help me practice validation statement

[Parents! Get help here!]

 help me please! My UBD22 gets upset every time we ask her when she thinks she will be done something.  Like tonight, she wants to join us for supper but she is getting her hair done.  Her dad text her "when will you be done?' she text back," I don't know, go without me if you want then." Geez you stress me out when you ask me that question all the time."

What is a good validation response to this? Would it not be reasonable as a NB mom to ask that question of when do you think you will be done? Just so we know what time we can eat or even meet her? How do I deflect this anger from her.  At this point, I rather just not even have her join us. It is such a chore to explain all the time. 

Many thanks.

[mimis]

 help me please! My UBD22 gets upset every time we ask her when she thinks she will be done something.  Like tonight, she wants to join us for supper but she is getting her hair done.  Her dad text her "when will you be done?' she text back," I don't know, go without me if you want then." Geez you stress me out when you ask me that question all the time."

What is a good validation response to this? Would it not be reasonable as a NB mom to ask that question of when do you think you will be done? Just so we know what time we can eat or even meet her? How do I deflect this anger from her.  At this point, I rather just not even have her join us. It is such a chore to explain all the time. 

Many thanks.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[1KitKat]

Ah.  Consider the possible scenario that her response stems from the mistaken perception that she has that others don't care enough about her to wait around for her.  You know it's not true, but she's convinced herself otherwise.  Is it possible?  BPD's have a mistaken sense of not being loved, because a lot of them do not love themselves.

A possible validation response to that could be something like this:

"I can't wait to see your hair, and and I can't wait to see you.  We're just wondering what time you'll be along so that we can all eat together."

Something like that?

[pessim-optimist]

Hello mimis,

I am not sure if this answer will come in time for you to be able to use it tonight, and it's also partly an issue you may be able to solve little by little over time with her.

I also used to have that kind of instant stress reaction in these situations (much better now). In your daughter's case, it's most likely BPD-related sensitivity. In my case, I grew up in an unhealthy environment with tremendous time pressure and stress.

Please bear with me, so you can understand the kind of feelings/thoughts your daughter might be experiencing, and then be effective in talking to her.

When you ask "When will you be done?" your daughter's sensitive mind probably hears something quite different. More along the lines of "You are taking too long, we are getting frustrated with you, and if you don't hurry up, we will be really upset with you and may reject you." Also, even if she is more relaxed, she might have anxiety about her answer - what if she says 30 minutes, and it takes 40? THEN - she might think, you will be surely upset with her... .

I think the trick here is to make sure she can feel relaxed right from the start. There are probably many ways to do that, and you may think of the perfect one for your daughter yourself. Or, you might have a conversation with her about it at a better time and ask her, what would help.

If I were in your shoes tonight, I would respond: "I am sorry, I didn't mean to stress you out. We are really looking forward to having dinner with you tonight. We want to give us and you enough time so nobody feels rushed - what would be a good time for you?"

If I had a do-over, I would say something like: "Hi honey, looking forward to seeing you tonight, when's a good time for you?" Or "Hi sweetie, does 7:30 work for you for dinner tonight, or is later better - let us know what's best, love m."

Does that help, or is it a bit more difficult with your daughter? Let us know, we can keep brainstorming... .

[mimis]

I just love this board.  Thank you.  These suggestions are so helpful.  1kitkat and passim-optimist , you both are so right.  Thank you for pointing out to me what she may be thinking.  I never thought of it that way.  Will use those your suggestions for next time.  We did go for dinner. Just finished.  Dinner was tense. Asked her about her day, and truth be told, sometimes the way husband does it is like an inquisition.  it went like this,  husband(H) - So how was your day?  D- busy, H busy doing what? D- projects. H- what kind of projects, D- geez just projects.  DH gets annoyed at her response, he says, I was just asking about your day, are you sure you want to have dinner with us.  D- I can leave if you don't want me here.  I ended up kicking my H leg under table.  I tried to salvage and said, Honey, you must have had a busy day,  I am glad you were able to join us for dinner.  After that, I tried to talk about anything and nothing.  otherwise, the conversation stops and its just awkward silence.  Tell truth, glad we survived dinner.  Thank you all for listening to me.

mimis

[1KitKat]

It's all good, honey.

Just try to put yourself in her shoes.  She feels invalidated every time somebody asks her a question.  Her take on 'inquisitions' may be aberrated due to the possible fact that she has no sense of self-worth.

I will tell you a story about a woman I know who is a Type Four in the Enneagram.  These are the 'individualists'.  Your daughter could also be a Six; you should read up on Enneagram Types (here's an explanation on Fours, and you can go from there... . https://www.enneagraminstitute.com/TypeFourOverview.asp).  Anyway, here goes:

This woman had been invited to dinner with a group of female friends.  She told me that she arrived late, and saw the other four friends sitting at a table inside the restaurant engaged in an animated conversation.  This woman explained to me her thought pattern (and this is so typical!)... .   I think she said that her basic thoughts were

"why are they talking without me?"

"I'm not important enough to them for them to wait to have a girl's talk"

"they're talking about ME!"

"they don't care whether I show up or not!"

Once she got to the table and sat down, she realized how ridiculous she was being, and the evening ended on a positive note after she explained to her girlfriends what had run through her mind.  They all had a good laugh!

I am glad that she shared with me, and I just wanted to point out what sometimes runs through people's heads. 

[mimis]

Hi 1Kitkat,

again, solid advice. never heard about enagram personalities before.  But the example you wrote would describe my d to the T.  This would have been typical of what my D would have thought.  Thank you

[1KitKat]

I'm glad that I could offer you some advice.  If you're interested for future use, here is what I use when I am doing my Enneagram work.  It's like Myers Briggs, but better, more in-depth etc... .

www.enneagraminstitute.com/

Let me know if you need any help if you do pursue it. 

Blessings... .

[leza]

My dd22 who is self supported and independent,  likes me to take her to lunch, afterwards she always wants to go shopping.  She always finds something that she 'needs', which is usually not expensive clothes or shoes - Never really a 'need'. I rarely buy things for her because of my financial situation. But, I feel so guilty: Does she think I don't love her when I don't buy her little things?  Should I try to meet her for lunch more to make her feel more loved?  I'm reading and trying to understand this BPD thing, but it's all just ripping out my heart.  How do I find the balance? I do help her with school expenses when I can, but should I help her more so she knows I love her.  I would like to see her more but, I just can't take the emotional stress. I feel very manipulated yet, I desperately want her to know I love her.  Help!

[mimis]

Hi Leeza,

don't feel guilty about not being able to buy your daughter little things.  Just being by her side and going through this emotional roller coaster shows how much you love your D.  She will never admit it but believe me, your love shows as you haven't left yet. I have recently made decision that I have to stop trying to feed my guilt and making myself feel better by giving her things. It doesn't do any good.  It makes me feel better just for a bit as she is happy but the feelings do not last. So please don't beat yourself up over this. 

Your D is very similar to mine with one exception in that it is the more expensive things that she trys to get me to buy for her.  She is very good at making me feel guilty.  She tells me that she can't control things in her life like her work, her friendships and her feelings  and it causes her great stress and anxiety. The only thing that she can control is her money so she doesn't spend it.  She saves it and then gets either me or my DH to buy the larger things.  At first I allowed it as my guilt was killing me.   I thought my actions would make her feel better and show her how much I loved her.  Let me tell you, that it makes no difference when she has a melt down.  She doesn't ever think of all the loving things you have tried to do when she is on the slippery slope downward.  The same old accusations come from her mouth in that I am never supportive enough, never there for her.  Last night she asked me why I never enrolled her in more activities when she was younger.  That comment hurt. She was enrolled in lots of things but never followed through with them and eventually gave up. I wasn't about to point that out as it would have started another big fight.

Financially, our D has put a big dent in our pocket book. We help her financially with her treatments, she sees a physiotherapist for her pain, (she suffers from chronic pain) , accupunturist, counselling, some of her bills as she has gone to part time work. We know this has to stop but again, I am afraid of the confrontation of telling her. Yes many would say we enable her to her detriment.  I mentioned to her recently that I would like to retire next year and really need to start being more careful with my budget.  Instead of saying, mom you deserve to retire after working so hard, she said "how am I going to continue with all my treatments"  That's when I knew a BPD person, lacks empathy and only thinks about them.  Her comment hurt like hell and again I didn't say anything.  That is one thing I am really good at is saying nothing. I do keep trying tho.  This board really helps me a lot to find my voice and I hope you will find some help too. 

[pessim-optimist]

Should I try to meet her for lunch more to make her feel more loved?  I'm reading and trying to understand this BPD thing, but it's all just ripping out my heart.  How do I find the balance?

... . I would like to see her more but, I just can't take the emotional stress. I feel very manipulated yet, I desperately want her to know I love her.  Help!

Hello leza,  

As mimis pointed out, buying more or doing more for our child w/BPD may make them feel better in the immediate moment. In the long run though, it's a slippery slope to dependency upon us and feeling shame and helplessness, and resenting us for having too much say/control over their lives (as they transferred their responsibility and control to us by becoming more dependent on us).

They do not see this bigger picture, and so are not able to make wise decisions in the moment. They need us to be able to do that and only do for them what they cannot do for themselves, and also what we would happily do anyway (not out of guilt)... .

You say you would like to see her more, but it's too stressful. That's ok. Give only what you can freely and happily, not out of guilt (they can sense that, and it makes them feel hated and unwanted in spite of our efforts).

This forum has some wonderful resources that can help you manage the relationship better to feel safer and less stressed. And then, it gets easier to be there for them emotionally.

The best gift you can give your daughter is to be a consistent positive force in her life, with gentle but firm boundaries and supporting her emotionally while helping her become more independent and confident... .

Welcome to this board where we share our struggles and griefs, celebrate our little victories, and learn from each others' experiences.

mimis,

Instead of saying, mom you deserve to retire after working so hard, she said "how am I going to continue with all my treatments"  That's when I knew a BPD person, lacks empathy and only thinks about them.  Her comment hurt like hell and again I didn't say anything.

That must have really hurt... . It is painful to see time and time again, that the relationship with our BPD children is mostly one-sided.

My husband had an interesting insight the other day: he said "Is life for a person w/BPD kind of like when we feel extremely sick and can't focus on anyone else or anything else than our pain, and can't muster being polite etc.?" I said "I think so, except their pain is not physical, but emotional."

They do seem to be overwhelmed with themselves most of the time, and in a perpetual survival mode... .

In that light, does it make it a little less painful, seeing that she may have been immediately shaken by that information and frightened, thinking "Oh no! How am I going to survive?" that 'Oh, I hope you can finally relax mom, you deserve it' did not have a chance to even enter the picture?

We are here for you for that... .   You do deserve to retire, and to relax and enjoy the peace and calm.

[mimis]

Dear Pessim-optimist

This is why I keep coming back to this board, The advice and insight you have provided has given me great comfort.  You are so right when it comes that it must be that survival instinct in my DD kicked in and it made her scared. This does make it a less painful.  Thank you

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[pessim-optimist]