medicated during any of this--

That is pretty awesome david, give yourself some credit for that! 

By the way, the decision has been made for me by her. I've already been replaced anyway. So I don't know if that counts as me being "undecided" here or not. Clearly my mind and even my body are still locked into the dance in a huge way.

I'd say it depends on how you will benefit best from the resources on this site and also from the discussions. I'd encourage you to check out the side panel here ---------------> , and see what speaks to your situation.

Also, you can have a look at the Leaving forum, and see the tools there  (their side panel). If/when you feel ready, you can make the transition there.

I've never been so close to suicide in my life--- not as a dramatic, "I'll show her" gesture. And not that I would ever do anything about it-- I haven't really even had ideation. But the closeness is in wanting to just... . not feel this way anymore. And because I "know what to do," and because self-medicating is off the table for me, I feel stuck.

It's good to know that you haven't had the ideation - if you ever get there, please know that it's important to connect with someone who can talk you through it. Calling a 24/7 hotline that specializes in that is actually great, even though many people are reluctant to do so. They are very helpful, and trained for these situations, and even just chatting with them can make you feel much much better... .

I have a question: Are you thinking that because you 'know what to do' you 'should just do it' and automatically feel better, and are supposed to be tough with yourself and 'pull yourself by the bootstraps?'

I am wondering what you meant by this:

More often than not, "knowing what to do" seems to make it worse right now. It's the getting from here to there that I'm unable to do.

What in particular is making it worse? Is it the answers that you are getting? That people sort of tell you 'oh, you'll be fine' rather than being able to sit down with you and listen to your sorrow? Do you have someone who you can talk to about this in real life?

Also - have you tried physical exercise? (It's hard to motivate yourself to do it, but then you feel better due to the endorphins released in your body, and also the speeding up in your physiology during exercise - it works against the feelings of being down)

Another thing that works for some: getting your mind off things - watching your favorite movies. If you like comedies or humor - laughter works wonders (if that's something you feel up to. If not, that's ok).

[davidamnesia]

I have a question: Are you thinking that because you 'know what to do' you 'should just do it' and automatically feel better, and are supposed to be tough with yourself and 'pull yourself by the bootstraps?'

I am wondering what you meant by this:

More often than not, "knowing what to do" seems to make it worse right now. It's the getting from here to there that I'm unable to do.

What in particular is making it worse? Is it the answers that you are getting? That people sort of tell you 'oh, you'll be fine' rather than being able to sit down with you and listen to your sorrow? Do you have someone who you can talk to about this in real life?

Also - have you tried physical exercise? (It's hard to motivate yourself to do it, but then you feel better due to the endorphins released in your body, and also the speeding up in your physiology during exercise - it works against the feelings of being down)

Another thing that works for some: getting your mind off things - watching your favorite movies. If you like comedies or humor - laughter works wonders (if that's something you feel up to. If not, that's ok).

What is making it worse, and "it" is getting far worse, is a number of things. The people who think it's just a breakup or just rejecting and that I should be able to dust off and carry on. Knowing what should help or has in the past-- like mediation-- but getting very little relief from it.

I'm trying everything. Exercise. Diversions. I'm sinking. I lost a bunch of work last week (not due to a lack of willingness on my part but due to an unscrupulous club owner) and the basics of life are falling away. I'm broke. I need work.

I haven't contacted her once since the final break in communications, but due to needing work and a couple of actual friends I can chat with, I can't leave facebook--- and she's circling the wagons against me, having unblocked her dummy account to monitor my posts (and for some reason, I can't block it), and yesterday, unblocking me from her real account apparently just so she could delete ONE sweet comment from February when things were of course, great. Worse, she's recruited fb friends far past her original core, neurotic, echo chamber support group. On top of that, she's unblocked or friended real-life friends who she knows to be truly horrible people, ex-friends, who wish no me no well at best and at worst, would take delight in sticking knives in me. Metaphorically speaking.

So. I'm getting worse. Nothing I've learned about BPD and the aftermath is helping. Yet, at least.

And even though I'm not in contact, she's clearly not done with me.

I was getting ok at not dwelling on HER and the past. Most of the time. But at this point, even facebook doesn't feel like a safe space for me yet I have to use it to both not be completely isolated and to try to find work opportunities, so I'm being exposed to what she's doing on fb and the cumulative picture is both not helping me and looks... . portentious. A gathering storm of... . something is coming for me. I know it sounds dramatic but I also have learned that is to be expected-- --and the vast majority of people will, of course, believe everything the beautiful damsel in distress tells them.

I wish I could move to a new city and make a new start, not because she's here, because the sole silver lining so far is that she didn't-- but to just live in the world and have real life friends and escape the madness online.

And yes, because she didn't come here, I'm no longer tethered to the place I live.

I suppose she's building a network of people who, in part, will reinforce her construct of me as "all bad." I fully expect a slander campaign to start any time.

I'm isolated, broke, broken, and sinking. I can't focus to complete any kind of task like writing or working on music. I never sleep more than four hours a night so I'm always exhausted.

I see my therapist tomorrow. I told him I couldn't afford the $10 co-pay and he said I should schedule anyway, bless him.

[DreamFlyer99]

hi davidamnesia--

Of course you aren't able to just put away your feelings like putting a coat away in a closet--you fell in love. Even in the face of 30 odd years of being treated badly by my uBPDh i still feel love for him. It's not like a tap to be turned off. And it's a grieving to be done. there are so many things you had in your mind of where the 2 of you would be in years to come, things you would do, sitting together and laughing. It takes time to work through releasing those things you had firmly in your mind.

It sounds like you are doing many great things to keep moving forward (and yes, that's what it is in the separating stage, simply keep moving forward) and those are all valuable and will eventually start feeling like they're helping. Right now it's one foot in front of the other, and if that's the best you could do that day then at the end of that day tell yourself, "hey! i kept moving today. i did things i had scheduled to do today. i kept my goals." And be thankful for that and proud of yourself!

Your name caught my attention because i truly have a problem of amnesia with all the bad times with my husband, all the raging and belittling and name calling. They are barely there, like i can see the memory out of the corner of my eye, but 2 weeks later i couldn't have told you what the argument started about. There can be real trauma in this rodeo we've lived. Once i started working to become more clear on what was happening in the moment i started realizing how awful and exhausting and selfish his actions were. i already have fibromyalgia, a chronic pain and fatigue disorder, but i haven't been allowed to talk about it. Nobody can be as tired or achy as him.

The clarity will come, you will start realizing that your workout or your meditation seemed to do more than it did for you last week. This will happen slowly over time. My husband's actions took me to the passive-death thoughts too, that's the trauma speaking, the sense of hopelessness.

Perhaps keep a notebook and write yourself a note each day, or make a 1 to 10 designation of how hopeless <---> hopeful you feel. Of how you met your goals, of what you've done toward your work. Of how well you're sleeping. At the end of a month when you look back you can gain a clearer understanding of how you're progressing, because we can lose sight that we ARE progressing when we look in the short term.

And don't be afraid to grieve. It can help to find a way to express the things you are letting go of--print a picture or an email, tear it into pieces and name them as you watch them float away on a body of water. Name the dreams you had, the things you are grieving, and do something that is physically letting them go. these things can help us grieve, whether it's a good clean grief like i experienced with my sister who was the one person in my family who supported me, or a more complicated and dirty grief like i experienced when my uBPD/NPD mother died. Burn the notes, watch them disappear. Somehow it attaches us more to what's happening.

All the best to you--your therapist sounds like a great one who truly has your best in mind. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers, this is one of those times when the stuff of life can take our feet out from under us.

with you in the journey,

df99

[davidamnesia]

Thank you for your replies.

When I saw the therapist, because I'm not holding anything back with him-- I had to ask if thoughts about assembling my housemate's shotgun, but not going so far as to think about using it on myself, was suicidal ideation. The housemate was out of town but told me about the gun in his room in case anything shady happened around the house.

The therapist said "no, it's just an indication of how intolerable these feelings are and the desire to feel any other way but this, or even just get to no feelings at all." And of course a warning that if I moved on to "planning," to contact someone immediately.

I've never felt so out of control of my emotional state.

One of the worst things is feeling like you're paying this price all the more for having opened your heart to someone, been kind and loving and thoughtful.

[DreamFlyer99]

One of the worst things is feeling like you're paying this price all the more for having opened your heart to someone, been kind and loving and thoughtful.

Many of us totally get this thought of yours--it can feel like we're being punished for being good, and in a way we are. The pwBPD's deeply held faulty belief system lies to them and causes these issues.

If you can find ways to be "intentional" right now it will help. Make yourself a list of what you plan to do the next day, get up, do some breathing exercises, and start on your list. This can help you pull in your wildly swinging emotions and help you move through your day.

Your T sounds wise. "Intolerable" is a great word for what you've been through, and what I've been through. And when our emotions are trying to take us down we need to find ways to channel their energy into actions that will help us and not hurt us. Have you thought about trying the idea of writing out your broken dreams, and saying goodbye to them while they burn or float away? Connecting your emotions to an intentional act will help you grieve.

i wrote tons of poetry and journaling when my sister died. That's my way to deal with grief and life. What could be a way you could just get the feelings out until you've run them dry? Something you can do without judging yourself on the quality, something that just expresses your grief?

Remember, it's one small step at a time, that's all you need to do... .

We're here for you, don't forget that.